Different affection styles or what?

[integralForest]

I've been dating a girl for about four months and our differences in showing affection are starting to get to me.

 

I'm pretty effusive; I like to give and receive verbal and physical affection. That said, I try not to be over complementary or smothering -- I try to keep it in balance. For instance, when we were first dating, I would bring her flowers every other week or so, try to help out around her place when visiting, complement her on a new dress or hairstyle, take her out to nice dinners, show interest in her hobbies / projects, etc.

 

However, it wasn't long before I realized this effort wasn't being reciprocated much. For instance, I can't recall a time when she has ever complemented me. She rarely initiates communication and never takes part in planning dates. She doesn't usually inquire about my life or hobbies, unless I ask about hers first. For instance, if I don't call her, we can go days without talking. When we finally talk, she acts like the distance wasn't a big deal and is of course glad to see me when I finally arrange a time for us to hang out.

 

I decided to pull back completely for a week and see what happened. We ended up basically not talking the entire time. When we got together, I was pretty bothered by her lack of initiative in maintaining the relationship. So we talked... she said that her parents never really showed much affection. She only talks to her family once every other month, never shares much detail about her life, and only sees her parents at most once a year. Yikes, that sounds like the way she treats me! This is the complete opposite of myself - I come from a close and affectionate family.

 

She said she recognized that being so emotionally detached was a big issue for most of the guys she's dated. In fact, she's never had a relationship longer than four months and had just gone through a very long stretch of being single. I, on the other hand, have had a couple long term relationships. She said she would work on being more involved with my life and I agreed to refrain from demonstrating my interest and affection as much.

 

But thus far, holding back how I feel makes me feel lonely and unloved. She now asks about my life more often, but when I tell her about a story from work or my friends, she looks bored and usually doesn't have much to contribute. When I don't hear much from her for several days, when she doesn't express interest in the goings on in my life, or make no attempt to plan our next date, I feel unloved. And on the subject of love, I don't think given her emotional unavailability that I could even safely express my love (as in "I love you") to her if I felt it (which I don't right now). Despite all this, she claims she wants to be with me and shows me a lot of physical affection and PDA when we are actually together. It's just when we are apart, its like I don't really exist.

 

Now I'm at a cross-roads about whether to end the relationship or not: Her and I are clearly incompatible in how we show affection. I might even be more into her than she is into me. That said, on paper we are a good couple regarding mutual interests, career objectives, etc. I know she cares for me and respects me (she's said as much - although very rarely), but just knowing isn't turning out to be enough for me. I'm wondering if other people have had successful experiences with this type of incompatibility or is the relationship doomed?

[pteromom]

It's doomed. If she naturally doesn't show affection as much as you do, any attempt on her part to show more is going to be temporary. People are who they are.

 

BTW, I am like your gf. I am not very cuddly and romantic and lovey. It takes a lot of effort for me to do that stuff.

 

The only way this relationship will work is if you accept her as she is. If you'd rather be with someone who is more affectionate, you need to end the relationship and find someone else.

[integralForest]

You're probably right, I mean... I couldn't imagine having a life with someone that emotionally aloof. And my needs for affection probably feel oppressive to her, even if she is typically receptive.

 

I recall one time we were heading back from a restaurant and she suddenly became silent. After a few minutes of walking in silence, I asked if she was okay. She didn't respond so we walked back to her place in silence (a 20min walk). When we got to her house, we sat for a bit, mostly in silence again. I started thinking I had done something wrong and she was mad. After another 10 minutes of silence, I said "If you're not feeling like hanging out, I can go home?" She was surprised that I was upset / felt ignored. She said that she had a side ache and didn't feel like talking and when we got home she just wanted quiet time; as if I could know that since she never spoke up about it.

 

But that's been the theme of our relationship. Communication is hard for her. If I ask what she's having for dinner, she'll just say "food." I have to press for details. So many things go unsaid and then we end in argument.

 

Honestly, our communication styles are sometimes so different its like we are speaking different languages. The hard part for me is that I'm a very all-in kind of guy. I like to see something work, I'm probably committed to a fault. Usually this pays off for me, but this time its been so difficult.

 

I know she likes me and she has expressed being emotionally tender in our brief moments of intimacy. A break-up 5 years ago caused her to not date for quite awhile (years?). I'd really hate to break off the relationship in the middle of the holidays - I don't want to hurt her again, but I'm also tired of the relationship worry taking up my head space.

[veggirl]

I wouldn't consider complementing you, calling you, texting you first, planning dates, asking about your life to be affection. They are normal things that people do, even with FRIENDS.

 

She just sounds flat-out uninterested.

 

I can't imagine having feelings for a guy and not ever calling him and being okay with no contact for a WEEK! If she was interested in you, she'd be interested in your life etc.

 

"what are you having for dinner?" "food" is her response?! WTF is wrong with her? She sounds friggin weird. Who cares if it is the holidays, it's only been 4 months. I'd dump her! It's not like she will care! Its not like you were gonna have a romantic holiday with her anyway!

[zebracolors]

I hope that one day down the road, I'll find a man who is as comfortable as you are with open affection.

 

i agree with Pteromom, but do think its also possible that she is just lacking in the experience and confidence to show more affection, or initiate contact? Maybe she's still afraid that she'll somehow say or do something wrong or embarrassing. Just throwing out possibilities here. Though its hard to dispute other instances of her behavior that just make her seem uninterested, as Veggirl says. But maybe she's unsure how to tell you why she's not.

 

And this is something that worries me about myself. A recent dating experience made me realize I lack in the experience of using my "feminine charm", and about not knowing boundaries of affection, as i didn't know what he would have been comfortable with times when we were in public. I wanted to to hold his hand, or have my arms around him as we walked but I didn't know what kind of affection he wanted or didn't want.

 

Hope you can decide what is best for you both in this situation.

[carhill]

IMO, call it done with no prejudice. Married one of those. Soul-sucking experience. Save yourself.

[integralForest]

I think part of the problem is that she is just waay more private than me. Things like emotions, her art projects, her alone time, etc... these are things that she keeps to herself and if I ask about them, our communication breaks down really quickly. I feel like she maybe assumes the same about me, or if she asks me then I'll ask about her. There is "us" time, and then there are our lives that should stay un-blended. Other times her behavior IS rude / tactless, and I can't tell if that is a defense mechanism or just her nature. When I invited her to visit my family for thanksgiving (her family lives further away than mine), she declined last minute with the excuse that the holiday had "little meaning" to her. She spent it working from home. This was the moment things really started to go down hill for me. Its confusing because she did not know this was rude to say, she thought she was just being honest.

 

Regardless, I'm starting to think the problem is me for holding onto this relationship despite its obvious problems. I've been in great relationships, and these first months should be exciting.

 

And this is something that worries me about myself. A recent dating experience made me realize I lack in the experience of using my "feminine charm", and about not knowing boundaries of affection, as i didn't know what he would have been comfortable with times when we were in public. I wanted to to hold his hand, or have my arms around him as we walked but I didn't know what kind of affection he wanted or didn't want.

After four months I would hope that she can be open with me about her feelings. We're having sex and she has stayed over numerous times. Maybe I'm assuming too much??

 

For your situation, I would ask, or even make the first move! When you're initially dating, there is always that awkward period where both people are trying to figure out who is comfortable with what and how to break the touch-barrier. The pressure is on guys to make the first move, and I think sometimes we are overly cautious to avoid ruining the date.

Edited December 6, 2012 by integralForest

[soccerrprp]

Deja vu...anyway i'm dating a woman who is similar to the girl you describe, but only in the sense that our level and demonstration of affection is not the same. I am very affectionate and have no problems expressing that in public, etc. But I do admit, though I nearly always initiate physical contact, she does then reciprocate.

 

I've learned to live with that. I know her background and history and understand why she is the way she is. It used to bother me, but now, not so much. I really believe that with people like this, you need to get to know them better and it may take a lot longer than you're prepared to wait around. For me, it's paying off. My gf is more affectionate, more receptive....i've been with her for 8-months. I decided a while ago to go the long haul and be patient within reason. This is worth considering "if" she's really into you. If not, then you should find someone more compatible.

 

Good luck.

[integralForest]

Deja vu...anyway i'm dating a woman who is similar to the girl you describe, but only in the sense that our level and demonstration of affection is not the same. I am very affectionate and have no problems expressing that in public, etc. But I do admit, though I nearly always initiate physical contact, she does then reciprocate.

 

I've learned to live with that. I know her background and history and understand why she is the way she is. It used to bother me, but now, not so much. I really believe that with people like this, you need to get to know them better and it may take a lot longer than you're prepared to wait around. For me, it's paying off. My gf is more affectionate, more receptive....i've been with her for 8-months. I decided a while ago to go the long haul and be patient within reason. This is worth considering "if" she's really into you. If not, then you should find someone more compatible.

 

Good luck.

But did she initiate communication and hang out times after a couple months of dating or were you still doing most of the work?

 

I hadn't heard much from my girlfriend this week (except for when I called her last night to say hello). She unsurprisingly didn't make any attempts to hang out. So I made plans with her this Sunday, I guess she is busy until then hanging out with friends and such. I'm going to end things then.. This is ridiculous, she won't make plans with me but always plans things with her friends. What a self esteem buster

[pbjbear]

I dated a guy EXACTLY like how you described for a few months. Acted into me, but not really into me, on dates but dropped off the face of the earth inbetween dates. I mean, we would exchange 2 texts at the most during the course of one week and after our 2nd date he wanted to plan everything last second. Right before I stopped seeing him, I asked him about his distant behavior between dates and he overestimated how much he contacted me and didnt think it was a big deal. After awhile I started to get detached. From the signs I got, I felt he didnt want me to be his girlfriend...so when his behavior didnt change by the end of month 3 I told him I didnt want to see him anymore.

 

Interestingly, I found out later he told everyone we dated for much longer than we did (told people we dated for 6 months!) and he told everyone he really wanted me to be his girlfriend. Didnt really get much of that but hes convinced hes not a "distant" person and his perception is off- so at least this girl KNOWS shes like this.

 

Im glad I stopped seeing him because I think I would have been miserable being in a relationship like that, so I may be biased when I say stop seeing her. My family isnt super close and affectionate but this guy was too far down the other end for me.

 

If you dont want to end it yet, give it another month and then end it if it doesnt change. Sometimes it can take a month for a change to really happen.

[VintageGlamGal]

Yeah so you should totally dump her. I dont see how this can go on. It sounds like she isnt that into you.

[soccerrprp]

But did she initiate communication and hang out times after a couple months of dating or were you still doing most of the work?

 

I hadn't heard much from my girlfriend this week (except for when I called her last night to say hello). She unsurprisingly didn't make any attempts to hang out. So I made plans with her this Sunday, I guess she is busy until then hanging out with friends and such. I'm going to end things then.. This is ridiculous, she won't make plans with me but always plans things with her friends. What a self esteem buster

 

Among other things, my gf's communication has improved greatly, so yes, she does communicate with me to ask what i'm doing, if we can get together, etc.

 

Sorry, if your friend is not doing that, she's very likely not into you.

[Monty4321]

Do yourself a favor and run away from this person as fast as you can. I dated someone very similar to her and actually married her. The marriage lasted 8 years til I had enough. She was void of emotion and affection. I could have fallen off the face of the earth and she wouldnt skip a beat.

 

She claimed that she loved me, but made no effort to work on anything. She would agree to work on things and go to counseling, but she made no self efforts. So th weight of it kept falling on my shoulders. In the end, we agreed to part ways, not once did she ask to stay together.

[soccerrprp]

Do yourself a favor and run away from this person as fast as you can. I dated someone very similar to her and actually married her. The marriage lasted 8 years til I had enough. She was void of emotion and affection. I could have fallen off the face of the earth and she wouldnt skip a beat.

 

She claimed that she loved me, but made no effort to work on anything. She would agree to work on things and go to counseling, but she made no self efforts. So th weight of it kept falling on my shoulders. In the end, we agreed to part ways, not once did she ask to stay together.

 

 

Monty, curious...was your ex affectionate when you first met? Early in the relationship?

[dasein]

Guess I'll be the only one who doesn't think you should end it just yet. Some people are slow burners and four months isn't that long, would double that to eight months before splitting, as things seem to be pretty good for you two other than this aspect. She could turn really affectionate after she buys in totally. She is at a stress point understandably, as this is when her relationships end. I'd love to find a GF who didn't want get all up in my sh-t for a few months and just have fun and enjoy being together.

 

Are you sure you are looking at this from the right direction? Consider the alternatives, "you didn't call to say good morning, is something the matter, umad, you seem distant, what are you thinking? I want to talk about this for three more hours." Hell, the more I think about it, send her -my- way once you break up with her!

 

Want to add one other thing, is there a chance she sees your "pulling back" tests for the games they are, and doesn't want to encourage that type of behavior? People usually respond negatively to passive aggressive treatment, it's to her credit she takes it in stride, leading to the possible conclusion that she cares about you enough not to raise hell when being obviously gamed. You have established a pattern of behavior, and yoyoing her is not really the way to encourage favorable change.

Edited December 8, 2012 by dasein

[integralForest]

Guess I'll be the only one who doesn't think you should end it just yet. Some people are slow burners and four months isn't that long, would double that to eight months before splitting, as things seem to be pretty good for you two other than this aspect. She could turn really affectionate after she buys in totally. She is at a stress point understandably, as this is when her relationships end. I'd love to find a GF who didn't want get all up in my sh-t for a few months and just have fun and enjoy being together.

 

Are you sure you are looking at this from the right direction? Consider the alternatives, "you didn't call to say good morning, is something the matter, umad, you seem distant, what are you thinking? I want to talk about this for three more hours." Hell, the more I think about it, send her -my- way once you break up with her!

 

Want to add one other thing, is there a chance she sees your "pulling back" tests for the games they are, and doesn't want to encourage that type of behavior? People usually respond negatively to passive aggressive treatment, it's to her credit she takes it in stride, leading to the possible conclusion that she cares about you enough not to raise hell when being obviously gamed. You have established a pattern of behavior, and yoyoing her is not really the way to encourage favorable change.

Haha, yeah my last long term girlfriend was much more involved. Lots of texts, calls, plans. It was almost too much but I'd prefer that to the ice queen approach I'm getting right now.

 

You'd think a FWB situation would be great, but the sex isn't spectacular in itself and she has turned into a real homebody lately. After a few long term relationships that didn't work out, I'd really like to spend my time finding something more meaningful than spend time with someone that has no future potential. You only got so much life to live, why spend it with something mediocre?

 

I've been direct with her about the lack of contact and interest, and she has said she would change, but it hasn't happened. I know the no contact tests are passive aggressive and not great, but I was hoping to gauge her interest because she really isn't clear about her feelings other than staying with me.

 

The funny thing about the no contact tests is that she seems rather oblivious until I mention them. Writing all this stuff here has been enlightening because it really makes me realize that she shows little interest in me. When you're "in it" you can kinda lose objectivity.

 

I'll update you guys on Sunday when after I meet with her and break up.

[integralForest]

Do yourself a favor and run away from this person as fast as you can. I dated someone very similar to her and actually married her. The marriage lasted 8 years til I had enough. She was void of emotion and affection. I could have fallen off the face of the earth and she wouldnt skip a beat.

 

She claimed that she loved me, but made no effort to work on anything. She would agree to work on things and go to counseling, but she made no self efforts. So th weight of it kept falling on my shoulders. In the end, we agreed to part ways, not once did she ask to stay together.

What happened when you divorced? Did she take it all in stride? How did you cope with the lack of affection?

[pbjbear]

This topic and its responses remind me that it is hard to find that balance of not being too needy/clingy and not being too distant/aloof

 

I dated one guy once where I came on too aloof and it pissed him off, then I started less aloof and more needy and he still wasnt satisfied, then I full out acted needy/clingy and he got turned off. Men.

[soccerrprp]

This topic and its responses remind me that it is hard to find that balance of not being too needy/clingy and not being too distant/aloof

 

I dated one guy once where I came on too aloof and it pissed him off, then I started less aloof and more needy and he still wasnt satisfied, then I full out acted needy/clingy and he got turned off. Men.

 

LOL! Yeah, men! AND women! There are women like that too, but not as erratic, perhaps. Sorry about that experience. Sounded like a confused guy in the first place.

 

I often wonder if women also play the hands-off approach as men do to make their wo{man} want them more? It seems silly, but after a while of dating, I've become more hands off and it seems to be okay with my current gf. She is the one that often contacts me to find out what we're doing, when, etc. then I respond in kind and plan everything. Silly, just silly.

Edited December 8, 2012 by soccerrprp

[integralForest]

People are so complicated...

 

I went to her place and she was apparently already planning to break up with me, so in a way, it was a simultaneous dissolution of the relationship. I brought my issues up: the missing communication, the lack of date planning, the lack of verbal affection or complements, the negative attitude. She agreed. She thought they occurred because she was never totally invested in me or the relationship, and that she felt that she might be settling if she stayed with me. Despite claiming that the relationship was wrong, she was upset and was crying. I was pretty hurt and decided to leave before getting angry and just making the situation worse.

 

Later I sent her a nice "good bye" text message and she responded with an apology along with lots of nice things about me, including that she misses me and cares about me a lot. That said, I doubt she wants to get back together. She's already blocked me on gchat and facebook. So I guess things are over.

 

Honestly I think she has a huge commitment phobia. Since the relationship became official, she has been sabotaging it, pushing me further and further away. She has some serious internal conflict, but I doubt it will be resolved soon and I doubt we'll be together again. Sigh

 

Time to work on my self esteem and to find someone else

[carhill]

My sympathies. Take some time alone at the holidays to spend with family and friends. It will get better. Be aware that people do have differing styles of affection, regardless of how much or little they are into you. Someone can be very into you but express it in a way that doesn't match up with what you respond to, or vice versa. This one apparently was lukewarm in the interest department. That's fair. Good life lesson. Hope things get better.

[todreaminblue]

I've been dating a girl for about four months and our differences in showing affection are starting to get to me.

 

I'm pretty effusive; I like to give and receive verbal and physical affection. That said, I try not to be over complementary or smothering -- I try to keep it in balance. For instance, when we were first dating, I would bring her flowers every other week or so, try to help out around her place when visiting, complement her on a new dress or hairstyle, take her out to nice dinners, show interest in her hobbies / projects, etc.

 

However, it wasn't long before I realized this effort wasn't being reciprocated much. For instance, I can't recall a time when she has ever complemented me. She rarely initiates communication and never takes part in planning dates. She doesn't usually inquire about my life or hobbies, unless I ask about hers first. For instance, if I don't call her, we can go days without talking. When we finally talk, she acts like the distance wasn't a big deal and is of course glad to see me when I finally arrange a time for us to hang out.

 

I decided to pull back completely for a week and see what happened. We ended up basically not talking the entire time. When we got together, I was pretty bothered by her lack of initiative in maintaining the relationship. So we talked... she said that her parents never really showed much affection. She only talks to her family once every other month, never shares much detail about her life, and only sees her parents at most once a year. Yikes, that sounds like the way she treats me! This is the complete opposite of myself - I come from a close and affectionate family.

 

She said she recognized that being so emotionally detached was a big issue for most of the guys she's dated. In fact, she's never had a relationship longer than four months and had just gone through a very long stretch of being single. I, on the other hand, have had a couple long term relationships. She said she would work on being more involved with my life and I agreed to refrain from demonstrating my interest and affection as much.

 

But thus far, holding back how I feel makes me feel lonely and unloved. She now asks about my life more often, but when I tell her about a story from work or my friends, she looks bored and usually doesn't have much to contribute. When I don't hear much from her for several days, when she doesn't express interest in the goings on in my life, or make no attempt to plan our next date, I feel unloved. And on the subject of love, I don't think given her emotional unavailability that I could even safely express my love (as in "I love you") to her if I felt it (which I don't right now). Despite all this, she claims she wants to be with me and shows me a lot of physical affection and PDA when we are actually together. It's just when we are apart, its like I don't really exist.

 

Now I'm at a cross-roads about whether to end the relationship or not: Her and I are clearly incompatible in how we show affection. I might even be more into her than she is into me. That said, on paper we are a good couple regarding mutual interests, career objectives, etc. I know she cares for me and respects me (she's said as much - although very rarely), but just knowing isn't turning out to be enough for me. I'm wondering if other people have had successful experiences with this type of incompatibility or is the relationship doomed?

 

 

I cant say i have had a really affectionate relationship...i reciprocate always......i wasnt shown a lot of affection from my father either, my mother always did......but we werent a touchy feely family....i am aloof normally...unless i genuinely like someone ....i make attempts to be more demonstrative....my affection comes unforced though....i gave my sister a kiss on the cheek the other week havent done so in a long time....

 

 

i think i have missed affection in a relationship because when they have been affectionate i enjoy it...i never pushed for it...and i stayed anyway......i actually understand your need for affection physical touch is important....and as far as verbal appreciation goes i am always interested in a partners day if they are part of my life i want to share their days tears fears and happiness i would hope they would want to share mine too.....and when if i used the one word fine to describe my day and immediately said tell me about yours.....they would then know....my day wasnt so good and i just need a hug....i think knowing cues in regards to intimacy si also important ....having enough interest to read behind what is said....i always knew a partners cues....when to hug and when to not......maybe thats why i am so vague....too much thought...deb

Edited December 10, 2012 by todreaminblue

[integralForest]

This relationship has ended up being much more heart ache than I would have ever anticipated. I thought it would be just breaking up with someone who never cared about me.

 

Although the breakup was quick, we talked later that day for about two hours on the phone. She was crying and telling me how much she liked me and wanted me, but just couldn't see the relationship working out. The next day, I went to her house and we laid on her bed and she was crying, kissing and hugging me, and telling me all these wonderful things about me.

 

ITS SO DAMN CONFUSING... why treat me with such carelessness, why withhold, and then when I'm leaving, finally treat me with so much love and affection. And even with all that love and care, she still won't commit. She said the crux of it is that she just can't make herself progress the relationship. She said things like initiating calling and meetups, or meeting my parents aren't something she could do today and probably wouldn't be able to do them in a year (if we were to keep dating). She said she probably won't date and is content to be alone.

 

Clearly she has issues. But this last minute play with my emotions has left me hurting and emotionally jaded. I feel sick about it all. I've decided to go strict no contact until I'm over her.

[Monty4321]

Monty, curious...was your ex affectionate when you first met? Early in the relationship?

 

Sorry i took awhile to respond. I don't know how to set alerts. No she was not affectionate in the beginning either. But she was more in the beginning. I figured with time and comfort she'd become more affectionate, it never came no matter how much i tried to work with her and even taking to counseling. It's way too much of a hassle to work with someone like that if they don't have the desire to change or adjust themselves to meet the others needs

[Negative Nancy]

"what are you having for dinner?" "food" is her response?!

 

hahahaha , see I find that answer hilarious. She probably just has a very dry sense of humor.