Dating etiquette at 40

[dasein]

Really? Well, whether they "can" or not doesn't mean they are, I guess. There are many reports and studies that say that men have, on average, many more sexual partners than women - in every country where such a study was done. I didn't even find one that states that women have more than men - not to say that if you google hard enough, you won't find one.

 

Is there a point in there? No one has said in the thread that women are generally impulsively promiscuous or even attempted to estimate how many are. Those who are have bigger fish to fry in their personal lives than resorting to stale, inaccurate double standards like children, "well he did it too!" The adult response to that is the old "would you jump off the roof if he did it too?" cliche, never mind that the double standard simply does not exist.

 

"Men" don't "hold women accountable" for anything, dude. My own husband doesn't "hold me accountable" for things. Being accountable is MY responsibility, as it is for all adults. It's nobody's place to be holding other people accountable, especially one entire gender over another.

 

Yes men do, can and should hold women accountable for their behavior, and vice versa. People are responsible for their acts, bad or good, and it's exactly the place of those involved in dating, sex and relationships to do so in accordance with their reasonable preferences and expectations of conduct. No one said -anything- about a whole gender holding the other whole gender accountable for anything, but thanks for unintentionally disproving patriarchy theory.

Edited December 8, 2012 by dasein

[edgygirl]

Thanks. Yes I want to change things and that's why I got here and posted to get some insight. I've been in North America for 8 years, US for 6.

 

It did work in my country, in a way. I had a LTR... but I didn't want to get married there and wanted to move here.

 

I didn't read through all the pages, EdgyGirl, but here's what I think, based on your first post.

 

To quote Albert Einstein, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result." Therefore, if you want to see a change in your universe, start by changing YOU and your approach to these situations. If this means keeping your pants on in the early days of dating, so be it. How long have you been living in North America? Stop blaming cultural differences, please - it didn't work while you were in South America, either.

 

Yes, there are some men that only want sex, but that's easy to spot at a hundred paces, if you're smart. And those are the men who can spot the women who will jump into bed easily.

 

Another quote? "Be the change that you wish to see." (Ghandi). Good luck!

[LittleTiger]

lol same here. two months is an eternity in my mind as I consider my sex drive healthy (except for the part where I can't control myself when I am really interested and if I do control myself the relationship doesn't work either).

 

Of course I don't sleep with every man who tries it... That was my whole point. I only sleep with people I am really, really interested in and see potential for LTR and marriage.

 

How do you know there is potential for LTR and marriage if you've only just met someone?

 

Sure, sometimes people fall in love quickly and end up staying together, but in most cases 2 months isn't long enough to get beyond the honeymoon stage of infatuation.

 

This may be where you are going wrong. Waiting a while before having sex is not about playing games. It is about showing that you value your body and relationships and that you are looking for something serious.

 

The way you talk in this thread suggests that, although you may want marriage and a family, you ACT as though sex is your number one priority. As much as men like sex, very few want to marry a woman who puts her need for sex before her desire for emotional intimacy.

 

I apologise, if I've read you wrong, but this is very much how you come across to me.

[xxoo]

See, in my country we don't date. We meet people through friends or in bars and it's very organic how things develop. Maybe that's why I have problems adapting here to this "dating" thing.

 

People commonly meeting that way in the US. Maybe it is just different in NYC.

 

Definitely assume that a man you just men (first date, don't know outside of dating) is notenvisioning you as his girlfriend on the first date! He may be looking for a relationship, but he's not looking for a relationship with you (or any specific woman) until he gets to know you.

[Tafita]

Thank you! Gotta love this forum. I think you guys are starting to make me feel less weirdo. Ha!

 

I get exactly what you're saying because I think my self-imposed celibacy in the last 7 months probably came from not wanting to try and find a relationship. I just got sick of it all and was really afraid to date and fall for someone and behave and do things I didn't want and screw it all.

 

I have to evolve as you are trying to do, and find my common denominator and work on dating without expectations and this passion I have inside that is hard to tame. I guess I am afraid as you are, to tame my passion, because it's one of the greatest qualities in me It's a shame it hinders my relationships!

 

You're not a weirdo, just a woman/female.

 

I'm more in the mindset now that waiting for a relationship to be established first, before getting physically intimate, is better. I think

keeping our thoughts in check (logical vs. emotional) will help with our "inner guide". Especially considering women bond emotionally through sex depending on who it is with.

 

The expectations part, is tricky. For example -- last guy I dated (in my prior thread), I had NO expectations at first. I wasn't IN the mindset of having a relationship. But after a short time, I wanted one with him.

 

Maybe you can try to divert your "inner passion" towards other things as to not eliminate altogether. Ninjainpajamas gives some excellent, excellent advice and insights. Albeit, it can be a bit on the extreme side. But it comes from a male who is emotionally unavailable so there's a wealth of information in the advice that is dispensed.

[edgygirl]

Thanks, good advice! I obviously won't be telling prospective partners about my liberal sexual past. I've learned my lessons. And I don't even want to know about theirs.

 

I identify with all things you said re: culture, etc. It's funny how men here dislike women like that. I guess they are just not used to it and / or find it threatening and unpleasant. They seem to prefer the smiling / non threatening cows who don't question anything.

 

Funny, but with all the experience I have, I found it SUPER helpful the things you said to do date by date, I appreciate that. Thanks a bunch. Will make me think a lot about my future behavior when meeting someone special.

 

You really don't have to wait TOO long. Three or four dates and some phone calls/email is enough to go by to build sufficient respect for the man who wants a challenge without him being a total conservative but bag.

 

Its sad to say but mentioning having "lots" of partners is probably not to your advantage. The cultural double standard in America is that men can nail fifty to a hundred women and he is considered a stud but when a woman has more than five or so lovers men will think she's a slut... I'm not advocating lying, but I wouldn't volunteer information about having a one night stand or playing the numbers game.

 

What worked for me on my ad was to say: I do love sex, affection and adventure but ONLY within the confines of a relationship. That if I only wanted sex I'd be in the "casual encounters" section on Craig's list and not on a relationship site so I would consider anyone attempting to dupe me as a cheap predator and treat them with scorn accordingly.

 

I did NOT respond to anyone who mentioned sex in their first letter to me. I did not respond to men who listed "casual" or "friends", I ONLY responded to men that made it clear they wanted a relationship and wrote about topics of substance in their letter to me (responding to what I wrote In My profile thus proving they read the thing and were not just picture fishing for ass).

 

I found the best matches for me were men with culture because they understood how values is relative to where you grow (I stated in my ad I preferred fellow immigrants or first generation immigrants).

 

Americans are kind of goofy. They consider outspoken intellectual people as annoying and "know it alls". Where I come from its different: when you are very quiet and not forth right this means you have anti social behavioral issues. Hence, I have learned to explain (in a very unapologetic manner) "I'm forthright because I don't waste time and have nothing to hide. I like intellectual topics because I am an academic, if that's a turn off keep moving because I have no desire to hang with someone shallow anyways!"

 

Look at your dates to cone this way: you are making a long erotic dance of flirtation and foreplay to build anticipation. The first night if you are feeling it: stare at each other deeply, hold hands, tounge kiss in the twilight with your hands in his hair until your lips swell!

 

Second night feed him his meal while sitting in his lap, kiss him for hours while you get familiar with each others bodies through your clothes. If he pushes it towards sex tell him outright: " you turn me on, I'm REALLY feeling this but not tonight. I know and you know you need to know more, besides, I am SO worth the wait!"

Edited December 9, 2012 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

Yes it's funny because by the moment I do meet someone I've been talking for months, I am just checking to see if there's live attraction there, but by that time I already did make my mind if I want to get to know them better and try to see if we can develop a relationship. I know it sounds stupid, but I know what I want in a person and if it seems they're it even before we met. I know it sounds delusional and that I am probably construing the person in my head though. I should not fantasize how they are before I REALLY know how they are. That's probably the mistake that leads me to think I know more than I do when I meet them. A very fruitful mind

 

People commonly meeting that way in the US. Maybe it is just different in NYC.

 

Definitely assume that a man you just men (first date, don't know outside of dating) is notenvisioning you as his girlfriend on the first date! He may be looking for a relationship, but he's not looking for a relationship with you (or any specific woman) until he gets to know you.

[edgygirl]

True - I have to work on my emotional vs emotional thoughts.

 

I went back to reading ninja's post and you are right... lots of insights there, some pleasant some not but a lot to think about.

 

You're not a weirdo, just a woman/female.

 

I'm more in the mindset now that waiting for a relationship to be established first, before getting physically intimate, is better. I think

keeping our thoughts in check (logical vs. emotional) will help with our "inner guide". Especially considering women bond emotionally through sex depending on who it is with.

 

The expectations part, is tricky. For example -- last guy I dated (in my prior thread), I had NO expectations at first. I wasn't IN the mindset of having a relationship. But after a short time, I wanted one with him.

 

Maybe you can try to divert your "inner passion" towards other things as to not eliminate altogether. Ninjainpajamas gives some excellent, excellent advice and insights. Albeit, it can be a bit on the extreme side. But it comes from a male who is emotionally unavailable so there's a wealth of information in the advice that is dispensed.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I am positive the OP is another Wolf alias. All the traits are there:

 

--location on East Coast

--is a Euro immigrant that talks about how America is conservative to where he comes from (Ukraine)

--exaggerates their problem

 

Why do people keep falling for the threads created by Wolf?

[edgygirl]

Yeah do you also believe Obama wasn't born in the US? I don't get people who are into conspiracy theories.

 

Most immigrants as me have critiques about this country, so what? It's absolutely normal. I like living here, if I didn't I wouldn't be here, dahn. IF you read my posts you'd see I do NOT come from Europe, silly person. Who is Wolf and why would this person want to fake being someone like me?

 

Why did I exaggerate my problem exactly? I've been searching for a relationship and having issues to find it, I came here for advice. I doubt you'll respond, but who cares.

 

I don't want to sound anti-American, but you seem to be a typical stereotype of a conservative one. No, not all countries are like America indeed. And we immigrants find a few things to be very weird here. You sound anti-immigrants if you believe there's something wrong with critiquing and trying to adapt. Have you ever been abroad at all?

 

Who are you to discredit my identity. Annoying.

 

I am positive the OP is another Wolf alias. All the traits are there:

 

--location on East Coast

--is a Euro immigrant that talks about how America is conservative to where he comes from (Ukraine)

--exaggerates their problem

 

Why do people keep falling for the threads created by Wolf?

Edited December 9, 2012 by edgygirl

[Oxy Moronovich]

Yep. Definitely a Wolf clone. Your grammar gives you away. You seriously need a new hobby, dude.

[edgygirl]

Look, I don't think it's fair to discredit someone you don't know online. I joined the site and intend to be here for a long time and don't need not to be taken seriously here (if you don't take me seriously that is your problem).

 

I don't know what issues you have with this person, but you should talk directly to him.

 

Oh WOW, how brilliant! Because one immigrant sounds like other... yes! they must be fake! How smart of you! SO American. Yes I bet you don't have contact with any immigrant in Texas and you'd like them to self-deport too right? tsc tsc.

 

Seems like the one needing a hobby is you. How pathetic. I am going to make a complaint about you to Moderators. They probably can check those things. Only because you are behind a screen, doesn't mean you can't be traced. Keep that in mind

 

Yep. Definitely a Wolf clone. Your grammar gives you away. You seriously need a new hobby, dude.

[edgygirl]

You should read the guidelines: LoveShack.org: Community Guidelines

 

You are not an oxymoron. You are plain; not contradictory. Apparently just the last 5 letters of your screen name. AND anti-immigrants. People like you me tired, really. Have a good (low) life.