my story (long-ish but may be interesting)

[okterrific]

Hi all, I've got a situation (a story, really) and I'm curious as to what unbiased parties will make of this. It's long, and maybe I'm biased, but I think it's interesting to say the least.

 

I met this girl years ago, through mutual friends and from the moment I met her I was attracted to her, but she was in a relationship at the time, so I never pursued anything and went on with my life. We would see each other from time to time and one day I found out she was single again. Our mutual friends were getting married soon, and we were both in the wedding party so I figured that would be the time to really get to know her and let her know I was interested. Turns out, by the time the wedding came, she was dating someone new so I figured I missed my chance. After a few months, they broke up and we became friends on Facebook, and started interacting with each other almost daily. She ended up getting in touch with an old ex, and decided to move out to California with him, where he would support her until she found work. Turns out, he was sleeping with his nanny while she was making plans to move out there so needless to say, she didn't move out and was pretty devastated. She couldn't get her old job back either, and had some health issues, so that made things even worse.

 

We started hanging out together as friends, and became pretty close. She did say at one point that she "would have to see a therapist" before she could start dating again, so I didn't pursue anything more than friends out of respect for her. She did show signs of wanting to be more than friends sometimes but I couldn't be sure. This went on for a couple of years then kind of lost touch for about a year when she moved to a new place that wasn't too close to where I lived or worked.

 

We stayed in touch here and there, and earlier this year, she showed up at my job with a (used) Mercedes convertible she just got and I was really happy for her. She had questions about changing out the radio in it (that's what I do for a living). I even sent her a text later on that said I was so happy for her that she was back on her feet (new job, nice car, health under control, etc). More on this later.

 

We went out to a concert together one day in April and she came back to my neighborhood for a couple drinks and we had a great time. When she got home she texted me "thanks for the great night" like it was a date or something. That got me thinking maybe she was finally interested in me as more than just friends. I invited her over the following weekend, she came over at around 11pm, and we ended up hooking up and she spent the night, just cuddling together. I was so happy, and even happier that I wasn't stuck in the "friend zone" lol.

 

All was not well though. The following day she texted me about her "being a dick" for hooking up and said there's some things I should know. We met for coffee the next day and said she was still kind of in a relationship with someone else, but it wasn't going well and she was trying to figure out how to get out. She said she cared for me and I wasn't just a "distraction" as she put it. There were tears in her eyes. The next weekend she was trying to get away, like out of the country, just so she could have some time away and clear her mind of the situation at hand, but couldn't find a cheap flight. She ended up coming over to my place and she told me basically the whole situation in more detail than she had earlier in the week, including that she was dating him for the past year on and off and the Mercedes had to "go away" because it was sort of a "shared vehicle". She spent the night that Friday and again that Saturday.

 

In any case, we continued dating for the next couple of months, and she seemed like she was getting over the ex, especially since an ex mistress of his (yes, I said mistress. He is married, but separated for a few years now) came out of the woodwork and moved in with him. He was still trying to get her to get back with him in some sort of polyamorous love relationship with him and this woman, but she wanted no part of it. The car was in her name still, so until the title could get transferred she still had ties to him. Things were going well though, we would see each other a couple times a week, text every day, I sent her flowers a few times, took her to a concert for her birthday, the whole nine. I really began to fall in love with this girl. It was what I've wanted for the past 3 years or so. (minus the crazy ex)

 

About 4 months had now gone by and I was feeling like she was getting more and more distant and uninterested. She had been dealing with depression and was generally not in the mood to do much of anything to begin with, but I thought she would at least want to spend time with me. I brought it up, saying that I would have figured we would be a bit more serious at this point and I wanted to be there for her through this tough time for her and she said she just had no motivation to do anything and it wasn't because of me or losing interest. She said I should consider seeing other people because she couldn't give 100% to a relationship until she got herself straight first and that it wasn't fair to me. I told her I didn't want that, I wanted her, and would be willing to stick around until she started feeling better. We agreed to continue as we were and see what happens. She also mentioned that the ex was still "keeping her in the loop" and that the mistress had moved out. She said he was trying to get her to come out to California with him, but she said she would probably do the right thing and not go out there. (I bet some of you would say I should have run for the hills at this point).

 

She started seeing a therapist shortly before the above conversation and she seemed to be feeling better. She was getting up on time for work (although she is self-employed), going out with friends etc, but at the same time I felt she was putting more distance between me and her. We went to dinner in my neighborhood one tuesday night, and when I invited her up to my place afterward she said she would but couldn't because she had to get home to take her meds. I was a little bummed, but was Ok with that. Thing is, the following morning I see pictures she posted from the window of the ex's apartment taken at 1AM (he has a nice view and lives in a building basically next door to the apartment she rents.) I confronted her about this, and she said she got a midnight call and had to take care of some stuff, and that there was a lot going on, but it's not what I was thinking. I accepted that as I did know it was a complex situation and there were still unresolved issues.

 

So the following weekend, I was trying to get her to hang out, but her sister was in town so she wasn't available and she was busy monday and tuesday. Wednesday she tells me she booked a last minute trip to california with her girlfriend for that monday and would be busy late at work the rest of the week and the weekend too. I was bummed I wouldn't see her for a while, but didn't really care about her being in CA, as I assumed if she was seeing the ex, she would tell me, because she (claimed) she was always honest about any contact with him. (To be clear, this has no relation to the person she was supposed to move out there for a few years ago)

 

It was a rough week. We texted the day she left and the next day. She even sent me a picture of the convertible she rented in her girlfriend's honor, who never made it on the plane due to panic attack. The following day I see pics posted from inside Home Depot two nights in a row and talk of "late night construction" (I know the ex is a contractor) so now I'm thinking she's out there all week with him. I was really upset about this and texted her the following morning about it and she responded back angry and said that we talked about this and that it could have waited until she got back. She never confirmed or denied that she was with the ex. She felt I wasn't listening to what she said in the last conversation about this (where our relationship was headed). I assume she thought I had no right to be upset and that's why she was angry.

 

When she got back, I sent an email trying to explain where my mind was and how I got to that point, but she didn't want to hear it and said we should stop talking for a while. I didn't know how much time she meant, so I sent a msg a week later politely asking if she was ready to talk and she said no. I asked again after another week and said I just wanted to talk about what happened, clear the air, and move on. She said there was no need for that and that she was just offended by some of what I said in the email 9still don't know exactly what, might have been a reference to still wanting to be "intimate" with her) and wanted some time and that was it. I sent yet another message a week later (I've been an emotional wreck this whole time and it was my only outlet) and she angrily responded that we tried something, pushed the boundaries of our friendship, and it didn't work out and that was that. That's really all I needed to hear, and I felt better. Now I was certain she didn't want any sort of relationship and was kinda relieved I no longer had to worry if we were ever getting "back together" or not. (even if were were never really "together" to begin with, according to her)

 

After a couple days, I started thinking back to all the **** that happened in the past. Like how she lied about the car, she blamed not wanting to hang out on depression, but how coincidental it was that as soon as the mistress moves out, she's feeling better, going over the ex's apartment and going out to CA to see him. So I sent an email calling her out on all this. Bad idea, lol. She replied back fuming saying all that I said was 100% false and that I am out of my mind. I do know she told me she bought the car herself with no mention of sharing it, (I think she said she bought it from [insert ex's name here]) so I'm not 100% wrong.

 

After this happened, I had a long talk with a friend about this whole situation (this was the first time I had done so. Prior, I figured it was between just me and her). I came to the conclusion that I wasn't honest with myself about being able to be in a "casual" relationship, especially with her. She did clearly say she didn't want a serious relationship, but I took it as she couldn't have a serious relationship right NOW, but when she felt better she would want a relationship with me, so I held on to that last bit of hope. I probably shouldn't have. I sent a card with a hand written apology in the mail.

 

In any case, I'm pretty much over everything now, but it bugs me that she still won't talk to me. This all started back in September. I would figure that would be enough time. Granted, I prolonged it a while by not conceding to her wishes to not contact her, but I couldn't help it. I contacted her 2 weeks ago, just saying happy thanksgiving and that I was sorry. No reply. I sent a message earlier this week saying hi and hope all is well, and that I wanted to let her know I was over it and am done with being crazy, in case that was the reason why she still didn't want to talk. Still no response, but I think I'm done with this. Problem is, our mutual friends just bought a house and we will probably invited to the same get-togethers sometime in the not so distant future. I wonder how that's going to go. I don't want to act like nothing happened the next time I see her, but if we don't acknowledge what happened, I'm sure it will be a bit awkward, and it's not like we can have this discussion in a room full of people. These friends also both know what's going on between us. This girl is good friends with my best friend's wife.

 

So, those of you who read through the whole thing, who's the crazy one? Am I that bad of a person that I deserve to be ignored like this? Should I just have stopped contacting her when she asked? I really wanted to, but I was hurting really bad, probably felt the worst I ever have, and all I wanted was to talk about what happened and move on. I feel that if she's that upset over this that she won't even talk about it, she must be nuts. Or, she just doesn't care about me as much as I thought she did and that kinda hurts. I probably shouldn't have let myself get so emotionally attached, but you know how that goes. We were only "dating" for about 4 months, but have been good friends for a few years before that so it felt longer. I'm really curious as to what other people think about this. If I'm in the wrong, I want to know so I don't make the same mistakes again. I do want to be friends with her again, like before. We have mutual friends so there's no complete walking away, and I'm not the type to hold grudges anyway. Obviously, a romantic relationship didn't work, but I have no problem with being friends.

 

To clarify, I'm 38 and she's 37. We're not kids, although I don't have much experience in the relationship department so as far as relationships go, I might as well be.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Mcnulty]

Sounds like you were a rebound/distraction for her.

 

You've pushed and pushed with the emails and messages, when she requested you to not do so. The harder you push, the faster they will pull away.

 

Think you've put the stopper on ever being friends with her, through your pursuit of her.

 

Move on and let this be a lesson, when a woman says no, accept it and leave it...oh and ask about a person's rel. history, if the ex is in the background or it's not been long since their last break up, run for it!

[okterrific]

Thanks for the reply. What you've said pretty much coincides with other advice I've gotten, as far as being used and me making a wrong move by trying to contact her against her wishes. I just felt disrespected and hurt that she didn't want to talk about the situation face to face. That's what made me crazy. I do know she's still friendly with most of her exes, some of whom have done way worse to her than I, so I guess it will just take a bit of time before things to return to our "pre-dating" scenario.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Thanks. I always like a good story.

[you_had_me]

It seems to me like you have been grazed by a bullet - I would say dodged but sadly she still managed to upset you. And it's sad because it sounds like she really needs some help - there are issues here with her being a fair bit narcissistic. And you don't need that. Especially if you've not really had a lot of "experience." It will annoy the hell out of you because no one likes to be treated badly and sadly it has made you wonder if it was you. No one should make you feel that way. Be thankful nothing more serious happened - this one would have caused you hell.