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First Love trauma, how to build relationship with someone who has it?

twentytwo

By twentytwo
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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hey. iv been seeing this guy, we have this weird relationship.

two years ago he had a really painfully break up from his first love who was cheating on him, the relationship meant everything in the world to him, he was really sincere, but the girl dumped him in a worst way possible.

from what i see he has the first love trauma and now acts it out on other girls, devaluating any kind of romantic relationship and commitment but desperately seeking for one.

 

this is not the first time i'v seen situation like this. it seems like for guys their first love experience seems to determine all future relationship patterns, especially if the girl he loved cheated on him or treated him really bad.

 

i care for this guy very much but i know that it makes no sense being companioned and "sacrifice" myself for him treating him with understanding and stuff like that when he just acts out his bad relationship patterns and experiences on me. Now i have a question, how do you psychologically help out a person overcome such trauma? How can you break the patterns without being all cheesy and "understandind", "unconditionaly loving" and coping with all the bad stuff he acts out and how he behaves? because engaging in a relationship with someone like that is basically self-destruction.

there must be some research, books on this topic? i mean psychology books regarding the first love trauma lets say, and how to behave oneself with a person who has it (not overcome it yourself)

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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You can't... they have to work it out on their own...

 

If you care for him as you say, you need to throw him back in the ocean and let him figure it out on his own... otherwise you will be collateral damage

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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yeah, i know that is exactly what i am doing.

i am not talking about how to "fix his brain" god forbid!

but he keeps coming back to me all the time seeking for the comfort and love he can not really accept.

thats what i meant by strange relationship.

 

the question is how to show that i really care for him without self districting myself?

ReadMyThread Established Member

ReadMyThread

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yeah, i know that is exactly what i am doing.

i am not talking about how to "fix his brain" god forbid!

but he keeps coming back to me all the time seeking for the comfort and love he can not really accept.

thats what i meant by strange relationship.

 

the question is how to show that i really care for him without self districting myself?

 

How old are you two? With what happened to me (the same as what happened with his first love. Probably worse) I can tell you EXACTLY how he feels right now. I was going to make a thread about it and after tearing your thread makes me want to make it too. I'll tell you how. I just need I know how old he is and you are.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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yeah, i know that is exactly what i am doing.

i am not talking about how to "fix his brain" god forbid!

but he keeps coming back to me all the time seeking for the comfort and love he can not really accept.

thats what i meant by strange relationship.

 

the question is how to show that i really care for him without self districting myself?

 

You push him away... you know you have to

 

Emotionally unavailable people are emotional vacuums... if its bad, suggest therapy... and let him go

Edited by CptSaveAho
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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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hes 22 im 24

basically hes in self-distruct mode himself right now, and i think that its getting worse with years. he had numerus careless relationships since his break up and tells he will not fall in love ever again, stuff like that. he is still angry and hating on his first love and mentions it from time to time.

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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hes 22 im 24

basically hes in self-distruct mode himself right now, and i think that its getting worse with years. he had numerus careless relationships since his break up and tells he will not fall in love ever again, stuff like that. he is still angry and hating on his first love and mentions it from time to time.

 

sounds normal to me...

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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You push him away... you know you have to

 

Emotionally unavailable people are emotional vacuums... if its bad, suggest therapy... and let him go

 

fare enough. this is my main plan,

but i was just musing about this theme as an abstract, because it is not the first time im encountering something like that.

its **** to understand someones pain and being ready to comfort them but cold-minded knowing this will not help, so you just let go.

i was just interested to dig some more information on similar stuff.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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sounds normal to me...

what do you mean?

ReadMyThread Established Member

ReadMyThread

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hes 22 im 24

basically hes in self-distruct mode himself right now, and i think that its getting worse with years. he had numerus careless relationships since his break up and tells he will not fall in love ever again, stuff like that. he is still angry and hating on his first love and mentions it from time to time.

 

Oooooooooooooooh boy. This guy sounds EXACTLY like me right now. You came to the right place lol. Listen to me, YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY. He will only hurt you in the end. It's doomed already. This guy sounds exactly like me and I will tell you why he feels this way as I do too.

 

Well first off, he still has feelings for his first love! That's a given. You said he brings her up (or what she did) from time to time. This means he still has feeligs for her. He will tell you he "hates" his ex but really what it means is he loves ex still or still has feeling for her. If he didn't, he wouldn't bring what happened up or her and he wouldn't say he hates her or as you say "hating on her". He is NOT over his first love.

 

Second, with everything that girl put him througj he is now terrified of falling in love again because he does not want to get hurt the way his first love hurt him. The only way avoiding that happening is by NOT falling in love. Hence him telling you he will never fall in love again. His first love destroyed him. She hurt him so bad that now he is now scared to develop feelings for another girl because he is scared to commit to a person thinking he will get hurt again.

 

That's where the "short careless relationships" come into play. They are short and careless because 1. He doesn't want to fall in love which is the careless part and 2. He doesn't want to get hurt so he breaks it off before it gets serious which is the reason they were short relationships.

 

Okay that pretty much explains what he is feeling right now as I am. What is it you need help with? How you can get him to NOT feel like this or how to protect yourself you won't get hurt? Because believe me, continuing with this guy will only hurt you more when it's over.

Edited by ReadMyThread
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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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oh hey this is awsome! can we talk about this? this is exactly how i see the situation. but talking to someone who actually knows how it is would help me to sort my thoughts and make the right thing

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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ReadMyThread - first of all thank you for what you just wrote! This is exactly how i see the situation, but this was only my random thought not really proven by any means.

I fully understand that he loves his first girl still, i fully understand all the careless relationship stuff. and the funny thing that his sincere and unconditional love to his first girl is proportional to unreal amount of careless relationships he had. This is all fine by me, i fully understand it.

I must say i am not obsessively in love with him or whatever, i dont have plans for him to be my proper boyfriend or to "work this out". I just feel so much in relation to him in all the ways possible and i would really sincerely would like to get him to NOT feel like this. Without forcing any help on him. Without meaninglessly destructing myself (because that wouldn't help him and wouldn't help me)

I hope this makes sense?

I absolutely understand that he will only hurt me if this will proceed, so i am ok with geting away from him. I must say i tried to do this not once telling him to go away and stuff like that, but he keeps coming back, with different reasons, sometimes just leaving stuff at my place so he can come back to collect it e.t.c

So anyway, i am ok with geting away from him, i understand the necessity of it, but i would like to get him not feel like that anymore.

ReadMyThread Established Member

ReadMyThread

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ReadMyThread - first of all thank you for what you just wrote! This is exactly how i see the situation, but this was only my random thought not really proven by any means.

I fully understand that he loves his first girl still, i fully understand all the careless relationship stuff. and the funny thing that his sincere and unconditional love to his first girl is proportional to unreal amount of careless relationships he had. This is all fine by me, i fully understand it.

I must say i am not obsessively in love with him or whatever, i dont have plans for him to be my proper boyfriend or to "work this out". I just feel so much in relation to him in all the ways possible and i would really sincerely would like to get him to NOT feel like this. Without forcing any help on him. Without meaninglessly destructing myself (because that wouldn't help him and wouldn't help me)

I hope this makes sense?

I absolutely understand that he will only hurt me if this will proceed, so i am ok with geting away from him. I must say i tried to do this not once telling him to go away and stuff like that, but he keeps coming back, with different reasons, sometimes just leaving stuff at my place so he can come back to collect it e.t.c

So anyway, i am ok with geting away from him, i understand the necessity of it, but i would like to get him not feel like that anymore.

 

Oh it totally makes sense! He is scarred for life because of his ex and he can't commit to someone because he is terrified. You want him to get over this fear (and his ex) so he become who he use to be before his ex changed his life and how he sees relationships so he can give girls an ACTUALY chance of being in a serious relationship because you are interested in him and have things in common with him. But you dont want to help him get over that fear and his ex right? Lol. Like I said, you came to the right place. Your practically talking to him when your talking to me...

 

Okay. Here we go. Now, if he keeps coming around to you for support or comfort IT MEANS HE LIKES YOU. He just doest want to hurt you and knows he would. Take it from me, ive talked to one girl since my ex turned me into this kind of person and I use to do the same thing to that girl that he is doing to you. I would text her for like 4 days, go on a date with her then not talk to her for like 3 days and she would ask me why i wasnt talking to her anymore. This happened like 3 times. I would tell her i was scared and didnt want to hurt her and lead her on. Why did i tell her this? I really told her this because i still love my ex and it wouldnt have been fair to her. I know i would have hurt her so i let her go.

 

I fear i will be like this guy forever but to be honest i will tell you the ONLY thing that will get ME to not feel like this and might apply to him. The ONLY thing that would ever me to not feel like this is to find a girl who is better than my ex. Looks better, acts better, overall better. But not just that. YOU WILL HAVE TO HELP HIM! lol. Once I would find that girl I would tell her BEFORE we got together like this, I would say something like look,"I'm still very hurt/heartbroken from my last relationship but I really like you. Alot. I was wondering if we could take things slowly and be together." or some bull**** like that lol. Then I would tell her I DO need her help! Trust me he needs your help lol. It's the only way he will get over it. If he really likes you and wants to be but is scared and you really like him you have to help him along the way. Take it from me. If my next GF (if theirs one lol) if she doesn't help me, it's not going to workout lol. My ex tore me apart and I'm sure his did. You need to help him and I mean by being VERY understanding and tell him things he wants to hear and mean them! Things like, "I know your ex hurt you tremendously and you are still hurt by it but I can help you. I don't want hurt you and I won't hurt you. Give me a chance to really show you how it is to love again. I won't hurt you like she did." <------ if a girl told me that RIGHT NOW...ID MARRY HER! Lol jk but I would for sure like to persue things with her and make her my REAL GF but along with taking things slowly with my guard up. As things would progress that guard would come down and eventually I'd get over that fear and fall in love again. Ugh this sounds like a dream I'm waiting to happen lol. Where ARE YOU! I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER!!! Lol. Jk. But that would be the best way to do it I see it as I am feeling and going through what he is. But he would REALLY have to like you because that girl I kept texting and dating but then stopped I didn't like her. Why? She wasn't better than my ex lol. See.

 

Do things his ex wouldn't! That would help a lot! Top his ex and you will break that fear.

 

Listen to this song called, "Take Care" by Drake and Rihanna. It relates to this identically. Hell, send that song to him and he will love it! lol. I know I would.

 

Bottom line, if he's like me, he needs your help. It may sound sad I know but with what his ex and my ex did to us seriously kills us. You have no idea how this feels and it's unbearable. Help is needed!

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movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

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Personally I would wish him the best and let him go. He's not ready for another relationship.

 

It took me - literally - 3 years before I was ready to be a relationship after I broke up with my ex. But because I gave myself a lot of time to get my head together, it meant that when I felt ready, I knew I was ready. I was ready to make a commitment and I was ready to risk getting hurt again.

 

In contrast, from what I know of my ex, he was dating the whole time, never sorted himself out, and he was, and still is, unhappy in his relationships.

 

He's not ready. Nothing *you* can do can help him get ready. He needs time to work out how to be happy on his own before he can happy with someone else. Often people who have had a very bad break up *aren't* happy on their own, they are miserable and/or trying to find a replacement to take the place of their ex.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care for you, I'm sure he does. But I think you need to let him go for a while until he's comfortable being in a relationship.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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Personally I would wish him the best and let him go. He's not ready for another relationship.

 

It took me - literally - 3 years before I was ready to be a relationship after I broke up with my ex. But because I gave myself a lot of time to get my head together, it meant that when I felt ready, I knew I was ready. I was ready to make a commitment and I was ready to risk getting hurt again.

 

In contrast, from what I know of my ex, he was dating the whole time, never sorted himself out, and he was, and still is, unhappy in his relationships.

 

He's not ready. Nothing *you* can do can help him get ready. He needs time to work out how to be happy on his own before he can happy with someone else. Often people who have had a very bad break up *aren't* happy on their own, they are miserable and/or trying to find a replacement to take the place of their ex.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care for you, I'm sure he does. But I think you need to let him go for a while until he's comfortable being in a relationship.

 

Thank you, yes i know this totally makes sense. I dont really believe he does care for me much but thats not really what i want him to do, he just finds some kind of comfort with me right now. I just see so before the trauma he was a different person, and now he is getting worse and worse, i dont think that he would figure that out easily, but i sincerely hope he will one day! He is not trying to fix his situation i think he is trying to make it worse in some kind of attempt of making his girlfriend look even worse that she was, you know what i mean? Like hes trying to express the huge grief from her cheating on him by destroying himself totally.so everyone will know how bad she was to him.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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Oh it totally makes sense! He is scarred for life because of his ex and he can't commit to someone because he is terrified. You want him to get over this fear (and his ex) so he become who he use to be before his ex changed his life and how he sees relationships so he can give girls an ACTUALY chance of being in a serious relationship because you are interested in him and have things in common with him. But you dont want to help him get over that fear and his ex right? Lol. Like I said, you came to the right place. Your practically talking to him when your talking to me...

 

Yeah totally! but i am not having this long thought of making him ok so he will give girls an actual chance or that he will eventually end up liking/loving me, i want to help him get over his fear and his ex because i want him to just be ok.

Funny i feel like i did come to the right place, since i never post any private stuff anywhere or not even ask advice for it from my friends or whatever. But this time i just felt that this is important to figure out, even if i fail i want to know more and understand more. If you can contact me on twenitwo [at] hotmail.com so we can chat in messenger or exchange emails, that would be beyond awesome!

 

I fear i will be like this guy forever but to be honest i will tell you the ONLY thing that will get ME to not feel like this and might apply to him. The ONLY thing that would ever me to not feel like this is to find a girl who is better than my ex. Looks better, acts better, overall better. But not just that. YOU WILL HAVE TO HELP HIM! lol.

 

I dont really know anything about his ex, i dont know how she was acted or whatever, i just exactly know how he loved here and how he felt after their split up. So i can not make myself *better* and i dont think thers a point in that. I am totally committed to help him, but if only i knew that he needs it from me. Basically if he told me "i need your help" i wouldn't make this thread.

 

Once I would find that girl I would tell her BEFORE we got together like this, I would say something like look,"I'm still very hurt/heartbroken from my last relationship but I really like you. Alot. I was wondering if we could take things slowly and be together." or some bull**** like that lol. Then I would tell her I DO need her help! Trust me he needs your help lol.

i dont think he is ready for saying something like that. Saying something like that = becoming vulnerable. committing in a way, i mean imagine if he said that and i laughed at him or let him down like she did? i dont think he will ever say that he needs help to anyone.

 

It's the only way he will get over it. If he really likes you and wants to be but is scared and you really like him you have to help him along the way. Take it from me. If my next GF (if theirs one lol) if she doesn't help me, it's not going to workout lol. My ex tore me apart and I'm sure his did. You need to help him and I mean by being VERY understanding and tell him things he wants to hear and mean them! Things like, "I know your ex hurt you tremendously and you are still hurt by it but I can help you. I don't want hurt you and I won't hurt you. Give me a chance to really show you how it is to love again. I won't hurt you like she did." <------ if a girl told me that RIGHT NOW...ID MARRY HER! Lol jk

well the awkward thing of the situation i know i want and can do that, but i am not telling him anything because i am afraid that wouldn't help, moreover it will scare him and would put too much pressure on him.

 

but I would for sure like to persue things with her and make her my REAL GF but along with taking things slowly with my guard up. As things would progress that guard would come down and eventually I'd get over that fear and fall in love again. Ugh this sounds like a dream I'm waiting to happen lol. Where ARE YOU! I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER!!! Lol. Jk. But that would be the best way to do it I see it as I am feeling and going through what he is. But he would REALLY have to like you because that girl I kept texting and dating but then stopped I didn't like her. Why? She wasn't better than my ex lol. See.

yeah i know, but again, im not doing this because i have sneaky plan to help him so he falls in love with me. i want to help him, because i really care about him, so this tread is about how to help a person feel better not how to force a relationship on a pour guy

 

Do things his ex wouldn't! That would help a lot! Top his ex and you will break that fear.

i have no idea who she was and what she did.

 

Listen to this song called, "Take Care" by Drake and Rihanna. It relates to this identically. Hell, send that song to him and he will love it! lol. I know I would.

THIS, now me and him are totally not in such music, so i can not send him this. BUT, i accidentally heard it awhile ago and that was the moment i realised all his stuff and problems and i feelt for him so much listening to this! So this is kinda strange coincidence you mentioned it :)

 

Please contact me so we chat i feel like im skiping stuff here on the forum, but i would like to hear your thoughts and view on the overall theme!

bachelorstatus New Member

bachelorstatus

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Another young guy here, 21, emotionally F'd in a major way heart broken from first love.

 

I look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis swearing on my life that I'll never let my guard down again, never going to allow myself to fall in love with another girl, thinking about how low I became when I lost her I know that she meant the world to me and there's no way I can ever allow that to happen again...

 

But, somebody much older and wiser than me told me that I will fall in love again, and it's likely that I'll be heart broken again, my defensive delusion screams "No I Will Not!"... but deep down I know that some day I will...

 

My point, and the way I see your situation is.. if you care enough about him, and it's a good feeling when you ponder the possibility of a future with him... then you should try to win him, that older and wiser person told me that I'll only get over my first love when I've fallen in love with somebody else...

If you try maybe you'll be the one that manages to bring down the wall he's built up... Maybe.

 

But do it for the right reasons, because it's not going to be easy, and don't have him fall for you if you're going to break his heart in the future.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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Another young guy here, 21, emotionally F'd in a major way heart broken from first love.

 

I look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis swearing on my life that I'll never let my guard down again, never going to allow myself to fall in love with another girl, thinking about how low I became when I lost her I know that she meant the world to me and there's no way I can ever allow that to happen again...

 

But, somebody much older and wiser than me told me that I will fall in love again, and it's likely that I'll be heart broken again, my defensive delusion screams "No I Will Not!"... but deep down I know that some day I will...

 

My point, and the way I see your situation is.. if you care enough about him, and it's a good feeling when you ponder the possibility of a future with him... then you should try to win him, that older and wiser person told me that I'll only get over my first love when I've fallen in love with somebody else...

If you try maybe you'll be the one that manages to bring down the wall he's built up... Maybe.

 

But do it for the right reasons, because it's not going to be easy, and don't have him fall for you if you're going to break his heart in the future.

 

bachelorstatus thank you! i was looking for an opinion of guys like you, who are in the same situation as he is. the only thing that comes to my mind regarding his situation is that "his girl completely f*cked his life over".

i just can not help but think that we should have met with him two years earlier, and i would never ever hurt him, he didn't deserve to be hurt like that. I just know that, because i wouldn't even start to explain how i feel for him, and how much in common we have, it is even ridiculous. the possibility of meeting of two so common persons in a way as we are are so low, and yet he doesn't even know that. he doesn't rl understands who am i and what i feel for him. And dont get me wrong im not trying to act this out because i was hurt by someone and want to compensate that experience by helping him. i wasn't hurt by anyone like that, i just feel it because we are so much a like in a way that i can sense it.

and on the other hand i understand how bad his situation is and that my feelings and intentions will not help if i just spil it out on him out of the blue. they will make it worse

i would love to *win* him, but not because i want to be loved by him, because i am afraid that someone else will hurt him again. and i know that i am not going to.

movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

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Thank you, yes i know this totally makes sense. I dont really believe he does care for me much but thats not really what i want him to do, he just finds some kind of comfort with me right now. I just see so before the trauma he was a different person, and now he is getting worse and worse, i dont think that he would figure that out easily, but i sincerely hope he will one day! He is not trying to fix his situation i think he is trying to make it worse in some kind of attempt of making his girlfriend look even worse that she was, you know what i mean? Like hes trying to express the huge grief from her cheating on him by destroying himself totally.so everyone will know how bad she was to him.

 

I understand what you're saying, I just think you need to be very very careful as he's clearly in a very vulnerable place right now. If someone had asked me, after my break up with my ex 'would you like a boyfriend who was better looking and in all other ways better than your ex?' i would have leapt at the chance, thinking that that would be the best way to get over him: find someone else to replace him and show me that I can trust people blah blah. Problem is, I would have become dependent on the new person as my way of blocking out the pain of the ex, and, when the inevitable problems start to arise in the new relationship (and there are *always* problems of some sort) it would have hit me twice as hard. And god knows what would have happened if things hadn't worked out with the new guy.

 

Like I said, there's very little you can do to help him that wouldnt put you at risk of being a replacement, and in the long term that won't help him. Be a friend, be someone to talk to when he needs it, invite him out -with others- to keep him busy. But *don't* try to start/maintain a romantic relationship with him. He has got to get through this on his own or he will never really get through it.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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movingon12 yes i know, but as i told its not really about pushing a relationship on someone who struggles with his past, its more the question of how you can care for someone that he wouldn't be hurt like that anymore.

this is really tricky situation in every way to be honest.

movingon12 Established Member

movingon12

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Well if you're talking about what you can do as a friend the best thing that helped me was finding new friends who couldn't care less about my ex or my break up. They wanted to go out and have fun, they didn't want to 'help' me get over him. I know that sounds harsh but it wasn't. I thought to myself either I stay home. Again. And cry. Again. Alone. Again or I go out with these mad people (work colleagues). And I went out. And they didn't ask me how I was, or if I was ok, or anything. They didn't discuss the past or what had happened or sympathise. It was like I was lying on the ground with a broken leg and they said oh FFS, get up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. So I made myself get up and realised my leg wasn't broken -just sprained. They forced me to move on and stop dwelling on it.

 

But i got confused from your earlier post when I think you said you were seeing him?. No long term, healthy relationship ever started because somebody was 'fixing' the other. I'm very happily married now because I fixed myself before I met my husband - I didn't need him to fix me. The advice that you're being given here: that falling in love with Person B will help you get over Person A is just wrong. You can never really fall in love with Person B until you get over Person A.

 

So what can you do? Be a friend. That's it. Suggest counselling if he really seems to be on a downward spiral. He's in his own hell at the moment and he needs to find his own way out of it.

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twentytwo Member

twentytwo

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movingon12 well first of all yes, we are dating in a way. but he is a really inadequate and crazy person so you couldn't expect any logical behaviour from him. the first love problem was a long time ago and he had some relationships after that but the first one seems to be the problem.

i wasn't looking for a relationship but somehow it happened that we met and got together, he keeps coming back to me and always texts me saying that he misses me and stuff like that, but when hes around he seems to be really ambivalent about everything and emotionally distant. so basically i cant be his *friend*.

hes initiator of the relationship and hes the one who constantly texts me, comes around. i just see that he is seeking for love and comfort but cant quite appreciate that so i dont force anything on him at all except being understanding about his behaviour.

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