snilljente Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I'm so confused....my bf recently stopped responding to my attempts to make contact with him....this was after a week or so period when he had requested "space" due to personal issues....he is facing jail time.....after a few days of space (i.e. not seeing me, but me still messaging him encouraging messages).....there were three days in a row when he ended either a message or a phone call with "I will call you later"...on that third day I ran into him at the gym...obviously, I was super hurt seeing him there after hearing the I'll call you laters and feeling pushed away for days.....I lost it and told him that he was just playing me for a fool and that he was obviously not being honest and that he obviously wanted to break up, but was just using the space thing as an excuse...he said not true, that he really liked me...but did not want me to be upset and felt that his current situation was upsetting me...I said that the only thing that was upsetting was feeling pushed out of his life all of a sudden....he said he was just trying to get by, that his life was so up in the air, that he didn't want to get closer to me if he was just going to have to leave...since that night, he has not responded to me at all....everyone said that they could tell that he adored me...my dad thinks he's just trying to do me a favor by not getting me mixed up in the situation...I told my bf that I would see him through his jail time, support him and we could see what happened...i.e. if we worked out after he was done.....nothing back from him....it is killing me...we had talked about marriage..obviously this would have been down the road after his personal issues had been resolved...I am torn between no contact and keeping in touch with him periodically (i.e. a monthly card to let him know that I am thinking about him)...and then seeing if once he gets further down the road in his own process of trying to deal with all of his stress, he would be more open to a relationship....we really connected...we are in our 30s, both divorced, not young...What should I do.....I don't want him to forget about me, but I don't want to smother him...how much contact, if any, is enough....guys help me out here!!
uriel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Give him space right now. It's not only that he's trying to protect you, he's trying to take care of himself. He's going through a very tough time emotionally -- and feeling like he has to take care of your emotional needs too is too much for him. That's hard for you to understand because you see yourself as being ready, willing, and able to support him. Not this kind of guy -- he's the kind who takes care of himself. Avoid contact until his imprisonment is about to occur. Then contact him to let him know you're thinking of him. Tell him you'll keep in touch. When he's in jail, send him a care package once a month -- not just a letter (but include one too). Give him what simple pleasures you can. I don't know why he's going to jail, but I hope you've thought through what this means about his character and how he's living his life right now. Be sure you've thought through any continuing relationship with him, HEAD and heart. -- uriel
Author snilljente Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Thanks, I appreciate your input....I am on the same page with you about what is going on and how to deal with contacting him....I did react VERY emotionally at what I felt like was him abandonment...I am sure that this did not help matters.....I wish I could take it back, i.e. some of the angry hurt comments I had towards him about feeling abandoned, and just be supportive, but I have my emotional frailties too and I think he hit a nerve when he asked for space because it reminded me of my ex husband leaving.....I have given alot of thought about the jail thing....and I will have several more months to consider things while he is gone.....he signed the lease for a friend with bad credit and there was some illegal stuff going on there that he supposedly did not know about.....Trust me, I am a smart girl and will take all of this into consideration...he has not been in trouble before or after this event...but he feels terrible about it and it has caused him a great deal of stress and financial hardship. When I contact him before he leaves, I would like to mention what I have written above here about being sorry for my reaction being so emotional and knowing that it did not help, but just hoping that we can keep in touch while he is gone. What do you think?
uriel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Yes, I think emotional honesty is a good policy, especially when it lends an apology credibility. Just tell him you're sorry if you contributed to his burden -- you were blinded by your own needs for a moment ( I wouldn't go into the whole ex-husband thing, since that sounds like a plea for pity and gets the focus on your needs, which is what you're avoiding for now, when he can't handle it). As he faces this scary and humiliating process, I think he'll be grateful for some unconditional love and comfort. -- uriel
Author snilljente Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 He doesn't go to jail for another 2 1/2 months...part of me would like to make the apology now...then hold off on contact with for about a month and just keep it at monthly until I see what his reaction is going to be.....I feel strange not apologizing right now...I have sent some angry and hurt messages these last couple of weeks and I would like him to know that I am ok and that he can focus on himself and not worry about how I am doing.
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 If he's going to jail them I would distance myself from the relationship. I know it's heartless and probably more than a little prejudicial from my end, but thats what I would do. People have enough problems of their own to get caught up in someone else's s***hole.
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