How to deal with my brother?

[juliet1989]

Here's my situation.

I am 23 years old and my older brother, Chris, is 36. He has a fiance and two beautiful children, a 1 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. My brother and I don't get along on many fundamental levels. Chris has been very successful in his career and makes very good money. But along with that, he has a very high level stress job that puts him into very miserable moods and he projects that towards his family. He values money as the essence of all happiness (a very common chrisism is "if it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense"). He is very generous when it comes to giving money to his family, but he will never let you forget it and make you feel like a loser about it. He has serious unresolved anger issues and is completely intolerant of criticism. Pretty much, you can't ever argue with him about anything. He's a know it all and constantly puts people down. Something I am not cool with.

I'll give you a bit of family history without dragging on too much. My father was a drug addict for many years and has been clean for 3 years now. My mother is a great woman but was a complete enabler for my father for over 30 years until they divorced 4 years ago, essentially putting my father's needs above her kids (no malice there, I've made amends with that fact). Chris had to step up and be a financial support for my mother for a couple years while my dad was in prison. Also, I live with my father now and him and I are currently paying my way through college. I have forgiven and moved on. So has my younger brother and older sister, and although Chris said he did, he actually hasn't. He harbors great resentment towards both my parents and combine that with his high stress level job, he's becoming a very miserable man.

I have never liked my brother but put up with him because I love my niece and nephew, but the tipping point came in September at one of our Sunday dinners at Chris's house. Pretty much, my two brothers were having a debate about something stupid, when Chris started berating my younger brother unnecassarily, and my dad stepped up to tell Chris to lay off of him. Chris took that as a personal affront from my father and next thing you know, Chris threw a punch at my dad and all hell broke loose. Punches, yelling, curse words, people crying, all IN FRONT OF MY NIECE AND NEPHEW! I finally got every one out of the house, not before I told Chris to go f**k himself, and I called him a bad dad,and that all the money in the world couldn't make him happy.

Bottom line is that I don't want or need my brother in my life. I don't have any special attachment to him( he was off to college by the time I was 5 years old) and I don't believe in surrounding yourself with people that don't make you feel good about yourself. My problem is my niece and nephew. I love them dearly and want to be a part of their lives. I have been back to my brother's a few times and I have to bite my tongue constantly because he's such a jerk-off, but I don't say anything too sparkful because I know at any moment Chris could cut me out of his kid's lives.

What the hell should I do?

[umirano]

Good thing you're trying to stay in your niece's and nephew's lives. Continue with that, they might need you one day. For this, try to keep things quiet with your brother. Even your brother may need you some day. Show all of them that you're there.

 

Is there a way you could talk to your brother? Or write to him? I am sure he realizes too that he has issues and is driving people away from him. If he does, there's a tiny possibility that he could start working on his aggression.

 

Can you imagine ever reconciling with your brother?

[juliet1989]

Hey umirano, thanks for the advice.

 

I've thought about talking to my brother one on one about it but I truly don't feel like he would listen to a word I'd have to say. He would tell me that I'm being naive and standing up for a drug addict, even though my father's been clean for 3 years. So no, I've avoided doing that.

 

I got into a fight with my other brother and sister last night about it too. Chris is "allowing" my father to see the kids on Christmas, but only if my father calls and apologizes. Apologize for what though I have no idea, considering Chris is the one with the problem with my dad. My other siblings just tell me to let it go, but I can't agree with something I feel like is wrong. Chris is using the kids as pawns and it's not right. I'm sure my dad will do it just so he can see the kids, which is what I would do, but it still kills me that my whole family just doesn't see this as a problem.

 

I love Chris very much and yes, down the road if he's able to talk to me without aggression or anger I would def reconcile. But Lord knows how long that will take.

[KathyM]

I think it's helpful to understand where your brother is coming from. You both came from a highly dysfunctional family with parents who were inept, and that has certainly taken its toll on your brother and your siblings. Chris, as the oldest child, probably had to take on a lot more responsibility for the family at an early age, and I'm sure that has built up a lot of resentment by him from being put in that position. Especially after your father went to prison and he had to support your mother. I would say you should give him a little slack, understand the difficult position he has been placed in all his life with your family, and you should try to be a peacemaker with him and get along with him as best you can. Stay a part of his children's lives and be a support system to him and his family, rather than trying to get involved in his confrontations with your parents.

[Nightsky]

Your brother is very understandably a screwed up person. Your father the drug addict has probably done a lot of things you don't even know about or understand. It must have been a lot of stress on your brother to take care of your mother the way he did financially. Must have also been hard on him to be abused the way he was by your father the drug addict and your mother the enabler.

 

It's really rude you called your brother a bad father. Your father is the bad father.

 

Your brother shouldn't have punched him no matter what your father said but it's obvious he feels a lot of stress.

 

You seem to understand he's under a lot of stress and you two may never get a long. I think you add fuel to the fire when you go to see him and throw out personal insults. Also you may have forgiven your father but even if your brother does forgive him that doesn't mean he has to have a relationship with him.

[juliet1989]

Hey guys.

 

Kathy- You're right, it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes. I try to understand what's going on emotionally in his head but I just can't because he's a man that hardly ever shows emotion. It's hard for me to not get involved with him and my parents because we have the same parents and it inevitably has made a riff in the family. I know he's angry and for good reasons, but I feel like he needs to get help for it or it's just gonna get worse.

 

Nightsky- My father's addiction and my mother's enabling was hard on ALL of us kids. Not taking anything away from Chris's pain or stress, but it effected all of us in different ways. My younger brother had a mental breakdown and I had severe depression and anxiety through out my teenage years. I think the biggest difference is that we've all, with the exception of Chris, have been in individual therapy to cope with it.

 

I do regret calling Chris a bad father. You're right, it was ****ty and I didn't mean it but I was so angry at the time. He also had hurled a few insults my way that day too, which I didn't mention because I'm sure he didn't mean them either, he was just reacting to my words.

 

My biggest problem was how quickly his anger led to physical confrontation. It was scary. And he was scary. And how he lost control in front of the kids. He doesn't get that way often, but when he does it's nuts. Shouldn't my family admit that he has anger problems and ask him to get help for it?

[umirano]

First of all you should admit to your brother that you called him a bad father without justification. Lead by example. He may start to feel bad for things he did.

And I'd really urge you to have this one on one talk with him one day. Show him that you love him, explain to him what bothers you in a calm way. Especially prepare yourself for him getting mad again. But give him at least the chance to understand where you're coming from.

Maybe he needs a few days to digest what you have to tell him. So you could write it down for him, say in an e-mail. And you'd tell him that you're writing him because you think it's easier to communicate about this difficult subject as you are not face to face. And you'd also tell him that you are writing this e-mail because you want to start improving your relationship.

 

good luck!

[juliet1989]

Yeah I'm def gonna try and talk to him about it and just prepare myself for however he reacts. And I'll try to see his point of view as much as I can. Thanks for your help!

[Radu]

First of all you should admit to your brother that you called him a bad father without justification. Lead by example. He may start to feel bad for things he did.

And I'd really urge you to have this one on one talk with him one day. Show him that you love him, explain to him what bothers you in a calm way. Especially prepare yourself for him getting mad again. But give him at least the chance to understand where you're coming from.

Maybe he needs a few days to digest what you have to tell him. So you could write it down for him, say in an e-mail. And you'd tell him that you're writing him because you think it's easier to communicate about this difficult subject as you are not face to face. And you'd also tell him that you are writing this e-mail because you want to start improving your relationship.

 

good luck!

 

I'm sorry but you are delusional.

 

If what the OP described actually transcribed, than he is a bad father.

 

Yes, they all come from a dysfunctional family, with a man that has only recently started getting his **** together.

Yes, his anger and resentment towards the OP's father is quite understandable.

However, he is an adult, and he is spiralling on the same dark path that his own father has gone down on.

Except that in this case it is anger problems and not drugs, either way the kids are exposed to a very unhealthy element in their lives.

Untill he starts feeling some repercusions for his actions he will not change OP, no matter what he will do.

Eventually he will spiral into hitting the wife which will become an enabler and even the kids.

He may even turn to alcohol and substance abuse to cope with the stress [i've seen it happen in my own family].

 

And the cycle will perpetuate itself.

 

This whole problem is one that needs to be solved by putting the OP's parents and him in a single room, locked for a few months so that they can work out their differences.

 

Unfortunately OP i feel for those kids because i have also had my fair share of the mentality 'as long as i put food on the table, you have no right to complain'.

[juliet1989]

Hey Radu. Thanks for you thoughts. I was starting to think maybe I was just being irrational for a second.

 

Yes! His anger is a problem and I just can't believe that my family condones it just as "Chris blowin off smoke" or "he's just really stressed at work". I just don't get it. But because he has money and he provides for his family very well than he just gets a free pass.

 

This anger just isn't reserved for my family. He also has had bad confrontations with his inlaws that led to screaming and crying as well.

 

My Brother is not a monster by any means. He helps people whenever he can. But I fear for his health and how his anger is going to effect his kids. He just seriously needs to talk to someone about it but he won't even consider it because therapy is for "crazy" people, or so he says. The worst part is that I just don't think he's happy a lot of the time.

 

I don't know, it just sucks and all I want to do is see my niece and nephew. I hate this rift between my family and hopefully when my dad sees my brother and the kids on Christmas they will have a serious talk about things. Or maybe another fight, who knows but I hope not.

[umirano]

I'm sorry but you are delusional.

 

Thanks. Good to know you can't state an opinion without resorting to personal attacks.

 

If what the OP described actually transcribed, than he is a bad father.

 

Yes, they all come from a dysfunctional family, with a man that has only recently started getting his **** together.

Yes, his anger and resentment towards the OP's father is quite understandable.

However, he is an adult, and he is spiralling on the same dark path that his own father has gone down on.

Except that in this case it is anger problems and not drugs, either way the kids are exposed to a very unhealthy element in their lives.

Untill he starts feeling some repercusions for his actions he will not change OP, no matter what he will do.

Eventually he will spiral into hitting the wife which will become an enabler and even the kids.

He may even turn to alcohol and substance abuse to cope with the stress [i've seen it happen in my own family].

 

And the cycle will perpetuate itself.

 

This whole problem is one that needs to be solved by putting the OP's parents and him in a single room, locked for a few months so that they can work out their differences.

 

Unfortunately OP i feel for those kids because i have also had my fair share of the mentality 'as long as i put food on the table, you have no right to complain'.

 

Radu, you just repeated yourself, stated the obvious and added in a few speculations as to the OP's brother's violence problems. And you failed to see the approach I was suggesting. Of course the OP's brother lacks self control and manners to the greatest possible extent. Does it help her to shower her with pity?

 

OP, of course you can walk away and ignore this problem. And wait for the next escalation, and, likely be isolated from your nephews and nieces. I'll stand by what I said.

 

Trying to talk to him and making him see that you're making a genuine effort to reconcile only has an upside risk.

 

All the best

[Million.to.1]

Apart from the family history and age difference, my brother is JUST LIKE YOURS!

Geeze.. reading the first few sentences when you were describing him.. Nail, head.

My brothers problem is me though.. not my parents.

 

He doesn't have children, Thank God... I feel for you in this situation as i wouldn't know what to do either...

 

I have tried to keep an amicable relationship with my brother for the sake of my parents for the last 15 years, but enough has to be enough. I've decided to long longer participate in a relationship of any kind with him. It has been a huge drain on me trying to maintain something civil with him, but he is so negative, conservative and judgmental, I just can't handle it anymore.

 

You are going to have to be the one to make the effort to reconcile with him though if you want to have a relationship with those kids. Try to focus on that as your goal when communicating with your brother, and don't get side tracked with personal differences, things in the past you cannot change or anything that will lead to disagreements between you.

You are going to have to be the bigger person here by extending the olive branch. Remember your goal is not to change him or make him understand your point of view... it's just to maintain contact so you can see your niece and nephew. You may have to bite your tongue and let him be all bitter and twisted about your dad without getting involved in that, and that might be hard, but it's not your battle.

[Radu]

Thanks. Good to know you can't state an opinion without resorting to personal attacks.

 

Sorry about that, what i meant to say was that the attitude was delusional and it won't have some form of effect on the OP's brother.

 

---

 

OP, at one point he will self-destruct.

Best you can do is be there to help him when that happens.

 

A while back i was thinking about something like this.

We [men] are conditioned as little boys and even later in life to have anger as the only emotion that we can clearly show.

We channel everything else in this, to release pressure, stress, whatever.

He obviously has a lot of stress in his life and i suspect that he's at a point where his anger is feeding on itself, it self-perpetuates untill it is removed by situation/natural occurences [sleeping, ordered to stay way ... etc].

Most likely he got this from his dad, as a reaction to how he was.

[juliet1989]

Hey all. Merry Christmas.

 

So my dad went over to Chris's house for Christmas and everything went fine. No fights or words, everything is just swept under the rug yet again. That is until the next fight occurs, whenever that might be. It sucks but I don't think I want to confront my brother about it now and start more drama. I won't feed into or accept my brother's negativity or anger but I feel like at this point it's a losing battle.

 

Radu- I agree that men aren't socially allowed to show certain emotions, and anger is one that is acceptable. I know my brother has unresolved issues and that it has effected him tremendously, I just wish he would acknowledge this and get help for it. I also think that if we confronted him as a family about it he would be possibly be more open to the idea, but sadly my family doesn't.

 

Million- So you also know what it feels like to not have any emotional attachment to a sibling. It's a weird feeling that you can be from the same blood and parents and be raised in (relatively) the same environment but not connect with your brother or sister at all. Yeah I definitely just need to focus on my main goal which is to keep seeing and being apart of my niece and nephew's lives.