annabelle26 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) i have a problem. the problem is men just want me for sex. not that i take the bait 9/10 times. i have a good reputation, i dont sleep around. i am fairly pretty (not a supermodel or anything by any means) i dress conservatively even on nights out (ie jeans and not low cut tops but i do still try to dress nicely). im reasonably intelligent, im in college. i support myself financially. but EVERY guy seems to think i am easy/ will quite easily sleep with them. ive lost 5 male friendships because i said i was not interested in that way. guys with girlfriends come on to me all the time. i mean, im laid back and easy to talk to. i make a point of listening to people more than i talk. i just dont understand why this is happening. im not even a girls girl type of person. im not into shoes and handbags etc. i wear makeup but not alot of it. what am i doing wrong? i am so upset about this because i am very lonely. i just want to find a nice guy and settle down, but the only people i come across want to get me into bed. i mean, long standing friendships, people i meet in college. people ive met at events. i just dont understand. i vary where i meet people. i dont make it obvious i WANT a guy in my life. i dont talk about feelings. someone please help me. i genuinely feel like im losing hope. i hate being single but not as much as i hate being seen as a sex object 99 per cent of the time. i will just add that these guys vary in age/ looks. some are really good looking and others are really not. different personalities, the works. it doesnt seem to be just one type of guy. Edited December 7, 2012 by annabelle26
KathyM Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Perhaps you are being "too friendly" to these guys who already have girlfriends, and they are misinterpreting your friendliness for sexual interest. For guys who are already in a relationship, don't flirt with them. Don't be overly friendly with them. That can be perceived by them as interest in hooking up. For guys you have an interest in, just tell them that you don't do casual sex if they ask. Most guys will ask for it early on, but will respect you and consider you for more long term if you hold to your standards. 2
veggirl Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I agree with Kathy, if you are very friendly a guy will think you want to sleep with him. Plus you are in college, all college boys want sex asap, do you date older guys at all? how old are you? If you are like 20, try to date someone who is 25 and out of college. Don't waste your time trying to get a college guy to settle down, pretty low chance of that actually happening if the guy is any way desirable to other girls or into partying/college lifestyle. 1
Author annabelle26 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Perhaps you are being "too friendly" to these guys who already have girlfriends, and they are misinterpreting your friendliness for sexual interest. For guys who are already in a relationship, don't flirt with them. Don't be overly friendly with them. That can be perceived by them as interest in hooking up. For guys you have an interest in, just tell them that you don't do casual sex if they ask. Most guys will ask for it early on, but will respect you and consider you for more long term if you hold to your standards. the thing is, i dont know what flirting is. i mean im not stupid, i know what my idea of it is. but my personality is my personality. i treat guys the same way as i treat girls. i dont inappropriately touch them or make advances. i treat friends as friends. i have a good sense of humor but surely having a laugh with people isnt flirting. i have noticed guys tend to talk to me about their problems, but so do girls. i dont give advice, i just listen. i dont share my problems. i dont consider myself a sexy or sexual kind of person, i am probably quite awkward when it comes to that kind of stuff. I agree with Kathy, if you are very friendly a guy will think you want to sleep with him. Plus you are in college, all college boys want sex asap, do you date older guys at all? how old are you? If you are like 20, try to date someone who is 25 and out of college. Don't waste your time trying to get a college guy to settle down, pretty low chance of that actually happening if the guy is any way desirable to other girls or into partying/college lifestyle. yes i havee dated older guys, my friends have not been college guys, some were old school friends, some were neighbourhood friends, friends i met through other friends, that kind of thing. i know that college guys are after sex but the types that come on to me generally arent college guys. i am 26, so not typical "college" age, younger guys generally dont do it for me. but this has happened across all age groups, 22 yr olds, 25 yr olds, early to mid 30 somethings. i dont know what im doing. i really dont.
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 It doesn't matter in this era of life(or any?), whether you're Flirty or not. Guys just see women as a sex object. It's sad and true. Rarely you find a descent person. I am not one to talk so.
Author annabelle26 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 It doesn't matter in this era of life(or any?), whether you're Flirty or not. Guys just see women as a sex object. It's sad and true. Rarely you find a descent person. I am not one to talk so. really? my girlfriends all seem to find guys that want to stick around, for a few months at least. ivee had one serious relationship that lasted 5 years. i was persistently harassed in the workplace even though i am 100% faithful in relationships. surely all guys cant just be thnkiing of sex all the time? dont you want to have a future with someone??
FitChick Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Do you have large breasts? Seriously. My friend in college sounded like you but she said guys were drawn to her just because of her chest measurement.
Shaun-Dro Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 i have a problem. the problem is men just want me for sex. not that i take the bait 9/10 times. i have a good reputation, i dont sleep around. i am fairly pretty (not a supermodel or anything by any means) i dress conservatively even on nights out (ie jeans and not low cut tops but i do still try to dress nicely). im reasonably intelligent, im in college. i support myself financially. but EVERY guy seems to think i am easy/ will quite easily sleep with them. ive lost 5 male friendships because i said i was not interested in that way. guys with girlfriends come on to me all the time. i mean, im laid back and easy to talk to. i make a point of listening to people more than i talk. i just dont understand why this is happening. im not even a girls girl type of person. im not into shoes and handbags etc. i wear makeup but not alot of it. what am i doing wrong? i am so upset about this because i am very lonely. i just want to find a nice guy and settle down, but the only people i come across want to get me into bed. i mean, long standing friendships, people i meet in college. people ive met at events. i just dont understand. i vary where i meet people. i dont make it obvious i WANT a guy in my life. i dont talk about feelings. someone please help me. i genuinely feel like im losing hope. i hate being single but not as much as i hate being seen as a sex object 99 per cent of the time. i will just add that these guys vary in age/ looks. some are really good looking and others are really not. different personalities, the works. it doesnt seem to be just one type of guy. You've made a thread like this before, or someone who sounded like you and it's the same whine: why can't I find a nice guy that'll like me for me? Why don't you go out and seek the man you want instead of being another typical fearful woman, always waiting for us to make the approach?
Author annabelle26 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Do you have large breasts? Seriously. My friend in college sounded like you but she said guys were drawn to her just because of her chest measurement. nope. 34c. about average. im slim. You've made a thread like this before, or someone who sounded like you and it's the same whine: why can't I find a nice guy that'll like me for me? Why don't you go out and seek the man you want instead of being another typical fearful woman, always waiting for us to make the approach? i dont think i have actually. and you guys seem to take the "omg she is so needy/ desperate" highground if you are approached. seriously, this guy was absolutely fine until I asked HIM out. then he freaked. everythings fine as long as the guy is in control. pathetic.
KathyM Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 the thing is, i dont know what flirting is. i mean im not stupid, i know what my idea of it is. but my personality is my personality. i treat guys the same way as i treat girls. i dont inappropriately touch them or make advances. i treat friends as friends. i have a good sense of humor but surely having a laugh with people isnt flirting. i have noticed guys tend to talk to me about their problems, but so do girls. i dont give advice, i just listen. i dont share my problems. i dont consider myself a sexy or sexual kind of person, i am probably quite awkward when it comes to that kind of stuff. You are probably giving off a flirtatious vibe with them and don't realize it. If you are joking around with them, they will sometimes perceive that as flirting. And if you show a taken guy too much attention, he'll perceive that as flirting also, even if that wasn't your intent. I'd suggest you tone it down with people you are not interested in dating, or people who are in a relationship.
Author annabelle26 Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 You are probably giving off a flirtatious vibe with them and don't realize it. If you are joking around with them, they will sometimes perceive that as flirting. And if you show a taken guy too much attention, he'll perceive that as flirting also, even if that wasn't your intent. I'd suggest you tone it down with people you are not interested in dating, or people who are in a relationship. so i guess i just have to be more cold/ standoffish with people.. 1
KathyM Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 so i guess i just have to be more cold/ standoffish with people.. No, not cold or standoffish. Be friendly to people, but for guys who are taken, limit your conversations, joking, etc., or otherwise they will get the idea you are interested in them. As for the available guys, just tell them early on that you're not interested in casual sex if they ask you for it.
pbjbear Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Annabelle I have the same problem. We live in a world of absolute hedonism and if you are youngish and attractive men will think of you mostly in terms of sex...just the way it is. I have a goofy personality and will joke with anyone willing to listen to me. Doesnt mean Im going to change my personality so men can stop thinking of me that way. Men tend to overestimate signs of interest in women anyway 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) It's really about boundaries...you're not really making your boundaries clear when men are making advances, you take them innocently enough and let them advance without realizing it...in their mind they are being aggressive, getting to know you and intend on making a move. Your friendly demeanor or relaxed attitude towards people can give off inviting vibes to men. They might take them as you are someone easy to talk to, someone who is non-threatening and men love hitting on women that are approachable and nice enough. You don't need to be a supermodel to get this kind of attention from men, in fact it's almost the opposite, if you were gorgeous would probably be too intimidated to talk to you, but since you're not this materialistic looking girl that seems high maintenance guys think "ok, she's kind of in my league here...I can approach that"...so the supermodel women actually can get hit on a lot less because men don't have the confidence, but with you they get to build an in and a relationship with you that is at first just "friendly" then they can follow that up with some timed aggressiveness which they seem to be misinterpreting your interest level. So you need to look at yourself and be aware of what you are doing that might give men the impression you are open, interested and available. You need to learn how to recognize advances or interest, either turning off or away at that point in a friendly or courteous manner without stirring the pot and just showing that man that "look, I'm not interested in you...I was just being friendly but now I'm on my way"...you likely let men get way too close without any kind of resistance where they believe you are interested in them...you've got to be able to walk away and cut it off when men are making gestures to show interest, you clearly don't seem to recognize them...and yes even though you're doing nothing "wrong" from your perspective doesn't mean you aren't sending out the wrong vibes, this comes with self-awareness, men can do this too and have to change it up as well, it's not just a gender thing although more likely to be women of course. Ask friends if they can tell anything but really ask men, if you're having this much a problem then they're reading you as approachable if not waiting with open arms which is obviously unintentional. I'm the opposite, I always assume a woman is just being nice or friendly and never overestimate interest, and yet I typically find out they were. Edited December 7, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Kimbra Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 i have a problem. the problem is men just want me for sex. not that i take the bait 9/10 times. i have a good reputation, i dont sleep around. i am fairly pretty (not a supermodel or anything by any means) i dress conservatively even on nights out (ie jeans and not low cut tops but i do still try to dress nicely). im reasonably intelligent, im in college. i support myself financially. but EVERY guy seems to think i am easy/ will quite easily sleep with them. ive lost 5 male friendships because i said i was not interested in that way. guys with girlfriends come on to me all the time. i mean, im laid back and easy to talk to. i make a point of listening to people more than i talk. i just dont understand why this is happening. im not even a girls girl type of person. im not into shoes and handbags etc. i wear makeup but not alot of it. what am i doing wrong? i am so upset about this because i am very lonely. i just want to find a nice guy and settle down, but the only people i come across want to get me into bed. i mean, long standing friendships, people i meet in college. people ive met at events. i just dont understand. i vary where i meet people. i dont make it obvious i WANT a guy in my life. i dont talk about feelings. someone please help me. i genuinely feel like im losing hope. i hate being single but not as much as i hate being seen as a sex object 99 per cent of the time. i will just add that these guys vary in age/ looks. some are really good looking and others are really not. different personalities, the works. it doesnt seem to be just one type of guy. Understand exactly how you are feeling. I am in the same boat! 1
Shaun-Dro Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 nope. 34c. about average. im slim. i dont think i have actually. and you guys seem to take the "omg she is so needy/ desperate" highground if you are approached. seriously, this guy was absolutely fine until I asked HIM out. then he freaked. everythings fine as long as the guy is in control. pathetic. This is completely false. No one's asking you to ask anyone out, but making the first move as in trying to have a light conversation and dropping hints is what most guys look for. We need to see the green light in order to go forward. Out of all the women I've messed around with, I've gotten green lights and of course there were some that wouldn't give any signals. I would ignore them and then they'll run back to throw signals after that. Pathetic. You, Annabelle, just need to focus on merely dropping hints on the men that you're interested in. Let us do the asking out. You can do it too, but since it isn't even boding well, just lay back a little and don't do it. I'm also starting to think that maybe you give off a slightly clingy vibe after a while and this usually turns us off.
Shaun-Dro Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Yes, it would appear today's so-called males are a bunch of pansies. They don't want to approach women, they don't want to buy them dinner, and they expect sex on the first date, too. Dream on. No wonder they're all single and whining here on LoveShack. The ones who AREN'T pansies are out enjoying themselves on dates. I'm far from a pansy. I nail women whenever I damn well please. I just dont take **** from them and I dont chase them either, because I've yet to meet a woman who's proven to me that she's worth more than a lay, which I can get anywhere. Until then, I will continue to do what I'm doing, but it won't stop me from giving useful advice on here.
charlietheginger Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I know a girl that had this problem I told her to stop going to bars and stop Drinking problem solved.... She now goes to sports bars plays pool Darts no drinking and puts off the vibe Of im here to socialize and enjoyment Rather then." Im in a bar im tipsey take me Home vibe" 1
dasein Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Agree with charlie, if your social life is all nightlife and revolves around parties, try to blend in some daytime activities to meet different types of people. I wish I had done this more in college. Maybe try concerts, art exhibits, clubs that aren't party clubs, lots of possibilities on a campus. If you are already doing all these things, don't know what to tell you.
Author annabelle26 Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 It's really about boundaries...you're not really making your boundaries clear when men are making advances, you take them innocently enough and let them advance without realizing it...in their mind they are being aggressive, getting to know you and intend on making a move. Your friendly demeanor or relaxed attitude towards people can give off inviting vibes to men. They might take them as you are someone easy to talk to, someone who is non-threatening and men love hitting on women that are approachable and nice enough. You don't need to be a supermodel to get this kind of attention from men, in fact it's almost the opposite, if you were gorgeous would probably be too intimidated to talk to you, but since you're not this materialistic looking girl that seems high maintenance guys think "ok, she's kind of in my league here...I can approach that"...so the supermodel women actually can get hit on a lot less because men don't have the confidence, but with you they get to build an in and a relationship with you that is at first just "friendly" then they can follow that up with some timed aggressiveness which they seem to be misinterpreting your interest level. So you need to look at yourself and be aware of what you are doing that might give men the impression you are open, interested and available. You need to learn how to recognize advances or interest, either turning off or away at that point in a friendly or courteous manner without stirring the pot and just showing that man that "look, I'm not interested in you...I was just being friendly but now I'm on my way"...you likely let men get way too close without any kind of resistance where they believe you are interested in them...you've got to be able to walk away and cut it off when men are making gestures to show interest, you clearly don't seem to recognize them...and yes even though you're doing nothing "wrong" from your perspective doesn't mean you aren't sending out the wrong vibes, this comes with self-awareness, men can do this too and have to change it up as well, it's not just a gender thing although more likely to be women of course. Ask friends if they can tell anything but really ask men, if you're having this much a problem then they're reading you as approachable if not waiting with open arms which is obviously unintentional. I'm the opposite, I always assume a woman is just being nice or friendly and never overestimate interest, and yet I typically find out they were. thank you so much for this answer. seriously. this is really helpful. i appreciate your insight This is completely false. No one's asking you to ask anyone out, but making the first move as in trying to have a light conversation and dropping hints is what most guys look for. We need to see the green light in order to go forward. Out of all the women I've messed around with, I've gotten green lights and of course there were some that wouldn't give any signals. I would ignore them and then they'll run back to throw signals after that. Pathetic. You, Annabelle, just need to focus on merely dropping hints on the men that you're interested in. Let us do the asking out. You can do it too, but since it isn't even boding well, just lay back a little and don't do it. I'm also starting to think that maybe you give off a slightly clingy vibe after a while and this usually turns us off. im not clingy, ive been called out on not acting interested enough before now. even though i was. i just dont like treading this minefield of what girls can and cannot do. I know a girl that had this problem I told her to stop going to bars and stop Drinking problem solved.... She now goes to sports bars plays pool Darts no drinking and puts off the vibe Of im here to socialize and enjoyment Rather then." Im in a bar im tipsey take me Home vibe" you need to learn to read, i dont just hang out in bars. i never once said that.
pbjbear Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 I'm far from a pansy. I nail women whenever I damn well please. I just dont take **** from them and I dont chase them either, because I've yet to meet a woman who's proven to me that she's worth more than a lay, which I can get anywhere. Until then, I will continue to do what I'm doing, but it won't stop me from giving useful advice on here. I wonder what kind of crowd you hang around...or if your standards are too high
mesmerized Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 I wonder what kind of crowd you hang around...or if your standards are too high He is the one guy you do NOT want to listen to. Just ignore his "useful advice". Op, I highly doubt you are doing anything wrong. Most men nowadays are just sleazy and all about sex and don't know how to treat women. Its not you, its them.
pbjbear Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 I am astounded by the fact that most women would take the bait If a guy is taking you home after a few hours after meeting him at a bar, imagine how many other women he has done that with...yuck. Youre just a sex toy by that point
pbjbear Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 most women don't take the bait, but 10 or 15 percent may, and the number is bound to be higher for the most attractive men. its down at zero for a fat bald man like me though, but i'm not stupid enough to try. I dont think 10-15% is that high but everyone has their opinion. Ive had really attractive men try to do that to me, ones out of my league and I didnt take the bait. However Im not typical so Ill recognize that. I also use to work at Planned Parenthood so Im paranoid about STD's...I saw so much crap at that place STD's can happen to anyone whose willing to dabble in the bar scene
jcrew11 Posted December 8, 2012 Posted December 8, 2012 Are you Blonde? You may want to darken your hair to Brunette? Guys think Blondes are dumb and easy. Do you have a photo? It will be easier to determine what the problem is.
Recommended Posts