Divorced... twice..Cant forget the pain inflicted but still heartbroken?

[Loveequalspain]

(my ex has bipolar disorder, which he was diagnosed 3 times, and just recently started taking meds. This includes pining me down and screaming, threatening to hit, sucessfully hitting, throwing things at me, jumping up and leaving at every whim) <this goes on throughout 6 years time

 

So the story begins meeting at a mutual friends party, married the next year, then comes the 1st divorce. This one he declared divorce after a normal marrital dispute and out of the blue told me does not love me any more and wants a divorce. I was devestated and heart broken. I had a binge of the vengance of the men, dating someone until they declared love and ending it. I went in a broken hearted tunnel of darkness, drinking liquor every night.

 

About a year after the divorce, I finally let go of my binge and was in the engagement talk process with a man I fell in love with. When my ex heard about this, then he wanted me back. So stupid me, I took him back, which I felt aweful about the ... kinda fiancee, as he did absolutly nothing wrong. Anywho, married him again, had a child and we both mutually agreed in late pregnancy we could not make the marriage work and once the baby came, we would end all this... well the baby came and our little business went under and he would not go find a job...

 

so I did, two jobs actually, working an average of 70 hours a week. My son was 3 months old when I started, I never got to see him anymore as when I came home my son was asleep and when I left in the early morning, he was still sleeping. He statyed home and played mom. My ex never tried to find a job, even knowing how sad I had become never seeing my son, no remorse or guilt at all. All he wanted to do with me is be angry I did not ever have the energy and come home and make love to him.

 

We had to move out of the house we had just rented because black mold started sprawling everywhere. We moved into my parents house at the time being as we lost the deposit for jumping out of the house. I got a call while working job number 2 for the day, saying she came home to my ex screaming at our son to "shut the **** up" while he was simply crying. I came home and took him out side and he flat out denied it. I was simply making a statement he needed to get back on his meds to control his anger. He stated if I believed my monther he would leave me.. so I opened the door and let him out.

 

Remember He was the stay at home dad, I took 2 days off work to find someone to watch my son. I paid $80-$90 a day for the baby sitter.. lets just say I didnt exactly earn much after paying the babysitter. He chipped in about $50 a month... $90x5=460x4=2400 month... muuuch later on, he started paying $200 a month... At this time, I never knew day care was much cheaper..

He came back 3 months later and... without a job.. told me he found a much more expensive house for us to rent...

 

so I had told him he had made his choice and is not coming back. Once he had established a job and residency, he could watch So he found a job and on the dayt he was hired I went out with him and found an apartment he could rent and I paid first,last,security for him and signed it under my name as he had no credit.

 

Once I got help from the state with child care, I dropped one job, finally able to be a mother.

 

I stayed firm with my decision and we were divorced 2 months ago. He cost me alot of money for it too by contesting to a custody agreement in which we had previously agreed to. He didnt spend a dime.

 

He still thinks there is no reason why I should not take him back. When he asked me to come over and help him with a insurace paper he didnt understand, I came over and he tried to force himself on me with my child watching and I had to grab him by the throat to get him off me...

 

He is going to make this complicated, we still have to see each other to exchange our child back and fourth.

 

My question is when I know thoughout this, there is no way my heart could ever let him back in, sometimes I feel hatred when I simply think of him... But yet I am trying to move on but it feels as if I cant as some part of me still cant let go somehow...

 

How do I get over heart break? He is definatly bad for me and I do not want him back... but I still cry at night when I think no one is watching.

 

I feel like as if a catagory 5 hurricane for the past 6 years, and the storm is finally over and when the sky clears, the remains of the land are cluttered with rubble