Can a BS cause a WS to cheat?

[waterwoman]

flattened - you said earlier that you weren't really depressed, but from your last few posts it sounds to me as if you might be now. That feeling of being unable to do the things you need to do, the feeling of helplessness. You can get help with this. Have you thought of IC? Talking it all through with someone neutral would help - it helped me a lot

[BetrayedH]

I find that I all I can do now is say sorry to everyone. Pathetic as that is.

 

It's more than some people do.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

#1 This seems crazy for someone who cheated, but it really feels dishonest to me to go back to my wife after having loved someone else. I can't make any sense of it.

I just can't pretend (lie?) to my wife that everything is cool and I'm 100% committed to do what it takes to make it right. I just don't want to lie about anything. It's better to be alone than go there.

 

 

# 2 Affair ended in Aug. NC is impossible. I work with the person. We're all in one big space with cubes (hi-tech org). Had to work closely on a project through the fall. Bit of karma there, having to face someone everyday who clearly moved on without much trouble...

 

Right now I'd be happy for the earth to open and swallow me up.

 

 

I don't know how to do the cool multiple quote thing you did so I will do what I can - quote by numbers.

 

#1 I can understand this completely. I'm sure this is why my wife took a long time to really want to work with me and not just say the right things. I don't think you need to lie. But to pretend maybe. I mean have the right attitude and do what you can. Over time the rest will come. Hopefully. My favorite quote from Shakespeare goes something like this: Be careful what you pretend to be for you will become it. This can be used for good. Pretend to be the loving faithful repentant husband. Pretend to be totally in love with her. Strive to become it. Above all give yourself time. Don't expect anything to happen quickly. And be patient with one step forward and two steps back. It happens.

 

#2 If the OW really has fully moved on then it is probably ok that you still work with her. Not ok for your BS but probably safe. Unless the OW gets dumped or for any other reason the OW suddenly wants you back. That would be trouble.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Right now I'd be happy for the earth to open and swallow me up.

 

 

I forgot about this comment. Funny we are on opposite sides of this kind of event but I feel the same. I don't want anything like to be suddenly gone as you say but I think I'd be relieved if I found out I had inoperable cancer or something like that. I feel like even if I reconcile with my WW my life is never going to be good again.

[flattened]

I don't know how to do the cool multiple quote thing you did so I will do what I can - quote by numbers.

 

Just insert text like this: '['QUOTE] (without the '') at the start of what you want to quote, and

at the end. You can see that the software does it automatically for the whole post, and there's a button at the top of the editor too.

 

If the OW really has fully moved on then it is probably ok that you still work with her.

 

The biggest problem with it is that it's hard to put the emotions behind when there's still contact. I didn't properly understand the concept of NC in the beginning, but I see it now. You need the separation in order to properly detach and regain some semblance of balance in your emotions. It isn't really about whether my wife is ok with it or not, or whether the OW would want to start things up again. I guess this is why NC is the #1 thing that everyone insists on when the affair (or any relationship, really) is over. There's no healing without disconnection.

 

I think I'd be relieved if I found out I had inoperable cancer or something like that. I feel like even if I reconcile with my WW my life is never going to be good again.

 

If she's really a decent person, and if she loves you, it will be. My own feeling is that if I ever form a relationship with anyone again (including my wife), that person would be much safer with the "new" me. Because I know what happened in the past. And kind of how it happened. And how badly it made me feel. And how badly it's hurt everyone around me. It's kind of ironic that I would be much more trustworthy now that no-one is likely to trust me in a personal relationship.

 

flattened - you said earlier that you weren't really depressed, but from your last few posts it sounds to me as if you might be now.

 

Yes, I know I'm pretty depressed now. I am trying to get help. Posting stuff here helps a bit too. Thanks for everyone hearing me out politely.

[drifter777]

I feel like even if I reconcile with my WW my life is never going to be good again.

 

I don't think a cheating wife will necessarily ruin your life. If your wife shows true remorse and is willing to work hard re-establish your trust then you have a chance at reconciliation. If she is not completely committed to repairing the damage she has done and/or you are not willing to give her the chance to earn back your trust, then divorce her. Either way your life can be good again, but your marriage will never be the same and you will never see your wife in the same light again.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Flattened -

 

My wife says that she knows what she did was disguising degenerate behavior. I believe she means it. I see her in pain over what she did. But it is like you, pain for feeling like no one will trust her again. Pain and shame for the very real damage to the WS that results when the A is something the WS never did before and which was beneath their own moral code. Not all WS are in this situation.

 

I'm sure, like you, she still has feelings for her AP. And like you she says things like b/c I was so awful before the A that even though she sees what she did was off the charts bad, not helpful to fixing our M, etc., still, she can't think of the A without thinking of her anger towards me. Not that it justifies what she did but that it is preventing her from caring all that much about repairing the M.

 

You say your BS is doing nothing about your prior bad M. I'm not doing nothing. I'm in IC. I'm acknowledging issues we had. Talking about them with my wife. I quit drinking which was a problem for both of us. She has cut back but not quit drinking. She went to one IC session, last week. She won't go to MC till she says she has figured out for herself how she could have done what she did.

 

Quite often when I try to discuss the A she gets infuriated. Lashes out at me. I think she is full of suppressed anger and when I talk about the A her anger comes out. Not always but at times. Sometimes she expresses regret and strong desire to be able to stay married. And is willing to talk about the A with me. But other times she says she feels I am using this to hurt her. That we've talked about it enough. That we should be talking about the other things that went wrong over the last 14 years now and stop talking about the A. I know the BS's will say she is doing this b/c she is not remorseful. This allows her to not work on repairing the damage caused by her bad behavior. I don't think that is entirely true.

 

I think, justifiably or not, she is angry that our bad M "caused" her or influenced her to go to a very dark place which she would not have otherwise sunk to. Now she is damaged, marked with a scarlet A for the rest of her life. Not me. Just her. And yet since she blames me in part for this damage to her, she is resentful that I got off without any of that black mark sticking to me.

 

But that just makes me feel like she is not getting how much this hurt me. She doesn't have to deal with all the feelings that come from knowing your partner loved (loves) someone else. Had sex with them. I didn't do that. That would be enough right there. But on top of that, her black mark does affect me. Having to accept her as my wife after what she did is a black mark on me. I'm the loyal husband of a WW. I feel like what is wrong with me that I'm willing to do that?

 

I know the BS's here will say drop kick her to the curb. Why not? She is truly remorseful for herself at least. She is NC with her AP. She now recently showing remorse for me and always showed love towards me. I look at things she wrote me and recall things we did together even during the A, I see she must have still loved me then too. I hope in time she will see the need for and will want to help me with my pain, more than she does now. I hope that in time I can think less about the A. Maybe that won't happen. Maybe she is planning another exit affair right now. I don't think so and want to give it time.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Regardless of what else happens, you've got to put your foot down immediately when she starts any "lashing out" nonsense or tries to call any of the shots. Stop being her punching bag.

 

You have to have the guts to tell her to shut the hell up and just listen if you need to vent about what she did or anything else.

 

She "gets infuriated" at you? Her "anger comes out"?

 

Next time she does that just look her square in the eye and say "Shut your mouth you bitch or just maybe the next time you do it I will lose MY temper and accidentally knock you on your ass."

 

That should shut her up. I bet you never said anything like that to her and probably quiver like a little jelly fish just at fantasizing about saying it to her.

 

But she needs to hear it from you.

 

Oh, no. It would probably be better if I were as you think I am. I'm no punching bag. When she gets angry, I do too. I'm almost never harsh with her about what she has done. I just don't feel it in me. I feel sorry for her mostly. But when she gets like this with me, it gets ugly. Things quickly snowball out of control. She says something outrageous. I try to top that. Back and forth.

 

Now that I say this I guess maybe I'm suppressing my anger too. Since it seems to be fully there when she shows me hers.

 

Later I regret saying what I've said. Some of it not even true. I mean we each say things just to hurt the others feelings. None of it is helpful. And we do it loudly. Kids in the house. Ugh. That is why I say I'm not trying to reconcile for the kids. Its obvious they would be better if we just ended it.

[nofool4u]

The problem that I see here is your WW just doesn't respect you, which may be part of the reason she thought she could get away with cheating on you.

 

Regardless of what else happens, you've got to put your foot down immediately when she starts any "lashing out" nonsense or tries to call any of the shots. Stop being her punching bag.

 

You have to have the guts to tell her to shut the hell up and just listen if you need to vent about what she did or anything else.

 

She "gets infuriated" at you? Her "anger comes out"?

 

Next time she does that just look her square in the eye and say "Shut your mouth you bitch or just maybe the next time you do it I will lose MY temper and accidentally knock you on your ass."

 

That should shut her up. I bet you never said anything like that to her and probably quiver like a little jelly fish just at fantasizing about saying it to her.

 

But she needs to hear it from you.

 

While I agree with the sentiment, he needs to leave any kind of language out about physical violence. That can be used against him, even if its just words.

 

But he does need to fire back at her and tell her to shut her wh0re mouth.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

But he does need to fire back at her and tell her to shut her wh0re mouth.

 

Agree. And I do. In spades.