Allumere Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) Its been 7 months and the pain is as great as the day our relationship ended. Counseling, life style changes and its still there..every hour of every day. We were together for almost 7 months and the destruction from the failure of the relationship is ten-fold that which I experienced when my husband left...someone I had known for almost 35 years....but its the man I was with 6 months that has left me completely broken. Today is my birthday. I really, really thought it was going to be my last one alone for a very long time. He moved on immediately, is in love and about a month ago said we couldn't be friends. I never pushed or begged. We communicate on and off. I got pulled in a few times only to be put on the shelf again but general contact was positive. I don't subscribe to the NC mindset as I don't believe in erasing people or memories. That doesn't mean that a break isn't healing or useful....I just don't throw people away that meant something to me. Sadly, that opinion wasn't shared. And just when I think I'm getting better WHAM. I had my first date scheduled this Saturday and I just can't do it. The anxiety has started already and all I have been feeling is dread. It won't be him and I know all I will do is be comparing....and that isn't fair to the nice gentlemen who asked me out so I cancelled. Edited December 7, 2012 by Allumere
LostOne1 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 but how do you move on if you keep them in the picture? I always thought NC was stupid before too. But I realized it DOES help get over them after awhile. You miss them a lot, but slowly reason to the fact that it just didn't work and didn't last.
Author Allumere Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 The contact is what you can bare at the time and I think you need to be honest about it. I think everyone is very different in this regard but for me cutting someone off, giving the silence treatment is what a parent does to a child to get them to change a behavior. Sure the child may respond out of fear or guilt but how is that a loving act. A cool off/chill out period is fine, especially when there are hurt feelings but that can be communicated. I also think that when people (not all of course) cut and run they don't deal with any of the issues from the relationship and it will impact them one way or another. I know many. many great people and value each for what I have learned from them but I have few people I am truly close to (of course no one that lives here) or connect with on that next level so those relationships are precious to me. I am not an experienced dater, but I can say that I have remained friends with the men I have dated. I honestly cared and connected within them as part of courting process so I value them no less when things didn't work out. Sure it was awkward and at times painful in the beginning, especially if they were dating someone...at which point I would be honest and back way..but overtime it just became OK and I feel very fortunate to have these gents in my life. We aren't hanging out together every weekend but we keep in touch, get together when they are in town and have had each other's back when necessary. Exceptions? Sure! My ex-husband left and I never saw him or wanted to again. Too much damage done over the years. I also knew he would never contact me. He was bi-polar, not managed, and it is very typical for someone with that mood disorder to just run away and start another life. There is such a huge guilt component that they deal with when in balance they simply can't handle it and opt for a clean slate. Honestly, in that case I felt such relief after he left I prayed I wouldn't hear from him again. My ex-boyfriend didn't handle things the right way when his feelings started to change for me and I certained did not care for the push/pull afterwards when it occured (he was called out) but I do understand why those things occurred. But you know, I started dating him because he has some wonderful qualities and those remained constant so why toss that away.
amaysngrace Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I'm in the middle with no contact too but I think it's useful if you are still extremely emotionally attached to the person. Why are you doing this to yourself? He seemed so great because he was different than the one you were married to. It was fresh and new and unfamiliar. It seems like you've forgotten that you were half of that relationship too. Why are you giving him all the credit? Also why be so hung up on someone who clearly doesn't care for you the same way that you care for him? Why do you sell yourself short in this whole relationship-dynamic you and he have(had)???
cavalier99 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) Its been 7 months and the pain is as great as the day our relationship ended. If what you are doing now isn't working change it! If you still feel this way after 7 months it think it is time to seriously consider NC for your own health. I understand that you like to maintain a healthy relationship eventually with your EX's. Great for you. So reconnect after a full year of NC when you are 100 percent recovered. What is the purpose of the continued suffering? Some idealized notion that you need to be friend with every ex or you will hurt his feelings after he dumped you? And it isn't fair to him giving him the silent treatment? Where is you self esteem in this? If he truly cares for you as a "friend" he will understand you cutting contact and reconnecting MUCH later. If he doesn't then he isn't a friend and it is time to go NC anyway. Edited December 7, 2012 by cavalier99
Author Allumere Posted December 8, 2012 Author Posted December 8, 2012 I value people and what they have brought to my life so that is simplly why I don't believe in the walk away. And I certainly understand that some people we encounter are only meant to be in our lives for a short time. I am not trying to earn gold stars by being friends with exs....they were all simply good men even if things didn't work out so why not keep them as part of your life in some capacity...even if no more than a couple chats a year. I don't think I have ignored the fact that I was part of the relationship and certainly take responsibility for my share of the good and bad. At no point were contributions questioned. I think it came down to that little voice in his head that said for whatever reason she isn't the one (although we have discussed alot of issues/concerns, I doubt I have the whole story which is typical). Unfortunately for me, the feelings were different and they aren't something I can shut off. Oh yes, he was different from ex-husband but so were the other gents so I think (notice I use the word think) I am beyond simply being with someone that treats me better or is stable. The current ex loves me and speaks highly of me...he also falls in love and moves quickly based on what I know of past relationships..I would probably label him a serial monogamist based on what I have learned..but he seems to really want to give his current gal a try so since he is making the effort and seems genuinely happy he must think she is the one for him. Hence he asked me to go NC because he does have feelings for me which causes him hurt and conflict and doubt and he needs to focus on her and see where it goes. If I needed anything, there is no doubt he would be there for me so I have respected his request and understand it. Understanding doesn't help the heart or fill the void of loneliness and thats why I am broken. In the big picture I am tired of being alone so a huge void has been left I have yet to be able to fill. Trust me...doing the whole get a hobby, volunteer, lean of friend things but they don't address my problem and that is simply I want to be in a relationship as it makes me happy. All I hear is you have to be happy with yourself, happy on your own. I have in the past gotten to the point where I was very happy and content with just me but even then I wanted someone to share my life with.
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