candyland123 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 We were married for 20 years when I decided to divorce him. The anger against him was so strong for so many years, until I went numb and felt nothing. We divorced, perhaps it all happened to fast. Once the train was moving I could not stop it. We have been seperated for a few months now. He came over my house the other day, he was angry because I was seeing someone during our seperation. We talked about it. We ended up having oral sex, he didn't want to have sex sex because he is in a "relationship" and it wouldn't be right. Of course this was revealed after the act was over. He has been sending messages since how he liked it and still loves me. I feel like the only reason he did this was to prevent me from seeing the other guy. Like he is "marking his territory". Or maybe he believes if he pleasures me I won't contact the "other guy". I believe he is conflicted because we did have sexual contact, yet he really liked it. Surprisingly so did I. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed sex with him. Am I crazy? Anyone else have sex with the ex? How'd it work out? Is sex with the ex like an affair? I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I could have him if I wanted, but do I?
Yasuandio Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 We were married for 20 years when I decided to divorce him. The anger against him was so strong for so many years, until I went numb and felt nothing. We divorced, perhaps it all happened to fast. Once the train was moving I could not stop it. We have been seperated for a few months now. He came over my house the other day, he was angry because I was seeing someone during our seperation. We talked about it. We ended up having oral sex, he didn't want to have sex sex because he is in a "relationship" and it wouldn't be right. Of course this was revealed after the act was over. He has been sending messages since how he liked it and still loves me. I feel like the only reason he did this was to prevent me from seeing the other guy. Like he is "marking his territory". Or maybe he believes if he pleasures me I won't contact the "other guy". I believe he is conflicted because we did have sexual contact, yet he really liked it. Surprisingly so did I. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed sex with him. Am I crazy? Anyone else have sex with the ex? How'd it work out? Is sex with the ex like an affair? I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I could have him if I wanted, but do I? If you are doing it to just get off - with no expectation (which I do not think is the ase), it would probably be fine. However, if you have hope of getting him out of your system, accepting you will no longer be man and wife, and also, accepting, perhaps he may "move on," and remarry at some time in the future (or as you have discovered, become involved with someone else), then the obvious conclusion is that you are setting yourself up for a fall - and to get hurt, not a good idea. As for your own boyfriends and or significant others, keep it to yourself. Even though it is perfectly moral after the divorce - you never want to discuss the details of any outside sexual matters with him. Especially - if reconcilation is on oyur mind - or might ever come up in the future. Also -- I would emphasis to you, although he used the "Bill Clinton Card" to justify the sexual activity he had wth you, he has possibly cheated on his current significant other - and you persist in these activites = you will then become an active participant in this deception. It goes without saying that he lied through ommision to have the sex with you in the first place. Now, I would recommend you examine his character - and the character you wish to develop in yourself, now that you are aware of the facts. That's all. Hope this helps, Yas
Author candyland123 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 Yas, I did want sex, it had been awhile and I had been drinking. I really did not expect him to do what he did. I was surprised at his behavior and my own. Can I blame drinking, a little, but I was aware what we were doing. The cheating on the girlfriend, his problem. Not going there.I had already told him he shouldn't talk with me she wouldn't like it. She's a rebound, she knows he wasn't divorced when they met. Going away for a few weeks, which is good. I know we are not ready to get back together. I was more wondering WHY he had sex with me? I know he didn't want to cheat, he said he only ment to please me and leave (a little insulted by this, but I did not go there). What was his purpose? Men? I feel like he wanted to stake his claim. I alwasy felt like a possession to him. He only recently found out I had been with someone else. I know it bothered him a lot.
Yasuandio Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Yas, I did want sex, it had been awhile and I had been drinking. I really did not expect him to do what he did. I was surprised at his behavior and my own. Can I blame drinking, a little, but I was aware what we were doing. Of course you can blame drinking. You can also blame making the choice to drink, and consequently losing you inhibitions by your own hand. The cheating on the girlfriend, his problem. Not going there.I had already told him he shouldn't talk with me she wouldn't like it. He knows that - he's a big boy; and so do you obviously. But you both chose to "talk" to each other. Takes to two to "talk," right? She's a rebound, she knows he wasn't divorced when they met. Could this be a pattern he is establishing? Going away for a few weeks, which is good. I know we are not ready to get back together. Good idea. I was more wondering WHY he had sex with me? I know he didn't want to cheat, he said he only ment to please me and leave (a little insulted by this, but I did not go there). What was his purpose? He told you his purpose (underlined). Sometimes we want to believe something other than what we are hearing. But typically, a man will give you a forthright reason at the time (or before) this issue comes up. I think it's possible we sometimes don't want to hear it, and tune it out. Or in some cases, a woman man believe she has the power to change his way of thinking after the sexual encounter. But, what she fails to realize is that men do not bond through sex as do women. No matter how painful, you may have to accept that he, and in all liklihood, mean exactly what he said, ....."He wanted to please you and leave." Men? I feel like he wanted to stake his claim. I alwasy felt like a possession to him. He only recently found out I had been with someone else. I know it bothered him a lot. The "tried and true" method to re-atract the attention of a former lover is to get another in his (or her) place. Works everytime. Hope this helps, Yas
SuperGeek Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 (edited) For me it was a horrible horrible idea. It brought back emotions i wanted to keep left in the past. Once the fun is over (and it will be over eventually) it's like going through the grieving part all over again. Never ever would I do this, especially an ex that I had deep feelings for or was very hurt over. Besdies, is there really any future with doing this? There is more of a future in a one night stand at a bar than with an ex you really don't ever want to be involved with again. Secondly, if you're female, you can get sex anywhere. It's easier for you to get sex than it is to pour a cup of water out of the faucet. So why do you NEED to have sex with the ex for? If you spent 5 minutes I'm sure you could find a guy (good looking enough) to have sex with you and it wouldn't come with all the baggage _AND DRAMA_ your ex does. I don't understand your reasoning at all. You really are sending him mixed signals by doing even oral with your ex.... You divorced his a$$ and i'm not saying he didn't deserve it, but it's probably better to leave it how it is. You had your reasons at the time right? I can't stand women that flip flop back and forth over a guy they want one year and then throw them away like trash the next year. Pisses me off to no end. Make a decision and stick to it. You divorced his a$$, so act like it and stop being wishy washy about the whole thing. Good luck to you. SuperGeek We were married for 20 years when I decided to divorce him. The anger against him was so strong for so many years, until I went numb and felt nothing. We divorced, perhaps it all happened to fast. Once the train was moving I could not stop it. We have been seperated for a few months now. He came over my house the other day, he was angry because I was seeing someone during our seperation. We talked about it. We ended up having oral sex, he didn't want to have sex sex because he is in a "relationship" and it wouldn't be right. Of course this was revealed after the act was over. He has been sending messages since how he liked it and still loves me. I feel like the only reason he did this was to prevent me from seeing the other guy. Like he is "marking his territory". Or maybe he believes if he pleasures me I won't contact the "other guy". I believe he is conflicted because we did have sexual contact, yet he really liked it. Surprisingly so did I. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed sex with him. Am I crazy? Anyone else have sex with the ex? How'd it work out? Is sex with the ex like an affair? I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I could have him if I wanted, but do I? Edited December 9, 2012 by SuperGeek
Author candyland123 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 SuperGeek You make a good point. I just want to clarify at no time did I ask or encourage him to come over. He asked to stop by, he controls many of my expenses still, it was part of our agreement. He has threatened to cut them off over him finding out I was seeing someone. My thoughts were don't piss him off, if he wants to yell at you in person, let him. He surprised me GREATLY when he kissed me. Why did I let him? I may be able to have sex with anyone easily, but I have only been with 2 men. I cannot see myself having random sex, its not me. With him there is a history, it does not feel as wrong as a stranger would be. I have to say hurting again is part of my thought process this weekend. I don't want to do that to him or myself. I have ignored his texts. I don't think this will happen again. I do believe it had a lot to do with him finding out about me seeing someone. I know I was angry when he publicly proclaimed he was "in a relationship" two days after our divorce was final. I actually have sensitivity for his feelings, he has totally disregarded mine. If anyone is wishywashy it would be him. He feels justified in telling me who I can and cannot see. He wants to control me it has always been this way. Unfortunately they are patterns which are hard to break. I go along with him because arguing has always been impossible. Complying was always easiest. For me I think I was just following a pattern. Sorry for the long post, I find I work out my feelings as I write. What bothers me most. Is when he wanted to look into my eyes and I couldn't I didn't want to. To me this is the strongest connection between two people. kissing and gazing into each others eyes. Yet I couldn't do it. Very telling moment.
Yasuandio Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I too am dependent on the alimony payments - and feel totally jacked around when they are late. But I have instituted the NC period since the trial. We are divorced (no kids), that means we are no longer married and there is no future - it is over. I know, as a woman, if I were to entertain sex of any kind with him - I would be weakened, and eventually hurt, then angry - then, have to go thruough the whole grieving process again. Therefore, NC, period. It is possible, that you x-mate wanted to amrk his territory. But it is equally possible that he will always have a place for you in his heart - as you do too (as you were once married). If you see him, especially in an uninhibited state (drinking), obviously, you can be tempted. Sometimes, this temporary, out of the blue sex connection between former couple can be referred to as "hysterical bonding" - especially, when a third party is, or has been in the picture. Stay away. The hyserical bonding is going to affect you more than it does him - as already stated. Intercourse, by far will make you feel even more tied to him (read about the chemical women release when they are having sex, oxytocin: HowStuffWorks "How Love Works".) When he is finished "conquring you - you will feel terrible, and more confused. Stop before it goes further, and you are forced into a re-grieving process. That's my advice. I hope this helps. Yas
Author candyland123 Posted December 9, 2012 Author Posted December 9, 2012 Yas, it does. I never thought of the hysterical bonding but yes I do think he was marking his territory. Honestly, it would be his feelings more hurt then my own. I have closed mine off for so many years I am pretty good at shutting off emotions he is not. I am hoping to learn to open my heart a little more, but not to the x. I see by comments I have made here, while I like him, I don't think I was ever in love with him. He rescued me and I allowed it. How long divorced are you.
Yasuandio Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 Yas, it does. I never thought of the hysterical bonding but yes I do think he was marking his territory. Honestly, it would be his feelings more hurt then my own. I have closed mine off for so many years I am pretty good at shutting off emotions he is not. I am hoping to learn to open my heart a little more, but not to the x. I see by comments I have made here, while I like him, I don't think I was ever in love with him. He rescued me and I allowed it. How long divorced are you. The three day trial was this past August. However, we were separated with divorce papers filed since December 2008.
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