He wants to move out but stay together...

[TDot]

Hi all,

 

Need a little advice here. Me and my bf have been together for 2 and a half years (I'm 23, he's 24). We're both each other’s first serious relationship and first loves. We've been living together for pretty much our entire relationship. We broke up about a year in but got back together after 3 months. During this time he slept with someone else for 2 months. I forgave him for it because I literally felt like I was dying without him and since getting back together a yr and half ago we have been doing amazingly well.

 

The problem is, for most of our relationship, we've had to live with my parents. During the first year I moved in with him but couldn't find a job, so I went back to school and we moved in with my parents to take some of the burden off. While I was going to school we were fighting a lot and he ended up breaking up with me. He moved out. After moving out, 3 days later he started sleeping with another girl he had just met. We went no contact but got back together after one of my friends told me he was sleeping with someone else and I confronted him. He immediately stopped sleeping with her and started pursuing me again. After a month, I agreed to give it another shot and he has honestly treated me extremely well since (better than before).

 

I graduated school in April and immediately found a really good paying job but my parents fell on hard financial times and I ended up having to supplement some of their income. The plan was always to move out and get our own place but that was impossible as I couldn't leave my parents like that. The toll of living with my parents has obviously put a strain on our relationship.

 

We got into a huge fight last night about our living situation. He had been threatening to move out for over a month now so I finally told him to do it. This really came as a shock to me because up until a month ago I thought we were still very much in love and on the same page about everything. He was very close to moving into his friend’s house tonight and the relationship would have been over (again) but we talked about it and he explained that he still wanted to be with me but that he needed his own place. He said he still loves me as much as ever and we’ll still be together but he needs to be independent. He also said that when I saved up enough money living at my parents that we will get our own place.

 

I’m just really, really scared. I know his reasons are logical and understandable but I am really terrified that he’s going to move out and break up with me (which I know I can’t stop either way – I can’t hold him prisoner in my house – dangit! Lol). I rely a lot on him as he is so affectionate and loving, and all of my friends (literally ALL) have recently had babies. I feel like he is the only thing in my life that’s stable and I can count on. I love him so much and always have. I just feel like when he moves out he’s going to decide he wants to be single again and I’m going to be alone and heartbroken- again. Him sleeping with someone else and not having my friends the way I used to has left me extremely insecure.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this? How can I be supportive without being needy and clingy and pushing him further away? Am I being crazy by thinking he’s just going to up and leave me when he gets his own place or am I justified because of our past? I’m really scared and would really, really love some advice. Sorry for the novel, I just thought that the details were important to get a full perspective on his reasoning and our relationship. Thanks all

Edited December 7, 2012 by TDot

[Newticus]

Hi Tdot

 

Have you considered asking him for a time line? He is obviously champing at the bit to be away from your parents house, but it doesn't necessarily seem like he wants to be away from you, just away from parents, yours and his own.... this is my assumption anyway.

So what if you asked him how long could he stick it out for at a maximum at your parents house? Another month, 2, 5, none what so ever? I am also assuming that your parents are not going to be in financial crisis forever. I don't suggest you give out all the details of your parents personal issues, but could you estimate when they might be able to get back on their feet? if it is conceivable they could do without you in 6 months as an example? If you make a proposition to your b/f that if he can stick it out a measly 6 months you both will be off like a shot at the end of it, possibly reguardless of your parents situation. I understand that no one wants to leave their parents stranded and I obviously don't know what the situation is, but it would be reasonable to expect their unfortunate dependance on you to end at some point and if they still need a little help once you are out of the house you could take that into consideration when making plans. For example rent a more modest apartment or house in order to have a little money left over to send to your parents should they need it. And present the more modest living space as a temprary situation as well. That it might be the best you guys and do while still helping out and that being together in a smaller place (or whatever) is better then being apart. Or work it out with you b/f that he maybe shoulder a heavier load of the bills upon first moving out so that you are financially capable of still helping out your parents?

 

I know how you feel though, the thought of not living with your partner can be absolutely awful! I am currently facing a situation where I may have to move to a city about an hour and a half away from my partner for several months at the least in order to gain a good and stable job. The thought of it makes me feel like I am choking....however we all have obligations that must be met.

 

From what you have described you b/f does seem to care very much for you, so ask him for a time line. And it's important to actually make plans like that because not only does it mean you are planning for your combined future and that he may stay in the house with you till you are both ready to move out but it also validates his feelings about being under your parents roof and not your own.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Newticus

[TDot]

Thank you for your reply, Newticus. Believe me, I've tried to reason with him that our plans can still be the same if he could wait, but he won't (and he is probably right to do so). He wants out over the next 1-2 months. And I don't blame him. I took on too much responsibility when I found a job. I took on alot of financial responsibility, as is my duty, as a daughter. This has been a theme in my life. The bills are barely paid as they should be, and any extra money goes directly into feeding the problem (my father and their debt). My mother won't let go of the house or stop my father's pattern. But my mother is an amazing person and deserves the help (has supported me to the point of almost going broke).

 

My parents expect him to pay rent (as he should), but he has put alot of work into the house. The basement and garage. There is no way to get my parents out of their predicament, as he's told me many times. It's a bottemless pit and he's opened my eyes to that over the course of our relationship. I understand his frustration and I truly feely trapped. I can't leave them like this because they have helped us but I can't trap him here.

 

It's so complicated. I'm in a tug of war and I'm losing the person I've been in love with for 3 years. He's fed up, as any reasonable person would be. Our relationship isn't perfect, never has been. But living here is making us crazy. My parents are older, I'm an only child, I have best friends but I look at him as my real best friend. My soul mate, my everything. My baby. We are so good together and have so much love for eachother. But he is truly independent and I never have been. My parents are in somewhat a better place but not enough that I can instantly say let's get our own place. He is moving out, he has slept with someone else and decided that was the better course of action. There is no easy answer here. I have no real choice and I hope he stays but it's understandble if he doesn't. This has been more about me getting out than answer. I would still LOVE advice.

[TaraMaiden]

Ugh.

There is so much wrong here, I don't know where to start.

 

Brace yourself, this is going to sound harsh.

 

You cannot be - or remain, or continue to be, indefinitely - responsible for the mess your parents are in. Research debt management, and get some financial advice on how to manage money. You may feel obligated, but this feeling is purely moral = emotional, so it's a propulsion from the heart, not the head.

And in matters of finance, you cannot, absolutely cannot permit your actions to be governed by how you feel, how obligated you are, or what a guilt-trip you've saddled yourself with. 'Duty' be damned, we owe our parents, sure, but you're taking on waaaay too much.

 

In their own ways, your parents should be ashamed of themselves, with regard to the position you find yourself in, particularly your father.

It's outrageous. Your mother may well be 'an amazing person' and good on her. But amazing doesn't mean wise, or right - or even 'deserving'.

 

For your own peace of mind, and secure future, (Have you looked ahead at how your life will be in 10 years' time, if things go on in this vein??) you need to manage this financial haemorrhaging, before your loss is irreversible.

 

With regard to the man in your life, I would say this:

There is no such thing as a soul-mate. Every person we are with at the moment is our soul-mate, but nothing lasts forever, so it's unrealistic to give him that title. If he really were your soulmate, he'd be at your side for ever, no matter what.

So unfortunately, you need to get that ideal out of your head. Soul-mates don't cheat, either.

 

Let him go, go No Contact (see the link in my signature) and get your own life sorted. You need to slowly modify the financial ties to your parents until you're a help, but not the mainstay, or this will swallow you whole and leave you with nothing - and no prospect of anything positive to offer any prospective partner.

[TigerCub]

I gotta say this:

 

The guy didn't cheat on her.

They broke up and he slept with other people - so what?

 

Its the whole Ross& Rachel thing "WE WERE ON A BREAK!!"

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, I get that, you're right - but this -

 

After moving out, 3 days later he started sleeping with another girl he had just met. We went no contact but got back together after one of my friends told me he was sleeping with someone else and I confronted him. He immediately stopped sleeping with her and started pursuing me again.

 

....Makes him sound unreliable, untrustworthy and frankly, flaky, in the 'commitment/exclusivity' department....

[TigerCub]

T-Dot

 

As for your real problem here.

 

#1. You sound like a great person. You're trying to take care of your parents while they're down. Afterall they took care of you all this time.

 

However...TM makes a lot of sense.

As hard as it is to detach a bit from your parents' issues, it is best for you.

 

I'm not saying turn your back on them and don't help out at all, but if you (especially at such a young age), get all mixed up with their finances, it could bite you in the ass when it comes to trying to establish your credit for the future.

 

I know this, one of my closest friends got so caught up trying to clean up her parents' financial messes when we were in university - it spiralled out of control - they ended up guilting her into buying their house so that the bank doesn't take it from them - as well as paying HUGE amounts of their debts - that ****ed her credit, she was taking loans and using her student loan payments for them - it was insane! and they never changed anything.

 

When she got older and wanted to buy her own place - yeah!...that was a lot of fun.

 

Things finally started to work out for her, but she had to finally realize that she can't be a martyr for people when its not going to make a difference - they aren't changing and she's just screwing herself over in the end.

 

Its hard to realized that.

 

Again, I'm not saying walk away and don't help them, I'm saying help to your ability and don't take them on as a responsibility. They have to learn how to fix their mess.

 

Definitely see financial advisers or someone that knows how to consolidate debt and help them with a financial plan and give what you can. But don't ruin your future going overboard - especially if they can't even be bothered to change their bad habits.

 

As for the bf - let him go, its mean to guilt him into staying and you've said that yourself. See how things are after he moves and if he decides that he wants out of the R - fine, its not going to be the end of the world. A sweet girl like you will have no trouble moving on.

 

But its not even there yet. But let him go and see how it plays out.

 

Good luck

[TigerCub]

Yeah, I get that, you're right - but this -

 

 

 

....Makes him sound unreliable, untrustworthy and frankly, flaky, in the 'commitment/exclusivity' department....

 

I dunno, just makes him sound like a 24 year old male following his hormones.

 

Well IMO at least.

 

 

Anywhos, sorry for derailing off topic.

[TaraMaiden]

T-Dot

 

.....

 

(Toronto....? )

 

EDIT: Sorry., Never mind....! doofus!!

[TigerCub]

(Toronto....? )

 

EDIT: Sorry., Never mind....! doofus!!

 

I didn't realize there was no - in her name till after

 

ok...sorry TDot...back to you...

[TaraMaiden]

TDot, TigerCub and I are on the same page. I suspect, if you'd read your own post dispassionately, and as if it had been written by someone else, you would probably advise the same.

 

The problems are two-fold: Financial and emotional.

The important is to take the financial problems and deal with them on a purely practical, logical and analytical level, and make sense of the mess by being more calculating, and perhaps - dare we say it - ruthless.

I know it's monstrously hard to withdraw your emotional feelings from this - trust me, I DO know! - but unfortunately, for the good of everyone, it's absolutely vital that you do.

Many of us have parents we love, want to care for, and would hate to see be in a dire situation.

But logically, they're grown-ups and have been around a lot longer than we have - and if they make a mess of things, much as we may feel like it, they have to make a strong willing and conscious effort to help themselves, without draining our resources. That's selfish and reckless.

 

Sorry, but it is.

 

As both TC and I have said, get yourself and your parents some sound financial guidance.

 

As for this guy - take a good, long break. Right now, you don't have the time to try to fix this, and if he's set on following a path of his own, then nothing you lay before him will truly ever change his mind or make him happy.

You need to extricate yourself from this mess, gain some independence of your own, and review your situation.

[TDot]

Thank you, TM and TigerCub.

 

I know there's no real way to get them out of this mess, it's just hard to see them struggle all the time. My mom feels guilty for doing it and would never go so far as to ruin my credit, but I am getting sick of them digging this hole and not doing anything to change the situation. I'm going to start distancing myself from the situation.

 

As for him sleeping with someone else, that was 10 months into our relationship. We've been together a year and a half since then and he is extremely loyal and trustworthy when it comes to cheating; he would never. I was angry about it for a long time but he was honest about literally everything that happened between him and this girl and I know it meant nothing and was just a rebound. I don't hold it against him and don't believe he would do that again if we broke up.

 

However, now he's kinda messing with my head. Things have cooled down a bit between us but I got drunk yesterday and kinda unloaded everything I was feeling about him possibly breaking up with me when he moved out in a not-so-nice way. Anyways, we talked about it today and he started saying things like, "you can do better than me." And all I said was, "ok." And he's like "oh, so you agree then? You think you can do better than me?" To which I replied, "you said it, not me."

 

Then he said, "even if we do break up in the future, I want you to know I won't do what I did last time. I'll just be working and not going out, then eventually in the future, if we save enough money apart, we'll get back together and do all the things we planned. You'll do the same, right?" To which I said, "if we break up, we're broken up. I'm not doing that to myself again and I'll be going out and moving on." I also told him that if we break-up I was going to take a job where I'd be away for weeks at a time (which he absolutely does not want me to do and never has), so I wouldn't constantly be thinking about him in my house. He was kind of shocked.

 

He also said, "I'll always love you and you know, no matter what, we'll miss eachother and get back together eventually anyways." To which I said "no, we won't. I'll always love you because you're my first love but if we break up, we're done." And he said, "well, you're my only love forever, not just first love, and I don't want anyone else."

 

I don't know what he's trying to do here. Scare me into thinking it's a possibility, trying to get me to reassure him that I'll wait for him like I did last time? Which I won't. It's like he's saying these things and expecting me to agree but I wasn't having any of it. He said a few more things similar to what I posted above and I kept shooting them all down, and I actually meant what I said. We actually had a really good night after this talk and he was being really sweet and affectionate. I was asking him about furniture when he was moving out and he actually said, "I don't wanna talk about. I'm not even sure what I wanna do anyways (in terms of moving out). I love you."

 

He's really messing with my head, any perspectives on what he's trying to do here?

[TaraMaiden]

yeah, he's messing with your head.

 

Ask him point blank, whether he's moving out pre- or post-christmas?

 

Don't ask him IF he's moving out - frame it as a when question. Either/or. Those are the options....

 

He's tugging at your conscience and just adding more responsibility onto your shoulders, and making you liable.

 

But you, clever girl, are not playing the game.

 

I hate to mention it, but this is the same kind of approach you need to adopt with your mum and dad too.

And sometimes, being gentle, doesn't work...

 

Make an appointment for them to see a financial advisor. You may have to fund this, but tell them that after their appointment, when they will have to give him/her full disclosure of the extent of their financial dilemma, they will have to take full responsibility for their debts and any further input from you will have to be classified as a loan, which they will have to repay.

 

Or words to this effect.

The above is a succinct summary, but you will have to practise 'tough love'.

"Compassion" needs to be tempered with wisdom, as idiot compassion just burdens us further. We mean well, but we end up enabling the problem to continue....