smile95 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I have been dating a sep man fo 2 yrs and he is going through the final stages of divorce and he is very confused and upset. However it has been 2 weeks and he will not retunr me calls or emails? It breaks my heart that he will not even tell me to leave him alone for a while or that he will not talk to me about it. The last two years he has been really hurtful and never making time for me! I have been chasing him and so upset for 2 wks and decided to stop chasing. WIll he ever call? If I stop maybe ? He has done this before and then calls and acts like nothing was wrong and he just needed space. I am tired of being walked all over! I want to move on, but good memories rush back and I want to pick up the phone and talk, but I know he will not answer and I get even madder! Do I stop calling him? Maybe this is my way out? I do not want to be with him, but at the same time, I do? I am really sad and hurt. How could he not contact me when he knows I am upset?? This is a long dist relationship too! So I cannot just go over there! HELP!
Velveteel Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I'm sorry to say this, but he isn't interested in a serious relationship with you if he doesn't call for two weeks because he's feeling a little hurt and overwhelmed with his divorce. I know you may have expected him to make a commitment to you, now that he's "free," but it doesn't look promising. Maybe this is your way out, yes. You want him and you love him, but he's wrong for you (has hurt you badly for two years, etc.). He probably found the long-distance aspect of your relationship very comforting: he could get love and support from you without having to meet your day-to-day needs. You can find someone who will. Move on. This guy was just practice for you.
rogueless Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I have been dating a sep man fo 2 yrs... The last two years he has been really hurtful and never making time for me! I am tired of being walked all over! Do I stop calling him? Maybe this is my way out? Read the abbreviated version of what you wrote. You answered your own question.
littleflowerpot Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 i wish i could give you an answer that you'd want to hear but sometimes a person's inactions speak as loudly as their actions. this guy does not care about your feelings. it will hurt like hell but i think you know that you need to move on. don't keep writing or calling him because that only pushes him further away and it helps him to use the excuse that you're too needy.
midnitebuterfly Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by beth5201 I have been dating a sep man fo 2 yrs and he is going through the final stages of divorce and he is very confused and upset. However it has been 2 weeks and he will not retunr me calls or emails? It breaks my heart that he will not even tell me to leave him alone for a while or that he will not talk to me about it. The last two years he has been really hurtful and never making time for me! I have been chasing him and so upset for 2 wks and decided to stop chasing. WIll he ever call? If I stop maybe ? He has done this before and then calls and acts like nothing was wrong and he just needed space. I am tired of being walked all over! I want to move on, but good memories rush back and I want to pick up the phone and talk, but I know he will not answer and I get even madder! Do I stop calling him? Maybe this is my way out? I do not want to be with him, but at the same time, I do? I am really sad and hurt. How could he not contact me when he knows I am upset?? This is a long dist relationship too! So I cannot just go over there! HELP! Beth, Just leave him alone, you can find better. He is not worth your tears and heartach. You need to just move on hon..
Author smile95 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 I really appreciate all of your replies. I know what I have to do, but it hurts since all of my future dreams included him. I know deep down that this is wrong of him. It is nice to know I have a place to get advice! Thank you so much...if you do not mind, whenever I want to pick up the phone, I am writing to you all! I just get these urges to call, but then think...what the heck! He has not called me, why shouls I give a SH*& about him! Maybe he likes that I still tried to contact him. I have been contact free for 2 days going on 3! I know that sounds little to you all, but for me this is huge! I hope that I can feel what I felt for him with another. I have to beleive it! THANKS!!!!
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Whenever you wanna call him, PM me with what you want to say to him (Pretend I'm him). I'll reply in kind, and you can be sure I'll put ya right off.
midnitebuterfly Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by beth5201 I really appreciate all of your replies. I know what I have to do, but it hurts since all of my future dreams included him. I know deep down that this is wrong of him. It is nice to know I have a place to get advice! Thank you so much...if you do not mind, whenever I want to pick up the phone, I am writing to you all! I just get these urges to call, but then think...what the heck! He has not called me, why shouls I give a SH*& about him! Maybe he likes that I still tried to contact him. I have been contact free for 2 days going on 3! I know that sounds little to you all, but for me this is huge! I hope that I can feel what I felt for him with another. I have to beleive it! THANKS!!!! No problem hon. I knowit's hard to like not pick of th ephone and call. I had that with my ex too. I still miss tho..
Author smile95 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 I did not call again today and feel ok...so far....the thing I hate most is thinking that he never loved me in the 2 yrs and that the talk of the future was bull? I thought he cared. I think with it being long dist, I built him up so much that my fantasy was quickly ruined by reality. I am trying to get thru this! I cry one day and fine the next? Wonder if he will ever call again? Hopefully bu then, I will be so strong and not answer! I know in my heart I did nothing wrong, so that makes it easier. I know he is selfish and does not communicate and maybe he is upset about possibly losing custody of his child, but still he does not care that i am hurt too. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT!
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 Does this no contact thing really work??? It has been 3 days since I stopped and 2 wks since I heard from his last. The last thing he said was he loved me and was giving me suggestions on what ca to get and then boom he drops off the earth? I hate being in limbo. I am not sure if I want to do the no contact for a reaction or to get over him? I guess either way will work. I have never felt so fooled. I believed him. My life was going to be with him. I guess I cannot trust people like I thought.
snilljente Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I am going through this same thing...I do not think that it means that the last two years were a lie or that he didn't love you...I think this is way of coping...he runs....he does not give you the communication that you deserve and instead leaves you out in the cold....he is falling back on old ways of coping instead of looking at his past and seeing that these ways did not work (i.e. his divorce) and that he needs to grow and better himself and find new ways of coping which include communicating what is going on with the important people in his life. I too am experiencing the not taking my calls, returning my messages....and it hurts like hell....how do they flip a switch and go from hot to cold....it's hard, but in the end, they are hurting themselves....I think that it is important to let them know that this is not how we want to handle things and that if they want to be with us, it needs to be a team effort....my question is..is if my ex calls after some time of his silent treatment, does it just mean that down the road he will run again when he gets "stressed"...these are ingrained patterns of behavior that these people are falling back on and they will change only if they want to, not because we are bugging them.....but I know it HURTS!!!
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 THanks for the post! THis is the 3 rd time he has done this to me and I know he did it before me. I hate it. It is like he is punishing me? HE always calls, but this time feels different? I do not think he will? I do not know what is going on and it really is heart breaking that he ignores me after all I have been thru with him. I know he loves me to the best of his ability, but I have to decide if I can put up with that forever. People do not change. He will realize when he loses me. He has not called in 2 wks and I chased and called and tex for 1.5 weeks and tomorrow is day 4 of no contact on my part. It seems to be ok. THe more I tried to call and get him to call me and the more he ignored me like Iwas nothing the madder I would get. I mean furious! When he did it b4, he calls and acts like nothing is wrong. You are right...he does run. Wonder where he learned that?
snilljente Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 He could have learned it from a number of places...i.e. his parents, or he has done it so many times that it feels comfortable because he is used to using it as his way to cope....but the important thing is that he is hurting you....and he keeps doing it. If I were you (my relationship was much newer, so this is the first time he has run), I would require that if/when he does contact you again, he commit to working on this issue. I have a couple of questions 1)does he admit that this is a problem...2)how old are you guys i.e. 20s/30s 3)would he go to counseling and commit to making an EFFORT to change...if I were you, if he isn't, I would leave...you are in for a lifetime of this pattern...and you deserve to be happy, we all do. I understand people have a hard time with life, I am not trying to be cold hearted, but it only takes a call to say that they are ok, that they need a couple of days to cope, a short explanation, but the silent treatment is cruel.
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2004 Author Posted August 12, 2004 I agree....it takes a sec to say I need time, etc. We are both 29. He would never admit he has issues. I ask him to talk and he says "we are fine" I go to therapy and he does not even know. I have been going for emotional abuse. This cold shoulder/silent treatment is uncalled for. He would really never change I know this. Accepting it is another story. How can I love him still? UGH!!! I want to scream sometimes. I know one say he will call, but I have to stay strong. I think he does this becasue he knows I forgive everything...not this time. Thanks for your thoughts. It really helps. You have no idea! I thought I was the only one in the world gong thru this. I guess I should trust that this is happ for a reason.
Rubber_Chicken Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 Bump For Beth , 16 months later nothing has changed
Author smile95 Posted September 4, 2005 Author Posted September 4, 2005 Yikes! Only 13 months really! lol That was a wake up call! It actaully has been 2 yrs! Proves that people do not change no matter how much you want them to. THanks for pointing that out!
suegail Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Beth, Just keep doing your best to avoid calling him or contacting him in any way. He knows how to pick up a phone. Let him be the one. YOu've certainly done all you can. He knows you love him. I'd like to see you not ever hurt again by him and it sounds as if he's done a fair amount of inflicting hurt, therefore I advise that you do give him up if he ever tries to get back in your life. You deserve so much better, but I know it's hard when you've had a history together and expectations of a future together. What kind of future would you have together though if he's this cold and inconsiderate?
DawgyLama Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 This guy doesn't even have the guts to face you or even phone you to tell you he doesn't want to see you anymore don't waste anymore time on him. I know it hurts to be treated this way (believe me I know). I also you that you definately deserve better and he doesn't deserve anymore of your time and energy.
Author smile95 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Although this post is from last yr, I still feel the same.......did not want you to think I broke NC....this post was from 2004....sad I know!
DawgyLama Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 I didn't read the date sorry. I've read the NC in several posts but I'm still not sure what that is can you explain? You're still feeling the same? I'm sorry to hear that. You really do deserve better than to be feeling bad about that guy or any guy who doesn't see how fantastic you are. I'm saying that because I need to believe it too (about me). I just read a book that has helped a lot though it's called "He Just Not That Into You". The case of the disappearing guy is one of the chapters. Although my guy was not one who just disappeared I realize now that he was never THAT into me and I knew it long before he finally admitted it ( a rare occurance). Anyway thanks for responding I sure hope things are looking up for you soon. I think anyone who would spend time on a board like this must be worth way more than a gutless wonder.
Author smile95 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Hey- NC is short for No contact. There are several posts on it if you do a search. Basically, it is not speaking to that person and getting them out of your life to heal. It works. I am sorry you are having a hard time too. Since that post from last yr...he has "disappeared" 4 more times. Comes back and then goes. He is under a lot of stress at work, but no excuse. I have just decided that I cannot do this anymore. It is hard, but I know it is for the best. I am tired of being miserable. How long were you with your ex?
DawgyLama Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 I thought it might mean no contact but I wasn't sure. It doesn't surprise me that your guy showed up again and then disppeared again (that's in the book too) I was only with my ex for a short time (6months) because I saw the author of that book on Oprah and that started me asking questions. If I had not done that I could have wasted a lot more time on him and he would have most likely been content to go on with the status quo. Though it still hurts even after a short time I'm glad I got out when I did rather than feeling the uncertainty and not trusting my feelings.
tototo Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 Well...ok me and ex girlfriend were together 7 months and i was her first one and we just broke up like 3 weeks ago and shes really mean to me she doest want to c me or talk to me or anything everytime i try to talk to her she's really mean to me she says things that hurts me and the thing is that she got a newboyfriend the first week we broke up does that me she doest care about me at all or what? but anyways i can't talk to her at all she doest let me she just tells me i hate you ..you were the worst thing that happen to me and that i love someone else and she hates me things tha hurst me but the weird thing is that....i had a party this weekend and i invited her and she came and an hour after she lelft and i try to talk to her but she was mean and she said i want to do something with someone that i care about (that means her new boyfriend) but i dont know whats goin on i dont know if i have a chance with her ...she broke up with me for this guy because this guy doest drink doest smoke or anything and i do drink but i dont smoke lol...i dont know if it matters but yea and she thinks his the greates thing in the worrld ...but yea i dont kow what to do .....i need help ?
heartnsoul Posted September 5, 2005 Posted September 5, 2005 tototo Sounds like there's something more to your situation. Where is the hatred coming from (on her end)? Sounds like you need to leave her be! beth5201 I'm going thru something very similar. One weekend he's telling me that he loves me and the next POOF pull away mode. 5 weeks and not a word from him. I was nothing but good to him and his daughter and he just goes away w/out telling me that it's over. I just don't get people!! I've read 'He's just not that into you' it is definitely an interesting book however, I don't buy all of it. I think life situations sometimes CAN come into play. That doesn't mean that one should allow another to take advantage though! It's all about knowing what you want and expect out of a relationship and acting upon it. That being said....why is closure so hard to find? lol Beth ....These 'disappearing' acts....how long do they last on average?
Author smile95 Posted September 5, 2005 Author Posted September 5, 2005 Beth ....These 'disappearing' acts....how long do they last on average? It depends on what is going on in his life...anywhere frm 2 weeks to a month.
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