Sometimes I'm just convinced I'm paranoid (LONG)

[Tshea]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years this January, but together for a total of 13.

 

When we were just newly married, we had some problems and I caught him on a dating site. He wasn't denying he was in a relationship, just looking for something on the side. I confronted him, he said he hadn't met anyone. We reconciled and moved on.

 

10 years into our relationship we welcomed our first child, which has put us into vey unknown territory with each other.

 

 

I suffered from PPD and to compound this issue I do not drive and we live in a community not readily accessible by public transit. I spent the better part of the first year and a half of our child's life at home, as I didn't have any friends and our family isn't that close.

 

This summer he started to become distant, our fighting increased, and his absences from home also increased. He travels for work, so when he started having more personal time away from home, I began to feel like he was never here. Friends that were visiting from out of town even noticed his detachment and desire to be away.

 

It all came to a head this fall when I suspected he was lying about something while on a personal trip, and snooped. I know I shouldn't have but my head just wouldn't leave it alone. I caught him in the lie, which was important but not an indication of infidelity by any means. He said he lied because he didn't want to fight with me or for me to get jealous. We had a huge fight, bigger then ever, in which the words separation were thrown about by him. I point blank asked him then if he was cheating and he said no.

 

We agreed to work at our relationship, set guidelines for how to deal with fighting and to control behaviours that cause problems for the other person. I asked him to changed passwords on things so I wouldn't be tempted to snoop.

 

His away time has improved. He only spends one night a week on sports, works out at the gym three times a week in the morning before work and will go into work for only a few hours on the weekend. During weekend work he will always respond to my texts quickly. He is home within the hour on week nights. I have made more effort in the bedroom (not that I mind), and we seem to have more nights "reconnecting" during the week then not. Which this all sounds great, right?

 

But he still lies to me. A flight out for work was later then he stated it was which puts him where for that extra hour? He was notoriously horrible with his mail, credit card receipts and papers in his car...now there is nothing around, ever. He has a work cell phone, so I have no access to records or even a password, but he is on it a lot. He has changed his underwear style in the last few months, after years of wearing the same type. He trimmed his chest hair, which he has never done, but said it was because I made comments about how much he had now. He is selective when telling me stories, often omitting names or being vague about details.

 

And I have this nagging feeling, like a lump in the pit of my stomach, just as I did when I first caught him 7 years ago. Although now, short of hiring a private investigator, I have no way of gaining proof either way.

 

Is he doing some of these things to protect me and stop me from worrying? Is he actually finding the time to be with someone else during his sports/gym/weekend work? Am I seeing signs of infidelity? Am I being paranoid?

 

I told him when we married, that if he ever fell out of love with me, to be a man and leave me before finding someone new. Respect the love we had even if its not there anymore. I hope he remembers.

[karacan]

Those could be signs of cheating but they could be signs of a million other things too. You have every right to be suspicious considering past incidents. Now with that in mind, keep an eye out. Ask lots of questions and keep track of his answers. Find out why he lied about the flight times. If you really feel that he is lying about being where he says he is, aka the gym etc.. Call the gym, not his cell, and see if he is truly there. If you find out that hes not then you know something is going on. Best of luck

[whichwayisup]

Hire a PI. this is the only way you'll know for sure. It sucks to have to do that but either way, the truth of what he's up to will come out.

[buckeyeblue]

Actually, I don't think that you are being paranoid at all. Many of the actions that you mentioned are classic signs of cheating. If I were you, I would go out to the gym the next time that he says he is working out and see if his car is in the parking lot. If it is, sit in your car (unseen) and wait to see if he comes out of the gym alone or if he gets dropped off by someone. Then follow him (unseen) home.

 

Also, for your own sanity, purchase a VAR and hide it in his car. Don't give any indication that you suspect something. You have got to know for sure or this will eat you up!!!

 

For your sake, I hope that your suspicions are wrong.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Why are you so reluctant to "snoop?" How is that bad? He has shown himself to be unworthy of trust. You need to protect yourself. You need to find out the truth for yourself and not rely upon a lier to give you what knowledge he deems you should know. My advice is to get whatever you information you can and just absorbe it. No need to tell him you know what you find out. Just know it and take action to protect yourself with this knowledge. Once you tell him you know, he will shut down your access to further knowledge.

[Tshea]

I thank you all for your quick responses and insight.

 

A further to my inability to drive. Unfortunately it is actually an intense fear for me. I have taken training courses several times, with no success of getting any closer to being a safe driver on the roads. Up until our child was born, this was never an issue. I took public transit where available and walked where it was not. I just cannot expect a toddler to sit in a stroller for the hour it takes to walk to the bus stop.

 

It was also never an issue to my husband. He dated me this way, proposed to me this way and married me this way. I do however see how this could be an additional burden now, but there were ever any illusions to the contrary.

 

Prior to staying home with our child I always worked, sometimes two jobs, and up until recently even made more money then he did.

 

I have recently made some local friends, and have actively made an effort to put less "pressure" on him for all my socialization. I have also asked that we seriously pursue selling our home and moving inner city so that I can actually participate in activities outside of the home.

[Ladydrib]

 

I told him when we married, that if he ever fell out of love with me, to be a man and leave me before finding someone new. Respect the love we had even if its not there anymore. I hope he remembers.

 

First thing, it's very easy to find the time to cheat. And the place. Trust me.

 

Second thing, if he wants to keep you and also wants to do whatever he's doing on the side, it doesn't matter what you tell him, he's going to do what he wants to do.

 

I'm sorry, I really am sorry for you. I hope you can find proof and find the strength to get out because you deserve better.

 

I have to say if you caught him when you first got married (and to be honest, your entire story) sounds as though he is in fact cheating.

 

What do you want to do if he is? Do you want to work through it and hope it won't happen again? Do you want to leave and find a better man? Figure out what you want.

 

Don't let him know you're suspicious. You are only helping him if you do. You have to stay several steps ahead of a cheater.

 

You were not wrong to snoop. You did not snoop out of nosiness. You snooped because he has been suspicious. You should snoop, but do not tell him anything or you are just helping him lie to you.