Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I haven't seen my ex in about 5 months. After our breakup at the end of July I went NC. He continued to "like" a bunch of stuff on my FB. I sent him an email about 10 weeks later, which was short and positive and just saying that I liked remembering all the fun we had over the summer. He responded very sweetly, 8 days later. I have since deactivated my FB and have been dating. Yesterday was his birthday and I remained silent. Next weekend our mutual friend will be celebrating his birthday and a big group of us are going out for it. Just thinking of seeing him again gives me some anxiety. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I guess I just want to know what to expect, if it will be awkward, if I'll get drunk and make a fool of myself, blah blah blah. I'm usually very composed and I don't anticipate any drama as neither of us are immature in that sense, but just want to prepare myself for "the first run-in with the ex."
KatZee Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) Honestly, why are you even going? I've felt that you're sort of on par here with myself and geegirl. The strong females of the LS world. You didn't wish him a happy birthday, there has been NC for 5 months, and this gathering is to celebrate HIM. So again, why are you going? It's his celebration, don't make it awkward. (Yes, it's going to be extremely awkward.) I get that you're mutual friends with people, but can't you go out with them when he's not around? This isn't a "run-in" at all. You're intentionally going to your ex's celebration. My opinion? Stay home. Edited December 7, 2012 by KatZee 1
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) No - this isn't for his birthday. It's for one of my best friends (his too). Their birthdays just happen to be within a week of each other's. I think they were planning a get-together for him as well, but that fell through. I would not have gone to that. Sorry - should have been more clear about that. Edited December 7, 2012 by Drseussgrrl
mammasita Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Why were you still friends with him on FB - that wasn't NC. My thought is that you shouldnt go. Im sure your mutual friend will understand.
KatZee Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 No - this isn't for his birthday. It's for one of my best friends (his too). Their birthdays just happen to be within a week of each other's. I think they were planning a get-together for him as well, but that fell through. I would not have gone to that. Sorry - should have been more clear about that. I dono, my opinion still remains the same. I wouldn't go. I'd take her out to lunch or something after the fact. Just to be thrust in a situation with him when you haven't seen or spoken to him in 5 months, I'd expect you'll probably have a rush of feelings come back that you didn't know were still there and that's just going to be a huge setback.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Honestly it would be really weird if I didn't go. I live with our friend's girlfriend and we're together a lot. Our group is really close and we're always doing fun stuff together - dinner clubs, bar crawls, etc. And I guess I don't want to make this about me. I've grown closer to our mutual friend over the past year than he is at this point. Bottom line is, I'm going and I don't want to sit out on fun things I would normally be doing with my group of friends just because he will be there.
cavalier99 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) Honestly it would be really weird if I didn't go. I live with our friend's girlfriend and we're together a lot. Our group is really close and we're always doing fun stuff together - dinner clubs, bar crawls, etc. And I guess I don't want to make this about me. I've grown closer to our mutual friend over the past year than he is at this point. Bottom line is, I'm going and I don't want to sit out on fun things I would normally be doing with my group of friends just because he will be there. I'm in DC area too. Where are you going? I want to see the fireworks are your friends cute? What am i thinking...g-d i wouldn't even present anyone to me right now plus you have access to all my posts lol Seriously id blow this thing off. Last minute emergency! (Maintaining your sanity) id say yes after a year but 5 months seems risky? Just my opinion..i mean hey you may not feel anything and it could help you. Good luck Edited December 7, 2012 by cavalier99
KatZee Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Honestly it would be really weird if I didn't go. I live with our friend's girlfriend and we're together a lot. Our group is really close and we're always doing fun stuff together - dinner clubs, bar crawls, etc. And I guess I don't want to make this about me. I've grown closer to our mutual friend over the past year than he is at this point. Bottom line is, I'm going and I don't want to sit out on fun things I would normally be doing with my group of friends just because he will be there. OK then. Just be aware you'll most likely have some sort of setback. And may not have all that much fun knowing he's right near you. And are you prepared to see a new girlfriend around and have to watch them makeout or do whatever it is you guys did? If you felt fine going, I'd agree with you and say go. But your first post says you don't even know if you're ready for it. That tells me, no. You're not ready for it. And in situations like this, you NEED to make it about you. But if you're dead set on being there, just be aware of what you're getting yourself into.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Trust me - I've thought about all this too. I'm hoping that I'll see him and realize that he wasn't all that. That's typically what happens with me. Another part of me thinks that if I don't go, it will just kind of suggest to everyone around me, and us, and him that I'm not over it and that's the last thing I want. People don't date within your social circle. Bottom line.
KatZee Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 People don't date within your social circle. Bottom line. Amen to that. I sat around and watched my now-ex's, ex-girlfriend continue to hang around since she was in the same social circle. I guess she did initially keep coming around to show that she "was over it" but it was painfully obvious to everyone that she wasn't, and eventually she just stopped coming and then I'd hear through the grapevine that she wanted everyone to choose her over her ex and I and that she was being left out of stuff... what a nightmare.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Yeah I can see that. But I was friends with my group before I even met him. He lives about 1.5 hours away so I met him randomly one weekend, and he continued to come up every weekend for the summer so we had a lot of alone time, in addition to spending time with our friends. Honestly, it was a blast. So, it's not like I keep "coming around". These were my friends before him, and continue to be after we stopped seeing each other, also.
KatZee Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Yeah I can see that. But I was friends with my group before I even met him. He lives about 1.5 hours away so I met him randomly one weekend, and he continued to come up every weekend for the summer so we had a lot of alone time, in addition to spending time with our friends. Honestly, it was a blast. So, it's not like I keep "coming around". These were my friends before him, and continue to be after we stopped seeing each other, also. Oh, so if they're your friends why is he still around, lmao. He's the one that should go find a new circle. I became friends with certain people in my ex's circle, I would never hang out with them again even though some still talk to me.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 He went to college with birthday dude. They've been friends for over 10 years. We met through him randomly one weekend when he was up for a horse race. I met the circle independent of him, a few years ago. I had always heard his name and seen him tagged in photos here and there but never thought much about it. So, he ain't going anywhere.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 In case you haven't figured it out yet, while my friends are amazing our circle tends to get a little incestuous. LOL We just have a lot of fun together and have this sort of chemistry, like we spew fun out wherever we go. haha
beyond Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Firstly, are you sure he is going? Have you asked the mutual friend? He may feel just as awkward as you and decide not to go. No, you don't 'have' to go. Any true friend would totally understand if you didn't feel comfortable going. To say this before the party would not make it all 'about you' as you state, but going and potentially getting upset while AT the party, would. Sorry D, but I'm just saying that you should recognise that you are saying that as an excuse as on some level you do want to see him (I've done it myself, so I understand!) Ok, so you want to go, you want on some level to see him and are telling yourself that you hope you will wonder what you ever saw in him. I said exactly the same thing about my ex, I met him and all the feelings totally flooded back - so be prepared. Oh, and book a slot on LS for straight after the party! xx 1
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Yeah I'm not denying any of what you all are saying. Not lying to myself in the slightest and not denying it either. I will say this - after we split, there was no drama. We didn't put our friends in the middle and I made sure not to make anyone uncomfortable by talking about it, or badly about him. I vented to my other girlfriends (not in our circle). I honestly highly doubt anything will happen to make me upset, or anyone else feel awkward. We're just not really like that. I know he's going because he RSVP'd to the evite that went out. He'll be coming up with the part of our group that lives in another city. On a brighter note - I have a date set up with a hot firefighter this weekend, who also has a golden retriever and we'll be getting together for a doggie play date. Stinkin' cute, huh?
beyond Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Ok, well sometimes you just have to do these things and learn from them! As for the 'doggie play date'.......I've seriously heard it all now:lmao:
Author Drseussgrrl Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 LOL - what? I have a golden too. We're going hiking with the dogs. Head and shoulders above "Hey meet me at Bar xyz and see what happens."
beyond Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Lol, sorry, it's just the American phrases on here sometimes make me laugh. Take no notice, i'm just a stuffy English girl! Sounds fun, and yes, beats meeting in a bar.....most things do. xx 1
cavalier99 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Lol, sorry, it's just the American phrases on here sometimes make me laugh. Take no notice, i'm just a stuffy English girl! Sounds fun, and yes, beats meeting in a bar.....most things do. xx I have Golden too. Weird. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I say f--k it, go. If they were your friends first, then you shouldn't let him dictate your relationship with them. I've interacted with my ex in person twice since we broke, both coming six weeks after the break. I had talked to her on text in the week before we were to hang out (her sister and husband -- my best friend -- were coming down to meet us for a prearranged weekend and her and I decided to go through with it instead of blowing up the plans) and it was going pretty well, she even invited me to an event which I couldn't go to. We hung out the first day -- went to a baseball game -- and she was cold, making pissy little comments and generally acting annoyed by most things I said or did. She'd occasionally break character and laugh and smile at me like she used to. I just acted like I normally would and didn't acknowledge her behavior at all (we had third row tickets behind home plate -- she could have stabbed me in the thigh with a salad fork and I wouldn't have cared ), which just made her more upset I think. After a day where my best friend and I had to work (we work for the same company) we hung out again and she was a lot more normal. She dropped the jilted, cold alien-ex-girlfriend act and was tolerable to hang out with. I talked to her a week later for her birthday via text and she gave me radio silence when I asked how she was celebrating. She did the radio silence thing after we broke and I was trying to get her back, so I decided to go NC then and haven't talked to her since (about 2.5 months I think). She's still my Facebook friend (only because it would cause more drama and annoyance to delete her right now), but I cut her out of my news feed and haven't visited her page since I last talked to her. If I were you, I would just go in with no expectations and don't be surprised at anything that happens. It sounds like there will be a lot of people there besides him that you can interact with, so you won't be sequestered with him like I was with mine. If you do get in a situation where you have to interact, be polite but short. Don't avoid, but don't hang around. And just be natural. It won't be as bad, heck, it might even be therapeutic.
suladas Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 I'd go, it might bring up some feelings but if you have mutual friends it's going to happen sooner or later. If he was bringing someone new, then i'd be hesitant to go, I know seeing my ex with someone new brought up a ton of feelings and hurt again. Overall though, it's not anywhere as bad as you'll think it will be, I had to see my ex 3 times in the first week alone and talk face to face, and see nearly everyday since. It's your head that makes it worse then it really is. And there is nothing better then seeing your ex and feeling nothing.
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