Facebook backup plan? From off-line to online and back

[somedude81]

You actually have to stop saying these things SD. Seriously.

 

The more you keep saying them, the more they resonate with you, and the more you start to identify with those statements being an intrinsic part of you. Then it becomes harder to shake it off and become better.

 

The most important story is the story we tell ourselves.

 

The story I tell myself is based on true events.

 

Yes, I do identify with those statements. And I will continue to do so until somebody shows me otherwise.

 

Whenever I get the strength to see if I'm desired at all, the world always tells me no.

[ThaWholigan]

The story I tell myself is based on true events.

 

Yes, I do identify with those statements. And I will continue to do so until somebody shows me otherwise.

 

Whenever I get the strength to see if I'm desired at all, the world always tells me no.

Again, I reiterate: stop identifying with these things because it's not going to help you.

[edgygirl]

I don't know... i just don't bite these stories of men on this board who can't get dates at all. Why is it we see ugly poor boys in perfectly normal relationships?

 

Perhaps the ones complaining are aiming too high? Looking in the wrong places? Or is it because they behave in a very weird way? (- which doesn't seem to be your case).

 

Doesn't it work to go for girls you find "ok" and are a little below what you consider attractive? I mean, our minds adapt and we can start finding someone attractive after a while.

 

The story I tell myself is based on true events.

 

Yes, I do identify with those statements. And I will continue to do so until somebody shows me otherwise.

 

Whenever I get the strength to see if I'm desired at all, the world always tells me no.

[edgygirl]

ED have you read this book?

 

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy: David D. Burns: 9780380810338: Amazon.com: Books

 

I truly believe that although reality can be harsh, if we start to believe that what has happened will happen forever and keep telling these stories to ourselves in our heads, nothing works in life.

 

You have to try to get over what has always happened and gain more confidence in yourself. Confidence is an aphrodisiac. Low self esteem is a huge turnoff. Work on that. It's not external stuff that is making you have a hard time. It's how you feel about yourself and think about yourself. I promise. Btw, have you done therapy to help that? I am just saying these things because I think you seem like a really nice guy and I want you to succeed and be happy.

[somedude81]

I don't know... i just don't bite these stories of men on this board who can't get dates at all. Why is it we see ugly poor boys in perfectly normal relationships?

I really don't know.

 

My guess is that it's a combination of me not being physically attractive, having poor confidence, being depressed and not knowing how to communicate with women in a way that causes them to see me as anything more than a friend.

 

With those things against me, it's no wonder that I struggle so much.

 

Perhaps the ones complaining are aiming too high?

 

Doesn't it work to go for girls you find "ok" and are a little below what you consider attractive? I mean, our minds adapt and we can start finding someone attractive after a while.

The vast majority of times I don't go after the pretty girls. My only real requirements for a girl is that she isn't obese and that she's not objectively ugly.

 

Granted, this girl is probably the most attractive I've pursued in a long while. If it wasn't for how she interacts with me, I would have written her off immediately.

Looking in the wrong places?

My primary spots to meet girls are work and school. And in school I try to meet girls in hobby areas, like salsa dancing or Japanese club. That way we already have a few things in common.

 

Or is it because they behave in a very weird way? (- which doesn't seem to be your case).

I don't think I behave weird, but I'm most likely not behaving in an attractive way. I try to be fun and make them laugh, tease them, but it's never been enough.

[somedude81]

ED have you read this book?

ED? Erectile dysfunction?

 

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy: David D. Burns: 9780380810338: Amazon.com: Books

 

I truly believe that although reality can be harsh, if we start to believe that what has happened will happen forever and keep telling these stories to ourselves in our heads, nothing works in life.

 

You have to try to get over what has always happened and gain more confidence in yourself. Confidence is an aphrodisiac. Low self esteem is a huge turnoff. Work on that. It's not external stuff that is making you have a hard time. It's how you feel about yourself and think about yourself. I promise. Btw, have you done therapy to help that? I am just saying these things because I think you seem like a really nice guy and I want you to succeed and be happy.

I've read many self-help books and things on depression and been to therapists and the like. They don't help because they are trying to treat the symptoms and not fix the problem.

 

I know that women like confidence and are turned off by low confidence. The thing is, when I'm with girls, I'm between high and low confidence. I'm starting to be more forward and aggressive with girls but it still hasn't resulted in anything and I'm starting to doubt if I'm even close to getting it right.

[edgygirl]

My guess is that it's a combination of me not being physically attractive, having poor confidence, being depressed and not knowing how to communicate with women in a way that causes them to see me as anything more than a friend.

 

The above makes sense. The other things you're doing to meet women seem right. So have you tried to work on the issues you can fix? Poor confidence, depression and communication? The physical part can also be worked on, but I don't feel that's the main problem for you as you might think. The ones above are a real concrete problem that repels most people as no one likes to be with someone who doesn't feel good about themselves and it's easy to tell who doesn't.

 

Can you do some therapy to work on these issues? Read self help books on self esteem? I am sure when you feel better about yourself it will be easier to succeed. The communication part you could try and work doing some acting classes perhaps?

[edgygirl]

haha sorry I meant SD

 

I see... well maybe, as me, you didn't get a good therapist. I am sure the right one could help with 'the problem' - and for me the problem is inside, not outside. So it's not a symptom, it's the cause.

 

Well at least you're trying to be forward etc. Might take a while to get it right but it's a great step and you should keep trying and trying until it happens We only learn how to behave with the opposite sex by trying and getting things wrong first until we get them right. Don't get discouraged.

 

ED? Erectile dysfunction?

 

 

I've read many self-help books and things on depression and been to therapists and the like. They don't help because they are trying to treat the symptoms and not fix the problem.

 

I know that women like confidence and are turned off by low confidence. The thing is, when I'm with girls, I'm between high and low confidence. I'm starting to be more forward and aggressive with girls but it still hasn't resulted in anything and I'm starting to doubt if I'm even close to getting it right.

[Imajerk17]

I know this is going against the current of the sentiments expressed on this thread, but I don't think the way you asked this particular girl out was a good one. I mean, the message itself sounded decent, just the whole way you went about it was weak. You would have been better off

 

(a) asking her out via chat the first time, or

(b) sending her a message a month into semester asking how she has been--maybe that could have led to something.

 

There's no guarantee she would have said yes if you had done (a) or (b).

 

All is not lost. I'm sure you could find a way to "run into" her next semester in person. Meanwhile, putting this much weight on this one girl--whom you don't really know and who knows what she is like or what her personal life is like--is foolish. These situations are low-percentage for most anyone. I am saying that you can be more proactive about asking out women in your classes in person.

[edgygirl]

Btw how old are you?

[eeneyah]

Send her a message: "Hey [girl's name] I'd like to take you out to celebrate the end of finals but I don't want to be lame and set it up over Facebook. Give me a number I can reach you at and I will give you a call.

 

Somedude

[your number here]"

 

I don't want to hijack someone else's thread, but I really like this.

 

(I posted about a singles' weekend, but no one replied!)

 

Anyway, I went to a singles' weekend and now can see all the women on Facebook, would this message (or similar) work for me? I don't have numbers either, at present, so FB would be the best way to start something.

 

I have a few related questions, but I want to get a basic answer first.

 

Thank you again.

[somedude81]

The above makes sense. The other things you're doing to meet women seem right. So have you tried to work on the issues you can fix? Poor confidence, depression and communication? The physical part can also be worked on, but I don't feel that's the main problem for you as you might think. The ones above are a real concrete problem that repels most people as no one likes to be with someone who doesn't feel good about themselves and it's easy to tell who doesn't.

 

Can you do some therapy to work on these issues? Read self help books on self esteem? I am sure when you feel better about yourself it will be easier to succeed. The communication part you could try and work doing some acting classes perhaps?

I can't work on my confidence, it's dependent on my experiences. Get a date, confidence goes up, get rejected, confidence goes down. There are many little things that give me confidence.

 

The communication part is something I really need to work on but it's very difficult. For one, girls don't really tell me when I did something good or kinda bad. Well I can tell that if they smile or laugh they like what I said/did but it's not enough for me to tell if they are getting attracted to me or like me more. I've simply been unable to bridge the gap between friends and more than friends.

 

This girl is more like practice for me because I'm trying to only show her a funny, confident me but I really don't know what I'm doing. And since she ignored my ask out message all I can do is guess that I screwed up.

 

When it comes to women I'm stupid. I just don't have a clue.

 

I'm 31 and this is extremely frustrating for me. These are things I should have learned 10 years ago but I'm still struggling. I just want to have a girlfriend for once in my life and don't have any idea if I'm even remotely close to making that happen.

I know this is going against the current of the sentiments expressed on this thread, but I don't think the way you asked this particular girl out was a good one. I mean, the message itself sounded decent, just the whole way you went about it was weak. You would have been better off

 

(a) asking her out via chat the first time, or

(b) sending her a message a month into semester asking how she has been--maybe that could have led to something.

 

There's no guarantee she would have said yes if you had done (a) or (b).

 

All is not lost. I'm sure you could find a way to "run into" her next semester in person. Meanwhile, putting this much weight on this one girl--whom you don't really know and who knows what she is like or what her personal life is like--is foolish. These situations are low-percentage for most anyone. I am saying that you can be more proactive about asking out women in your classes in person.

I simply would not have done B because my intention was to ask her out in class during the semester, but for a variety of reasons that didn't happen. FB is my last resort.

 

As for A, I've only had one chat session with her and that wasn't planned at all. She just happened to be online when I sent her the friend request and a message asking if it's the girl from my salsa class because she didn't have a photo of her in her public profile. We ended up chatting for 10 or so minutes. A couple of days later I sent her the dining dancing message, which she responded with a LOL but didn't address my question.

 

Next semester, I most likely will not run into her unless I specifically make plans to meet up. It's a very big campus.

 

Being completely honest, I knew the FB thing had a very small, almost non-existent chance of working. This is the third girl I've tired asking out via FB in three or so years and while my approach was different for all three girls, it still failed with every one. I don't know if it's me, my approach or what we actually chat about. Once again, I don't have a clue.

[SmileFace]

That confidence talk is bull **** SD. Keeping waiting on an experience until you are 40. It isn't confidence with women - but have the confidence to know that you will succed with women and a relationship. Having the confidence to know you have some thing to provide to women. Confident in your own life and what you can share. That comes from inside.

[somedude81]

That confidence talk is bull **** SD. Keeping waiting on an experience until you are 40.

You're mistaken. I'm not waiting on experience. I'm not waiting for things to happen, I'm trying to make them happen. I do something, and the outcome affects my confidence. In other words, if this girl would have reacted positively to my message, my confidence would go up. She agrees to a date, my confidence skyrockets. It's as simple as that.

 

It isn't confidence with women - but have the confidence to know that you will succed with women and a relationship.

How am I supposed to get the confidence to know that I will succeed with women and relationships when I've failed with every single girl I've liked? Where is that confidence supposed to come from?

 

 

 

Having the confidence to know you have some thing to provide to women. Confident in your own life and what you can share. That comes from inside.

I already know that I could be a great boyfriend. What I don't know how to do is show that to a woman in a way she'd understand and accept.

[SmileFace]

You're mistaken. I'm not waiting on experience. I'm not waiting for things to happen, I'm trying to make them happen. I do something, and the outcome affects my confidence. In other words, if this girl would have reacted positively to my message, my confidence would go up. She agrees to a date, my confidence skyrockets. It's as simple as that.

 

How am I supposed to get the confidence to know that I will succeed with women and relationships when I've failed with every single girl I've liked? Where is that confidence supposed to come from?

 

 

 

I already know that I could be a great boyfriend. What I don't know how to do is show that to a woman in a way she'd understand and accept.

 

SD I can only go off of how you word things. I am not saying you aren't trying. Anyway all the luck - hope it works out one day :-)

 

Confidence isn't built from experience - cockiness is built from experience. There is a difference. However I am not asking you or anyone to agree. Like I said all the best.

[runner]

you seriously need to take control of yourself, SD. and by that i mean quit allowing these girls you desire to dictate how you feel about yourself (ie, this low versus high confidence non-sense you speak of). put yourself in a place where you simply don't care if a girl wants your company or not when you ask her on a date. it might sound like mission impossible from where you are now, but really it's about allowing yourself to flip that switch in your mindset. right now you are too content in letting others dictate your own self worth. no self-respecting man would allow that.

 

you seem to be pretty good at defending yourself on this board when you dissagree with other posters, and that's awesome. but in the company of a 'pretty girl' you seem to turn into a total pussy. time to think long and hard about why you behave that way ...

[somedude81]

you seriously need to take control of yourself, SD. and by that i mean quit allowing these girls you desire to dictate how you feel about yourself (ie, this low versus high confidence non-sense you speak of). put yourself in a place where you simply don't care if a girl wants your company or not when you ask her on a date. it might sound like mission impossible from where you are now, but really it's about allowing yourself to flip that switch in your mindset. right now you are too content in letting others dictate your own self worth. no self-respecting man would allow that.

How do I not care?

 

Being in a relationship is the thing I want most in this world. It's my number one goal, and because I'm not able to achieve that, I feel like a failure. Getting into a relationship is solely based on whether a woman accepts me or not. So for me it seems perfectly natural to base my self-worth on how women see me. Realistically though, all I need is one girl to show me that I'm desired and that I mean something.

 

 

you seem to be pretty good at defending yourself on this board when you dissagree with other posters, and that's awesome. but in the company of a 'pretty girl' you seem to turn into a total pussy. time to think long and hard about why you behave that way ...

I've had a very small number of disagreements with women and had no trouble defending myself.

 

Trying to get a girl to like me is not the same thing as sticking up for myself.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

Being in a relationship is the thing I want most in this world. It's my number one goal, and because I'm not able to achieve that, I feel like a failure.

 

If you start to put your interactions with women as something in and of themselves, rather than a means to an end: to get sex, to get in a relationship. to get them to like you, etc, you might find yourself getting somewhere.

 

These women are all individual people. You are NEVER going to hit on the right "formula," or correct what you think of as your "mistakes" with them and end up with your desired result. You will need to back way off from your goal oriented approach and just figure out how to get to know people, including women, and see if you connect with any of them.

 

That's why people are always haranguing you about your social skills and social life, and why they get frustrated with you when you say, "how will having friends help me get a girlfriend?"

 

It might not help you get a girlfriend, but it will help you BE boyfriend "material" if you stop viewing people as a means to an end, and to find value in simply knowing them.

[Meeks7]

Say what you want somedude, but this is true, bro. See below

 

You're mistaken. I'm not waiting on experience. I'm not waiting for things to happen, I'm trying to make them happen. I do something, and the outcome affects my confidence.

 

"I'm trying tomake them happen" ---> tack onto that statement "but I'm doing it in very ineffective ways" and you got the truth.

 

Are you trying? I mean, sure yeah. Are you trying WISELY though? As opposed to trying but in a way that isn't likely to produce any success? To answer that, obviously, the results speak for themselves. You are stopping yourself from happiness. It doesn't come in a girl. It comes first from within. But you can't grasp that right now or for the past 15+ years of your life because your single-minded goal of getting a GF has blinded you, and in many ways, crippled you as a man.

 

Somehow, you gotta get over this hump, and that's why so many harp on making some friends, so your social skills can be improved and your network can expand.

 

Right now, you're setting yourself up for failure, bro. Time after time. And that won't change until you switch up your strategies. Whatever you don't feel comfortable doing, you should actually try. Whatever techniques you usually try, you should not. Simple as that. Can't hurt to experiment.