I know the answer, but I dont want to do it

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Okay...so I know what most peoples answers on here will be, but I'm going to ask it anyways. I've posted on the Breaking up portion of this board and everything but ill run the cliff notes:

 

-Girlfriend for almost three years broke up with me in late September. I was her first love and though I dated before, she was mine too (21 years old I'm 26) She was crying very hard and said she was very "co-dependent" on me. Had LOTS of problems growing up and started going to therapy. Very depressed.....First four or five weeks said she loves me so much and she promises she will come back. Said I'm "the one" and doesnt want to be broken up anymore, but knows she needs to keep doing going with her therapy and do this. She kept asking "after my therapy, I want us to try again" or "after my school semester, I want to try again"

 

-I got pretty needy during this time and was a little too lovey and things started to go aray. She stopped texting as much and then I wrote a love letter (DUMB)....after the letter she said she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now with anyone and blah blah. After that week, I kept hounding her about it every single day for one week, and then she was like I just dont love you anymore and I kept mentioning if there was a guy she was dating and she goes no I'm not dating anyone. There is someone that I do like, but again I dont want a relationship and you know that and he knows that....

 

Okay so after that day, I went NC. I knew nothing was going to happen if I kept hounding her. That was three weeks ago. She has sent two text during the three weeks just saying hope you are doing well such and such. Probably feeling guilty text, nothing really more and I didnt respond...After taking some time away, I'm almost sure that she just got bored with our relationship. I worked a bunch and she started hanging out with her two friends almost every weekend for a month before. IN ADDITION, I didn't show her how I felt enough. I was VERY passive in the last couple of months. Work was stressing me out and I wasnt showing her any love.... Now, I havent really gone full NC as I'm still looking on social networks from time to time (bad I know) and she is still hanging with those same two friends, but really doing nothing incredibly different than she was. From what Ive gathered from people, she isn't incredibly happy either. Also, I'm almost positive she still isn't dating anyone else.... In these three months, I have changed drastically as well. I've got another job, I've moved out of our apartment, I've been going out with friends enjoying life and even tried dating again. I've become the old self and I'm confident enough to move on with my life like I have, but at the end of the day, I still want her.

 

Now, I KNOW what people are going to say. Keep NC, she needs to contact you, dont take the breadcrumbs, etc etc. You guys are incredibly smart wtih that and I dont doubt that you are right. I know NC works, I did it with my previous ex GF and it works wonders.... However, its getting around the holidays and I want to see if there is still something here. I dont know if there is, but I want to try. If this was anyone else, I wouldnt even attempt this because its a suicide mission....but I want to try. How would I go about this? Just send a casual text? Just see how things are going? I know girls can see through the BS and know what you are trying to do especially since its only been a month after the "offical" BU, but I do want to try....I want her under the christmas tree

[aMguilts]

Why you shouldn`t text her? Ok let me put it this way...is she texting you ? Does she want YOU under her christmas tree?

 

I`ve said this a lot, and thought it even more lately..... If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you right now. Right this minute.

 

I believe you are just using christmas as an excuse?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Put all your energy into yourself or friends and family, preferably both

 

aM

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Why you shouldn`t text her? Ok let me put it this way...is she texting you ? Does she want YOU under her christmas tree?

 

I`ve said this a lot, and thought it even more lately..... If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you right now. Right this minute.

 

I believe you are just using christmas as an excuse?

Let sleeping dogs lie. Put all your energy into yourself or friends and family, preferably both

 

aM

 

Hey AM thanks for the reply...yeah I mean it makes sense....if she wanted it bad enough, she would have it. She has texted me since, but nothing of substance. It makes perfect sense and I should let it go, but at the same time I don't. I have changed from what she remembers and I want to throw the hook out to see if she bites. Bad idea? Probably...won't respond very well? More than likely......but I think there is still something here somewhat.

[aMguilts]

Hey AM thanks for the reply...yeah I mean it makes sense....if she wanted it bad enough, she would have it. She has texted me since, but nothing of substance. It makes perfect sense and I should let it go, but at the same time I don't. I have changed from what she remembers and I want to throw the hook out to see if she bites. Bad idea? Probably...won't respond very well? More than likely......but I think there is still something here somewhat.

 

hi ConfusedHumanBeing

 

Bottom line? You haven`t changed. You saying that you`ve changed says it all. You may well of changed, but for the wrong reasons. You`ve changed for her. The right reason would be changing for you. And if you had of changed.... you wouldn`t even think about texting her right now or asking `santa` for her for christmas.

 

You`d be with someone , or at least , moving on to being with someone that you deserve better.

You seem like a smart guy. In your head you know you will get nowhere by texting her. so why bother?

 

Fair assumption?

 

aM

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

hi ConfusedHumanBeing

 

Bottom line? You haven`t changed. You saying that you`ve changed says it all. You may well of changed, but for the wrong reasons. You`ve changed for her. The right reason would be changing for you. And if you had of changed.... you wouldn`t even think about texting her right now or asking `santa` for her for christmas.

 

You`d be with someone , or at least , moving on to being with someone that you deserve better.

You seem like a smart guy. In your head you know you will get nowhere by texting her. so why bother?

 

Fair assumption?

 

aM

 

Hello again....well I did change, but I was much forced to...When she.left, I couldn't afford the rest of the apartment, so I had to leave. I had to leave my job because it wasn't paying enough. It was a lot of change at once that had to be made. Once she left fully, I had to.I went on a date the other day and for a little bit, I wasn't thinking about my ex. When it was over, I felt like I can move. What the difference is I know I CAN, but she is what I want. Texting her right now will probably not do a thing, but doing NC and having us move on helps in the long run in healing, but not if there is a chance of reconcilation...and obviously if she doesnt want it, its obviously not going to happen. I want to see if there is still something.... Sitting here hoping something changes makes it less likely that it will. It's not my job to change her mind, nor can I. SHE is the one that has to want it, and the last time I talked to her, she didn't want it. I don't know I just feel like coming out there and trying.

Edited December 8, 2012 by ConfusedHumanBeing

[aMguilts]

NC is for you to move on, Not her.

 

I understand what you are going through. Like i said, you seem like a smart guy. You know texting her will get you no where.

I said this in another post but i`ll say it too you. Christmas can be the most loniest time of all. Everybody expects everyone else to be happy, its the season of goodwill and all that c**p.!!

It`s psychological.

Logically thinking? Would you be feeling like this if it was the 1st week in jan next year?

By all means text her. I know and i think you do too, you`ll just be wasting your time.

If you think you really have a chance with her and your get back with her by `reaching` out to her ,? Then go for it.

 

Me asking you thou and be honest. Do you really think it will change ANYTHING?

 

I wish you the best in whatever you decide

regards

aM

Edited December 8, 2012 by aMguilts

[NavyAirTraffic]

If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you right now. Right this minute.

 

This is it, this is truth, this is all that matters. I used this to fuel me to never contact my ex. She knows how you feel, she knows you love her and she doesn't care.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

This is it, this is truth, this is all that matters. I used this to fuel me to never contact my ex. She knows how you feel, she knows you love her and she doesn't care.

 

Is there ANYTHING I can try? I'm honestly willing to be burned again if I knew I tried my hardest....

[Million.to.1]

Yes.. there is something that you can do.

You can commit right now to at least 6 months NC. Then commit to another 6.

Have fun with your friends. Date. Meet other girls. Actually move on. Fall in love with someone new and let her do the same.

Bottom line. You are still both young. If she is the love of your life, you have to trust that she will be back one day, and in the meantime, get on with your own happiness.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Is there ANYTHING I can try? I'm honestly willing to be burned again if I knew I tried my hardest....

 

No! She said she's not in love with you, you cannot do anything to make her love you again. Only she can discover that on her own.

 

Keep this in mind.... when she left you there was a huge weight lifted off her shoulders, she hated talking to you, hated texting you, it felt amazing getting you out of her life. That might sound harsh, but if our exes really loved us would they ever let go of us? No, because you still love her and still can't let her go.

 

That's what people truly in love do, they stay and try to work, they don't let you go. People in love won't take the chance of losing the ones they love.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hello everyone. I decided to come on here and kinda update...sorta. Well, it has been three weeks of NC, but a month of the BU and almost three months of a "break/BU" stage..... I did not text, e-mail, etc. Yes, I did still look on facebook from time to time which is tech. NOT FULL NC, but I did not contact her nor talk to anyone she knows. Even before that, there wasnt much talking anyways....She sent me two text during the three weeks just saying I hope you are well. I didn't responded to them....just didn't. Felt like it was better to give it some more time. Well, even after KNOWING fully well it was stupid and actually listening to advice, I did decide to write a friendly text back last night. It got too much for me honestly....I said "Hey _____, I got your message last week. I've been pretty busy. I too hope you are doing well." That was it. I got no response....I wasn't shocked obviously since there really wasn't a question in there nor something to respond to, and since I ignored almost the same thing she asked me for two weeks, I wasn't expecting anything.....

 

Well, this is where I get really stupid. Today (Monday), I was very down on myself. I've had a REALLY rough go of life for the past three months. I've lost my love, I lost my job, I lost my apartment, and Ive lost two really good/best friends. As a 26 year old man with two degrees having to now live at his mothers house, things aren't really going well for me. Sadly, the ONLY thing I think about is her (she doesnt know any of this. She knows I moved out, but thinks im doing great...not that it matters just saying)....I know its dumb. Anyways, I was wondering why she didnt text back. I thought after 3 weeks of NC and her trying to contact me twice (breadcrumbs, but still), I thought just a friendly conversation could happen. Maybe a "Hi, yeah im doing well. Thanks" to the very opposite "Dont text me anymore. I have a BF now" or something of the nature...Well, I texted another message today (I KNOW AM and Navy please don't scold me I know I didn't listen)....and this said "I hope you're not mad. I've been really busy with things the past couple of weeks doing pretty well. I felt like a turd for not texting you back for awhile. Just wanted to say hi and see how things were going with you.".....again, no response. Now, I've been with her every single day for almost three years. She doesn't leave her phone behind. I KNOW she has got the two messages and chose to ignore them.

 

I shouldnt have done it and kept moving on....and this isnt a setback for me really (more neutral), but its eating away at me of why she isn't. I fed the ego boost she was wanting by texting back to those messages, but I thought there would at least be a response good or bad. EVEN when she was angry at me, she would text something back. There could be numerous reasons why she would not text back, and the ONE THING in the world I cannot stand is being ignored. I use to have a roommate who was awesome, but weird depressed....I KNOW he would be in his room, so I would text him an important question and HEAR his phone go off, only to read it, hear the phone shut, and go back to doing whatever. I HATE being ignored as do probably most people. She could be doing it to me since I ignored hers for two weeks....or she could have moved on....or be seeing someone else....or she could be busy....or she could (D,E,F,G etc etc)

[NavyAirTraffic]

Or she could be..... why torture yourself?!?

 

I'm not here to scold you (nobody is), we just tried to prevent what just happened. Honestly there is nothing wrong with what you did, having the "what ifs" answered helps some people. What if I text her again? She won't respond because of X reason. Knowing what the X (the reason) is doesn't make you feel any better, trust me because the equation always has the same answer.

 

X * (she doesn't want to be with you) = you aren't together

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Yeah, that makes sense. I've gotten a tad better tonight just kinda thinking about things a lot. It's a terrible feeling obviously, but it's been too long for me to be down. I don't understand why she would text, then I do it and ignores it..I don't get women. I think if I had something to look forward to.....Ive never had a breakup before and it's been awful. I know she checked out a while ago, but it just seems so easy for her. It doesn't matter anymore its just hard to understand.

[NavyAirTraffic]

This feeling sucks bro, it's the feeling of rejection or feeling not "good enough". What got me through this is telling myself that "not everyone is for everyone". There are a lot of women out there who might be perfect, just not perfect for you. Another thing I did is immediately started putting myself out there (dating sites and going to bars). It made me start to feel "good enough" getting attention from other women.

 

I don't know if that's solid advice, but you need to start building yourself up again. Regain the "value" you were getting from your relationship by yourself. As you start increasing your self worth (as high as you can get it) she we become "not good enough" in your eyes. This is also when they tend to come back, but you can't fake it.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Everything you said makes plenty of sense. I do need to gain a lot more self confidence...I honestly use to be very fun and full of life....since the breakup almost three months ago, I've been nothing close to myself. It really sucks actually. She ended up texting back this morning just saying "No I'm not mad. I just got a new phone this morning. I'm glad.you.are doing well." Doesn't really matter though I didnt say anything else there really isn't a point anymore.

[frederickkk]

No! She said she's not in love with you, you cannot do anything to make her love you again. Only she can discover that on her own.

 

Keep this in mind.... when she left you there was a huge weight lifted off her shoulders, she hated talking to you, hated texting you, it felt amazing getting you out of her life. That might sound harsh, but if our exes really loved us would they ever let go of us? No, because you still love her and still can't let her go.

 

That's what people truly in love do, they stay and try to work, they don't let you go. People in love won't take the chance of losing the ones they love.

 

this is a good point. when i had mixed messages in late october, she wont let go. she will try and work. and she hasnt taken the chance yet.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey guys whats going on. Minor update....so nothing has really happened in terms of my ex and I, but very small text converstations after NC are starting to take place. No breadcrumbs like "I miss you" or whatever, just some casual text. NC was broken by me (dumb I know) a week ago and she replied on tuesday. So I was not too pleased by it but whatever....said she got in her new phone on that day...whatever. So, I test the waters on Thursday with some casual texting and she answers right away and we joke around for like 4-5 text each and I cut the convo off when she texted last. Yesterday, I get a text from her in the morning talking about college graduation that she was at. Again, we small talk about nothing of importance, and again, I dont answer her last text. These really mean NOTHING in terms of getting back together at all, and even teetering the Friend Zone line (which I've made very clear I do not want that), but I feel her being a little more eager to text isn't a bad thing really.

 

Now, I don't know if she is with someone else or she needs an ego boost, but I am honestly not too worried about that currently. I'm very leary and not expecting a thing, but I'm unsure where to go from here. She broke up with ME so it's her duty to clarify that if she ever wanted to reconcile and I do understand that....I don't even know if that is on her radar currently after three months of not being together, I guess just not text anymore until she does? Maybe wait longer then every other day to text? I don't know any advice?

[aMguilts]

Hey guys whats going on. Minor update....so nothing has really happened in terms of my ex and I, but very small text converstations after NC are starting to take place. No breadcrumbs like "I miss you" or whatever, just some casual text. NC was broken by me (dumb I know) a week ago and she replied on tuesday. So I was not too pleased by it but whatever....said she got in her new phone on that day...whatever. So, I test the waters on Thursday with some casual texting and she answers right away and we joke around for like 4-5 text each and I cut the convo off when she texted last. Yesterday, I get a text from her in the morning talking about college graduation that she was at. Again, we small talk about nothing of importance, and again, I dont answer her last text. These really mean NOTHING in terms of getting back together at all, and even teetering the Friend Zone line (which I've made very clear I do not want that), but I feel her being a little more eager to text isn't a bad thing really.

 

Now, I don't know if she is with someone else or she needs an ego boost, but I am honestly not too worried about that currently. I'm very leary and not expecting a thing, but I'm unsure where to go from here. She broke up with ME so it's her duty to clarify that if she ever wanted to reconcile and I do understand that....I don't even know if that is on her radar currently after three months of not being together, I guess just not text anymore until she does? Maybe wait longer then every other day to text? I don't know any advice?

 

Don`t text her at ALL, even if she texts you.

What`s the point?

 

It`s not going anywhere, all it is doing is stopping you from moving on and finding someone that want`s to be with you.

 

Take her number out your phone now, remove her from facebook or whatever and go ans start living your life

 

aM

[sadbunnyy]

Yes.. there is something that you can do.

You can commit right now to at least 6 months NC. Then commit to another 6.

Have fun with your friends. Date. Meet other girls. Actually move on. Fall in love with someone new and let her do the same.

Bottom line. You are still both young. If she is the love of your life, you have to trust that she will be back one day, and in the meantime, get on with your own happiness.

 

 

I agree. You don't have to cling to what is truly meant for you. You can let go. It will stick around...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

have

Don`t text her at ALL, even if she texts you.

What`s the point?

 

It`s not going anywhere, all it is doing is stopping you from moving on and finding someone that want`s to be with you.

 

Take her number out your phone now, remove her from facebook or whatever and go ans start living your life

 

aM

 

Hey AM good to see when you respond to a message. I do agree with what you are saying and talking probably won't do anything. With all of that said, building some form of a connection again that's not bad is it? I don't want false hope and I'm not expecting to reconnect with this, and yes she broke up with me and going out partying every weekend and what not.....I just want to move things forward with us if there is ever a chance. I am actually going on dates with this girl I know and its good to get back out there but I still want this to work. I think she got really scared of life/future/etc and walked away, but I know it can be

[aMguilts]

have

 

Hey AM good to see when you respond to a message. I do agree with what you are saying and talking probably won't do anything. With all of that said, building some form of a connection again that's not bad is it? I don't want false hope and I'm not expecting to reconnect with this, and yes she broke up with me and going out partying every weekend and what not.....I just want to move things forward with us if there is ever a chance. I am actually going on dates with this girl I know and its good to get back out there but I still want this to work. I think she got really scared of life/future/etc and walked away, but I know it can be

 

hiya ConfusedHumanBeing

 

Again in bold.

What is the point on hanging onto someone that clearly doesn`t want to be with you?

Mate, it`s time to really let go. All the time you are hanging on, believe me, she will NOT want to be with you.

You are being clingy, needy, desperate. I think you want to keep contact just in case she changes her mind?

NO. it doesn`t work like that. She won`t change her mind. Get that in your head!!

You really want to get back with her??

Here`s what you do

You let her go.

It`s hard i know, but it`s not impossible.

Keep busy. Charge up your place where you live, move things around. Get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of her. If thats a too big of a step for you, just box it all up and keep it hidden. Out of sight.

 

As for dating? You aren`t ready, are you??

By all means go out with other girls. It will do you the world of good

But you need to get your ex out your head before you can actually `commit` to another and you just aint ready.

Go out, have some fun, be the man you were when you 1st met your ex, be that man again.

Forget about your ex.

 

From me to you... i know you can get through this, your doing ok. Again , take her number out your phone, block her on facebook or whatever.

She`s moved on.

You should too

 

Keep your chin up

 

aM

[movingon12]

Hey guys whats going on. Minor update....so nothing has really happened in terms of my ex and I, but very small text converstations after NC are starting to take place. No breadcrumbs like "I miss you" or whatever, just some casual text. NC was broken by me (dumb I know) a week ago and she replied on tuesday. So I was not too pleased by it but whatever....said she got in her new phone on that day...whatever. So, I test the waters on Thursday with some casual texting and she answers right away and we joke around for like 4-5 text each and I cut the convo off when she texted last. Yesterday, I get a text from her in the morning talking about college graduation that she was at. Again, we small talk about nothing of importance, and again, I dont answer her last text. These really mean NOTHING in terms of getting back together at all, and even teetering the Friend Zone line (which I've made very clear I do not want that), but I feel her being a little more eager to text isn't a bad thing really.

 

You're not teetering the Friend Zone line. You have arrived in the Friend Zone with a cement truck and are now busily constructing the first floor of the house you're going to move into there.

 

I assume you told her you didn't want to be friends? And then what do you do? You start sending her friendly texts. So, obviously, she's relieved, takes the guilt off her, shows the world she's not a bad person (because look! she's still friends with her ex!).

 

If you texted her and said 'hey I still love you, lets get back together' - you know what she'd say, don't you.

 

If you want to live in the friendzone, then carry on with what you're doing. But if you don't, you need to stop texting her so you can move on.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey guys thanks for the reply. I do agree with what you are saying.....I just wish I read it before tonight lol.

 

Okay so THIS happened. This makes me laugh how fickle/funny young women are. I decided to text her today asking her what she was going to be doing during her Christmas break and during Christmas. I knew fully well she doesn't have a car and it would probably be a tad depressing with no family around (I care too much. I'm a nice guy). She was saying yeah I'm not doing anything of importance and what not. I've known her for three years and the way she was texting, something seemed to be on her mind. I asked if she was okay she goes "yeah I guess." I said "well its not my issue or problem anymore, but you sound down." She goes yeah I'm just going through some stuff...and I asked if it was good or bad and she said IDK...

 

I asked her if it was another relationship type stuff and she goes I don't know again. She then goes its not really a relationship it's stupid and doesn't even know what it is. From knowing whats going on, I have a very solid idea who it is though she did not tell me obviously who it was. She was/is hanging out with a guy who is already in a relationship and has been for two years. I think she has a crush on him and probably mutual but I dont know hence the confusion....ANYWAYS, I said that yeah I have the same issue as well (There is a girl I have been going on dates with so its not a lie) and she goes wait what really?? And I said yes. She didnt text anything after that. So I waited an hour and said "What are you going to do about it" and she goes "I dont even know" and I said "Well I hope things work out" to which she replied "Me too. And yours too" and I dont know WHY I did this, but I said "It already has worked" and she goes "So you are in a relationship?" and I said yes.

 

She then got really angry. She was like "interesting" then "Well I hope you are happy" then quickly "It actually bothers me :/" I waited a while and asked why. And she goes "Well, you waited like ten months after your last long relationship and now this. IDK its just funny" and I came back with "You just said you wanted to date this new guy and its tech. only been a month" and she was like "I dont want to date him." HAHA WHAT?!? I said "You JUST said you hope things work out with this new guy meaning you want to date" and she goes "I don't want a relationship with him. Thats why I said IDK like 50 times :/" HAHAHA. She said "I don't know what it is I'm just saying. I just thought I was worth more than that." SHE broke up with ME and now saying how she feels disrespected!! I just said "Im at a party I'll have to text later.

She goes "Do whatever you want"

 

Hahahaha young women....AM I RIGHT??? I don't even know anymore, it's just funny to me how she left me and treated me like I was an outsider after our BU when I did nothing but care for her and now I'm the bad guy because I "moved on" when she told me to?

[Million.to.1]

So are you in a relationship or was that just a lie?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So are you in a relationship or was that just a lie?

 

I'm going on dates with this girl. Two actually. I've known her for a while. I don't think we are mutually exclusive, but I'm not going on any other dates nor is she. So to answer your question, no but with shades of grey.