Dating etiquette at 40

[edgygirl]

or should I say "dating sex etiquette at 40"?

 

I feel quite pathetic asking this question. but here it goes... if you're in your 20s you probably won't relate to what goes on at my age, so I prefer people closer to my age answer. thanks!

 

I am a 40 yo woman. I've been with so many guys in my life and have had LOTS of experience. Lots of one night stands and a few meaningful relationships. But after dating post my last breakup I've been noticing I developed an issue. As I just joined and most people seem super friendly here, I think you guys might be able to help me.

 

All my meaningful relationships in the last decade or so (3 I would say) started from having had sex in the first night. The truth is, in my age, I feel a bit pathetic of pretending I don't want it when usually if I get to meet someone it's because I'm quite interested in them already. Yes, I am picky.

 

So... in my mind, I usually think that if a relationship is supposed to be, if there's something there, it won't be crushed by having sex in the first night.

 

But my therapist (older American woman) told me to never have sex in the first date. I am not American and the country I come from is less puritan / conservative.

 

Still I know I might have hindered a couple of good potential relationships this year by having done just that. I thought there was a strong interest and connection, only for the guys to become cold right after. It's hard for me specially as I don't totally get American's personalities variations yet.

 

The main thing I think is I don't feel comfortable developing a relationship over many dates without having sex if I'm really into someone. I am really outgoing but it feels fake to me to do that. What is wrong with me, lol?

 

Also, in a sense, I've read that how soon you go to bed with someone in fact depends on your age bracket. That obviously a woman who is 40 and another who is 20 won't behave the same way and well, they probably should not. It doesn't make much sense to play virginal and difficult at my age. But it also doesn't feel good to have someone go cold on you after you slept with him. Deep down I think I have insecurity issues and I feel that having sex makes us feel closer and see if we are compatible and helps close the deal if there is already prior chemistry. I know it's kind of twisted but it's so ingrained in me that I don't know how to act in a different way (yes I just admitted it to myself for the very first time).

 

In any case... I guess I am looking for advice on how to hold myself, and try to develop something deeper with someone I'm interested in and hold on to sex. Or how to behave... how to develop a sexless relationship that is more meaningful before getting to that point. I am not sure why I find it so difficult as I age. I just don't have patience for bs. I know you guys will say oh go to the park, to a movie, dinners... but I am not used to having these American kind of dates forever without going further. It sounds so prudish to me. And... How can I know I want them if I don't see if we're compatible in bed?

 

I thought about getting a FWB to relax on that matter, but I crave so much a real relationship that I am a bit disgusted by the idea of it these days (although I've done it in the past). I think I slept with the last guy I was interested in on the first night because I had self imposed celibacy in the last 6 months after my last breakup. Which was also a bad idea I guess as I could not hold myself after a few drinks and being super attracted to him.

 

Ahhh I guess I don't know how to "date" American style. for me it's all or nothing. I think it just doesn't work very well with American guys as they think you're easy. I am the opposite - I am very picky and if I sleep with someone is because I am very much interested.

 

Btw - I really want to find someone to get married asap so I can try to have a kid. This certainly doesn't help pressure-wise.

 

Any advice?

Edited December 7, 2012 by edgygirl

[todreaminblue]

I feel quite pathetic asking this question.

 

I am a 40 yo woman. I've been with so many guys in my life and have had LOTS of experience. Lots of one night stands and a few meaningful relationships. But after dating post my last breakup I've been noticing I developed an issue. As I just joined and most people seem super friendly here, I think you guys might be able to help me.

 

All my meaningful relationships in the last decade or so (3 I would say) started from having had sex in the first night. The truth is, in my age, I feel a bit pathetic of pretending I don't want it when usually if I get to meet someone it's because I'm quite interested in them already. Yes, I am picky.

 

So... in my mind, I usually think that if a relationship is supposed to be, if there's something there, it won't be crushed by having sex in the first night.

 

But my therapist (older American woman) told me to never have sex in the first date. I am not American and the country I come from is less puritan / conservative.

 

Still I know I might have hindered a couple of good potential relationships this year by having done just that. I thought there was a strong interest and connection, only for the guys to become cold right after. It's hard for me specially as I don't totally get American's personalities variations yet.

 

The main thing I think is I don't feel comfortable developing a relationship over many dates without having sex if I'm really into someone. I am really outgoing but it feels fake to me to do that. What is wrong with me, lol?

 

In any case... I guess I am looking for advice on how to hold myself, and try to develop something deeper with someone I'm interested in and hold on to sex. I thought about getting a FWB but I crave so much a real relationship that I am a bit disgusted by the idea of it these days (although I've done it in the past). I think I slept with the last guy I was interested in on the first night because I had self imposed celibacy in the last 6 months after my last breakup. Which was also a bad idea I guess as I could not hold myself after a few drinks and being super attracted to him.

 

Ahhh I guess I don't know how to "date" American style. for me it's all or nothing. I think it just doesn't work very well with American guys as they think you're easy. I am the opposite - I am very picky and if I sleep with someone is because I am very much interested.

 

Btw - I really want to find someone to get married asap so I can try to have a kid. This certainly doesn't help pressure-wise.

 

Any advice?

 

 

 

I am over 40 and i have the exact opposite of a problem....I dotn want to have sex until I know someone well and honestly would prefer to wait until i am married which makes me the biggest hypocrite out...i have however been celibate for a number of years now and only recently felt desire return over the last six or so months....i have extensive history sexually five kids......adn i feel if i get to know a guy and it turns serious i disclose my history and then say i want to wait though....they are going to feel it is all about me getting married it isnt....or obviously im not the same girl i used to be....i dotn know its hard.....soemtimes i feel i should just forget my ideals and values......but i dont want to have sex with just anyone anymore been there done that adn I have to be attracted to someone to take that step ......i am confused about the whole situation.....I hav efeelings for soemone and they are hard to ignore....and when i do i am naturally not attracted to anyone else so I wont lead guys on, have thought about forcing myself out there and facing the inevitable guy who is goign to ask me for sex.... .....and i dont want to do that............i wouldnt be happy.....so stuck in the middle.....and going to gym .....lol....wanted to share thaty to say when you are older and experienced it doesnt get any easier than being inexperienced and dating

 

 

 

i dont think you should have sex on the first night.....and you should if you want a serious relationship pursue that....to take the pressure off dont concentrate on the marriage bit and just enjoy gettting to know someone intimately without sex first so it doesnt turn into a fwb situation make sure it is exclusive before you have sex you wont be able to tell that in one week of dates....or even a few months of dating....

 

 

 

see who you are compatible with get to know them really well if you want that person to be the father of your child....marry them before you have that child and you will be happy......find out their views on parenthood, how they want to raise children what their values are before you have a child with soemone you are going to be at odds with all the time....wont be happy parenting....i wish you all the best i hope that you find happiness in whatever you seek..dont waste any time with sexual relationships if a permanent one is what you are really after...hugs....deb

Edited December 7, 2012 by todreaminblue

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is a contradiction I see out of a lot of women...

 

"I'm really picky" buuut..."I've slept with a lot of men"...

 

To me that's like saying, "I'm really selective about the cars I drive...so I only drive the cars that use gas"

 

What exactly do you think makes you "picky"? To me picky is someone who wouldn't sleep with a lot of people...because well, they are picky, so they actually don't meet people often enough that they're really interested in which would make them picky. How does that not make sense?

 

Yet magically, many of these "picky" people have no problem finding many of the men that can take them to bed, so what are we picky about here? because the men you choose to get into relationships with? because it doesn't obviously seem to equate to the amount of men you end up having sexual encounters with.

 

Unfortunately for you in regards to having sex, it doesn't seem like you're doing it for just sexual reasons. I think you have this paranoia that if you don't sleep with these men then you can't form the bond and then they'll decide to leave you....even though many of them appear to be walking out the door anyway.

 

It seems like you also lack the ability to form any other kind of other bond or relationship with a man, that doesn't come with sex. It seems like that is your bond, so you mistaken the pursuit of men after the vagina as genuine and deeply rooted interest...however you're not really holding out from sex very long anyway so you're not able to tell the different and even though some of those may have resulted in relationships...many many more have not.

 

I'm not sure why you've formulated this dating with no sex as a "bad" thing, clearly you are still the results of your own behavior and theories how that shouldn't matter. The thing is, men are going to treat you based on how they perceive you, and what "kind of woman" you are, if you're outgoing and uninhibited many guys are automatically going to translate that into "just for fun" because most guys don't want to end up with the "just for fun" girl, but it doesn't mean they won't all stick their penis into her.

 

Dating should be about getting to know someone, forming a real bond that's not just physical, once you take the physical on then that takes the whole situation on a fast track and doesn't give you any real understanding of the persons true interest because you're too busy going through that new car smell phase of meeting someone new and having sex. The sex propels men very much in the beginning, there's not a lot forming in terms of "relationship" and "long-term" commitments, they're just like a fat big pigging out on his favorite chocolate cake. Once the guys had his fill, then it was good for what it was then he moves right along, because you're not the "kind of girl" he's all that into anyway and he likely just saw a free pass with the "just for fun" girl/woman.

 

Men aren't going to take women seriously that don't know how to set boundaries and draw lines in the sand of how they expect to be respected and valued. If you treat yourself like a cheap escort, then that's the kind of attitude you're going to get...most of the time, not a lot of Richard Gere's running around out there trying to tame the wild woman, unless it's a nice guy which you'll probably say is "not my type".

 

As far as the American culture, I'm not sure why you're so wrapped into that. Yeah, I get the idea of dating to you seems "prudish" but there a certain expectation that men have to go through to get the vagina, and that's their way of playing along. That's what "society" has told them they've got to do to "earn" it, of course nowadays it's coming easier and easier because women are more "liberated" these days. But here's the thing, men and women aren't wired the same, men generally want to have sex, women generally want relationships....if you start having sex on the first date who's the one that's likely to lose out? So regardless of culture, you should be making decisions out of a matter of respect for yourself, because you want a relationship, but you sure aren't acting like it.

 

Where's the depth of intellectual conversation you are providing? where are really getting to know these guys? what are you showing them what they could expect?

 

For you it's just "Oooo I'm into this guy, need to sleep with him" and then the guys like "well, a man can't turn down an easy lay..here we go again"...and that's that, what else are you expecting to materialize out of that? for him to fall in love? emotionally connect with you?...how? why? in what way? you've already lost the mans attention that you had by giving up the booty...your most valuable commodity, you just gave it away for free...It's like telling kids they are going to get candy and then saying "ok, now I want you guys to listen to what I'm saying"...those kids are going to be scarfing down that lollipop so fast, then they'll throw that little white stick in your face then go play.

 

I'll be honest with you, because you are a grown woman who's had her share of experiences by now to see how well your theories play out so it should make sense to you. You haven't really conditioned yourself as "relationship material" so why would a man take you all that seriously? You likely come off very clingy and desperate because you try to attach so quickly. An what do you think these men have to gain? a 40 year old woman who wants to get knocked up before her eggs hit the dirt? These men your age already have their own kids or decided they're going to f@ck up some naive 20ish yearr old girl and use her for a baby maker, those guys are shooting down that kind of a thing...the chances of you finding a guy your age looking for kids is dwindling, and from the type of men you choose to date, you're probably picking emotionally unavailable men that never really offered up relationship type of vibes in the first place, you just obviously have issues with your man-picker. And guess what? like attracts like.

 

You seem like someone who is so resistant and defiant to change, you seem stubborn and make excuses as to why you shouldn't that of course, the world should evolve around your behavior and choices and the right man should part the seas and out comes this handsome beastly man ready to grease your loins with baby-making-man-chowder.

 

Your issues, insecurities, and the way you likely act after you have sex with these men probably sends them running for the hills...men can spot a woman that's looking for a huuusband a mile away, they're like "oh *****, time to move on with this one...after a little fun, but out before the gate closes on me".

 

You need to develop some self-control, some patience and understanding of your issues so you can see what you're actually doing here, and why you're really sleeping with these men (really facing it deeply) and why you want to feel that desperate vulnerability and latch onto them because you thrive on that emotion, it fulfills something for you...you're enabling a cyclical behavior, you don't recognize your triggers that are sending you down the same path, because you don't want to look in the mirror, open that closet full of skeletons, admit your own problems and issues and face them head on..but just live in denial that you shouldn't have to change....probably because you're too scared to and you've been running from them your whole life.

 

You'd rather just meet some new man, and get your "fix" hoping that this time....maybe this time...it'll last!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am 33 and all my relationships started with holding off sex until emotional bond is formed. Generally 6 weeks - 2 months of solid dating: taking me out, no home dates. None of those guys cooled off, they were more into me afterwards...

 

On the other hand, in the last year I have relaxed my standards and had sex sooner because I wanted something more casual. Those guys ended up cooling off after having sex few times...

 

I have also noticed how awkward sex is for me with people that are basically strangers..(the earliest I ever had sex was third date). I mean how do you cuddle and sleep in the same bed with a man that you don't even know? It just feels wrong to me.

[mesmerized]

OP I understand what you're saying. Most men are selfish and hypocrites who think sex is their right but unfortunately you're straight and live in america so you have to live with that. I don't think celibacy is a good idea for you actually but if you meet a guy that you think might go somewhere wait for sex until you develop a connection first. Otherwise anything is fair game. Hood luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wis

OP I understand what you're saying. Most men are selfish and hypocrites who think sex is their right but unfortunately you're straight and live in america so you have to live with that. I don't think celibacy is a good idea for you actually but if you meet a guy that you think might go somewhere wait for sex until you develop a connection first. Otherwise anything is fair game. Hood luck.

 

How are men being hyprocrites or think its their right?

 

Man wanted sex w woman, woman wanted sex w man...is that not an equal and conscious decision and exchange right? According to "equality".

 

Oh but woman gets to decide whether he's just for fun, short term or has long term potential...but when a man decides it was just sex...which it was right? But woman wanted a relationship now the man is a jerk? Wait a minute, isn't it your right to have sexw who and whenever you want...or only when the woman is in control or else the man is just simply making a hypocritical decision because he didn't want more?

 

So if men treat sex as sex but women have sex but expected it to turn into more than clearly it is the mans fault for not wanting more...when if were being equal here isn't is his right to walk away because you're a big girl and can have sex when and who you want?

 

Women have to make the decision....whether to be and act like men for the sake of equality and sexual release, or be taken more seriously by showing the man you expect to be...otherwise at that point its just two people mutually having sex right? Who's the hyprocrite expecting more? Men didn't change the game unless they lied, which cmon how old do you have to be to realixe men would lie for sex...but if they didn't and you just had sex out of sexual desire...then why doesn't a man have the right to go cold? What does he owe you for making the same decision and act you did? You both had sex...transaction complete..he walked away, so can you...don't like it then do something about it...you control your own body, don't blame men for sexing you up when you did the same.

 

Women love to avoid responsibilty and accountability so they can continiue to blame men for their problems/issues.

 

Hood luck!

[mesmerized]

Wis

 

How are men being hyprocrites or think its their right?

 

Man wanted sex w woman, woman wanted sex w man...is that not an equal and conscious decision and exchange right? According to "equality".

 

Oh but woman gets to decide whether he's just for fun, short term or has long term potential...but when a man decides it was just sex...which it was right? But woman wanted a relationship now the man is a jerk? Wait a minute, isn't it your right to have sexw who and whenever you want...or only when the woman is in control or else the man is just simply making a hypocritical decision because he didn't want more?

 

So if men treat sex as sex but women have sex but expected it to turn into more than clearly it is the mans fault for not wanting more...when if were being equal here isn't is his right to walk away because you're a big girl and can have sex when and who you want?

 

Women have to make the decision....whether to be and act like men for the sake of equality and sexual release, or be taken more seriously by showing the man you expect to be...otherwise at that point its just two people mutually having sex right? Who's the hyprocrite expecting more? Men didn't change the game unless they lied, which cmon how old do you have to be to realixe men would lie for sex...but if they didn't and you just had sex out of sexual desire...then why doesn't a man have the right to go cold? What does he owe you for making the same decision and act you did? You both had sex...transaction complete..he walked away, so can you...don't like it then do something about it...you control your own body, don't blame men for sexing you up when you did the same.

 

Women love to avoid responsibilty and accountability so they can continiue to blame men for their problems/issues.

 

Hood luck!

 

What I meant is that men think sex is their right but not a woman's right. So many women are advised here to not have sex even if it means celibacy for months or years when men are advised to take any opportunity to enjoy their sexuality. Its bull****.

 

I dunno how you came to conclusion that the op must be having so many issues. She doesn't, she just enjoys sex like so many men out there. What she needs to understand is that a lot of men are insecure and hypocritical or just incapable of keeping up their interest after early sex and she needs to find a way to deal with these things.

[maybealone]

how to develop a sexless relationship that is more meaningful before getting to that point.

 

Not having sex on the first date does not equal a sexless relationship. You can get to know someone quite well over a handful of dates, as long as they are dates where you have time to talk (not going to the movies and those kinds of dates). It's not like you have to choose between sex on the first date and sex on the wedding night.

 

I have also noticed how awkward sex is for me with people that are basically strangers..(the earliest I ever had sex was third date). I mean how do you cuddle and sleep in the same bed with a man that you don't even know? It just feels wrong to me.

 

My issue is more that I feel inhibited if I don't know the man. And once I start having inhibited sex, it is hard for me to switch to uninhibited sex later on. I have learned that it is just better sex if I spend a few weeks getting to know the guy first.

[LittleTiger]

Men in their 40s and older up grew up in an era where women who gave it up too soon were 'easy' and not considered marriage material.

 

That may be old fashioned and, if LS is anything to go by, dating in your 20s these days seems to be very different. Young women have more freedom to have fun with their sexuality without fear of reprisal. It isn't fair but it is what it is.

 

Your therapist is right. If you're looking for a man to marry and settle down with you need to slow things down when it comes to sex. Give the guy time to get to know you and pursue you so he feels you're worth 'catching'.

 

Good luck

[Cutiepie1976]

Edgygirl, I sense a lot of hurt in some of your posts and I really do feel for you. I'm guessing that while I'm slightly younger than you, we date in the same range (I date guys roughly 35-53) and have the same relationship goals (marriage/kids) although my approach is quite different.

 

NinjainPajamas captured the issues perfectly in my mind. I do think there are a few tough questions and issues that you seriously need to address:

 

#1:

You mentioned wanting to have sex to "close the deal" if you liked a guy. Why aren't YOU enough? Why isn't an evening of scintillating conversation with you sufficient to capture and hold his initial interest in you? Why do you feel there is so little there to interest him or captivate him that you feel this urgency to "hook" him with sex if the date went well? Successful relationships and marriage are about far more than sex. What else are you offering him as a relationship partner? Hookers sleep with lots of men every night. No one is beating down their doors trying to marry them. If you have nothing else besides sex to interest the guy, work on your life, your hobbies, your interests, etc. Sex alone will never be sufficient for very long.. .

 

#2

You can't hook a guy with sex! You just can't! Again, I'll let hookers serve as exhibit A. Women get emotionally attached with sex. Guys don't! Sex is just sex to guys. Surely by now, based on what you relate about your history, you should know that. Your hidden agenda to "hook" him and the emotional fallout when he walks away immediately afterwards backfires on you. Ironically, you're the only one hooked! He's moved on to the next candidate.

 

#3

You aren't a prude! Really?!?

 

Unfortunately, you're very much acting like a prude after doing the deed! It was supposed to be a no-strings fun romp. You don't get to change the rules after the fact! You can't have it both ways! If you have other expectations, when you suggest sleeping with a guy on date #1, you need to be clear about that. For some reason, you feel he automatically "owes" you, a virtual stranger when he sleeps with you. If it's prudish to put constraints on sexual behavior, then it's just as prudish to decide it's not "free love" after all and that people now owe you after they've engaged in said behavior.

 

YOU offered sex up at the end of date#1. It was a spontaneous, free-wheeling, fun-loving, free-flowing, casual sex encounter. Just dragging him back to your place for a spur-of-the-moment, "naughty," no-strings nightcap. After the romp, suddenly strings spontaneously appear and expectations abound.

 

Come on! Two adults. He bought you a nice meal, provided charming conversation and an evening of distraction, and you BOTH then agreed to have casual sex immediately afterwards. He didn't even have to suggest it. You offered! There was no mention of future obligation. Why does he suddenly owe you more? What exactly is it that he owes you anyway? A guarantee to have a second date? A commitment to date you for x time period or y times now that he slept with you? An automatic agreement to be your boyfriend? Aren't these expectations prudish?? That a man who sleeps with you somehow dishonors you if he doesn't observe some undefined "obligation" to you? So much for the illusion of "really cool, carefree, fun girl" and free sex you tried to sell during the date!

 

#4

You've been at these ONS for a while. Is it generally working for you? Is it generally taking you where you want to go? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

 

 

You don't have to respond to any of these questions publicly in this thread necessarily. You should at least answer them in your mind and give them some thought.

 

Dating is hard and can be frustrating even when you do everything right. I think you're taking a productive step by examining what you're doing, asking lots of questions about how you might want to do things differently, etc. You do seem like a really great person. I do hope you find happiness and what you're looking for.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[todreaminblue]

This is a contradiction I see out of a lot of women...

 

"I'm really picky" buuut..."I've slept with a lot of men"...

 

To me that's like saying, "I'm really selective about the cars I drive...so I only drive the cars that use gas"

 

 

 

Picky could mean a maintained relationship with one man.....it is quite possible too have an extensive history sexually but change your outlook in life......and to develop reserves .....and therefore become picky.....

 

 

it is also possible to have made mistakes and for that reason become picky....

 

or in some cases women who have tried nearly everything realized that it is really stuffed up way to live with zero satisfaction, fulfillment or destiny to have longevity or personal growth and then actually become bored and discontent with variety and wanting quality not quantity

 

 

women become picky in wanting a guy who you can spend the rest of their life with ....for that reason you know that you have to be attracted to that person you have to share the same ideals and values and hopes for the future and have some very close and shared interests similar passions and traits...therefore it becomes much more limited ie picky....so you can be picky that way i guess.....i liked your post by the way it was very thoughtful.....long and detailed.....thanks for posting it was insightful to read.....deb

[Emilia]

What I meant is that men think sex is their right but not a woman's right. So many women are advised here to not have sex even if it means celibacy for months or years when men are advised to take any opportunity to enjoy their sexuality. Its bull****.

 

It's not that it's not a woman's right, it's that women need to be more careful and smarter whom they have sex with. I went through a one night stand period and I enjoyed it. I knew what it was though, I was travelling for a long time, was only back in London for a few months, etc. Not exactly the time for relationships.

 

However, now that I want a relationship, I'm fussier whom I talk to and I look for connection. I don't sleep with guys straight away, go for long periods without sex in fact, I watch out for their character, what they want, how they handle me or life, what their boundaries are. Women have to take responsibility for the emotional well being and not throw themselves at men thinking that they will be somehow appreciated necessarily. People are people. They judge you. As an ex of mine said once: "if you want to be in a relationship, you need to behave like someone who is worth having a relationship with"

 

I dunno how you came to conclusion that the op must be having so many issues. She doesn't, she just enjoys sex like so many men out there. What she needs to understand is that a lot of men are insecure and hypocritical or just incapable of keeping up their interest after early sex and she needs to find a way to deal with these things.

 

A 40 year old woman (speaking as one who is the same age) who feels she NEEDS to sleep with men on the first date has issues. Exactly as Ninja explained. His posts are spot on. Might be on the negative side but spot on.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Emilia

[phineas]

i'll be 41.

I got no problem waiting 3 to 4 weeks for sex because I know if a woman is into me it will just happen in that time period.

I'd be willing to wait longer if she gave good head or had a nice rack to stroke between.

 

Of course i'll return the favor.

 

It's when a woman wants to monopolize my time, keep tabs on me, expect exclusivity, and lot's of cuddling early on without even seeing her naked that I get annoyed & walk away.

[edgygirl]

Hey guys thanks for all the responses. But, calm down.

 

As you can see, I spoke from my heart and you guys read too much into every single word.

 

Why am I picky? Because my HEART is picky although my body has had desire in the past. I do love sex and FYI I have had lots of short relationships (one nights stands or mainly sexual) when I was YOUNGER, not so much so in the last 6 years, when I've been trying to find the one. Still, if it wasn't for life goals reasons, I am very sexual and could easily have sex like a man does without thinking too much, if the desire is there for me. But my heart... this only goes in VERY special occasions, with VERY special people. I do find myself to be picky with my heart although most people would not understand this seemingly disconnection.

 

I do not feel I need to "trap" a guy with sex or so. It's more that when I'm really interested in someone that I've been talking for a while, besides being hard for me to resist because I am VERY sexual specially when interested in someone (maybe I do have a masculine way of dealing with things, I have strong desire etc.), I kind of also want to know if we match sexually instead of dragging it for several dates just to be disappointed later. I know it's a skewed way of thinking that doesn't help in (MOST) cases, and that's why I'm here trying to hear from you and reprogram my brain to feel and think differently.

 

Also, I am from a country where sex is an easy going and passionate thing. Most people don't judge you for having desires.

 

I do not fell I NEED to sleep with every guy I date. What I meant is I can't resist in the case there has been a great connection before meeting (in the last case i.e. I talked with someone everyday for 2 months before meeting as he was in a nearby city) and plus a lot of chemistry after meeting the person.

 

FYI, this last guy I was with, and who prompted me to rethink things these days, as I am pissed that he seems less eager now and I really wanted to get to know him better, it's not like I offered and he didn't have to try, etc... come on, things don't work like that. And there were a few issues that happened before as to why he had to stay at my place in this specific case that I won't go into here.

 

Hmm it's not that I've been doing the same thing and expecting different results. The last guy I dated on and off for a year before this one I slept with in the first date, fell in love with me deeply and wanted to marry me. (Unfortunately there were a few issues that in my mind made us incompatible for a relationship and I broke up with him). My post states that... that most of my behavior comes from believing that the right guy for me won't think sleeping in the first or second date, because there's a lot of desire, is an issue per se. As it hasn't been with a few important relationships I have had.

 

I came here because I think I have to reprogram my brain to think in a different way and adapt to potential guys who do biologically or emotionally or whatever feel that this IS an issue. Although the last guy I was with was SUPER into me writing me and contacting everyday and we had great attraction after meeting et all, it's clear that doing it so soon screwed a potential great relationship. And I don't want this to happen again.

 

In January I met a guy who I was similarly interested. I held off on sex even after he cooked for me, following friends and therapist advice. What happened? He disappeared although we had great chemistry. I know you will all say he was only into having sex etc... but seriously I also feel that it's too prudish to hold sex when there's a lot of chemistry and I don't know how to make that magic that apparently other women do to make them wait and keep them fascinated at the same time. I just don't. I am fun, interesting, a few people tell me I am (still) very pretty even at 40, I can make a date fun, but no matter what I do, things don't work when there's sex withholding from my side... maybe that's why I feel that having sex and not withholding my desire is, for me, usually, a better way to go about it as, for me, that's when it does work and has worked.

 

Please continue posting as it's giving me food for thought and enlightenment.

[edgygirl]

hmm

I'll give you an example from my last "relationship". after talking for 2 months with someone (online etc as he lives in another city) who CLEARLY wanted to get to know me, my interests, me as a person, called/emailed or texted me every single day... I would expect this man to be interested in me for a relationship, yes. To get to know me for a potential relationship. And not to sleep with me and become cold the next day. I know we're biologically and evolutionary different, but honestly I feel with a few men this is more cultural, what makes them not be turned on anymore by a woman they already took to bed. It's not as if he wasn't turn on by me - we did it SIX times in one night/morning.

 

What I am trying to say is that a few men are contradictory. They somehow just lose interest even if they were interested before. Purely because of having had sex and losing the mystery or whatnot. I on the contrary feel sex is something that helps bring people even more together. I do feel I am evolutionary more developed (LOL) in this sense. But it's just not the way things work for most men, unfortunately.

 

Wis

 

How are men being hyprocrites or think its their right?

 

Man wanted sex w woman, woman wanted sex w man...is that not an equal and conscious decision and exchange right? According to "equality".

 

Oh but woman gets to decide whether he's just for fun, short term or has long term potential...but when a man decides it was just sex...which it was right? But woman wanted a relationship now the man is a jerk? Wait a minute, isn't it your right to have sexw who and whenever you want...or only when the woman is in control or else the man is just simply making a hypocritical decision because he didn't want more?

 

So if men treat sex as sex but women have sex but expected it to turn into more than clearly it is the mans fault for not wanting more...when if were being equal here isn't is his right to walk away because you're a big girl and can have sex when and who you want?

 

Women have to make the decision....whether to be and act like men for the sake of equality and sexual release, or be taken more seriously by showing the man you expect to be...otherwise at that point its just two people mutually having sex right? Who's the hyprocrite expecting more? Men didn't change the game unless they lied, which cmon how old do you have to be to realixe men would lie for sex...but if they didn't and you just had sex out of sexual desire...then why doesn't a man have the right to go cold? What does he owe you for making the same decision and act you did? You both had sex...transaction complete..he walked away, so can you...don't like it then do something about it...you control your own body, don't blame men for sexing you up when you did the same.

 

Women love to avoid responsibilty and accountability so they can continiue to blame men for their problems/issues.

 

Hood luck!

[crude]

Always stereotypes. Maybe some women like sex and aren't having it to keep a man, maybe some men want to wait longer than the 1st date, maybe women aren't auditioning to be treated like a potential wife, and maybe men don't lose respect for a woman who's easy like themselves. I wouldn't have sex on the 1st date because it's a total stranger, but a woman who's playing a game of withholding it because I supposedly need to chase a hard to get woman is simply annoying.

[Emilia]

hmm

I'll give you an example from my last "relationship". after talking for 2 months with someone (online etc as he lives in another city) who CLEARLY wanted to get to know me, my interests, me as a person, called/emailed or texted me every single day... I would expect this man to be interested in me for a relationship, yes. To get to know me for a potential relationship. And not to sleep with me and become cold the next day. I know we're biologically and evolutionary different, but honestly I feel with a few men this is more cultural, what makes them not be turned on anymore by a woman they already took to bed. It's not as if he wasn't turn on by me - we did it SIX times in one night/morning.

 

You got blinded by his romancing of you. Did you learn much about HIM? That's the key. Not his flattering your ego to get you into bed - which is exactly what happened.

 

You have just proved Ninja's point that you date emotionally unavailable men. Until you recognise this, you will be unsuccessful in finding a long term partner because you will keep picking the unsuitable men.

 

What I am trying to say is that a few men are contradictory. They somehow just lose interest even if they were interested before. Purely because of having had sex and losing the mystery or whatnot. I on the contrary feel sex is something that helps bring people even more together. I do feel I am evolutionary more developed (LOL) in this sense. But it's just not the way things work for most men, unfortunately.

 

Sex can bring people closer together but there has to be so much more for it to work. To be honest, sex is much better when that something else (ie a connection) is there. Not sure how the above counts as 'evolutionarily more developed' since your man-picker appears to be off.

[Emilia]

Always stereotypes. Maybe some women like sex and aren't having it to keep a man, maybe some men want to wait longer than the 1st date, maybe women aren't auditioning to be treated like a potential wife, and maybe men don't lose respect for a woman who's easy like themselves. I wouldn't have sex on the 1st date because it's a total stranger, but a woman who's playing a game of withholding it because I supposedly need to chase a hard to get woman is simply annoying.

 

I don't even date someone unless I think the two of us have potential. By the time I have that drink with him I know whether there is something beyond sex. It's doing your home work, nothing to do with chasing.

[maybealone]

after talking for 2 months with someone (online etc as he lives in another city) who CLEARLY wanted to get to know me, my interests, me as a person, called/emailed or texted me every single day... I would expect this man to be interested in me for a relationship, yes. To get to know me for a potential relationship.

 

I'm a little older than you and I haven't been single again for very long, but one thing I have already learned is that texting/calling/emailing is no barometer of relationship interest. Some guys just like the attention, others might find it easier to play the "I want to get to know you" game with a goal of sex from afar, others might have other reasons. I no longer consider anyone as really trying to get to know me until we have physically met.

 

Another thing to remember is a lot of guys simply put in waaaay less effort after sex. So you thinking they go cold could be them just knowing they have you and there is no longer the need for constant texting/calling/emailing. That's another reason why waiting a little bit can be good -- you feel a bit more secure about there actually being some sort of a relationship so the lack of effort doesn't feel threatening.

[DC4]

I struggle with this one as I fall on both sides of the fence. I'm 43 by the way.

 

A) I really like having sex. If I am on a date with someone I find attractive it becomes distracting. Usually by the time I'm ripping clothes off I've spent time phoning back and forth or in the last case, it was the third date. My vagina does the talking and my brain doesn't chime in until the morning. Should I have waited? Probably. Could I? Probably not. At least I knew up front these last two guys were totally unavailable for a serious relationship so there weren't any surprises.

 

B) I meet a guy I could be serious with. I truly feel I should take it slow and let things cultivate as someone said. I don't want to sorta use someone for sex when I should be taking them more seriously and that's sort of what I'm doing now. I don't feel too badly about it since I'm sure they are doing the same. Luckily we like each other so we still have fun.

 

UGH.

[Ruby Slippers]

If you're looking for a man to marry and settle down with you need to slow things down when it comes to sex. Give the guy time to get to know you and pursue you so he feels you're worth 'catching'.

True. People value what they have to work to get - and this goes double when it comes to men and sex. I've noticed that men tend to fixate on and get emotionally worked up the most by the women that they really liked but rejected them - the ones that got away.

[edgygirl]

ugh yes this is probably human nature in general.

 

still, it's so pathetic.

 

I hate playing games. and at this age, if I have something good on my hands, I can tell it!

 

True. People value what they have to work to get - and this goes double when it comes to men and sex. I've noticed that men tend to fixate on and get emotionally worked up the most by the women that they really liked but rejected them - the ones that got away.

[Ruby Slippers]

ugh yes this is probably human nature in general.

 

still, it's so pathetic.

 

I hate playing games. and at this age, if I have something good on my hands, I can tell it!

It's just the way it is.

 

Holding off on sex for a couple of months is not that big a deal. And once you've established an emotional connection, the sex is way better, because he actually cares about you by that point and wants to make sure you feel good.

 

If it's a match, you'll be having great sex for years - so what's a couple of months to find out if you're a good match?

[edgygirl]

I don't think most men would wait more than 2 dates and still stick around.

 

Maybe is the big big city I live in. There are so many options here.

 

I know, you guys will say if he doesn't stick around he's not worth it. but, is it true? not sure.

 

It's just the way it is.

 

Holding off on sex for a couple of months is not that big a deal. And once you've established an emotional connection, the sex is way better, because he actually cares about you by that point and wants to make sure you feel good.

 

If it's a match, you'll be having great sex for years - so what's a couple of months to find out if you're a good match?

[DC4]

I don't think most men would wait more than 2 dates and still stick around.

 

Maybe is the big big city I live in. There are so many options here.

 

They really will if they like you. I can guarantee you that!