heyday Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Greetings everyone, will try to keep it short but your feedback greatly appreciated as I'm totally lost.. Guy is an ex whom I started dating again after 3 years break up. We live in different cities and we completely lost touch until I got back in town and we met up again. Spent a lovely week together than made both of us wonder why we had broken up. Before I proceed need to say the guy has been suffering from severe depression for years and is on antidepressants since 8 years (yup we were together back then). He used to suffer from severe anger outbursts, reason why I left him back then. He used to scare me.He was never physically violent but verbally abusive. Upon seeing him again my first impression was he was not doing that well but somehow we had a nice time as friends and I did not get that "scared" feeling in a whole week spent together. Only once I feared things could escalate. So we stayed in touch and met up again in the town I was posted at for work. He lived at my aparmtent for a month. Something real weird started happening...not only an eerie feeling I would sense from him (i.e. having to walk on eggshells daily and having to watch what I said/did) but...he seemed to have a mood swing (i.e. irritable/angry) every evening for days in a row. I am serious, around the same time daily he'd get irritable and would pick on me for the silliest things. In the daytime he was his normal self = adorable, sweet, understanding...the suddenly he'd be critical towards me, raise his voice etc. I pointed it out to him this evening/mood swing thing and although it made him angry he somehow controlled it and things seemed fine on the surface from then on. Except communication went down the drain. We suddenly both were walking on eggshells afraid to say anything for fear of causing an argument and acting as if nothing happened. Until I went through a rough phase (I received very bad news) and told him I was not well and could not deal with all that tension and asked if he could just give me some understanding. I retreated more and more and he got more and more tense. Once I was so distressed and indeed he was trying to help me but I couldn't help screaming "please can you keep quiet, I can't take it right now"...I was really upset for personal reasons that he was aware of. Within an hour he had packed his bags and was out of the flat saying I was no longer fun to be with and he'd had enough. I never heard from him since. I'm sure I'm at fault for a number of reasons but I can't help wondering if you cared about someone if you'd walk out right in the middle of them having a crisis out of some real bad news they had received. I can't make sense of what happened, I mailed him a number of times telling him I hoped he was ok and saying I missed him and never got a reply. I do know he checks his mail as common friends confirmed. Did I waste my time? Did he waste his time? What happened? Your advice appreciated
Balzac Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 You mention medication but not therapy. The best disease management outcomes are from tandem treatment. I encourage you to recognize that you as an individual are entitled to have needs that are met, have a bad or stressful day. Walking on eggshells is not normal.
Author heyday Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 I agree it's not normal... then should I justify this guy by thinking he's not well or should O seek closure by acknowledging he did not care about me? That's a dilemma
Axee Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 He feels he isnt able to be himself and you arent comfortable with his original self. This relationship broke for a reason and that reason persists. Do you want to again continue along that path. Irrespective of him not being well, why do you want to get in the middle of it? Cant you find someone who is well. as for your dilemma, like you yourself said, if you care for someone deeply and are committed to the relationship then you try your best to ignore the hurtful lines or statements, but doesnt seem so in your case. Take closure that this relationship is not meant to be , both of you are not right for each other.
Author heyday Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 He feels he isnt able to be himself and you arent comfortable with his original self. This relationship broke for a reason and that reason persists. Do you want to again continue along that path. Irrespective of him not being well, why do you want to get in the middle of it? Cant you find someone who is well. as for your dilemma, like you yourself said, if you care for someone deeply and are committed to the relationship then you try your best to ignore the hurtful lines or statements, but doesnt seem so in your case. Take closure that this relationship is not meant to be , both of you are not right for each other. Hi Axee, in the middle of what? He wanted to be with me or so he lead me to believe.. I can find someone who is well but what is to stop loving someone who is unwell? I care for him deeply, that's why I put up with so much (eggshells included) but then according to you why did he leave right when I was not well? According to you (and other readers) is that b/c he didn't care or which point am I missing?
Axee Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Only knowing as much as what you have said here, I would say yes, he might care but not so much as you really want him to . Did you try apologising to him ? How did he react? If his walking out was an impulsive decision , he will react postively, thats a clue ...or he will get back even if you havent apologised asking "How are you now?" You can definetly love someone who is not well... But please love yourself first.. I went on making excuses for my exes shoddy behaviour, but ultimately I had to pay for that...
Author heyday Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Only knowing as much as what you have said here, I would say yes, he might care but not so much as you really want him to . Did you try apologising to him ? How did he react? If his walking out was an impulsive decision , he will react postively, thats a clue ...or he will get back even if you havent apologised asking "How are you now?" You can definetly love someone who is not well... But please love yourself first.. I went on making excuses for my exes shoddy behaviour, but ultimately I had to pay for that... I did apologize (although putting things in context i.e.since I was not well). he never got back to me in over a month. No sign of life. That's what made me wonder how much he cared/if he did at all. Once I was not well and for years when he was unwell and I had so much happening in my life I tried my best to support him regardless. I know what you mean Axee :-) I do want to love myself but part of this comes from proper closure. How can obtain proper closure with a "desaparecido"? I feel so belittled that I wasn't even entitled to a last few words...no calls or mails worth answering.. that's why am in shock. I don't even know who I dealt with for so many years. How would you get closure given the above? I keep thinking I'm at fault even though I know if I am it is only 50%...but enough to torment me and prevent me from sleeping and moving on
Axee Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I did apologize (although putting things in context i.e.since I was not well). he never got back to me in over a month. No sign of life. That's what made me wonder how much he cared/if he did at all. Once I was not well and for years when he was unwell and I had so much happening in my life I tried my best to support him regardless. You have got the answer yourself here. He is a selfish guy who has taken you for granted. Sounds like a bitter truth but time to move on... Closure is something thats important yes, why dont you close it from your side , send him an email with everything you have thought and ask him not to contact you ever again and then you too dont ever ever respond in any away fb, sms, call nothing.. Can you do that? Can you decide for yourself that he is not right for you... In case he does come back, are you ready to walk on egg shells always? are you ready to "pretend" to be ok when you arent? Dont blame yourself with coulda woulda shouldas , this would have happened in anyway... Even then if you arent convinced, go and talk to him again, try contacting him again , see if he replies, but have a timeline where you decide to call it a day... Stay strong, give your love to someone who deserves.I suggest you to read this "http://www.baggagereclaim.com/" specifically the post "getting closure on closure we cannot get all answers.." . This website helped me a lot.Read it !
Axee Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Are you ok now? Recovered a bit? How are you feeling?
Author heyday Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 Hi Axee, thanks for your posts, I had a look at baggage reclaim site and it was an interesting read. Took me sometime to start feeling better eventually I made sense of things I thought...until he started getting in touch again and repeatedly. This is really confusing for me!! I want to respond and communicate even just for closure purposes yet I'm "blocked" and find myself unable to communicate even the clearest things I have in my heart. So weird
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