Is she Playing or Not interested ?

[truth_seeker]

First off OP, you're really clueless about love or maybe you "are blinded by your infatuation and crush on her."

 

She's clearly not interested in you, but wants to maintain a peaceful and cordial work relationship and environment.

 

Tell us about your office, is it a white collar job and are you her boss? She doesn't want you upset at her and sabatoging her professional work or reputation.

 

Friendly Girls are often "just friendly to everyone" and single guys will mistake that for "flirtation or signs of interest." She might have a boyfriend back home or other guys on her radar.

 

But dating at work is dangerous, especially if the guy can't take a hint and it escalates to "sexual harassment." By all means stop pursuing her! Stay professional. If you go for coffee, stay professional, unless she initiates a kiss or whatever.

 

The "Playing Hard to Get" tactic works, but be prepared to risk your job over this girl. If you are being a creepy stalker, she will have a case to report you to HR.

 

I think you might be wrong, even though what you say is logical. Of course, there are times men will misread a woman's behavior (ie, professional for flirtatious) but she texted him weeks later asking about a date he proposed to her. I don't think that's her trying to be friendly hoping he won't sabotage her reputation. If that were the case, she could approach him at work and merely say "Hi. How's everything?" Instead, she sent a private text message asking him about going on a date. She KNOWS he likes her. She KNOWS by sending that kind of text message he will think she wants to go out with him.

 

That's how I see it.

[TheFinalWord]

Hi,

 

There is this girl at my work place with whom I have been interacting lately. I asked her out for coffee after couple of interactions to which she said-may be some time later.

 

After this we bumped into each other a number of times, talked about something something, and once couple of weeks passed by I reminded her saying that we should get to know each other some time. she said yeah we will.

 

couple of weeks passed by and I asked her out again to catch up on coffee to which she said-shall we do it tomorrow ? I said -yeah sure and I told her that this time you should inform me whenever you are free and we will go for it. Next day She never asked me out, I kept waiting.

 

Both the time she offered me a rain check , her excuse was that she is busy. I agree with her to some extent but not that she can't take out 10 minutes ??

 

Couple of days later we bump into each other and she talks as if nothing as happened..!

 

Questions:

1. Is she just playing around with me to see how far can I go ?

2. Did I give her indication of interest to early and she is gone for good ?

3. Is she absolutely not interested in me to take this casual chats any further and is only being a polite coworker by not shunning me off boldly?

 

Actions:

4. Should I let her know clearly that I like her and would like to know her more ? Doesn't she get this already through my repeating offers ?

5. Should I confront her saying that she shouldn't promise something if she doesn't mean it?

6. Should I ask her if she is absolutely not interested in me-she can tell it on my face, rather than being polite. ?

 

Work place romances are typically ill-advised.

 

Just use common sense when gauging intention. You already know that if someone is cancelling all the time, they are making excuses. You are not a priority, or believe me, time would not be an issue. I have had dates with girls that work 100+ hours a week. If someone wants something bad enough, they will make time.

 

One big rule for asking a girl out: you only do it once. If they say no (anything other than a clear "yes" is a no), then you stop. If she says yes, but is shady afterwards (i.e. making excuses, forgets to contact you, gets "busy", she can never make time) you stop. Don't make a big deal out of it either. Just leave her be. Otherwise you come off as needy and controlling. If you ask her out, she knows you're interested. There is no need to keep reminding her. If you keep pressing, you will remove any sliver of interest she may have in you.

 

If she cancels and doesn't put in an effort to re-schedule, then just drop it. Don't keep asking her out. Don't fall into the trap that "oh she is busy and and I just have to keep trying". There is a saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

Please watch:

 

 

With the coffee text, who knows. There are too many unknown variables in her life for anyone to know. However, the rules still apply. If you ask her out, she says no, move on. If you ask her out, she says yes, then cancels, acts aloof, makes excuses, move on. If she contacts you after, just be very clear that you will let her schedule since she is so busy. Let her set the time/date and location. The onus is on her at that point. If she has a job, she had to schedule and arrive for an interview. So she has the ability to make an appointment (which is what a date basically is). She is capable.

 

Personally, I think you're better off. Work place romances are convenient and it is easy to build a relationship. But if they don't work out, it makes for an awkward experience. Her rejection is a blessing in disguise.

[phineas]

No it isn't.

 

Well, if you went out a few times & she said "let's just be friends" i'd tell her I had enough friends.

 

If she jerked me around, played game like OP's girl i'd disregard.

 

If we went out once & she said she just wanted to be friends I can care less.

 

Usually because I treat them like my guy friends & tell them the same things I tell my guy friends & eventually they wind up sleeping with me.

 

Getting a GF & staying friends with them, then breaking up is usually the nail in the coffin.

[eternal.denied84]

Alright, so now this girl is driving me crazy.I thought that it will not be a good to ignore her message and so I decide to reply to her as an act of kindness and ofcourse because I like her. So, I gave her two options-either coffee in morning or catchup on drinks in the evening. I even told her to be free if neither of the two offer sounds good and say NO without any hesitation.

 

Result- I am yet to listen from her which means she has ignored my message and I am sure that she has definitely seen it. Seriously what am I doing wrong here ?

 

I was doing fine until she came back and reminded me of my offer and when I got back to her - she blows me again ?? hell No what kind of girl is she ?

 

what should I do- just ignore her here onwards or ask her politely for why is she doing this ?..

[phineas]

You ignore.

Better yet, when she comes back a week later tell her your are seeing someone & no longer interested.

[RedHead33]

Read all responses. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Play all cool, don't mention if you ever see her, and if she mention say you're really busy to text you next week. Hate wo/men that play those stupid games.

[truth_seeker]

what should I do- just ignore her here onwards or ask her politely for why is she doing this ?..

 

No point in asking. Ignore her unless she makes the effort to contact you and tells you why. Still, be polite to her and don't go out of your way to be a jerk. Just act liked you never asked her out unless of course she brings it up.

[jcrew11]

Alright, so now this girl is driving me crazy.I thought that it will not be a good to ignore her message and so I decide to reply to her as an act of kindness and ofcourse because I like her. So, I gave her two options-either coffee in morning or catchup on drinks in the evening. I even told her to be free if neither of the two offer sounds good and say NO without any hesitation.

 

Result- I am yet to listen from her which means she has ignored my message and I am sure that she has definitely seen it. Seriously what am I doing wrong here ?

 

I was doing fine until she came back and reminded me of my offer and when I got back to her - she blows me again ?? hell No what kind of girl is she ?

 

what should I do- just ignore her here onwards or ask her politely for why is she doing this ?..

 

Why does it have to be a coffee date? Can you just go to a group happy hour with work friends? She clearly doesn't want to be alone with you on a date; and she's clearly not interested in dating you.

 

She's trying to be professional and prevent you from being moody at work. She's not attracted to you. She might have a boyfriend. Or maybe you just aren't good looking or your personality isn't fun. I think you might be "getting too serious with the coffee date" and go for group activities. Sounds to me you might be the "silent stalker type" that is scaring girls away rather than being the "fun, friendly, flirtatious" guy that girls like. You get angry and stop talking to her is a sign of an "unhappy and unprofessional guy," which makes you look unattractive.

 

She sounds like the happy, friendly girl that a lot of guys are drawn to; but she's just being nice to co-workers and she's not interested in anything more.

 

My advice, forget about her, and pursue other women. It might make her jealous enough to date you, then you'll have more than 2 women to choose from.

[eternal.denied84]

Why does it have to be a coffee date? Can you just go to a group happy hour with work friends? She clearly doesn't want to be alone with you on a date; and she's clearly not interested in dating you.

 

She's trying to be professional and prevent you from being moody at work. She's not attracted to you. She might have a boyfriend. Or maybe you just aren't good looking or your personality isn't fun. I think you might be "getting too serious with the coffee date" and go for group activities. Sounds to me you might be the "silent stalker type" that is scaring girls away rather than being the "fun, friendly, flirtatious" guy that girls like. You get angry and stop talking to her is a sign of an "unhappy and unprofessional guy," which makes you look unattractive.

 

She sounds like the happy, friendly girl that a lot of guys are drawn to; but she's just being nice to co-workers and she's not interested in anything more.

 

My advice, forget about her, and pursue other women. It might make her jealous enough to date you, then you'll have more than 2 women to choose from.

 

I think what you have penned down could be accurate. I misunderstood her coming back and reminding me for coffee as 'she might be interested in me' .

 

Recently,I committed a mistake that I have been fearing for a long time now. I actually asked her -'are you ignoring me intentionally ?' lol I dont know what was I expecting out of this..obviously she said No and she ignored all my messages immediately after this.

 

I texted her asking 'if we can talk out this because I will be gone soon and probably we will never meet again so I don't want to go with a wrong conception'. She hasn't replied to this and I guess she is not going to reply ever.

 

I think I have creeped her out by being needy, clingy, and complaining and I have ruined whatever(if any) chance I had with this girl.

 

Question ?

 

She is on my fb list and its affecting my life. I am constantly feeling rejected and insulted. Should I go ahead to unfriend & block her. We got mutual friends so eventually she will come to know that I have unfriended her but I don't care about that.All I care about is how to become sane again.

 

Would this give her a message that I was a looser and will I loose any respect she might have had for me ?

 

Its extremely difficult for me to act and stay cool because its freaking me out that someone has kept ignoring me and I have acted like a fool, stupid idiot..and what not .

 

I know people in this forum are very mature and intelligent that's why I am writing it down here before I take any further extreme steps..

 

Sighs.

[truth_seeker]

She definitely messed with you by sending that text asking about going out for coffee. JCrew11, with all due respect, you're wrong. This girl knew he wanted to go out, and she ignored. So he did the right thing and ignored her and she comes back weeks later asking him about the "coffee date". That's on her for giving him the impression she wanted to go out. Her motive is unknown. She felt rejected and wanted attention? She was testing the waters? She wanted to know if he was angry or not?

 

As for FB. Man, I've been there with this FB bullsh-t. Can you alter your privacy settings so she can't come up on your feeds or see portions of your updates? Try that first.

 

I recommend to not do the childish and immature move of deleting and blocking. It reeks of insecurity. You will look like an angry loser. Really, that's what girl's do. You're going to have to man up, put on a good strong face and act like she doesn't bother you.

 

As far as the messaging and coming off as desperate and clingy, I've been in a similar situation. You're not desperate. You just want to get a clear cut answer and this girl is being stupid about it. She made it confusing and thinks she can just put things out there and disappear without giving an answer. She is in the wrong.

 

I know you feel terrible, but it's really on her for messing with you by sending that text. In time you will get passed this.

[TheZebra]

Yeah, the best thing you could've done after she sent you the text about coffee was to say something positive (although phineas' text would've been the best if I remember correctly) and then just continued to ignore. Just block her on FB and move on with your life and in the future, if a woman isn't replying to 1-2 messages, stop communicating and wait for them to contact you. IMO, there's nothing worse than when a guy (or anyone - women included) won't stop sending me repeated messages. I'm much more likely to reply if they've only sent me 1 message than if they've sent me 3-4.

[eternal.denied84]

She definitely messed with you by sending that text asking about going out for coffee. JCrew11, with all due respect, you're wrong. This girl knew he wanted to go out, and she ignored. So he did the right thing and ignored her and she comes back weeks later asking him about the "coffee date". That's on her for giving him the impression she wanted to go out. Her motive is unknown. She felt rejected and wanted attention? She was testing the waters? She wanted to know if he was angry or not?

 

As for FB. Man, I've been there with this FB bullsh-t. Can you alter your privacy settings so she can't come up on your feeds or see portions of your updates? Try that first.

 

I recommend to not do the childish and immature move of deleting and blocking. It reeks of insecurity. You will look like an angry loser. Really, that's what girl's do. You're going to have to man up, put on a good strong face and act like she doesn't bother you.

 

As far as the messaging and coming off as desperate and clingy, I've been in a similar situation. You're not desperate. You just want to get a clear cut answer and this girl is being stupid about it. She made it confusing and thinks she can just put things out there and disappear without giving an answer. She is in the wrong.

 

I know you feel terrible, but it's really on her for messing with you by sending that text. In time you will get passed this.

 

You have penned down exactly what I went through.. Indeed she messed up with me by sending a message(showing her interest). I definitely think she needed attention and was testing the waters.I feel so terrible that I didn't handle the situation as an alpha male would have handled. Either I should have ignored her or I should have played very cool.

 

I went back to her strongly because at that time there was only one thing going in my mind..'if the girl has shown interest in you this is the time you hit hard' and so I did the same - only to realize later that she fuc...ng ignored me afterwards..

 

Yeah I am ignoring her these days , if I bump into her I just say hello and pass by..I have noticed that she checks me out here and there..I seriously don't understand what does she want ?

 

I agree with you that unfriending and blocking her will make me a bigger looser. So, I am keeping strong.

 

At times I feel rejected and it frustrates me. Is there any way I can get an upper hand on her? I seek a fix only because I will be gone far away from this place in couple of weeks and then I would never see her again.So, I would really like to do anything I can to regain the respect/dignity I have lost before I leave for ever.

 

Also, I forgot to update you guys that before she started ignoring my messages I even asked her out on phone if she is giving me excuses and not interested to go out then she can tell this to me frankly. her reply was- 'If I were not interested why would I send you a message'.

Edited January 9, 2013 by eternal.denied84

[TheZebra]

Simple, continue ignoring her.

 

I know it sounds too simple. Honestly though, what's the one thing ANYONE hates? Being ignored. It can eat at you; make you wonder about yourself. It can make even the most secure person crumble.

 

That, hands down, is the worst thing you can do to anyone. Giving her ANY attention (even negative attention) will only feed her ego.

[sid3]

She sounds like an attention whore. Don't worry about how to get an upperhand, keep your dignity intact by getting over her asap.

[Kylar]

Questions:

1. Is she just playing around with me to see how far can I go ? She doesn't know how to tell you she's not interested, maybe she's worried you'll overact.

2. Did I give her indication of interest to early and she is gone for good ? Possibly, that could be an early turn off.

3. Is she absolutely not interested in me to take this casual chats any further and is only being a polite coworker by not shunning me off boldly? Likely just bored at work.

 

Actions:

4. Should I let her know clearly that I like her and would like to know her more ? Doesn't she get this already through my repeating offers ? No and Yes.

5. Should I confront her saying that she shouldn't promise something if she doesn't mean it? God no.

6. Should I ask her if she is absolutely not interested in me-she can tell it on my face, rather than being polite. ? No, move on, there is always another.

[phineas]

You want the upper hand?

Disregard & if she contacts you again, ignore.

 

It really is that simple.

She knows what she was doing.

show her she is no longer worth your time.

 

I remember an HBO show about strippers & they followed these women around & if it was a slow night they would call up their regulars because they knew the guys were good for some lap dances & tips.

 

She was essentially stringing them along & eventually these guys stopped answering her calls & stopped showing up & she was actually bummed they no longer wanted anything to do with her even though she could care less about them.

 

and it wasn't even really about the money because she was able to easily get more "regulars" to string along.

 

After seeing that, it's became clear that ignoring a woman with nothing to offer me eats at her the most.

[eternal.denied84]

So, One and half week passed by and I have been ignoring her.

 

Though the truth is that every day I get a strong urge to go and talk to her and express myself out - everything from start to end - How she made me feel miserable , how I really liked her..blah blah..

 

However, my brain says that - please don't be stupid - nothing is gonna happen if you express yourself out. You will just come out as a bigger looser and she will feel Ah - I have one more guy who has lost it all for me.

 

I think part of the reason why I feel to let it out may be because I know I am going to leave this place in few days and will never be able to see her again. And I happen to read somewhere - '20 years down the line you will more regret the things you didn't do than what you did' . So this feeling sends a signal to my heart -this is your one and last chance - just do it.

 

 

what do you say guys - heart or brain ?

[MrCastle]

So, One and half week passed by and I have been ignoring her.

 

Though the truth is that every day I get a strong urge to go and talk to her and express myself out - everything from start to end - How she made me feel miserable , how I really liked her..blah blah..

 

However, my brain says that - please don't be stupid - nothing is gonna happen if you express yourself out. You will just come out as a bigger looser and she will feel Ah - I have one more guy who has lost it all for me.

 

I think part of the reason why I feel to let it out may be because I know I am going to leave this place in few days and will never be able to see her again. And I happen to read somewhere - '20 years down the line you will more regret the things you didn't do than what you did' . So this feeling sends a signal to my heart -this is your one and last chance - just do it.

 

 

what do you say guys - heart or brain ?

 

This is where my theory of fading out shines through.

 

Some people balked at my post in a thread last week about whether or not a guy should just leave without saying why.

 

I was in a situation this past semester where I felt disrespected by a girl in class I was trying to land. Instead of coming out and telling her I lost attraction for her, I thought she was an immature girl, that she missed out on a good thing, etc I just decided to stop flirting with her in class, and overall just ignore her.

 

I will be seeing her again in 8 days when classes resume. I didn't know she was gonna be in my class this semester, but she is. Had I given her a piece of my mind, things would be 10000x more awkward 8 days from now. But, I didn't say anything, so I can just pick up where I left off.

 

Moral of the story; don't burn your bridges. You just never know when someone will walk back into your life. No need to create enemies. Just leave without saying anything.

[truth_seeker]

Castle, your situation is different. You're in school, and regardless about being in the same classes, you could bump into her around campus. In Eternal's case, he's more than likely to never see this girl again.

 

I'm not advocating him blasting her. If he's sincere in his approach and this helps him get passed this girl, then I think he should have a closure talk.

 

Phineas makes a great point by ignoring a woman it does eat at them. I would suggest this if you were still working with her. You're not, though. You're leaving. I think killing her with kindness and vanishing will make her feel like sh-t.

 

She'll rethink it over and over. "This guy was great and I let him walk away." You get closure and you leave her with "eternal" guilt.

[MrCastle]

Castle, your situation is different. You're in school, and regardless about being in the same classes, you could bump into her around campus. In Eternal's case, he's more than likely to never see this girl again.

 

I'm not advocating him blasting her. If he's sincere in his approach and this helps him get passed this girl, then I think he should have a closure talk.

 

Phineas makes a great point by ignoring a woman it does eat at them. I would suggest this if you were still working with her. You're not, though. You're leaving. I think killing her with kindness and vanishing will make her feel like sh-t.

 

She'll rethink it over and over. "This guy was great and I let him walk away." You get closure and you leave her with "eternal" guilt.

 

Yeah. If he acts out he'll just reaffirm to her "oh yeah, I knew there was a reason I wasn't attracted to this guy". But if he leaves on good terms and just goes ghost, there's the possibility she'll wonder "what if", and it will eat at her.

[eternal.denied84]

So its time for me to leave this place and this is what I am thinking of doing.

 

Option 1. Approach her and tell her that I will be gone for ever before she knows and I would like to take her out for our long pending coffee. I believe 99% she will come.

 

Now if she comes -

1.a - should I tell her that I happened to like her and she has hurt my feelings by ignoring my messages/ being unpredictable etc etc. Should I remind her of all those time when she ignored my messages, reminded me for meeting and then never bothered to respond when I asked her out ?

 

OR

 

1.b - should I just tel her that I like her ? I felt that there could have happened something between us but destiny had its own plan

so

I don't want to blame any one..all the best for your future and leave.

 

Option 2. Do not talk to her instead write a letter and hand it over to her before I leave.

2.a - same thing as described in 1.a, just that I will write it all in the letter instead of talking to her personally.

 

2.b - same thing as described in 1.a, just that I will write it all in the letter instead of talking to her personally.

 

Option 3. Don't do any thing. No letter, No talks. Just leave..remover her from my fb page and forget her forever.

 

 

Which option should I pick between 1, 2 and 3 and if it is one of Option1/Option2 then which sub option within them ? If you guys have some thing better that I haven't listed above then please feel free to guide me in right direction.

 

thank you very much.

[clia]

Option 3. She isn't interested in you. Move on.

[sid3]

Option 3. She isn't interested in you. Move on.

 

Agreed......

[crude]

All the Mars and Venus sexual stereotypes distort common sense, but the simple answer here it to assume there's nothing there and forget about her totally. If out of the blue she decides she wants a relationship with you after all, then the ball is in her court, and she has to ask you out, pay for the date, and make up for her initial attitude. Needless to say that's a long shot, but if it happens, you could choose to forget the forgetting you did.