Viper1 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 A friend of mine is a psychiatrist--not a social worker, psychologist, or on-line dating guru. His practice is limited to "couples counseling" and he has been practicing since 1972. While he doesn't know the exact number, averaging one month off a year and a 4 1/2 day work week that allows him to work with 27 couples a week (most are 25 years old or older because relationships when the couples are in their early 20's or are teenagers are too "fragile"), and factoring in he has been utilizing an intervention that involves two sessions a week for six weeks before working with the next couples waiting to see him (he is booked three months in advance), he estimates he has counseled nearly 10,000 couples. He guesses that single couples who have broken up and are trying to get back together only comprise about 10%--one out of very 10 of the couples that come to him which would suggest he has worked with about 1,000 couples trying to "rehab" their fractured relationship. I asked him how many have, as far as knows gotten back together. Since he has a requirement of couples following up with him six months after counseling ends to see how things turned out, he has a crude yardstick on estimating how successful his counselling was. (As a practioner with married couples, his stats reflect the national average: just about half of his clients say things are better; 20%-30% have filed for divorced or are divorced, and about the same number say not much has changed) With unmarried couples (engaged, living together, etc.) who have split up the numbers are far worse. His best guess is that one out of 50 of these people get back together again. He also said that most couples go through the same process. They're may be an initial "honeymoon" period where the relationship is pretty much back to where it began but the wheels come off eventually because the issue that brings most people to counseling, trust has been lost, resurfaces. Worse still, are the chances of success for two people getting back together if one has cheated. He said he has never known a married couple to stay together if one person has engaged in infidelity. As far as he could remember, he couldn't recall two people getting back together and staying together if the cause of the break-up was cheating. Put 49 pennies in a paper bag and one dime if you're not married but have broken up with someone. Reach into the bag and try to pull out the dime--or remove two cards from a deck of cards, shuffle the deck of cards, fan them, close your eyes, and try to pick out the Ace of Spades. Then, too, you can just come to this board pick out 50 random posts of people going through the hell of breaking up and try to figure out which one will pull the trick off. Remember, though, if the person's relationship went belly-up because cheating was involved, that person stands about as much chance as getting back his or her ex as winning power ball. Why am I so pessimistic about this? There's a common theme on this board: abject misery. There are posts by people talking about suicide, people who can't sleep, eat, think straight, and in a hundred different ways making themselves miserable because they have bought into a line of B.S. hawked by on-line relationship gurus selling ebooks or other products claiming they have solved a problem that has been tormenting people for thousands of years. The worst of it is "No Contact". There's no magic there. Somebody said it's the way to go once you realize it's time to move on. That may be the wisest thing I've read on a board like this. Would you enter a pool for a trip to Disney World when your raffle ticket cost $1,000 and 49 other people were in the pool? Would you bet $1,000 that the Mayan Apocolypse will come to pass in less than two weeks. What is a day of your life worth? How much would you spend, if you could to free yourself of the agony you feel now wishing, hoping, and praying that you'll get back together with someone with absolutely no guarantee that six months or a year ago you'll be right back where you are now? I had a choice just like those of you trying to fix something that was broken beyond by repair. I could stay in Dante's Second Level of Hell or try to climb out of it. I'm not smarter, stronger, or braver than any of you. Every year at this time they broadcast Dicken's "A Christmas Carol". The ghost of Jacob Marley is allowed to return to earth to visit his former business partner Scrooge and warn him to change his ways or he will be destined to endless remorse. I'm your Jacob Marley. I'm telling you "Save yourself." I'm pointing to the door. There's a way out and if you take it, I promise you in time you will get on your knees and thank God that you walked away from this person who has hijacked your heart and never looked back. There is no feeling like it in the world. You'll discover the world is full of amazing things and wonderful people and one is waiting for you. 6
Samms22 Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Viper: You, without a doubt, are one of the most intelligent and persuasive people I've ever encountered. Thank you for your words of wisdom, from Ovid to this. I've actually gotten completely over my EX in 4 short weeks and I owe it a lot to your magic. Thank you, man. Cheers.
Sav Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I do not for one second think you are being pessimistic. You're being realistic and thank you for sharing this here. Lots of people need this. We need more people like you here
oracle Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Bravo. Concise and well written. I am completely 100% in agreement. I also agree with your feelings on the No Contact. There is no right or wrong way of going about things. Life is all grey areas, things rarely fit nicely into little boxes. I have taken the long and hard road less travelled.. but this let me analyze it to death and come to some conclusions, and I write about them in my thread pinned to the top of this section. When you are at the point where you are AT THIS WEBSITE.. Then you need to stop asking the WHY questions.. see it for how it is now.. and accept that is it and it won't change.. and you don't want it to change.. cause history, typically repeats itself.
CptSaveAho Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 (edited) Good post...look at the chances of winning a jackpot lottery. 1 in 170+ million. It doesn't stop people from playing. So those 1 in 50 odds aren't bad Number crunching relationships... Lets be the bigger person here with therapy... if I have to go to counseling because of my significant others' problems/issues... its probably not a good idea to be in a relationship with that person in the first place. When people actually fix their own issues, they see the world from a whole new perspective and know within 10 seconds if someone they are interested in dating is going to go bad. Also if you actually watch the progression of people's posts, most of them are going through the process of moving forward people focus on the words and not the actions of the self talk itself . People do grow up and get back together. I've met couples that have but after years apart. Nc is a tool to get there and the principal behind what those sites teach aren't wrong. The time frame is typically off by a long time Edited December 9, 2012 by CptSaveAho
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