Dessembrae Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Ever really look back on your relationship and being critical on yourself notice you were a little over emotional or a little nuts during the relationship and maybe it wasn't the other person fault completely? Looking back now I'm seeing I was a little over the top and kind of embarrassed with how I acted :s
lakerman34 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) Ever really look back on your relationship and being critical on yourself notice you were a little over emotional or a little nuts during the relationship and maybe it wasn't the other person fault completely? Looking back now I'm seeing I was a little over the top and kind of embarrassed with how I acted :s It's good to reminisce on where you went 'wrong' on the relationship, but your ex DEFINITELY has some of the blame. I'd probably still be with my ex today had I not been as deep 'in love' as I was. I catered to her every need. She even told friends that she 'wishes I treated her more over the shoulder like I used to.' She, apparently, didn't like that I showed her the amount of affection I did. Once I was no longer a challenge, she didn't want me anymore. At first, I thought it was ALL my fault. Then, I remembered how my friends all told me long before the breakup that I should dump her because she was just, plain and simple, a terrible gf. NEVER wanted to hang out, was rather immature, couldn't show me an ounce of commitment, would always bail on me, had the desire to get blackout drunk, we were not compatible in bed, etc. So it was DEFINITELY a two-way street when it came to whose fault it was in the relationship. I was miserable and stressed out, and now that I'm single, I no longer am. She didn't want a REAL relationship. Her problem is that SHE fell in love with ME. She called me at 4AM one summer morning to tell me she loved me. I wasn't there yet. Now, she's 'dating' a non-committal guy. He's probably perfect for her. No love, just sex. I'm probably looking for this kind of relationship with a girl as well, because I have realigned my priorities in life, and a REAL relationship doesn't fit in for me. It will be interesting to see what happens when she falls 'in love' with this guy as well. My guess is he'll probably get the hell out of her life, OR he'll do what I did and end up getting dumped as well. Only time will tell, but I don't care either way anymore. Unless you were suffocating her, blowing up her phone with BS, NOT allowing her to go see her friends EVER, showing up to her house when she was asleep ALL the time, etc., then she holds some blame. I WANTED my ex to have fun, and I WANTED my 'me' time. I didn't want to see her EVERY day, but we made the mistake of falling in love with each other. This, to her, was too much, and being so young, she may have been right. That's why I can't blame her for dumping me, but I CAN say that she has a lot of growing up and maturing to do. Hell, in a lot of cases (and I think in my case as well), she may even be MORE to blame. Edited December 6, 2012 by lakerman34 1
todreaminblue Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Ever really look back on your relationship and being critical on yourself notice you were a little over emotional or a little nuts during the relationship and maybe it wasn't the other person fault completely? Looking back now I'm seeing I was a little over the top and kind of embarrassed with how I acted :s the thing is i was already "crazy" eh knew that it lasted fifteen years when it broke down i maintained my dignity i didnt threaten i asked him to stay once when he told me he was leaving....i said we can do this just dont see her anymore we will work it out together......i remember him saying i want someone i can go have a drink with....(i dont drink normally)......he said i knew you would say that to stay...... kissed my forehead told me he would aways love me and left........... my kids fell apart i followed suit and ended up in hospital......even in there i tried to be reasonable....and this was the crazy one trying to reason...its funny how mental illness can sometimes make you want to fix things or people......i was actually certified as crazy....when he abused me on the phone while in hospital while they certified me.....that really did send me crazy.......its all relative.... the fact is i know i am not an easy person to be in a relationship with mainly because i take a lot out on myself.......not because i take it out on others.........ill often take on everything....my shoulders are broad for a reason i have to have balance there i guess......if i am having a bad day only if it is excruciating would i break down......i would try to soldier on.....when i cant help but be honest with someone thats when i know they are important to me ......i eventually have to tell them how i feel.......look im really down ...probably why i remeberign every little detail about my ex and this post triggered a response....as i said to soemone else it is the situation you are in or have been in that is the gun not the trigger.ill stop now...deb
Romantic_Lefty Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 In my personal experience, after a break up you are very critical of yourself. You just lost something that you use to or still do have a connection with and will sometimes wonder why that happened by criticizing your actions and feelings. But if you feel you did do some things over the top or were overemotional it doesn't mean your the crazy ex. "Deus solus me iudicet" god alone may judge me.... You could have done it because you were fighting for something very special to you and knew of no other way to deal with it at the time. Only you can decide if it was a mistake you made, or, it was you fighting for what you wanted and cared about.
Romantic_Lefty Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I don't always consider myself a very religious person, yet i guess it sometimes goes hand in hand with being a romantic, but i'll continue as such. I think you are on the right path that God is telling you something. But could it be he is merely trying to teach you and not punish? This is the big guns upstairs! and as such i do not think that skipping right to punishment would be his style. But simply that you must learn that when and if you care for something that much again, you need to learn from your mistakes and take different actions. That path may be filled with tribulations and the light at the end may seem dismal, but it seems from your last reply you are already trying to tread on the right path.
Romantic_Lefty Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 you are still willing to pray for her, yourself, and above all else others...a bigger first step towards happiness could not be taken i feel.
BUBS Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 This post resonates a lot with me, and I'm sure a lot of other people here. In the beginning of my break up I was really consumed with regret as to how I acted during the relationship. I began to get down on myself, and continue to about things I worry he will remember. It hurts to imagine that getting the dumpee out of the dumpers life is a relief more than a mistake, especially when you are the dumpee. There are always two sides, and its greatly possible that one may have contributed more to the demise than the other, but like the other posters said, you cannot help it if your intentions were in a place of desperation to fix an issue, or to keep someone you love. No one is perfect and when someone loves you truly, they accept all of that crazy. I've been really hard on myself for being so exhausting while I was in the relationship, I hate myself for how irrational I was on so many different levels, how much I wish I had known that it was breaking him down, and weakening our bond. I swear over and over again that it would different if he would only give me the chance to show him that. I hate the idea that he will remember me as the "crazy" ex, and that there is a possibility his next girlfriend will be simple, sweet and a breath of fresh air in comparison to me... but there is nothing constructive or healthy about dwelling on these feelings... we are all maturing and growing, thats what failed relationships are for. You assess the mistakes you made, and you feel absolutely awful about them, hopefully enough to teach you a lesson that you never want to feel that way about yourself again, and bring you into healthier, longer lasting relationships from what you have learned. When I was with him, I prided myself on not being a "doormat" but I took it too far, constantly freaking out over the tiniest things, being cruel and cold when things upset or bothered me, throwing things around like a ball and thinking I was in control, stronger, or more dominating in my situation... this all stems from a falsified belief that men admire women who don't allow being walked on, which they do... but I became power hungry many times and I'm ashamed... its a lesson learned, and despite how badly I would want him to know that I have changed, to not be someone he speaks badly of to future people, I know that I don't have a choice in how he perceives me, but I do in how I perceive myself in the long run. If you don't like how you acted during the relationship with them, make sure you don't repeat those mistakes again with someone else.
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