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No end in sight to bridge distance with LDR bf...what now?

nugget_718

By nugget_718
in Long-Distance Relationships

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nugget_718 Established Member

nugget_718

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I've got a question to all of you who are currently in an LDR. If both of you are in love with each other but doesn't seem to see an end date on when you close the distance, how will you proceed?

 

Short background, I've been with my LDR bf for a year and a half now. We used to see each other every month during the 1st year but almost 5 months ago he had accepted a new job and that had prevented us from seeing each other regularly. I have seen him once since August and he had to take me with him to his business trip just for us to see each other.

 

Last Sunday, we had an emotional talk due to the upcoming holidays. We now feel like the distance (his from UK and I'm from California) is taking it's tool on us and he admitted to me that he has no immediate plans of relocating mainly due to family health issues. Apart from his brother, who is unable to look after their ailing parents due to the nature of his job, there is no one in the family who can look after them except him. Also, he only got back to the UK from living in Asia for the last 8 years in 2010. We both said we love each other, that is not the issue here. I don't think I am willing to relocate either because of practical reasons; EU crisis, finding a job for me is nil, too expensive to live there and I don't want to be dependent on him. We are both working professionals and are successful in our fields. I am in my late 30's and he is in his mid-forties. I have no kids. He has 2; 22 years old daughter and 19 years old son.

FitChick Established Member

FitChick

Posted
Posted (edited)

You should at least try to find a job on the east coast to make travel a bit cheaper and faster. I have a friend who said the cost of living in Atlanta is much cheaper than when he lived in California. I am thinking of moving there myself.

 

I date British guys. Which website did you meet on?

 

You also might join an expat forum like this one I used to belong to when I was engaged to a Brit. Lots of sympathy and useful information from people in your shoes.

Edited by FitChick
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nugget_718 Established Member

nugget_718

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Thanks for your reply FitChick.

 

I didn't meet my bf online. I met him through work. As for moving, I don't know if that is even a possibility especially knowing that there really is no guarantee that our relationship is going to work. I guess you could say that I am a little on the fence right now.

makingithappen Member

makingithappen

Posted
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Aww, that's definitely tough. I can relate a bit to your situation. I don't see an end in my LDR with my boyfriend anytime soon either - I'll be starting work in Asia and him in Europe next year. We both just got out of school and are starting our careers, and as much as we love each other, we don't see either of us closing the distance anytime within the next few years at least (and even then, I don't even know if we'll last that long).

 

With everything up in the air, all I can do is take our relationship day by day. If all works out in the future, I will probably find a job where he is at.

 

Both yours and his situation make it difficult to close the distance anytime soon, but if you love each other and think he's worth it, how about taking it little by little and seeing how it goes from here on?

Although, since you are in your late 30s and him in his mid 40s, you might want to think about what you're looking for in this relationship. Do you see a future with him (e.g. marriage)? Either of you will have to bridge the distance sometime or another if you're to make this LDR work out. Even if it's not something 100% definite, I think even a rough idea of what both of you want out of this relationship would be helpful to define how to take it from here if you choose to do so.

 

Hope that helps even a little bit! :)

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nugget_718 Established Member

nugget_718

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Thank you makingithappen for that sound advise. That is what I have been telling myself since the start of the relationship...take it day by day. But it's tough not to invest more as the relationship gets deeper. We both said were no longer teenagers so the head games are out the door. And we do communicate well so at least there is no guessing game as to how we feel about things.

 

Just curious about your relationship, since both of you are just starting your careers why not find a job somewhere where both of you could stay? You don't necessarily have to live together but at least close enough to where you can spend weekends together.

umirano Established Member

umirano

Posted
Posted

We don't have a definite end date set either. But we have reasonable hope to be able to close the distance over the next 2, maybe 3 years. And we are lucky in the sense that we can both take trips to see each other every 8-12 weeks and comparably pain free so. Thus, for me, and afaik for my GF those 2-3 years seem feasible.

 

When we were very fresh I said, I want a general idea, which she can agree on, on when to close the distance. Because getting into an LDR without this hope seemed to be a pretty bleak future. Would I really have been able to get her out of my life if she wouldn't have agreed to this 'general idea'? Probably not. Will I break it off, if we don't close the distance in 3 years? Probably not, provided the relationship still has a healthy foundation.

 

On the other hand, LDRs are painful in my opinion, and anybody who loves himself, will work hard on going local ASAP. No one can be blamed for getting into an LDR, that's not really a choice you have, according to my experience.

But if both are serious, why wait? Carpe diem, start working on your success as a couple early and hard, everyone will benefit from this, in general. You have loose ends to tie up at your respective location? Sure, you always will. Start tying them up early, rather than late. Relatives who need to be taken care of? If they don't die away soon, this will also be the case in 3, 5 or 10 years. Find a sustainable solution now, not later, when all those emotions and all this money and time may have been wasted on a relationship that failed because one or both sides didn't commit.

 

Humans are social animals, the vast majority of all living and deceased humans got into couple-type relationships. Why? Because you're just stronger when having a loyal partner. Everyone achieves more for himself and for his social environment. And ultimately, you only get very little of all those advantages of being in a couple-type relationship while long distance.

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nugget_718 Established Member

nugget_718

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On the other hand, LDRs are painful in my opinion, and anybody who loves himself, will work hard on going local ASAP. No one can be blamed for getting into an LDR, that's not really a choice you have, according to my experience.

But if both are serious, why wait? Carpe diem, start working on your success as a couple early and hard, everyone will benefit from this, in general. You have loose ends to tie up at your respective location? Sure, you always will. Start tying them up early, rather than late. Relatives who need to be taken care of? If they don't die away soon, this will also be the case in 3, 5 or 10 years. Find a sustainable solution now, not later, when all those emotions and all this money and time may have been wasted on a relationship that failed because one or both sides didn't commit.

 

Yes, LDR are surely painful. I didn't choose to have an LDR relationship, it just happened. I wasn't even looking for someone when he came along. From the get go, the chemistry between us was strong. We said we're mature enough and know what were getting ourselves into and luckily, like you, we have the financial flexibility to make the trips albeit expensive we've just got to bite the bullet.

 

When talking about who's moving to where, we both agreed that it is more practical for him to move here in the US. Except now, he has family health issues to take care of which makes it hard for him to commit on the relocation. And it wouldn't be fair of me to ask any commitment from him at this point. Nor would I give him ultimatum. But you're right, we have to find a sustainable solution, maybe not now, but in the near future. Thanks for you insight.

makingithappen Member

makingithappen

Posted
Posted

Just curious about your relationship, since both of you are just starting your careers why not find a job somewhere where both of you could stay? You don't necessarily have to live together but at least close enough to where you can spend weekends together.

 

We did have that plan in mind initially, with him applying for jobs in Asia and me applying for jobs in the UK to potentially bridge the gap; however, with visa restrictions, the EU crisis and time restrictions, we both realized that it was not as feasible as we hoped it would be. It was a painful but reasonable decision in the end. So for now, our very infrequent plane trips will have to suffice :)

 

I totally agree that it's hard not to invest more as the relationship gets deeper...but I think in these LDRs, you really have to invest more to keep it alive. It's really great that you are both communicating well and are honest with each other - I'm sure you can both talk it over and come up with some possible plans after his difficult family health issue settles down a bit. Hang in there!

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