I appreciate my girlfriend but want to date around for a while

[fetish1980]

Alright, i'm in my early 30s. I got out of a relationship of 8 years with my previous ex girlfriend almost 2 years ago. I was learning how to get back in the dating game and went on dates with other women.

 

I finally met my current girlfriend earlier this year, age 26, but she wanted wanted a relationship. She was very patient as i initially told her that I wasn't ready for a relationship. She would bring it up every week and wouldn't let it go, so eventually after several months, I went ahead and caved and declared us as in a relationship.

 

She's a very nice girl but i still feel like I need to date around. I have love for her but I'm not in love with her to the point where i think i see it long term right now. We see eachother on weekends because she still lives at home with her parents and plus our work schedules are different through out the week.

 

I feel like as if i didn't really date long enough before I got in this current relationship and maybe i'm just settling for the first person that was willing. I feel she's serious and emotionally involved, almost to the point of slight neediness, but my heart is not in it all the way right now. I don't feel its fair to her that i have an emotional wall where i don't want to let her in deeply. Part of the reason is becasue i was so emotionally invested in my last relationship for so long, I kind of don't want a committment right now. When i say committment, i mean having to talk on the phone every night, and not having the freedom to go out with others. I understand this relationship thing is kind of new to her, but i need a longer break from it.

 

Some of the things she has said to me also kind of turned me off such as: her issues with low self esteem, failed relationships to the point no one loves her, and more.

 

I feel somewhat guilty for feeling this way because she is a very nice person. I am aware the nice things she does for me, she's also doing for herself in order to ensure her man sticks around.

 

But any advice would be much appreciated. Please try to reframe from passing too much judgement on me because i'm already feeling low enough. Thanks

 

fetish

[TigerCub]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're saying.

 

If you're not in it though, just break up with her.

 

She's 26, she can go on and find someone that will want her full time and want something meaningful with her.

 

You spent a long time in a relationship that didn't work, I can understand how now you'd want to play the field or just be on your own.

 

SO there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling.

 

BUT...its all about how you deal with it.

 

Will you string her along some more? Or will you just be honest with her and cut her loose?

 

The decent thing to do would be to just end it with her. It may hurt her for a while, but in time, she'll move past it and find someone that wants to be with her.

[TigerCub]

Just wanted to add

 

you said "I feel somewhat guilty for feeling this way because she is a very nice person. I am aware the nice things she does for me, she's also doing for herself in order to ensure her man sticks around."

 

I don't think that's fair, sometimes people are nice because that's what they're like. I don't do the sweet things I do for my bf thinking "Oh, yeah this will make him stay" - if he wants to go - there's the door.

 

So not everyone does nice things with ulterior motives.

[alexandria35]

Well I'm not going to judge you. You're not a bad person just because you don't want a serious committed relationship right now. However, you have to be honest with your gf about this. Don't let her keep believing that this relationship is more than what it is or that it had the potential to become permanent. Also when you talk to her make sure she is being honest with you. By that I mean she might start agreeing to things she otherwise wouldn't just to hold onto the relationship. She might say she is fine dialing it back to a casual dating thing and she doesn't care if you date others but that probably won't be the truth. I think your best bet is to just break up with her so she can get over it and move on.

[MyPoutine]

Let her go.

[fetish1980]

Just wanted to add

 

you said "I feel somewhat guilty for feeling this way because she is a very nice person. I am aware the nice things she does for me, she's also doing for herself in order to ensure her man sticks around."

 

I don't think that's fair, sometimes people are nice because that's what they're like. I don't do the sweet things I do for my bf thinking "Oh, yeah this will make him stay" - if he wants to go - there's the door.

 

So not everyone does nice things with ulterior motives.

 

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

I wasn't really trying to indicate that she was trying to be manipulative or anything. I'm simply saying that she's still in the phase where she's trying to put her best foot forward and trying to prove that she's down for me.

 

I don't really like for her to buy me gifts because then i start feeling like i have a greater sense of obligation towards her.

 

I do care about her but i'm not up for a committment right now. She likes to bring up the fact that i haven't put her name on my f/b page as in a relationship with. I told her that i am not really in to facebook that much and that is not something that i do. I didn't even do that when i was engaged to my ex. I am proud of the fact that i've stuck to my guns on that and not allowing myself to be guilted in to doing it.

 

fetish

[FitChick]

Tell her you think you both should date other people while seeing each other. She may solve your problem and dump you.

[fetish1980]

What's funny is i don't even have anyone else in mind that I want to date at the moment, but i do feel i'm not sure about getting on a deeper level of commitment with her.

 

She mentioned the other day on the phone that she saw some places that we could move into in the future. I told her "You're way ahead of me with this!" She said she didn't mean soon but eventually. She's already dreaming. The girl has never been out on her own, she drives her parent's cars, and sometimes think she could be the type who's waiting on a man to rescue her and take her away.

 

She's also said in the past that she doesn't want to move in an apartment, she wants to move right into a house. I'm thinking, "Well, at least with an apartment, you'd get experience of living on your own if nothing else." I'm not trying to judge her, but i'm not all that enthusiastic about a longterm future with her,especially when she's never really left the nest. We're at 2 different points in our lives. I was in a r/l for 8 years and want to live life for a while, she's never really been in a r/l and this is new and exciting to her.

 

It's not that easy just to let her go. I like her and am still sexually attracted to her. If i dump her without having any other prospects, i'll have 2 birds in the bush. Then i'm more than likely just going to want her back at the end anyway. I know its a little selfish, but i don't want to make a brash decision that i'll probably just end up regretting later. I guess its one of those tough decisions i need to make. And Fitchick, the open relationship suggestion is an idea, but i really don't think most women are cool with that. lol

 

fetish

[MyPoutine]

You remind me of my ex, the same selfishness. You realize the very fact that you'd rather string her along because you have no one better around means you don't particularly love her right?

 

If you truly love someone causing them any kind of unnecessary pain and anguish is the last thing you'd want to do deliberately, but here you are stringing her along when you know she wants something serious, just to be selfish.

 

Be a man and let her go find someone who will give her the stability she wants. If not then I hope she realizes she is the "Plan B" and dumps you for someone who will truly love and appreciate her, not have her around simply because it's convenient.

[fetish1980]

You remind me of my ex, the same selfishness. You realize the very fact that you'd rather string her along because you have no one better around means you don't particularly love her right?

 

If you truly love someone causing them any kind of unnecessary pain and anguish is the last thing you'd want to do deliberately, but here you are stringing her along when you know she wants something serious, just to be selfish.

 

Be a man and let her go find someone who will give her the stability she wants. If not then I hope she realizes she is the "Plan B" and dumps you for someone who will truly love and appreciate her, not have her around simply because it's convenient.

 

I think i'm just so messed up that i probably don't need to be with anyone.

 

I do love her but not on the level where i see myself marrying this girl yet. we've been seeing eachother since about May and unfortunately, i was still trying to adjust to being with someone different from my ex. I've even told her that i am not looking to be in a serious r/l in the beginning, but obviously i made that adjustment. I also told her that i am not looking to marry or move in anytime, so i was already a man about what she'd be getting.

 

But you're right, its very selfish, and i need to make a decision and fast.

Edited December 7, 2012 by fetish1980

[Carenth]

So you want your cake and eat it too? Sorry but you come across as incredibly self centered to me.

 

Alright I get it, shes not the girl of your dreams fair enough, that's fine. However intentionally dragging out a relationship your not really interested in when she is clearly deeply invested in it, because you haven't found the next place to get your dick wet is pretty dam heartless imo and shows that you have no real respect, love or appreciation for your girlfriend.

 

If you want to play the field, then leave your girlfriend and let her pick up the pieces and move on with her life. Don't wait until you are practically cheating on her before you break it off with her that is a really ****ty thing to do.

 

Just because you were upfront at the start of the relationship doesn't excuse you of your behavior now or in the future, especially when you aren't honest with your intentions right now.

Edited December 7, 2012 by Carenth

[fetish1980]

Look, i am not that heartless. If i was, i would do like alot guys do and just go bang other chicks, continue to keep her and think nothing of it.

 

I know the way my post reads. I do not even plan on dumping her, I just said she's not someone i envision long term at the moment, but that doesn't mean there's not a possibilty it couldn't happen.

 

I'm not excusing my thoughts or behavior, but how many long term relationships or even marriages are carried out when the other person is not entirely certain about the other? How many relationships/marriages exist where the other the spouse wishes they were single so they can be available to a crush? Do you just let them go too?

 

My point is, selfish/temptation thoughts enter my mind at times, yes. But that doesn't mean that i am necessarily going to act on them. I am not the type who likes hurting people, that's not even in my nature.

 

I guess i started this thread really just thinking out loud. I guess i needed opinions. The fact of the matter is, there's no problems in our relationship right now, and i just need to stop contemplating.

 

fetish

[Nightsky]

I would just be nice to her in the break up. You don't owe her anything. Really when you meet the right girl you won't want to leave her because the thought of her being away from you will suck.

 

I'd start to look for the girl you want to have kids with soon though if you want to have a family. If the girl you are with right now is not her so be it. If you're being weird just because you want to date around so be it too.

 

You're not a bad guy. Just break up if thats what you need.

[Carenth]

Sorry if I came across as overly harsh but your earlier posts came across to me as trying to wriggle out of responsibility of anything you may do in the near future "because she knew what I was about".

 

That and you basically came across as saying I'll keep her around because I like the sex but as soon as I have another option I'll drop her like a bad habit.

 

Yes every relationship has ups and downs and insecurities, most people don't "like" hurting people (unless you are a sociopath) doesn't mean that you don't. I imagine your girlfriend would be extremely hurt if she ever saw this.

 

I guess we disagree on relationships in that I believe it is cruel to be in a relationship you are not interested in when the other party is heavily involved. Then again I've always preferred being on my own, than in a relationship that I'm not really interested in for no other reason than maintaining the status quo.

 

The fact that you are thinking about these things indicates something is a miss in this relationship.

[Nightsky]

Sorry if I came across as overly harsh but your earlier posts came across to me as trying to wriggle out of responsibility of anything you may do in the near future "because she knew what I was about".

 

That and you basically came across as saying I'll keep her around because I like the sex but as soon as I have another option I'll drop her like a bad habit.

 

I wouldn't come down on some one for saying those things. I mean nothing wrong with liking sex. Also if this is his attitude she could also look out for herself. Not to mention this way of treating people would come back to bite him. I would put the focus on the benefits to him in living an honest life instead of some honorable guilt.

[Carenth]

Never said there is anything wrong with liking sex. However I'm a strong believer in mutual respect for ones partner and taking responsibility for ones actions.

 

I'm well aware that karma comes around, seen plenty of people in situations like the OPs, guy finds someone new to do the horizontal dance with, dumps his unsuspecting girlfriend, excuses themselves of any responsibility always comes back to bite them in the ass for not been honest earlier on.

 

I figure a pointed nudge can be a lot more effective than sugar coated advice. I would hope people walk away and think "Hey maybe the way I'm approaching this could cause a lot of un needed pain and anguish".

 

Just saying if the OP wants to play the field (which is fine) at least have the respect to break up with his GF now rather than wait until he's found someone else to replace her. Stringing her along is really cruel and heartless.

[fetish1980]

Thanks for the replies again. Nightsky, that was great advice and Carenth, i'm trying to work out my issues.

 

The fact that i'm thinking about this is not necessarily about the relationship. It has to do with me and what my thought patterns are at the moment. I think i just have issues right now with commitment and am kind of experiencing that grass is greener syndrome.

 

fetish

[Carenth]

Thanks for the replies again. Nightsky, that was great advice and Carenth, i'm trying to work out my issues.

 

The fact that i'm thinking about this is not necessarily about the relationship. It has to do with me and what my thought patterns are at the moment. I think i just have issues right now with commitment and am kind of experiencing that grass is greener syndrome.

 

fetish

 

That's fair enough and I respect that a lot of people would not be able to admit they have issues let alone that they are trying to work through them. Sorry for misunderstanding, text can be a medium that is easily misinterpreted.