did he really leave a string attached?

[shahjahan]

I have been getting crazy about this issue lately, and I know this post might seem very lengthy, but please bear with me...

A few months ago, a new relationship began in my life. It was, of course, wonderful at first (we had a very long honeymoon phase), and it seemed like our connection grew stronger all the time. We study together (we are 27 and 29), we have similar backgrounds, matching intellectual interests, great sex life, magic intimacy, and much much more. However, I am agnostic and he is a recently-converted Catholic.

 

We also often have opposing political views, but it was always a fun and inspiring reason for long, hyper-interesting debates we could have till the end of the night, during which (I thought) we got to know each other better and get an even deeper connection.

A while ago, he started working, and was kept busy more time than before, so, naturally, we had less quality time to spend together. However, every day we would meet in the evening (sometimes late) and sleep, embraced, peacefully, either at his place or at mine. He was always extremely caring, loving, tender, passionate and understanding, and I had no reason to suspect what was about to happen.

 

One day (a month ago), he came to my apartment in the evening to spend some time together. However, instead of having the usual lovely chit-chat, he sat on the bed and said that he'd been putting this off for a couple of weeks, but there is no good time to do it. And no good way either. He said, simply, that even though his feeling for me have not changed, (so this is a purely rational decision, according to him), he doesn't see our relationship working in a more distant future, because we're too different, when it comes to religion, politics, and our general outlooks in life. So, knowing that his religion does not allow him to be in a (however fun and loving) relationship with someone he cannot foresee to marry, he has to end it, because it's not going to work anyway.

 

I was shocked and stunned, and we talked for a while, as I explained to him, that we are actually not as different as he might perceive it, and that what I had said at the very beginning of our relationship about my reluctance to establish a family in the foreseeable future, has actually changed in the meantime, as his love has grown on me, and I began to see him as a long-term, stable partner.

He maintained his decision, but said "let's talk tomorrow again". Having cried all night, and spent the entire day in university with little capacity to concentrate, I reunited with him in the evening (he suggested we go to his place for dinner and coffee). There, I explained to him, that I had never treated him wrong (so I consider his judgment to be unjust - why would it not work in married life if it works perfectly fine right now?), opened up my heart and told him that as long as we love each other there is no point in breaking up prematurely for "rational" reasons.

 

We explained some minor disagreements we had had, and agreed (without me coercing him or begging him to, it was acutally HIS idea entirely) to reunite and try again, this time sincerely communicating our thoughts and doubts as they come along, and spending more quality time together. He begged me to forgive him for trying to break up, cried (we both did), kissed me and promised to try his best. We walked back to the metro station, and I went back home, calm and relieved, as he headed to meet a friend who was visiting from abroad. He said he'd come to my place in a couple of hours. He did, after a couple of beers, slightly intoxicated, but loving, caring, tender, humorous....like in the old days. We were, however, so exhausted after having spent two days without any sleep, that we fell asleep instantly, lying in each other's arms and saying how much we loved each other.

 

At that point, something really weird happened. Something that never happened before (as I later learned) in his life, or mine. He started sleepwalking, anxiously, hitting against the furniture. He said (while still sleeping) what he was going for a cigarette, and left the room. He wandered into my flatmate's room, knocked over a few pieces of his furniture, lay down in his bed and refused to leave.My flatmate and I were both shocked and amused by this incident (which we ascribed to a particularly unfortunate combination of tiredness and alcohole), but we thought he was probably not going to remember it the next day. I managed to calmly guide my boyfriend to our bed, and proceeded to clean up. When I came back, several minutes later, it turned out he woke up and realised what happened. I saw him dressed up, ready to leave, and extremely upset and embarrassed.

 

I told him that what happened was nothing grave, that it can happen to anyone, and please don't go anywhere. He said he cannot stay there right now, he ****ed up, he needs to go to his place, cause he can't face himself right now. He left the flat, angrily, and didn't answer my phone calls (I kept calling him, fearing he still may not be entirely awake). Finally, a few minutes later, he answered and told me to leave it, to go to sleep and remember that he loves me, but he just has to be alone with what he's done. The next day, I texted him, asking how he feels, repeating that everything was fine, and offering to meet. He answered, that he is in such a great emotional unbalance right now, that he just nneds a day to disconnect, be alone, etc. I accepted it, and only met the following afternoon after he'd gone to church, when he came to my place again.

 

This time, he lay on the bed for an hour, crying, unable to say a word. I held him and stroked him gently, not wanting to push him for anything. Finally, while sobbing in the most genuine (and scary-looking) pain, he said that he is entirely drained of all energy, that in spite of his feelings for me and in spite of the fact that we agreed on a second chance, I have to let him go, because this situation is killing him. Instead of hope, he only feels dispair, and he cannot bring himself to fight for something he cannot really believe in. Seeing him crying, sobbing, trembling and getting hysterical I said sure, honey, I'm not going to force you into anything, I accept your decision, and please remember that I'm always here for you.

 

I also asked if he maybe just needed some time alone and he said "no, i need to close this now or i'll go crazy, i'll do something stupid". He also said "I don't know what the future will bring, maybe we can hit it off again in a few months, or sth, I don't know, but right now I cannot cope, it's too much". "And please, understand, I really want you to be happy, I just cannot see this working and I have to go". At this point, I let him go. We both cried, and embraced each other, but I knew that he needed to leave.

 

Since then, we saw each other several times in class, chatted casually a number of times (he even fixed my broken laptop) and then he offered (a week ago) that we should go to dinner together. We did, and enjoyed it a lot! Except, we didn't talk about our relationship directly, but we did discuss our lives, our problems, our views... it felt a bit like a date to me and all in all, it was a nice night, contrary to what I had expected. As we were saying goodbye, he said he was sorry if I had expected something else, that it's not like he's stopped thinking about me, but he needs to figure out what he wants in life and where he wants to go. I said, fine, I am ok, I miss you a lot but I can cope with my life and I'm patient. He said "Im not asking for your patience" and hugged me. Two days later (it was my birthday), we met in university again, and he gave me a birthday gift (a couple of books he had bought beforehand for this occasion), but we didn't have time to talk much, as there were other people around.

 

Today, again, we met in a birthday poarty of a common friend of ours, and I had the impression like he was avoiding me a little bit, avoiding eye contact, turning away, maintaining the conversation at a very odd, almost formal, level. Then again, after a few beers, we chatted a while and said good-bye in a very friendly way. wIn a few days, the christmas break begins - he will go to his country, I will go to mine, and we won't see each other for almost a month. ((

I know there is no one else (at least so far), cause I had asked (He said "trust me, it would be much easier, if it was the case".), and cause I know that his feelings for me were (are?) sincere. Love like the one we had does not change overnight, and if two weeks before breakup he slept in my arms telling me how much he loved me, how can it be that now he is suddenly so distant? Can it really be our disagreement over the american elections that caused all this??? Or his religious doubts?.

 

I feel like this (clearly religious-motivated) decision was rash and influenced by some sort of personal crisis he is experiencing. Why would you break up with someone you love? What is going on in his head? Why this? Why now? And - more importantly - why not try again? I really, really love him and care about him and feel like if we do not try again, it is a giant wasted opportunity.

However, it's probably too early, and his emotions are too stirred.

 

What do I do? I don't contact him at all, but we still meet, occasionally, due to our studies.

Is it possible to come back together? If so, how?

 

I am really, really, flexible and I would never object to his religious beliefs or stand in his way, I really want to have a long, committed relationship, because he is a very valuable, loving, wonderful person. However troubled his childhood might have been, and however twisted the ideas in his head right now, I really love him and want to be with him.

What do I do?? How do I help him? How do I let him understand that this is all a mistake?

I know this is VERY long but I feel like with a missing piece the whole story could be easily misinterpreted...

Thank you very much in advance for your thoughts and advice,

 

Sincerely,

Edited December 8, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, if you want more replies then make your threads with less text and use paragraphs as people will not read it

[movingon12]

He sounds very confused, and you're handling it remarkably well.

 

Religious differences are not enough to break up a relationship unless you want them to. My husband's muslim and I'm atheist, it's not a big deal. It sounds to me like someone else is getting involved and telling him that it can't work (I don't know if that's true), which is why he is so torn.

 

I think you've done all the right things and now you just need to give him space (NC) to see whether he can find a way to come to terms with this. I would avoid 'being friends' - he has to choose either a relationship or nothing. If you give him a 'middle ground', he'll probably choose it because it seems the easiest solution and then one of you will be miserable when the other moves on.