Question for the experienced

[emilywtf]

So for those of you post divorce and feel like you are in a good place, how long did it take you to get there? Do you have tips?

 

I am relatively young at 34 but with my soon to be ex for 10 years. We are divorcing and it is nasty. Thankfully, no kids.

 

I guess I am feeling scared and there not a ton of people who seem to get it. I get people saying, you should be happy it is over, or telling me I should hate him, or that it is dumb to be scared of this life change.

 

I appreciate any words of wisdom you all care to share because i am sad, and scared, and broken hearted. I just do not know how to move forward or the best path to get there.

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you just need to grieve the loss. Even though this ended in divorce for whatever reason, it didn't work out - It's still sad and a dream of a life you two could have had together. That's like a death of a life that you once had. It's not going to be easy so just take it each day as it comes and it's okay to feel sad.

 

Get busy and try new hobbies.. Be with friends and family who care about you and rely on them to help you through this tough time.

[BlueStone]

Emily, what you feel is absolutely normal. It is natural that you are scared since you wanted to live your life as a wife and best friend of your husband and now you are loosing your husband, friend, ally and your life is changing upside down. If you have been living in a bad or rollercoaster marriage, you've somehow gotten used to the situation and tolerate it until you could.

[emilywtf]

I guess O could have mentioned i went back to school, so there are definitely things to concentrate on, the problem is those quiet times... Like right now. By myself (cheater cheater pumpkin eater is out with his awful woman) and i have no distactions. It is part of the reason i am posting and reading things here- keep my mind on something rather than dwell.

[BlueStone]

I went back to school too...I'm in the midst of my finals, would be nice to have a hb. who would pat my shoulder once in a while...but let's not lament.

As for your cheater, chances are that he is not happy with the awful w. just spends the time with her...

[loneman]

It took me nine months to get better. Not 100% back yet, but better. I joined a divorce support group and few other groups on meetup.com. I connected with people that were going thru same thing as me, and that helped a lot. IC too.

I was doing everything in the book just to get better. Going back to school too. Finding and reconnecting with old hobbies. Going out.

I did not allow myself any free time.

Time does heal, but the scars will always remain.

One more thing, I am now able to focus on the good things we had and it does not bring sadness any longer. I am happy when I think of past times.

You will get better, day by day. Baby steps.

Good luck!

[Yasuandio]

I had a long separation whilst the protracted divorce was in process (4 years). You pretty much have some time to begin accepting the situation as the divorce approaches - but if not, the final decree sort of cinches it.

 

Here is what I realize - by finially applying some wisdon, that is, looking at the "good side" of divorcing this spouse. Here are the good side of my divorce:

 

1. No longer to I have to care for his picky needs (picky eater, picky about laundry, etc.). That is a big job I no longer am responsible for - nor would I ever care to take on again.

 

2. I am an artist, and create challenging work - that he did not at all appreciate - in fact, he made snide comments such as "it belongs on the curb for the garbage to pick up." For years, my art was displayed in an unused upstairs bedroom where it wouldn't be seen. When we moved to this house - my art work was located to the unfinished portion of basement - where it got knocked around quite a bit, and forgotten.

 

Now things are different. I have repaired most of my large electronic sculptures, which are ver much like huge alterpieces that takeup a corner of a room in some instances. I love being around them - because they are about "me." Such sculptural alterpieces and challenging paintings and others (what he would condiser strange) objects are displayed proudly in my home now. I receive many compliments. It makes me happy to be surrounded by my collection. This is not possible with that man.

 

3. I have drastically changed some paint colors in the home.

 

4. I let the dogs sleep with me in the bed. It is so nice!

 

5. I have FREEDOM to go anywhere at anytime without questions, judgment, or criticism.

 

6. I have a fake pink Chistmas tree up - he never would allow a fake tree into the house. I just lovely "gaudy" things like this - it is a joy for my eyes. In fact, XMAS almost became nonexistant - as he really didn't participate or appreciate, so, it went by the wayside in the last 6-7 years of the marriage. He is from another country - but they do celebrate, and I have seen a photo of his Mom by a XMAS tree - so appartently, he understands the tradition. But just stopped responding to "our tradition."

 

7. I celebrate all tradition by decorating my home, and feisting on the various festive foods of holidays such as my favorite - Halloween, and Easter, V-day, etc. I celebrate, or try to, celebrate my birthday. He thought these traditions were stupid. I love them.

 

8. I stay up as late as I want. I listen to the music I like. I watch TV shows and movies I enjoy. I no longer need to hear CNN and MSN blairing in the background at all times he was at home.

 

9. I talk to others - without suspitious smart a$$ remarks.

 

10. I am able to entertain friends again. (In the past years, this became impossible - due to his hostile behavior).

 

OK. Try to apply wisdom - and look at your situation - and search for something on the other sidfe of the coin - something good that comes from the divorce, then focus on that or those things. Reality says I have just listed ten new things where my life is improved. I could keep listing. And - I need to keep searching for more things to re-fill my soul again. I think all of the above falls under the concept of FREEDOM. Men and women have died on the battlefield for freedom. Getting out of a bad marriage gives you FREEDOM. While there may be some downsides - don't ever forget, that you now are a free woman! Try your best to enjoy pleasures that disappeared during the marriage - find yourself again. This is my advice. Yas

[lovely81]

Echo the "no free time" comment. That helped me tremendously in the first few months.

Cutting off all contact, never discussing him with mutual friends.

It's going to hurt but it will get better. Also one thing looking back, I think I did an okay job holding my head high, but really my only faint regret are the times I let myself get sentimental at times--we exchanged Christmas presents after it was over, phone convos that lasted too long, one very emotional email. Stuff like that. Think I should have treated him like a decent human being, but one who was a stranger, not one who I had past stronger connections with. I guess I felt guilty or like I'd be saying I squandered all those years of my life if I didn't keep the connection alive in some way. Now I just look back and think I wouldn't want that person in my life as a lover or a friend, so it just seems pointless!

One day at a time!!!

[2.50 a gallon]

I was a confirmed bachelor, age 35, until I saw her walking down the aisle and turned into a devoted husband. My party days were over as a whole new world opened up to me, I could have kids, a home, someday grandkids.

 

Six months later it was over when I caught her in the arms of another man. I was totally devastated, and to make matter worse we had just moved across the country for her new job and I had no friends to turn to.

 

I kicked her out, and walked away from the marriage, she finally divorced me about 4 years later.

 

I was stuck living out the lease, for a couple of months, but used this time to go apartment hunting for the ideal place. I purposely chose one on the ground floor with room for my Webber cooker just outside the door. I also bought a new ice cream maker, between the webber and the ice cream maker it was not long before I had a host of new friends.

 

Like you, I had a problem with the quiet times and had to find a way to get my mind off of her. The way I looked at it was every second that I didn't think about her was a victory, so I had to find a way to turn the seconds into minutes, the minutes into hours, etc.

 

For the Ex I had pretty much given up on my favorite hobby, I got back into that with a vengence. To avoid burnout, I let myself try other interests, I failed at orchid raising, but had good luck raising rare and hard to breed tropical fish. It took a lot of time to get the right water conditions, then once I got them to spawn, more time raising live food for the fry and raising them to adult hood.

 

I was already a decent cook, and decided to expand from that by teaching myself how to cook some gourmet meals. This was a triple winner for me, as they took more time off of the clock, and rewarded me with a great meal, and later new female companionship.

 

The idea is to keep yourself busy, as your returning to school, look around for new things you might want to try. Now is the chance to try something you have thought about trying but never had the time for.

 

Tropical fish, painting, doll house building, where ever your heart leads you.

Edited December 9, 2012 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Others, including myself, who have experienced what you are now going thru refer to this time as the roller coaster ride. Some days you will be happy and high that you are moving on, only to find yourself back at the bottom the next.

 

With the passage of time, the peaks and valleys will not be near as extreme and that will be one of the first signs that you are healing. How long before the track flattens out varies from person to person.

 

By my moving to a large complex and making new friends, I began to level off in November, or about 5 months. However, having married during the holidays and it would have been our first anniversary, I triggered badly and found myself way down again.

 

Luckily, I had found some old cookie cutters that my mom had given me, and in order to keep myself busy over the Thanksgiving holdiday had baked a batch of cookies, and decorated them in great detail. Upon sharing them with my new friends, I had several female neighbors offer to assist me and bring the wine with the next batch, I ended up baking another 3 batches.

 

Once past the holidays, I was once again on the way to a true recovery.

 

All in all it took me about a year.

[2.50 a gallon]

I understand you being scared.

 

I think that deep down, each of us wondered at one time or another at the break up of our marriage, "Will I ever have the recipe of Love Again?"

 

As a general rule of thumb, Cheaters cheat down! And while it might take some time for the betrayed spouse they eventually find a new and far superior replacement.

 

At the breakup of my marriage, I was determined to never fall in love again. I was rock, I was an island, and I was constantly on guard. For 14 years I safely hid behind my high thick unpenetrable walls.

 

As in the song "Puff the Magic Dragon". ". . . then one night it happened . . .", second date, first kiss, and my once mighty walls had melted away in less than a second. I was in love. There is no defence

 

It took about a year until she felt the same. We have now been together for over 17 years. She is the sweetest, kindest, most non-selfish, most giving person I have ever met. And in the looks department, she is totally out of my league, a grand mother of a teenager who still looks good in a two piece. Eye Candy for me as I am retired

 

I recently found a photo of my Ex on the web. It has been over 30 years since we broke up, and I could barely recognize her. I am so thankful that I don't have to kiss that every morning.

 

I definitely moved up.

 

If it could happen to me, a man who was hard headedly adament about never falling in love again, it surely will happen to you.

[SuperGeek]

2.50 gallon,

 

Thank you for your posts... those were deeply moving for me. I am going through the same phase right now where I'm a rock and have the walls piled pretty high.

 

I'm working full time and I'm in school (which really is what I needed to do for my career anyway) and it helps pass the time.

 

I hope some day I meet the girl that breaks down the walls I have built up in seconds just like it happened for you, until then i will just continue, just like the OP, healing each day.

 

I get scared too since I'm now 33,no kids yet, and no wife. Some women have told me I'm a red flag at this point for not being established with a family already.

 

SuperGeek

Edited December 10, 2012 by SuperGeek