loneman Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Not sure where to post this..but here it is. I am trying to understand my XW. Here is little back story. I got the ILBNILWY story. Found out about OM (MM). We tried to R, but she was not into it. She moved out, took the kids. I filed…D was done rather quick. She confessed a month ago about the whole thing. Said she broke up with him but still loves him. I exposed to OM’s wife, hell broke loose. No remorse, no guilt…noting. The usual story. Now, she came to pick up the kids yesterday and came in the house and started crying. Said the house looks beautiful and worm. Asked if she can go upstairs and I was hesitant in the beginning but I let her. She came in the kids room and the play room and there were a few photos of us as a family hanging on the wall. The only photos of us as a family. The rest I took down and replaced. When she saw those photos she cried even more. What I am trying to understand is the tears. Why? What do they mean? Am I reading too much into it? Is it regret? One thing I have to say is that I still do love her, but just could not see us being together ever again. Too much pain…too much mistrust. I could not get past the mental pictures of them two together having sex, the lies… Any WS here who were having second thoughts after divorce? Did you act on it? Did you talk to your BS, trying to fix things? How did it turn out? I do not think I could give her a second chance. Maybe if I saw true remorse…but still.
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 I think she is realizing what her affair has cost her. All that she's lost. A broken home for your children, and a family unit as one, no more. Yes it's guilt, remorse and sadness. A little too late though.. Take the high horse, show her compassion but make it clear to her that you two are no more. But, let her know that you two can be great co parents together for the kids sake. 4
2.50 a gallon Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Too bad we can't mind read but would guess that WWIU is hitting the nail on the head. My Ex hit the wall about a month after our separation. I had kicked her out when I caught her kissing one of the OM's. We had no kids, but had a couple of cats we had reared since their birth. She missed the cats, stopped by to see her babies, and at the sametime fluant her affair with the body builder guard. Just before she got ready to leave, she put two and two together and realized that I had not slept alone the previous night. And in an instant the fog cleared and she did a total 180 on me. The OM was waiting for her at the next door neighbors apartment, and she went outside and yelled at the top of her lungs so the whole neighborhood could hear what a loser he was, especially in the bedroom. She ended up in a fetal position on my living room floor begging me to reconcile, and berating herself for her stupidity. All in all it was rather scary, as I just remembered she ended up with the dry heaves. I was able to contact one of her friends, and between the two of us got her calmed down enough to take her back to her friends place, but only with my promise that I would got with her to MC. I did attend one session, where I explained my position that there was no hope of us ever reconciling. But still she did not give up, I changed work places, she found me, I moved, and she found me. The phone calls stopped when I changed my number, but that did not stop her from sending me Christmas, B-day, Valantine, and occassional remorse cards for the next 3 to 4 years She even paid a suprise visit with my mom, who lived a thousand miles away in hopes she would intercede for her. Also for what it is worth, just before we married she had gotten her college degree in electronics. And had taken a super job with a high tech firm, after the break up she was worthless and was let go a year later. She never used her degree again and ended up living with a family and working for them in their puppy farm. 1
candyland123 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 You still love her. This is the difference between you and the previous poster. You wondered what she is feeling, why now? There could be many reasons. I know myself I cried over the lost future. Being in your kids room reminded her of all she will never have with them. The family times together with you. It hurts thinking of all you will never have. Is it regret over the OM, maybe but don't give him credit for the marriage break-up. The divorce is about the two of you, he was only a symptom of what was wrong with the marriage. I believe you need to decide first if you can live with your wife's affair. If you can overcome the hurt and anger then maybe explore with your xw her feelings. If not, then cry with her over the lost relationship. 1
Author loneman Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 You still love her. This is the difference between you and the previous poster. You wondered what she is feeling, why now? There could be many reasons. I know myself I cried over the lost future. Being in your kids room reminded her of all she will never have with them. The family times together with you. It hurts thinking of all you will never have. Is it regret over the OM, maybe but don't give him credit for the marriage break-up. The divorce is about the two of you, he was only a symptom of what was wrong with the marriage. I believe you need to decide first if you can live with your wife's affair. If you can overcome the hurt and anger then maybe explore with your xw her feelings. If not, then cry with her over the lost relationship. I do not know if I could or not live with it. We are divorced. Unfortunately we do not communicate much. She is in her own world. I think I could overcome her affair if she was being truly remorseful about it, but as of right now I do not see it. I even asked her once, before the divorce was final, if she has any regrets or if she wished she did things differently. The answer was obvious, no. WWIU, I wish I could show her compassion. But she is not asking for it. Will she ever? I do not know. She is probably getting it from OM. Even though she says they are not together. Well, she lied before. I just don't think those were the tears of regret or remorse. She probably felt a little emotional. After all, we spent 10 years in this house together. Both kids were born in it. It was not just the house, it was home. It's sad that I have to sell it, I will always miss it. But it's for the better. The new place will have no memories of previous life and it will be easier to move on. 1
aMguilts Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 I do not know if I could or not live with it. We are divorced. Unfortunately we do not communicate much. She is in her own world. I think I could overcome her affair if she was being truly remorseful about it, but as of right now I do not see it. I even asked her once, before the divorce was final, if she has any regrets or if she wished she did things differently. The answer was obvious, no. WWIU, I wish I could show her compassion. But she is not asking for it. Will she ever? I do not know. She is probably getting it from OM. Even though she says they are not together. Well, she lied before. I just don't think those were the tears of regret or remorse. She probably felt a little emotional. After all, we spent 10 years in this house together. Both kids were born in it. It was not just the house, it was home. It's sad that I have to sell it, I will always miss it. But it's for the better. The new place will have no memories of previous life and it will be easier to move on. Time for you to move on. Make the new place yours. Same goes with whats in your head too i reckon aM
Mumbles Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 What I am trying to understand is the tears. Why? What do they mean? Am I reading too much into it? Is it regret? Possibly regret, but more probably sentimentalism and an overwhelming feeling of loss. I feel deeply the loss of my own marriage, but I do not believe I feel regret about allowing it to end.
SuperGeek Posted December 9, 2012 Posted December 9, 2012 It's sad that I have to sell it, I will always miss it. But it's for the better. The new place will have no memories of previous life and it will be easier to move on. Selling the house after my ex left helped me sooooooo much. Can't tell you the dramatic improvement it had on my recovery. It's a new physical home, new memories, and a new start at life and possibly a new relaionship. Also your kids will get used to the new place as well and they won't be reminded of what transpired at the old house. While the memories at the old house shouldn't be forgotten, moving on seems to have worked for me better. This is why i don't understand why people fight for the 'house' in a divorce settlement. Just sell the damn thing. Start over. It's just a house. What if the house was burned down or washed away in a flood? People rebuild all the time and make it through OK. Sell it and just be done with the bad chapters that transpired there. Fill the new house with great new memories and experiences. SuperGeek 3
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