Is it ever possible to really reconcile?

[screwedovertwenty]

I was completely blindsided last week when I found out that my husband was having an affair. I never in a million years would have expected that. It took a week to get down to the truth that they were doing it several times a week, sometimes in the car that he drives our kids to school in. He said he wants me back and he is sorry. I told him that he is going to live here for six more months and we will pretend everything is okay. I am going to get counseling to figure out how to live with the fact that my husband doesn't love me and he is going to get counseling to figure out why he thinks it's okay to date while he is married, and we are going to get counseling to figure out how to end this without ruining the kids.

 

I feel like I have been raped for the last year. I don't know if I can ever get over this. I don't know if I can ever let him touch me again. But it makes me so sad that the life I had two weeks ago is dead and gone.

[Balzac]

"....we will pretend everything is okay."

 

Uh say what? In what real world is that going to resolve your situation?

 

I'm sorry for your shocking reality. Painful as it is, your plan for therapy/counseling is your best approach. I applaud your willingness to do that.

Many wise and experienced folks here can share knowledge and we can all listen and support you. Vent away here! Your reality sucks.

[BetrayedH]

There are many people here that have successfully reconciled. If that is what you seek, I recommend you listen to them and ignore everyone else. Spark, Owl, Seren, Mercy, and Frozensprouts are a few. There are more. Rest assured that divorce can also be the best path. It can take a while to decide.

 

For what it's worth, it sounds like you've made some decent decisions so far. I'm also sorry for your pain as so many others have also lost the lives they once valued so much. At least you are not alone here.

[screwedovertwenty]

We are going to pretend for the kids. They would be as blindsided as I was to learn their father would do this.

 

He says he loves me and he wants me back but I worry that he really just wants the family, not neccessarily me.

 

Had I been enough, this would not have happened. Had I been someone he loved, he could not have done this.

 

He is the only man whom I have ever loved. I know I can do better. If there were no kids involved I would have been gone a long time ago.

[Balzac]

Your only task right now is to embrace and feel your pain.

You will need to be accountable for your personal contributions to the unsatisfying marriage but it stops there. He needs accountability for his contributions and bad decisions.

 

You've not mentioned the ages of your children.

 

The way past this pain is through it.

[screwedovertwenty]

The kids are twelve, fourteen and sixteen and are the best teenagers ever. The oldest is taking several college classes. My son is the middle child and is in ROTC. The youngest is very involved in activities at school. They all get good grades and are genuinely good kids.

 

I just don't want them to be ruined over this.

 

I also do not want to stick around if in a few years I am going to be all alone again.

 

I really do not want to go through any of this if I am going to be blamed for any of this. I did stop giving it up to him several times a week, when it felt like it was just about sex. I have been trying to bring the romance back, and he has been giving it all away.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really do not want to go through any of this if I am going to be blamed for any of this. I did stop giving it up to him several times a week, when it felt like it was just about sex. I have been trying to bring the romance back, and he has been giving it all away.

None of what you've posted would indicate that you had a very happy marriage before the affair. Add to that your justifiable anger over having been cheated on and the stress that comes post D-Day.

 

You intentions toward your kids are good but I can help but question how much you can really shelter them from the storm given their daily connection to the two of you and the history involved (I suspect they already sense and know more than you think). When do you start MC? Are you doing FC?

 

Some of this might be easier on you and the kids if you attempt reconciliation while separated. Getting your H out of the house may also clarify for him what he stands to lose.

 

Good luck with the process and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StormySeas]

I'm sorry, screwedovertwenty. I'm about three months into learning about my husband's affair and it still sucks. We have a 4 year old, so are in a slightly different position. Part of me wishes my 4 year old was 14 so he could know why we were living apart, versus the thought of divorcing and "for the good of the child" spending the next however many years giving the BS argument about how Mommy and Daddy still love him, but just don't love each other in the same way...at least it sounds like you've got some great, well adjusted and thoughtful teenagers who would probably be just fine going through a divorce. Plus would give you a lot of support and love knowing that their Dad totally f'ed up.

 

As many a wise person on here told me when I first started telling my story, take your time. Nothing needs to be decided today or this week. You can imagine today that you and your husband will never be intimate again. In a week, you might be on a totally different part of this roller coaster and you might have a wild passionate evening with him (apparently called hysterical bonding and super common). The next day, you can decide that you will never be intimate again. All of that is okay. You are going to have emotions related to this that you may have never felt before, or never felt with this intensity. Everything about life, people, what matters, etc. will be up for questioning and it is just an incredibly raw and painful experience.

 

You're right to get the help you need through individual counseling. I think you're also right to go to counseling together. No matter what you end up deciding, marriage counseling will be good for you. You will learn more about your husband, yourself and relationships that will be helpful in all of your relationships going forward. You will also learn that your marriage clearly wasn't perfect in your husband's eyes or wasn't enough for him in some way. That will hurt, but is key to your relationship if you decide you even want to try to move forward. Hopefully it won't feel like "blame"...many cheaters acknowledge their affairs had very little to do with their spouse and more with their personal flaws, so you just don't know what will come out.

 

I really am so sorry that you're going through this. Try to take lots of time for yourself -- with three teenagers, I can imagine you've got eight million activities to take care of and a household to run. Just try to step away to do things totally for you. Be more selfish than you've probably ever been. That will help you maintain some semblance of sanity.

[Decorative]

We are happily reconciled.

 

It took a lot of work, but my spouse has proven a million times over that he is worthy of it.

 

Your therapy plan is a good one - I also recommend reading Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, immediately.

 

None of this is your fault. He cheated because he has a problem- not you. Nothing you did could ever justify this. In fact- of you were the more giving partner in your marriage, it made him more likely to be the wayward spouse.

 

You can- if you choose, and he chooses- reconcile and be happy and connected. But try not to make any immediate decisions- and let yourself work through these emotions.

[BetrayedH]

You can each own half of the marital problems but he gets to own 100% of the decision to cheat. There were several other responsible decisions he could have made; he made the one that only took himself into account. No matter what happens, you should not be taking the blame. Fixing marital problems will be a part of reconciliation if you choose that route but right now they are secondary to figuring out how to deal with the nuke that he dropped on your family.

[screwedovertwenty]

Our marriage definitely needed work. I have felt unloved for many years now. We do not do anything together (except sex) unless I plan it. He has forgotten more of my birthdays than he has remembered. I started buying myself presents for Christmas a few years ago so the kids would not wonder why Mommy never got presents. He stopped telling me he loved me years ago, and I stopped too.

 

In the back of my head, I hoped something would happen, so that we could just end this and I could be happy on my own or with someone who could show me that he loved me. I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me. I did not even know if I did love him anymore. I must though, because otherwise this would not feel so unbarably bad.

 

Mr Lucky, what is FC? I have figured out what most of the other abreviations mean. Is there a list somewhere?

[silktricks]

Yes, it is certainly possible to really reconcile, but not by doing what you are proposing. You're going to "pretend everything is OK???" Really? And just how do you propose to do that?

 

The only way to reconcile is for each of you to be completely and utterly honest with yourselves and each other. Pretence doesn't fit into that picture. It's good to want to present a picture of unity for your kids, but they aren't stupid. It's better in the long run for them to see you dealing with issues honestly than it is for them to be protected from reality.

 

Anyway, reconciliation is absolutely possible, but it is VERY hard work and takes a fair amount of time. I wish you the best.

[analystfromhell]

Your kids are only going to be ruined if 'ignoring' what transpired causes you and your SO to exhibit tension in your relationship. Do you honestly believe the two of you will be able to act around the house 24/7 without the kids being any the wiser? While the relationship may have come as a shock to you, you found out didn't you? Your kids are around you EVERY DAY- they will know something is up in short order whether you tell them or not. I'd talk about it with a marriage counselor post haste but an honest disclosure and discussion between you and your husband and your kids is not going to do the damage- attempting to deceive them will.

 

Just one person's opinion but please consider this.

[Furious]

I was completely blindsided last week when I found out that my husband was having an affair. I never in a million years would have expected that. It took a week to get down to the truth that they were doing it several times a week, sometimes in the car that he drives our kids to school in. He said he wants me back and he is sorry. I told him that he is going to live here for six more months and we will pretend everything is okay. I am going to get counseling to figure out how to live with the fact that my husband doesn't love me and he is going to get counseling to figure out why he thinks it's okay to date while he is married, and we are going to get counseling to figure out how to end this without ruining the kids.

 

I feel like I have been raped for the last year. I don't know if I can ever get over this. I don't know if I can ever let him touch me again. But it makes me so sad that the life I had two weeks ago is dead and gone.

 

 

 

Reconciliation is a process that takes years to achieve. It truly depends on the WS's commitment to be honest with the betrayed spouse and just as importantly to be brutally honest with themselves as to the why they allowed themselves to cheat. It is a choice, and not a mistake or something that just happened.

 

 

On your end, you have the right to decide not to decide, you are in shock and now is not the right time to make any commitment to either divorce or reconcile. You need to take things one day a time, you need to listen and question and process everything, if something doesn't make sense look at what is not consistent and trust your gut.

 

 

You must try to take care of yourself, and hang on, the ride you're on will take you for a loop. Get individual counseling, get legal advice, get your ducks in order. Give yourself the tools to survive with or without him.

 

 

Be careful with choosing a MC, some do more damage than help. Also, I recommend you begin MC only until you are satisfied that there is marriage to save and you're confident your husband has given you all the truth you need from him. Very many WS's go into MC still lying and omitting the truth and that creates major setbacks.

 

 

Hang in there, you are stronger than you think!

[BetrayedH]

Our marriage definitely needed work. I have felt unloved for many years now. We do not do anything together (except sex) unless I plan it. He has forgotten more of my birthdays than he has remembered. I started buying myself presents for Christmas a few years ago so the kids would not wonder why Mommy never got presents. He stopped telling me he loved me years ago, and I stopped too.

 

In the back of my head, I hoped something would happen, so that we could just end this and I could be happy on my own or with someone who could show me that he loved me. I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me. I did not even know if I did love him anymore. I must though, because otherwise this would not feel so unbarably bad.

 

Mr Lucky, what is FC? I have figured out what most of the other abreviations mean. Is there a list somewhere?

 

It doesn't sound like you havr much of a foundation here. If I may ask, what would be your motivation for reconciling?

 

By the way, FC likely stands for family counseling.

[screwedovertwenty]

It's the occasional comments like these from BSs which makes me hesitate to dismiss points of view as expressed by sauron, robertZ, and yes even realist3, among others that come to mind.

 

The BS who views sex as something she "gives up" to her WS--a concession, not a mutually-desired benefit of marriage--is doing no favors to herself, her spouse, nor the marriage with that attitude.

 

It stopped being desirable for me when it stopped being about us. He would jerk off in the corner and ask me to watch if I wasn't in the mood.

[screwedovertwenty]

It actually sounds as if emotionally speaking you'd left the marriage years ago just as you husband seems to have, only now you're miffed at him because even though you wanted the marriage to end, you still took your husband for granted.

 

What would make you think he would never cheat on you in a million years (your words) when the marriage had already long since deteriorated to the point that neither of you told each other that you loved the other, and you as the wife clearly resented what you perceived as your husband's unreasonable and excessive sexual demands?

 

You don't think he picked up on your attitude? You as much say that you wanted the marriage to end. Other than personal integrity, what's your husband's investment in not cheating? You wanted the marriage to end, you admit that, but you're just unhappy with the way he chose to push that forward.

 

Getting cheated on is a devestating experience but why are you now talking about reconciling, at all, when you decided you wanted the marriage to end prior to his cheating? Is it now that you want him simply because his cheating, his desirability to some other female, increases his sex rank in your eyes?

 

It seems to me if you wanted to be done with it before he cheated, you should want to end the marriage even more so now that he's cheated on you.

 

But that's just me trying to be logical, what do I know.

 

I hate to say it but why do women so frequently seem to pull this kind of thing? It's only AFTER he cheats on you that suddenly you decide you want to fix the marriage? Why not BEFORE?

 

I just don't get it at all.

 

I believed he loved me. That is why I thought he would never do that.

 

I kept trying. I continued to buy him thoughtful presents, planned our anniversaries the last couple years to try to rekindle the spark. I wanted it to be better. I did not know how to make that happen. I did everything I could think of. I told him that he made it seem like it was just about sex.

[screwedovertwenty]

It doesn't sound like you havr much of a foundation here. If I may ask, what would be your motivation for reconciling?

 

By the way, FC likely stands for family counseling.

 

At this point, only the kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

By the way, FC likely stands for family counseling.

Yes. Sorry, we get so used to acronyms here that we barely speak English.

 

My point is that you're going to have to deal with kids at that age head on and immediately because, unlike a WS (Wandering Spouse ), you can't give them the cold shoulder while you wait for your blood pressure to return to normal. Like I said before, they're probably much more attuned and aware than you think. Family Counseling treats this like the whole "living unit" issue that it is. If your H is ever going to own his sh*t, he'll have to come to terms with the fact that he's injured them as well as you and, like you, they'll be angry at him for doing so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

At this point, only the kids.

 

I appreciate the honest response.

 

In my experience, reconciliation is incredibly difficult. It requires an incredibly remorseful wayward spouse and an incredibly forgiving betrayed spouse. Both partners have to do an immense amount of heavy lifting and it requires a lot of love as the foundation to make it. It's not for the faint of heart.

 

If you just stay for the children, what kind of example of a marriage will they see? Honestly, I think my wife and I did successfully hide the whole thing from our kids while we attempted to reconcile. They didn't have a clue; in fact, we were probably more affectionate than usual. But restoring our marriage was the focus for us and I can't imagine not really reconciling but keeping up those appearances for an extended time. Until when? Until they leave the house? Does that do them any real good or is it just a delay? Perhaps your six month plan will give you more clarity.

 

As for telling the kids, I encourage you to take your time on that decision. There was once a considerable debate here. I would say it was a fairly even split between those that say to be complete honest with your kids and those that protected them from their adult business. I won't try to influence you on it except to say that it is difficult to separate what would be best for you from what is best for your children. Think long and hard on it because you can't untell them once it is out there.

[NotCamelot]

screwedovertwenty:

 

First, I am really sorry for you are going through. I know how painful it is. Everything you are feeling is what most of us have also felt.

 

I am 7 months past d-day myself. We both wanted to reconcile......and we are. I can tell you, personally, if you BOTH want it, it can and will work.

 

It won't be easy. But don't make any "snap" decisions this early into your discovery. Don't do something you may regret later. Take the time to find out exactly where you need to end up.....then set the course for it.

 

Betrayal is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my 52 years. But you will recover......either with him or without him.

 

They are always sorry.........sometimes for real, and sometimes just because they got caught.

[silktricks]

I want to add:

 

Your kids almost undoubtedly know that something is sincerely wrong. Also, the two of you have taught your children that a marriage is not a very pleasant thing. So, in the interest of actually having honesty in the family, I am fervently of the opinion that kids need to be let in on the fact that there are problems. I do NOT, however, think that it is good for anyone to provide details. Mom and Dad are having problems is sufficient. Dad was screwing his mistress every way but Sunday is not beneficial to anyone.

[seren]

Me and H are 5 years on from D Day, H told me, the A was for 8 months, less in total time, but nevertheless an A however long.

Like you and like BS the world over, I never for one moment thought it would or could happen to us, we had been together for 22 years, we had the poster marriage and both loved the other with all that we had. Yet he still had an A. I didn't stop loving him because of the A, but I hated the A with all that I had.

 

To reconcile relied upon many things, the truth, the absolute, no matter how hard, how hurtful truth. All that I asked I had answered, some trickle truth, which means being drip fed what happened and is worse than having it all once so you can process it, yell at it and then have it stab you in the heart all in the one go. Then you need to decide to try to reconcile and that is no mean feat and a less than strong marriage will crumble. It means looking at why, what was so dammed wrong that the H allowed himself to cheat and what was wrong in the marriage (if there was) that you both lost each other, then owning it.

 

Forgiveness is a gift the BS gives themselves, hate is so not good, it eats you up. In my situation, the OW wasn't focused upon other than, who and why, the blame sat squarely on my H's shoulders. Trying to maintain a 'everything is normal' facade is impossible, you will either explode or implode if you try to hide it or bottle it up. I felt we had turned a corner around the 2 year point, in that I mean I stopped feeling sick, stopped thinking about it or them and we began to slowly knit together us.

 

Our son heard D Day as he came home early while I was mid explosion, hell half the world must have heard me. My first act was to say, your Dad still loves you and could do with a hug right now as he is afraid you will hate him. This has meant that their relationship continued and there was no question that while what H had done was wrong, he still loved our boy and was still his Dad and that the infidelity was our business. Children really aren't stupid, they will sense undercurrents and may fear you and their Dad are going to split up. They may understand better than you think, but only if there is a, this has happened and this is what we are doing.

 

Now, we are reconciled, of course I have never forgotten, I never will, neither will H. There have been times when it has been so dammed hard, but I never thought to leave, I knew that what we had was a once in a lifetime thing and I was dammed if I would walk away from a relationship that filled my life with such joy - of course not the A, but we have come through. If we didn't have such a strong relationship we could never have got through it, but you can, but be under no illusions, it is hard and requires work from both. I will look for your posts and answer if I can, others will have different experiences and opinions, but I only speak for myself. Ask if you need to know anything and take care, it's awful in the early days xx

[screwedovertwenty]

Our marriage has been through a lot.

 

We lived together for three years before we got married.

 

I married him, knowing he was an alcoholic. He was not abusive, actually more open and talkative when he drank.

 

I got pregnant right away and we had our first child before our first anniversary. I was pregnant again before our daughters first birthday. His drinking got worse. He was drinking at work every night. He got his first dui when I was seven months pregnant with our second child. He showed up drunk, with his drinking buddy, to the delivery room the night I had our son. I waited for him for two hours to drive twenty minutes. His second dui was on Valentines day when our son was three weeks old. I was already back at work trying to pay for the lawyer for the first dui. He was on his way to pick our babies up from his mothers when he got caught. The third dui came almost a year to the day after the first dui.

 

After the third dui, the jailtime began. He did two weeks the month of my son's first Christmas. He spent thirty days in February/March and another three weeks in May. During his time in jail, I worked two waitressing jobs and delivered 500 newspapers every morning from 3am-7am. I slept for two hours at a time. I had a very dear friend, who stayed with my kids when I was out and helped me get them to and from my mother in law's house an hour away.

 

At first, I only let him come back for the sake of the kids, and not being able to financially support myself and two babies. He proved himself through getting treatment, even if it was court ordered. He stopped drinking. Our marriage got better. I thought it was especially strong for what we had been through.

 

After he quit drinking, his sex drive exploded. We had always had a good sex life. I remember wondering at some point whether he had traded his alcohol addiction for sex addiction.

 

Our sex life continued to be good and active, several times a week for several years.

 

Then, in 2006, he told me that he wanted me to quit my job because he wanted me to not work so much. He wanted to get a second job. I loved my job and didn't want to quit, but I cut my hours back. My boss was mad and my hours began to diminish. Only about three months after he told me to quit my job, one of his jobs burned down and told me that I needed to get another job. I tried with no avail to get my hours back at the job I loved. I did look for other work and eventually he did too. He found something before I did and I was back to working dimished hours and taking care of the kids.

 

Then one day I found a card in the car that we shared from another woman. He told me that it was just harmless flirting. I went to the phone records and found a few short phone calls and a handful of texts. He was sorry. It was all just harmless flirting that got out of control. Nothing ever happened. He promised. I believed him.

 

Soon after that, our sex life changed. It became about his needs and not mine. He would come home from work and whip it out and wave it in front of me like it was a prize, without even saying hello. He once told me that he could not touch me without getting horny. He began wanting sex all the time. We were still doing it several times a week when he started making me watch him when I was tired or busy.

 

Within the last couple of years, it has become a chore for me. He doesn't give me time to want it. He comes home, takes a shower, gets in bed and waits for me to finish cleaning the house. He will wait hours. He doesn't speak to me during this time. He just waits.

 

I have a job. I work hard. I do absolutely everything around this house. I am the one who pays the bills and hauls the kids around and tries to instill good values in the children. I am the one who plans our vacations and holidays and anniversary's. I am the one who listens to the kids problems and their music and listens to their stories and answers their questions. I have no doubt in my mind that I could do it on my own. I have been, all along.

 

All he does is work. Yes, he works hard and he works long hours. I have felt guilty that he has been working so hard and I have to try to get myself in the mood. I have managed to do it once a week until the last couple of months.

 

I have tried to talk to him and tell him that he needs to get me in the mood and not just grab my crotch. I have told him that I need to feel loved.

 

Had he called me and asked me to come make love to him by the river in the middle of the afternoon, I would have been the happiest woman alive.

 

I loved him. I would have done anything to bring back the connection that we once had. I continued to try to get in the mood even though I did not feel loved.

 

I do not know what I could have done differently. That is why I am going to counseling. I don't know if I can ever let him touch me again. I don't know if he ever loved me. His memories are mixed up in a cloud of addiction.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no justification for your H's cheating. No set of circumstances in a marriage supports infidelity.

 

But your post speaks of reconciliation, not cheating. And in order to start that process, both partners have to own their part of the dysfunction that, based on your post, was prevalent in your relationship well before the affair.

 

You've painted your H as the exclusive bad guy in your M and the cause of all the problems. Broken relationships are rarely that black and white. If you do start MC, be prepared to take a hard look at your part in it...

 

Mr. Lucky