Is it ever possible to really reconcile?

[frozensprouts]

no offense but it sounds like your husband either has some mental health issues ( comes in the door and starts waving 'it' around, or just lays in be for hours and hours doing nothing else but just waiting for you to come and have sex with him...that sounds kind of strange) or there's something else going on...you say he had problems with alcohol in the past...has he ever shown any signs of other mental health issues? was he like this before, or is this new behavior for him? was he like this while he was cheating? what was he like when you first got together and got married?

 

( before anyone gets riled up at me, it's not just the sex that's making me ask that...it sound like this guy has had some issues in his past that the two of them never fully dealt with...wondering of that could be what is going on here...has resentment built up between them?)

 

as for reconciling...yes, it is possible, but it isn't for everyone. some people just are better off apart, an some are better off together. Take your time to decide what you want to do. Attend counseling together and also individually...if you do decide that you're going to reconcile, it can be a long, but very rewarding road....but again, it's not for everyone...you'll need to be evry open and honest with each other, and also be able to listen to some things about yourself that you may not like...do you feel you can do so?

[coffeebean201]

Sorry you are going through this.

Hugs.

[screwedovertwenty]

no offense but it sounds like your husband either has some mental health issues ( comes in the door and starts waving 'it' around, or just lays in be for hours and hours doing nothing else but just waiting for you to come and have sex with him...that sounds kind of strange) or there's something else going on...you say he had problems with alcohol in the past...has he ever shown any signs of other mental health issues? was he like this before, or is this new behavior for him? was he like this while he was cheating? what was he like when you first got together and got married?

 

( before anyone gets riled up at me, it's not just the sex that's making me ask that...it sound like this guy has had some issues in his past that the two of them never fully dealt with...wondering of that could be what is going on here...has resentment built up between them?)

 

as for reconciling...yes, it is possible, but it isn't for everyone. some people just are better off apart, an some are better off together. Take your time to decide what you want to do. Attend counseling together and also individually...if you do decide that you're going to reconcile, it can be a long, but very rewarding road....but again, it's not for everyone...you'll need to be evry open and honest with each other, and also be able to listen to some things about yourself that you may not like...do you feel you can do so?

 

It got that way around six years ago after I discovered the card from the other woman. It was different before. He was there for me when I needed him. We talked and shared things. When his job burned down, I nolonger knew the people he worked with. He stopped sharing with me.

 

I have been resentful for him not remembering my birthdays or doing anything to make me feel like I matter to him for so long. With each year, the resentment grows.

 

Maybe I was wrong to think there was any hope at all. Maybe he just doesn't love me. Maybe that is the answer that I am looking for. What I did, I do not know. I wish he could just tell me what went so wrong.

[CantgetoveritNY]

What I did, I do not know. I wish he could just tell me what went so wrong.

 

Could it be that the time is up? It has run its course for him? Nothing is wrong per se. He is just not one to be in a long term relationship? Some people are like that. Grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Nothing that you did. Nothing wrong with you. Other than that you did not see he was that kind of person.

[BetrayedH]

Could it be that the time is up? It has run its course for him? Nothing is wrong per se. He is just not one to be in a long term relationship? Some people are like that. Grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Nothing that you did. Nothing wrong with you. Other than that you did not see he was that kind of person.

 

Agreed. Whatever the case, it's unlikely that you did (or could have done) anything. Cheating occurs because something is broken within the cheater and probably has been for some time.

 

I was a good husband and a good father. I was thrown out like last week's trash. 18 months of studying this subject and it still doesn't make sense. You're not nearly the only one. Many of us were blindsided and ultimately you can't change the other person; you can only change how you respond.

[woinlove]

I don't think reconciling just for the children is a good idea and could leave you feeling much worse and even leave the children feeling worse. You say:

 

But it makes me so sad that the life I had two weeks ago is dead and gone.

 

This is completely understandable. You need to grieve the loss of trust and the love you thought you shared with your H. You've shared many years, raised a family together. That is not something you simply get over in a few weeks or months. Allow yourself time to feel all the feelings you have and to grieve your loss, but also think about yourself and your future and how to slowly but surely move to the happy future your deserve, while providing the best care you can for your children.

[screwedovertwenty]

Thank you for all the replies. I honestly don't have time tonight to ingest it all.

 

I do want to mention that he wasn't always a "bad" husband. He used to do sweet things for me. It's just been a really long time.

 

He is a good dad. He works a lot, so the kids mostly are around me. He does take off to go to some of their school events.

 

We are both laid back people who rarely raise our voices. People actually envied our marriage because we had been together so long and got along well and trusted each other.

[Spark1111]

how exhausted you must be, taking care of everyone else's needs with no one giving back to you.

 

While that is the nature of parenting, we certainly can expect more from our partner.

 

Now an infidelity to deal with too.

 

You have the right to decide NOT to decide anything until you are sure.

 

If you have been doing it all yourself for a long time, what exactly would change?

 

He will continue to be a good father. Your children will be ok as long as you treat each other with respect in front of them.

 

Only you can decide what you want for your future.

 

Whatever you are feeling, whatever resentments you are harboring, now is the time to tell him all of it....EXACTLY how you feel NOW.

[BetrayedH]

We are both laid back people who rarely raise our voices. People actually envied our marriage because we had been together so long and got along well and trusted each other.

 

This was also the case in my marriage. Pretty much everyone we knew would have said we were the best example of a good marriage. We hardly ever argued, maybe twice a year and we were over it by the next day. It's actually had quite an impact on other marriage within my family; they saw ours as so strong (while theirs are a constant struggle to get along) and so since ours failed, they feel much more vulnerable. There are still shock waves going thru my family as no one (including myself) knew my wife was unhappy. She was just too conflict-avoidant to even discuss it. Even after Dday, she acknowledged that her attempts were "softball" attempts. One example was that she started buying 2% milk in hopes that I would understand that I should lose some weight.

 

I would say that we made the mistake of being very child-centric. At the time she started her affair, our kids were 3 and 7. We both had FT jobs. Life was hectic to say the least and it wasn't much about "us." I think that's a pretty classic situation. I could certainly list other challenges in our marriage; everyone has them. The problem is that it doesn't justify having an affair because that is no solution whatsoever to the marital problems. You can own 50% of the marital problems but your wayward spouse gets to own 100% of the crappy decision to just take care of himself instead of taking care of the marriage.

[BetrayedH]

I have to add that perhaps OW/OM and WS don't understand that we BSs are typically pretty painfully aware of our shortcomings post Dday. I couldn't have felt more acutely aware of the fact that I was flat out rejected and deemed inadequate as a marital and sexual partner. My wife's affair crystallized every flaw. I could go on and on but the fact is that we blame ourselves plenty and that hurt doesn't stop for years.

 

What takes time is for our perception to mature. Given time, we realize that we all have imperfections and all could have done more in our marriages but we didn't deserve for our spouses to have an affair. They are just as flawed, yet we didn't make such a hurtful, selfish, and cowardly decision.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I agree with you although I think the language harsh. The denial factor is strong here. I'm not sure why many BS's are unwilling to take ownership of their part in the relationship. When someone says they were "blindsided" then that means they were an oblivious fool. That in and of itself is a problem. I know this place is largely a victim sympathy group, but true advice would be to look at yourself as well and your role in the relationship.

 

Holy Cow! I find this to be off the charts offensive. I agree with BetrayedH that when a BS is blind sided it is not avoidance that they were fools! It is evidence that they fully trusted their spouse in a normal loving way.

 

I often feel that, although we are trying to reconcile, that my wife is not remorseful enough about hurting me. She has lots of remorse but I see it mostly for herself. But recently I asked her what she thought about the time period when I knew she was talking to the OM but I did not know she was having an affair. I asked her point blank, did she think I should have been more suspicious? Did she think I should have insisted she stop talking to the OM? Coincidentally this conversation just happened yesterday. She got very choked up and stammered that no, she thought that I was being trusting. She acknowledged that we had developed over the years a great amount of trust between us and that she had exploited that to keep the affair hidden. She started crying uncontrollable. I could see and feel that she was genuinely remorseful for having used my trust to hurt me. For the first time since D day I felt really certain that she has remorse not just for herself but for me as well.

 

If she, the WS, does not think I was a fool, I don't think anyone has a right to say I was a fool for trusting her. And I certainly hope screwedovertwenty does not think she was a fool either.

[Mr. Lucky]

What takes time is for our perception to mature. Given time, we realize that we all have imperfections and all could have done more in our marriages but we didn't deserve for our spouses to have an affair. They are just as flawed, yet we didn't make such a hurtful, selfish, and cowardly decision.

Well put. I do think, if reconciliation is to be successful, a BS has to look at their pre-affair "imperfections" to improve the marriage going forward. That's very different than a WS or outsider using revisionist history post-affair to cite those flaws as a reason for infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Betrayed&Stayed]

What takes time is for our perception to mature. Given time, we realize that we all have imperfections and all could have done more in our marriages but we didn't deserve for our spouses to have an affair. They are just as flawed, yet we didn't make such a hurtful, selfish, and cowardly decision.

 

The way I see it is that my WW and I learned so much about our relationship post D-day through MC, IC, and self-reflection that would've never be recognized or let alone addressed if the A never happened. (We both greatly underestimated the influence of our family of origins.)

 

I'll won't say that the A made our marriage better, but I will say that we learned valuable lessons that came at a very steep price. I just wish that the price wasn't so painful.

[screwedovertwenty]

Again, thanks for all of the replies.

 

I finally made it back to work yesterday. After work I spent the evening driving him around and waiting for him to fix the alternator on his screwmobile.

 

After working today, I feel halfway normal again, and trying to get some perspective on my feelings.

 

Just for the record, his jail time was many years ago when the children were babies. Yes, I held everything together then and lied to the babies and told them Daddy was in school, not jail. During this time, I did not think he could do this to me if he loved me. I eventually learned that it was about the disease of alcoholism. Originally I only wanted the kids to have their father around. I let him stay for them, under the circumstances that he quit drinking. He did. As I stated earlier, our marriage improved. Had their been no kids, I would have been gone after the second dui.

 

I honestly do not know where I want this to end up. I do not want a husband who cannot show me that he loves me.

 

I went to the dr last week and got my std check and so far so good. I am waiting on more results and not sure when they will come in.

 

I have my counseling appointment next monday. He scheduled his for this Wednesday. I am giving him a list of marriage counselors for him to call tomorrow.

 

I am not telling the kids anything until we talk to the marriage couselor and figure out what is best.

 

In the mean time, I am just going to avoid him at all costs. When I see him, he makes me sick. He says he wants to make this work. I don't know if we can.

[jnel921]

My D-day was early October. My H was extremely remorseful and has been showing me since that he wants in when it comes to our Marriage. We have been going to MC and its going well. I still hurt but not as much as before. Our relationship has gotten better and we do more things together now than before. our communication has improved and we are working through everything.

 

I know it hurts. It would hurt a lot more if he wanted to leave, trust me I have been there. If he wants to try you should hear him out if you still have any hope and can find it somewhere in your heart to one day forgive.

[drifter777]

Again, thanks for all of the replies.

 

I finally made it back to work yesterday. After work I spent the evening driving him around and waiting for him to fix the alternator on his screwmobile.

 

After working today, I feel halfway normal again, and trying to get some perspective on my feelings.

 

Just for the record, his jail time was many years ago when the children were babies. Yes, I held everything together then and lied to the babies and told them Daddy was in school, not jail. During this time, I did not think he could do this to me if he loved me. I eventually learned that it was about the disease of alcoholism. Originally I only wanted the kids to have their father around. I let him stay for them, under the circumstances that he quit drinking. He did. As I stated earlier, our marriage improved. Had their been no kids, I would have been gone after the second dui.

 

I honestly do not know where I want this to end up. I do not want a husband who cannot show me that he loves me.

 

I went to the dr last week and got my std check and so far so good. I am waiting on more results and not sure when they will come in.

 

I have my counseling appointment next monday. He scheduled his for this Wednesday. I am giving him a list of marriage counselors for him to call tomorrow.

 

I am not telling the kids anything until we talk to the marriage couselor and figure out what is best.

 

In the mean time, I am just going to avoid him at all costs. When I see him, he makes me sick. He says he wants to make this work. I don't know if we can.

 

Believe it or not, I find this encouraging; even inspiring. I get so tired of reading posts by BS that reinforce their denial and refusal to acknowledge the tough road ahead. It might not feel like it right now, but you are taking real steps forward to prepare yourself for the painful work of reconciliation. If your husband is unable or unwilling to get on board quickly I think you will see it and have the strength to end your marriage. He has to want to make it up to you and earn back your love and trust or it's all a waste of time.

[screwedovertwenty]

My heart is telling me to stick it out.

 

I have been with him since I was twenty-three years old. He was supposed to be a one night stand to get over another guy. I wasn't looking to fall in love, just looking for a way out. I fell hard though, and so did he.

 

We have been through a lot together.

 

He has supported me with everything I have wanted to do. He understood my need to be involved with animal rescue and genuinely helped as much as he could when we fostered dogs and litters of puppies. He has helped me with my petsitting business when I could not get where I needed to be on time. We took care of our little old dog together for almost a year after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We reminised about the day we brought her home and how bad she was. When her time came, he was there with me and we said goodbye together.

 

He has let me down a lot of times, but I always knew he loved me. Things have not been good in a really long time. I have tried to figure out how to fix them, but I guess I just didn't do the right things.

 

Right now I don't know what I want. I want to have the man that I married back. But I don't know if I can live with what he did. I don't know if I can live with knowing that he gave up what we had so easily and for an entire year continued and continued until I had to figure it out. Then he lied and lied while my heart was shattering. Every day it got worse and worse.

 

I did think about ending it when the kids grew up, but that was only if it didn't get better. I was trying. Maybe I should have tried harder. I don't know.

 

I do know that even though I did not feel loved, I did not do anything to betray his trust. I am a waitress and I get hit on every single day. Young men, old men, men my age. I have received phone numbers and I kindly tell them thank you but I am married. I have had a few regular customers, knowing I am married, but still tried to get me to go out with them. I have had coworkers tell me I am crazy because "that guy has money!" I always tell them that I have never cheated on my husband, and I am not about to now.

 

I have been attracted to other men, and enjoyed the attention that they gave me but I never gave anyone the wrong idea and I never considered betraying my husbands trust, even if our marriage wasn't great. Usually the men that I find myself attracted to are very similar to my husband and they usually just remind me of the way things used to be with him.

 

My husband pursued this woman. He said that it was just sex and I believe that, mostly. He said he doesn't know why he did it, except that it made him feel young. I cannot grasp how someone could do this to someone that they genuinely loved.

[BetrayedH]

Take your time and take care of yourself.

 

One thought...

 

Your old marriage is dead. You are in love with the man you thought your husband was. It's not who he was. Now you must decide if the man in front of you is who you want to spend the rest of your life with in a new marriage. Not an easy decision. Acceptance is typically the last stage of grief. Give yourself time to get there.