DC4 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 As I have stated no less than 100 times in this forum I am shockingly ignorant about dating. My friends have told me I am too accessible. My profession dictates that I be proactive with calls and as reactive to messages as possible. That's my habit and that's what I do with men I date. I am starting to think my friends are right. I seem to get better responses when I sit on my hands or hide my phone from myself and wait for men to pursue me. Here's the thing-I do not want to feel like I'm playing games. Not messaging when I want to or holding off inviting a man out seems like a game. With that said, I can see the counterpoint of it being overwhelming, too much or taking the fun out of it for the guy. I am not ready to settle in with either of the men I date regularly, so landing a man so to speak isn't my main goal right this moment. What I do want is to keep their interest as they have kept mine. so back to the title-what is the right amount of chase vs. too accessible vs playing games with a man?
clia Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Here's the thing-I do not want to feel like I'm playing games. Not messaging when I want to or holding off inviting a man out seems like a game. With that said, I can see the counterpoint of it being overwhelming, too much or taking the fun out of it for the guy. I think people tend to overuse the term “playing games” when it comes to dating. I don’t think it’s “playing games” to have some self restraint. You don’t need to message every thought you have to a new guy, but I think you know that. The main idea behind some of the books out there which many equate to “playing games” (i.e. The Rules, He’s Just Not That Into You, etc.) is merely that you should have a life and interests of your own. If you are doing your own thing (keeping busy, going out with friends), then you aren’t sitting next to your phone waiting for him to call or obsessing over whether it is okay to send him a text message or call him. Sometimes I believe that overthinking it too much leads to what many refer to as “playing games.” When you start counting phone calls and messages, it’s way beyond where it should be. so back to the title-what is the right amount of chase vs. too accessible vs playing games with a man? You are going to hear 100 different opinions on this! Just some thoughts... Dating should be easy and fun. It shouldn’t be stressful. Don’t make it stressful. I’m a big believer in letting the guy do the majority (but not all) of the pursuing. (This is what has worked for me – I know some other women disagree with this approach.) I think guys like to be the pursuer. What does this mean? Let him initiate the majority of the phone calls, texts, and asking out. Be receptive in response. (I’m assuming here that you like the guy and want to keep hearing from him!) If he leaves a voice mail, call him back within a reasonable timeframe (by the next day at the very latest); if he texts, respond in a reasonable timeframe (it’s text, so a few hours at most); if he asks you out, say yes, or if you can’t go, offer an alternative day/time. You shouldn’t be counting hours or minutes or days when it comes to responding. Ideally, you have a life and are out having fun or working or at the grocery store or at the gym sometimes, so you respond to him when you can – but not in an unreasonable amount of time. In other words, you convey to him clearly that you are interested. When he calls, sound happy to hear from him! As far as you initiating…I think it’s okay to do this sometimes, as long as he is initiating the majority of the time. (And in fact, you should be initiating sometimes. Guys are people too, and they like to feel wanted and special. By allowing him to do it the majority of the time, though, you make it feel special when you do it.) It’s perfectly fine to invite him out with your friends occasionally, or to suggest a great restaurant that you want to go to, or whatever. It’s also okay to shoot him a text message when something reminds you of him, or when something occurs to you to tell him. It’s okay to be the one to call him when you realize he’s called you the past few times. Just don’t overdo it. You don’t want to be the one who is always asking him out or always calling him. This takes some practice if you are the type of person who wants to be in constant communication. Also, it depends a lot on the guy on what is too much. Some guys like a lot of texts; others are annoyed by it. You just have to try to gage it. Ideally you find someone who likes to engage in the same amount of communication that you do. Do what feels natural and right for the relationship. As far as being too accessible…frankly if you have a full life of work and friends and hobbies, you shouldn’t always be able to answer the phone on the first ring, or respond to a text message immediately, or able to go out every time he suggests it. You should be making plans for your evenings in advance, so typically you aren’t able to go on last minute dates. (And yes, plans for the evening can include things like scrubbing your bathroom, going to the grocery store, going to the gym, or even catching up on your DVR.) I do think there is something to be said for expecting a guy to make plans with you in advance and not taking the crumbs of being a last minute date. It also makes it more special and gives you both something to look forward to. You also shouldn’t be seeing him any more than 3-4 times a week. I don’t consider any of the above to be playing games; others may disagree. The following may be a bit of game playing: You don’t always have to answer the phone every time it rings, and you don’t always have to call him back immediately, even if you can. You also don’t have to share with him every detail about your day. (i.e., “Hey, want to do something tonight?” answer “I can’t, I have plans, how about Friday?” as opposed to “I can’t, I’m scrubbing my toilet tonight, how about Friday?”) Sometimes I think it’s fine to just let him wonder what you are doing. This can drive a guy crazy wondering if you are out with other guys, when in fact, you are home wearing rubber gloves and scrubbing your toilet. But don’t leave him hanging. If he asks what you are doing, you can tell him. Just don’t volunteer the information. And say it in a more seductive way than “I was scrubbing my toilet!” In other words, never lie to him about what you were doing or who you were with – that will always come back to bite you.
carhill Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 so back to the title-what is the right amount of chase vs. too accessible vs playing games with a man? With the 'right' man, the issue will be a non-issue. If your style is to be responsive, that's your style. If that turns a man off, it does. If it turns him on, it does. If he's 'meh', that. If you're 'keeping their interest' when pressing flesh, which is the important part, being responsive to their communications will be an issue of little significance, if any. 1
Author DC4 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Thank you for the well thought out and thorough answer, Clia! Letting the man drive the bus is going to be a challenge for me. I'm not a chronic texter and I hate the phone so I almost never call. I will initiate conversations so I'm trying to rein that in like you said. I am extraordinarily busy. My friends and I have plans many days of the week. My job is pretty demanding and oh yes-I need my TV time like I need air. Well, maybe that's not quite right. We do lots of things but my plans are usually fluid; I can move things around should I choose to without issue. Communication is a challenge for me, as in I can't stop. I am on a conference call that is peripherally connected to what I do. I am typing this right now because the thought of an unanswered message gives me palpitations. I will stare at that phone half in a panic at the thought of an unanswered text. One of my dates works at my company (we don't work together) so I always have relevant things to share. I'm working to not text everything that spills out of my brain as my day goes on. I like what you said about volunteering plans. I have gotten better about that and it's actually worked to my advantage-as in I get more attention. One guy is super busy and I'm trying to just shut my mouth and let him do the inviting. Things are more complicated with the other guy, but due to being busier (and I think he knows about guy #2) things are getting easier and more fluid. I like what you have to say, and you're saying what I had suspected. I'm working on it!
Author DC4 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 With the 'right' man, the issue will be a non-issue. If your style is to be responsive, that's your style. If that turns a man off, it does. If it turns him on, it does. If he's 'meh', that. If you're 'keeping their interest' when pressing flesh, which is the important part, being responsive to their communications will be an issue of little significance, if any. I get what you're saying. I don't want to change things about me to keep a guy in orbit. It's not a big deal for me to throttle back texts, though. I don't want to be annoying. This is one of those self esteem things I'm working on. Sexy time has been a success but I'm hoping that's not the only thing that's keeping them coming back!
carhill Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 What I've noticed personally about texts and e-mail is that there is little intimacy felt. That's consistent with my style of prosecuting relationships in person. I can't get worked up emotionally about a lady who's putting texts onto my phone. Hearing her voice? Better. Pressing flesh? Best. If you're running into men with that kind of style, then the constant communication might be off-putting to them. Another man, with a different style, no problem. I see this issue as running parallel to, meaning on a different path from, 'sexy time'. One can have a vibrant sex life, feel great intimacy and still wish for/desire/require differing amounts/qualities of communication, from relatively distant to joined at the hip. Each person is different.
clia Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 The lack of volunteering information can really be effective. I think as women we naturally want to share a lot of details about our day and our lives, but that really can work to your detriment in the early stages of dating. It’s good to have some mystery there – and men fill in the blanks when they don’t hear from you for a little while just like women do! They get nervous – where is she and what is she doing and who is she with? Is she texting someone else? LOL. I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend, there were a couple times that I got home from work and crashed fairly early. In the meantime, he called and left a voicemail that I didn’t get until morning since I was asleep. I called him back the next day, but didn’t say “Oh, I fell asleep at 8 o’clock.” I just talked to him like nothing, and he didn't ask what I was doing. (I honestly didn’t even do this intentionally – in fact, I felt kind of dumb for falling asleep so early!) After we got to know each other better, he brought this up, and I told him I had just gone to sleep early on those nights. He admitted that he had been waiting and waiting to hear back from me on those nights, and his brain was all twisted up wondering who I was out with and what I was doing, because he assumed I was out – not that I was sleeping! I LOL’ed a little bit, I’ll be honest.
Author DC4 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 What I've noticed personally about texts and e-mail is that there is little intimacy felt. That's consistent with my style of prosecuting relationships in person. I can't get worked up emotionally about a lady who's putting texts onto my phone. Hearing her voice? Better. Pressing flesh? Best. If you're running into men with that kind of style, then the constant communication might be off-putting to them. Another man, with a different style, no problem. I see this issue as running parallel to, meaning on a different path from, 'sexy time'. One can have a vibrant sex life, feel great intimacy and still wish for/desire/require differing amounts/qualities of communication, from relatively distant to joined at the hip. Each person is different. I definitely agree about how impersonal emails and texts are, but it's a habit I got into with my ex. For eight years we only called each other if it was urgent, not just to be like "oh hey"-and I'm talking as a married couple as well. We'd IM at work if there was something to say. I really hesitate to call guys because I feel like I'm intruding on their day. Definitely an issue I need to get over especially since these guys I keep referencing call me to chat fairly regularly and I never pick up the phone first.
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