mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 So I'm talking to this guy online (he looks so dreamy:o) and we've been messaging back and forth for like a week. He seems very normal and interesting and has asked me a lot of questions about me. Yet...he hasn't asked for a number or a date?? Why do some men do this? I don't get it. I can ask him for his number but I just find it awkward cause he really looks like a manly man and he is in his thirties so I don't think it's about him being shy. Any idea?
ThaWholigan Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Some men can be apprehensive about asking for a meetup too soon, I have been guilty of this in the past. He can just be gauging you, so waiting it out for a short time may be beneficial. I say give it another week, he might just sort out a date, or you could drop a hint rather than ask him out straight. I wouldn't read too much into it, I was the "message forever" type and it didn't mean I wasn't up for meeting, I just was apprehensive about asking for a meetup too soon, as that had gone against me before. I say be a little patient for a while . (Told you there were normal dudes online )
Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Honestly I get bored of emailing back and forth ad nauseum. Let's just meet and see what happens dagnabbit. One dude I thought was really funny just kept emailing and emailing without asking for my number, so I just never emailed him back after the last message. I felt like I was being too juggled. Another guy came along after him who was in hot pursuit (not to mention much better looking LOL) and we started emailing off the site nearly straight away and we're meeting on Sunday.
DC4 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 OOOH I have one of those. I just assume his pace is slower than mine is all. I mean who pays for a dating site to make internet friends? Sooner or later he'll ask me out or lose interest. I'm not too worried about it. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 He's testing the waters, enjoying the moment with you and likely other women at the same time. Also likely has something else going on or is busy, a lot of men realize that once the first date starts then the wheels start to spin so they time that for an "ideal" time, especially if multi-dating and sometimes otherwise they just wanted to see if they could talk to you and gain your interest for a confidence boost without the intention of putting in the effort of meeting you and taking you out. A lot of men just enjoy the attention. Sometimes they lack confidence, but if it's a good looking guy who seems like a "total package" type then he's probably fishing, taking his time, going for the women that may offer the easiest prospect (that insist on meeting and hooking up at their place, sexual advances/conversation), if he was looking for a relationship then he'd be way more aggressive so if a guy acts slow and a bit shady/resistant then he could have a gf/someone else he is seeing that thinks it's going somewhere, there's all kinds of possibilities but by now he would know if he wanted to meet and initiate something, but he's hesitating for a reason that could have nothing to do with you. Men that are good looking/desirable don't typically hesitate because they are shy, unsure or afraid because they are used to women showing interest and that they are available, so it's dating made easy...it's usually because they are weighing in and gauging their present options and you're not a priority. 2
ThaWholigan Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Honestly I get bored of emailing back and forth ad nauseum. Let's just meet and see what happens dagnabbit. One dude I thought was really funny just kept emailing and emailing without asking for my number, so I just never emailed him back after the last message. I felt like I was being too juggled. Another guy came along after him who was in hot pursuit (not to mention much better looking LOL) and we started emailing off the site nearly straight away and we're meeting on Sunday. It's possible (juggling). I was at a stage where I had been speaking to more than one girl online which made it difficult to transition to meetups because it was a pretty new problem for me at the time. Now I'm a little better at just asking to meet. But it still becomes a mission to gauge whether it's the right time. I like to meet ASAP. Quite a few women are still apprehensive and like to natter on before they meet up.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Oh and...If nothing happens within a few weeks with OLD then I'd recommend you cut your losses.
tigressA Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I would bring it up like "So how long does it take for you to meet someone in person?" and make it clear that you're interested in meeting without outright asking him if you don't want to do that. If he's sufficiently interested but is just waiting for some arbitrary length of time for whatever reason (in my case, it was distance), he'll definitely take the bait. 1
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Some men can be apprehensive about asking for a meetup too soon, I have been guilty of this in the past. He can just be gauging you, so waiting it out for a short time may be beneficial. I say give it another week, he might just sort out a date, or you could drop a hint rather than ask him out straight. I wouldn't read too much into it, I was the "message forever" type and it didn't mean I wasn't up for meeting, I just was apprehensive about asking for a meetup too soon, as that had gone against me before. I say be a little patient for a while . (Told you there were normal dudes online ) lol, I don't know I just really want to meet him! He has that look I've been very much into recently and has his life together. I find that when you message back and forth for so long, sometimes you just end up losing interest or messages get lost and you forget about each other. How bad is it if I ask for his number?
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 He's testing the waters, enjoying the moment with you and likely other women at the same time. Also likely has something else going on or is busy, a lot of men realize that once the first date starts then the wheels start to spin so they time that for an "ideal" time, especially if multi-dating and sometimes otherwise they just wanted to see if they could talk to you and gain your interest for a confidence boost without the intention of putting in the effort of meeting you and taking you out. A lot of men just enjoy the attention. Sometimes they lack confidence, but if it's a good looking guy who seems like a "total package" type then he's probably fishing, taking his time, going for the women that may offer the easiest prospect (that insist on meeting and hooking up at their place, sexual advances/conversation), if he was looking for a relationship then he'd be way more aggressive so if a guy acts slow and a bit shady/resistant then he could have a gf/someone else he is seeing that thinks it's going somewhere, there's all kinds of possibilities but by now he would know if he wanted to meet and initiate something, but he's hesitating for a reason that could have nothing to do with you. Men that are good looking/desirable don't typically hesitate because they are shy, unsure or afraid because they are used to women showing interest and that they are available, so it's dating made easy...it's usually because they are weighing in and gauging their present options and you're not a priority. What's weird about him is that he says in his profile he is not looking for any commitment which I guess might be the reason. However, he asks me questions that commitment minded men ask. He just asks about my days, job, family and interests, nothing sexual or shady. He is very polite compared to all the guys online and just hasn't shown any shady behavior so far. I went on OLD again just a couple of weeks ago. I can cut it lose but meeting men other than with old is not very easy for me due to my demanding job and busy friends/lifestyle.
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Did you message him first? No he messaged me first.
Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 You need to believe it ANY time a man says he isn't looking for commitment or claims to be emotionally unavailable. You don't have the magic vagina that will change that. If you're cool with a casual sitch where no feelings from you will be reciprocated then go for it.
DC4 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 You need to believe it ANY time a man says he isn't looking for commitment or claims to be emotionally unavailable. You don't have the magic vagina that will change that. Word. Another buzz word is "casual."
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 You need to believe it ANY time a man says he isn't looking for commitment or claims to be emotionally unavailable. You don't have the magic vagina that will change that. If you're cool with a casual sitch where no feelings from you will be reciprocated then go for it. Oh, trust me I am NOOT naive. The typical Ninja's posts about women's gullibility doesn't apply to me. I haven't made him a boyfriend in my head or anything like that but I do like to meet him, even if it is for casual dating because he seems like he has something to offer, look-wise and personality wise. There are hot dumb guys I can go for but I like this guy cause he doesn't seem like a dumbass jock.
ThaWholigan Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 lol, I don't know I just really want to meet him! He has that look I've been very much into recently and has his life together. I find that when you message back and forth for so long, sometimes you just end up losing interest or messages get lost and you forget about each other. How bad is it if I ask for his number? Not bad at all. Couple times I've had my number asked for and I've reciprocated. It does depend on the man, but sometimes you can be bold . Trust your gut. This guy says he's not looking for commitment - he might be polite but if you want to meet him, bear that in mind - then bump uglies for the hell of it I get the feeling that if you trust yourself to make a move, you will actually get what you want.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Oh I am terribly impatient, I ask them to meet within first 3-4 exchanges. That is when they message me first.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 What's weird about him is that he says in his profile he is not looking for any commitment which I guess might be the reason. However, he asks me questions that commitment minded men ask. He just asks about my days, job, family and interests, nothing sexual or shady. He is very polite compared to all the guys online and just hasn't shown any shady behavior so far. I went on OLD again just a couple of weeks ago. I can cut it lose but meeting men other than with old is not very easy for me due to my demanding job and busy friends/lifestyle. Doesn't matter, I was the same way. I didn't even know I acted like a "commitment" kind of guy because other men that were interested in sex just made it very clear, at the time i honestly didn't think women were interested in men that weren't looking for a commitment so if you told them ahead of time then they'd obviously take you seriously...but nope, learned the hard way on that one as a man, I kept finding myself in situations where women thought I was sending them commitment vibes because I actually treated them like a human being and cared, since I'm not this casual sex kind of person that sexes up people I don't know...It's just not my mind, but they didn't know that, and once I started asking questions and realized that I was a different kind of guy, and didn't fit the mold of what guys did and said when they just wanted sex...then I realized the only way not to mislead women was not talk to them at all because they'll take anything and run with it, especially if they become emotionally and I don't treat people like dirt or a walking a vagina so that I guess makes guys like me "special" to a small degree. So don't fall for it if you're looking for a relationship, he's not ready and he's telling you before hand...I did the same thing and every time it bit me in the @ss no matter how brutally honest I was, and then of course I was blamed for it...well at least initially, but not later. Some women I am sexual with in conversation, but most I was not, and I hardly ever made the first move into that area otherwise. I'm a sexual guy but I have remarkable control over it (due to extensive practice) and plus I don't just value sex alone, I value the emotional side of intimacy which only makes it more confusing for women. There....now don't tell anyone else I told you this! 4
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Doesn't matter, I was the same way. I didn't even know I acted like a "commitment" kind of guy because other men that were interested in sex just made it very clear, at the time i honestly didn't think women were interested in men that weren't looking for a commitment so if you told them ahead of time then they'd obviously take you seriously...but nope, learned the hard way on that one as a man, I kept finding myself in situations where women thought I was sending them commitment vibes because I actually treated them like a human being and cared, since I'm not this casual sex kind of person that sexes up people I don't know...It's just not my mind, but they didn't know that, and once I started asking questions and realized that I was a different kind of guy, and didn't fit the mold of what guys did and said when they just wanted sex...then I realized the only way not to mislead women was not talk to them at all because they'll take anything and run with it, especially if they become emotionally and I don't treat people like dirt or a walking a vagina so that I guess makes guys like me "special" to a small degree. So don't fall for it if you're looking for a relationship, he's not ready and he's telling you before hand...I did the same thing and every time it bit me in the @ss no matter how brutally honest I was, and then of course I was blamed for it...well at least initially, but not later. Some women I am sexual with in conversation, but most I was not, and I hardly ever made the first move into that area otherwise. I'm a sexual guy but I have remarkable control over it (due to extensive practice) and plus I don't just value sex alone, I value the emotional side of intimacy which only makes it more confusing for women. There....now don't tell anyone else I told you this! hahaha, that's true. We're so used to men treat women crappy and like sex objects that when one doesn't we get confused and believe he actually wants more. But as I stated before, I haven't made him a boyfriend in my head. But casually dating a stand up guy doesn't sound too bad right now. I certainly prefer it to the typical sleazy men I meet or a serious relationship with someone I'm not absolutely crazy about. Well, no matter how much control you have over your sexuality, there is not much you can do when I come over to California and kidnap you. (a female creep right here lol) 1
Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Doesn't matter, I was the same way. I didn't even know I acted like a "commitment" kind of guy because other men that were interested in sex just made it very clear, at the time i honestly didn't think women were interested in men that weren't looking for a commitment so if you told them ahead of time then they'd obviously take you seriously...but nope, learned the hard way on that one as a man, I kept finding myself in situations where women thought I was sending them commitment vibes because I actually treated them like a human being and cared, since I'm not this casual sex kind of person that sexes up people I don't know...It's just not my mind, but they didn't know that, and once I started asking questions and realized that I was a different kind of guy, and didn't fit the mold of what guys did and said when they just wanted sex...then I realized the only way not to mislead women was not talk to them at all because they'll take anything and run with it, especially if they become emotionally and I don't treat people like dirt or a walking a vagina so that I guess makes guys like me "special" to a small degree. So don't fall for it if you're looking for a relationship, he's not ready and he's telling you before hand...I did the same thing and every time it bit me in the @ss no matter how brutally honest I was, and then of course I was blamed for it...well at least initially, but not later. Some women I am sexual with in conversation, but most I was not, and I hardly ever made the first move into that area otherwise. I'm a sexual guy but I have remarkable control over it (due to extensive practice) and plus I don't just value sex alone, I value the emotional side of intimacy which only makes it more confusing for women. There....now don't tell anyone else I told you this! Are you my "ex"? He told me up front that he was emotionally unavailable, but then dated me all summer. He was incredibly affectionate, thoughtful, funny, spent my birthday with me and my friends, met my coworkers. Daily phone calls, good morning texts, staying up all night listening to music. He was becoming a big part of my life. Three months later when I asked if we were exclusive, he balked and said - "Look it's time we stopped lying to each other here." There was more to it than that but yeah, needless to say he left me pretty crushed.
It's Just Me Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Mesmerized, if his behaviour raises questions like this before you've even met, no good can come of it. Someone who is really into meeting does not make things drag on and on without a plan. Think about it. He's a timewaster. Flush him. I speak from experience. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 hahaha, that's true. We're so used to men treat women crappy and like sex objects that when one doesn't we get confused and believe he actually wants more. But as I stated before, I haven't made him a boyfriend in my head. But casually dating a stand up guy doesn't sound too bad right now. I certainly prefer it to the typical sleazy men I meet or a serious relationship with someone I'm not absolutely crazy about. Well, no matter how much control you have over your sexuality, there is not much you can do when I come over to California and kidnap you. (a female creep right here lol) Oh behave! You haven't made him your BF in your head.......yet! Are you my "ex"? He told me up front that he was emotionally unavailable, but then dated me all summer. He was incredibly affectionate, thoughtful, funny, spent my birthday with me and my friends, met my coworkers. Daily phone calls, good morning texts, staying up all night listening to music. He was becoming a big part of my life. Three months later when I asked if we were exclusive, he balked and said - "Look it's time we stopped lying to each other here." There was more to it than that but yeah, needless to say he left me pretty crushed. I shall plead the fifth my lady!
Author mesmerized Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Oh behave! You haven't made him your BF in your head.......yet! Hard to behave with dreamy latinos!(he is also a latino) True. I don't know. I don't want to not meet him just because I'm afraid of the possibility of wanting commitment at some point.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 This cool guy was e-mailing me right before I went out with the guy I'm seeing now, for a couple of weeks. I kept wondering why he didn't ask me out. Then he asked me out just days after my first date with bachelor #2. I don't multi-date, we'd already planned date #2, and I told him that. He said he understood, then rhapsodized about how he waited too long to ask me out, all's fair in love and war, and so on
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Hard to behave with dreamy latinos!(he is also a latino) True. I don't know. I don't want to not meet him just because I'm afraid of the possibility of wanting commitment at some point. Well be careful not to build him up either and make assumptions on what kind of man he is and the character or integrity he has before even really knowing him. I'm sure he's been a nice enough guy at this point, but It's easy to be a good guy over the internet, that stuff you're talking about doesn't take a lot of work and effort for a guy that does it naturally anyway, charisma and conversational skills can come without effort...and he can also only show the person what you want them to see and hide the other stuff. The internet is good for concealment. So either way don't get too ahead of yourself, If he knows what he's doing he can kick it into high gear at any point and start pulling you into to his shenanigans If he's looking to play that duality of good guy/bad guy. Just remember, you never know a man right away, no matter what the vibes feel like or how good or great he's coming off, that's the easy part. If anything, guys like me and If he's anything like me, can be very dangerous for women emotionally. I've hurt a lot of women with "good intentions".
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