is it just my bf that does that, or some other guys are like that too?

[mehim]

ok, here we go, i dont know if my bf is the only one that does that everyonce and a while, but im gonna ask u guys. we have been together on and off for less than two years, sometimes he wouldnt call me for a whole week, or few days, then he would call.

 

if i would call him, he doesnt answer or return my calls, we talk to each other everyday, few times sometimes. but i dont understand, why does he do that, when i ask him, he says i was busy, thats not an excuse. i know that guys need their space and all, and i give him plenty of that, i dont even call him when he goes through that, until i figure out, that he doesnt want to talk to me for now, but he never tells me anything, we dont have any problems, so we are not mad at each other or anything.

 

so can someone explain to me why do guys or maybe just my guy does that? any comments would be appreciated.

[princess75]

Ok, here is how it works. Do you trust him ? Do you really know him and truly love him? If you do know him and love him, then be assured that you know exactly where do you stand. But now, if you are having doubts, that means....that maybe you suspect something. Try to see things clearly. YOu know even if you are not seeing someone you know where you stand. Like sometimes everything seems like something else, when it is something different. Maybe someone shows you love and they actually dont care. Or the other way around, someone is not there for you..but you know they love you. But this requires for you to have a lot of self confidence on yourself, and know yourself and the other person a lot too. Just bluntly ask him why he does that, if he gives you lame excuses and you are not convinced, then you should ask yourself what you want. And, peopel are different. It depends what you want from life, then you will know what is right and wrong for you.

Hope this helps

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by mehim

but i dont understand, why does he do that, when i ask him, he says i was busy, thats not an excuse.

: Uhm, it's not? It sounds like a perfectly good reason to me. He doesn't call you when he's busy.

i know that guys need their space and all, and i give him plenty of that

: Are you saying he doesn't make enough time for you?

but he never tells me anything, we dont have any problems, so we are not mad at each other or anything.

: How would you know there were no problems if he never talks to you about them? Do you mean he hasn't brought up problems, or is he just noncommunicative in general.

[mehim]

but he never tells me anything, we dont have any problems, so we are not mad at each other or anything.

 

i meant to say that he never tells me anything about him needing space, or not to talk to him for a little bit, i didnt explain myself on that one sorry. and he doesnt like to really open up a lot about his problems, he would tell me sometimes, but he likes to hide stuff.

 

i do trust him, i just hate that fact that he does that, and i get worried about him, i really dont mind it if he would tell me i dont feel like talking to u for alittle bit, but at least tell me, but nope he doesnt do that, he just like to disapper for alittle bit.

 

and im only not so secure right now about the whole relationship, cuz we were broken up for 5months, and just got back together few weeks ago, so im just a little scared, although, the fact that he has done that before, he always comes back, it just still worries me in a way.

 

i actually feel a little more confident than before, when he first did that, cuz now i know him more, and thats the only thing thats making me feel a bit better about this situation.

 

sigh, men, men, men, y cant they be a little more easy to understand.

[Kate]

well my bf does that too - -and has done it since the beginning. it's like one day things are GREAT...then you don't hear from him for a few days, and it's hard when you are used to talking every day,,,then,,,nothing!!

 

my guy was really into me for a few years before we actually started dating. then we started dating, things were great, and we started falling in love. but since day 1, he would do this thing where he would act really close, then not even return my calls!!! now -- i would almost put my life on the fact that he NEVER wanted to nor did date anyone else. this i am CERTAIN of!! so, the question remains, WHY?? just like your bf, he has a really hard time opening up, and never ever gets emotional or talks about his feelings. it started getting to the point where after just 4 months together, we really started fighting - and it all stemmed from my insecurity about his actions. we had sooooooooooo many talks about what was wrong, and just couldn't figure it out -- now i know it was his inconsistency that bothered me all along. it made me feel weak and insecure. but, he wasn't doing it on PURPOSE...it's just how he was. but, i couldn't accept that even though i promised myself i would. it cause more arguments and he said he needed a break and space in may. this lasted 2 months.

 

now we are in a wierd state. feelings haven't changed or gone away, but i have altered my approach on several different fronts now -- for one, i say something the second it bothers me. i don't wait a couple days, get sad about the fact that he didn't call me back. i tell him that that is not acceptable to me, (nicely) and that what i need is to know someone will always be there for me to count on. also, i changed my approach a little bit recently. don't get SAD or EMOTIONAL when you tell them something you don't like...be blunt, detached and firm, but compassionate at the same time. don't get emotional, whatever you do, because once you do that a guy will just totally shut you out. just the way it works. when i was doing the emotional stuff, it NEVER worked once. third, i have decided (recently!!) to start choosing my battles more carefully. i have been convinced because of my OWN insecurity that he doesn't love me, maybe there is someone else, blahblahblha. none of that is true. i know how he feels for me deep down, it was just the inconsistency that made me think it wasn't genuine -- but i know in my heart it was. if there is anything now preventing him from loving me more it is the way i act and react to him.

 

a final part of all of this is that some guys will be with you and be faithful even when they aren't ready -- and i know my guy is not -- because they don't want to lose a good thing, and they know they WILL be ready SOME day ... the sooner you relax the sooner they will be ready. my bf is totally in need of space, but we don't want to lose a good thing. and it hurts so badly cause all i want to do is spend every minute with him. i want to see him every day and hang out like we used to. but all of the emotional turmoil i have been putting myself through is not worth it.

 

my final advice is honestly to LET HIM CALL YOU. when you call him, he may be like my bf and although he likes it cause you care, they need to feel that they are the pursuer. i have a very extroverted personality and my bf is very introverted -- so me pursuing him is like incredibly overboard, and one last thing he probably doesn't want done right now. if you let him call you, pick up -- if you are bsuy and he doesn't leave a message, wait for him to call again. my bf called me this morning and didn't leave a message. i will wait to hear from him again as i have gotten to a point where there is seriously no reason to call him back. i know this sounds like a game, but you have to do what WORKS, not what you WANT. right now i am all concerned about the fact that i have yelled at him for not calling me back and here i am ignoring his call, but i only get pissed when i leave a message and he doesn't call. whatever the case, just don't react anymore. it has taken me a Looooooooooong time to realize that it's not me, it's him. and it's not another girl. i am in the same place as you right now because we are JUST getting back together. it's rocky. for me, what i need is to see him more!! for him, what he needs is space before he feels comfortable and can trust us together emotionally again. i pushed him away with pursuing like crazy.

 

one last thing -- every time you talk to him you are making a memory. unless you have a specific gripe -- and even if you do, say your peace and then change the subject -- be happy, pleasant, confident, light. i have been making the mistake of getting too heavy, conversing about relationship stuff, making him uncomfortable to a point where while i believe it is important, at this point he has already heard it all...the more i talk the less he will listen. so keep in mind good memories. if i were you, i would randomly mention from time to time to him that "i left you a message because i wanted to talk to you -- and honestly, in a relationship, knowing someone will get back to me even if it's not that important is really important to me." then change the subject. and if he doesn't really change, you will have to decide what to do. that's the stage i am in right now, and what i have FINALLY decided to do is just detach myself a little more, keep it lighter because i love him too much but can't seem to win this battle of what i need versus what he gives to me. if you love him, you will not change him and it's not something worth fighting. also, guys do NOT really hear words -- they feel actions -- so if you withdraw from him a little to protect yourself, he will seethat. but it has to be a strong mental state...not a contrived emotional messy thing!

[mehim]

thank you kate, for ur advice, i have read it like three times already, because i keep on feeling a little weak, and having the urge to call him and leave him a message. its been almost a week.

 

and at least ur bf does it only for a few days, mine like to do it for a week or more. i always tell myself, damn what the hell goes through his mind at that time, when he know that im worried about him, and wanting to talk to him.

[hugznkisses21]

mehim,

 

My bf despite everything makes an appoint to call me everyday (even if it is just to say goodnight I lvoe you) despite how i hardly see him.

 

BUT I have a friend who had a bf that would do that and they were together for 3 years and had a wonderful relatioship...they had a great time together...it was weird she would just be like I called RYan and he would call back a week later.....I think sometimes a guys thing...but not all guys. *sidenote* they did break up but not for any reason relating to that**

[hugznkisses21]

Best advice after all the crap i am going through is be stong and let him chase you...LET HIM CALL. be like everything is fine and do your own thing DONT CALL HIM....remeber they love to be chased

[Kate]

This is interesting -- hugznkisses, you say that you know of successful relationships where the people don't talk every day or even every few days? Although i think i can accept and embrace this, it's just a little bit hard because i think i question myself too much.

 

i have sincerely made the mistake of overreacting to my bf's need for space. actually, i don't want to say it was a mistake, because clearly my needs were not being met. but at the same time, if you love someone you don't change them. this has been hard for me, i didn't know if i could do this...but i see how he loves me at times when i don't feel insecure. like yesterday. and all feels ok that he wants to feel like he has space. i mean, at least he's not saying he wants to date other people. but, if you are too pushy he will want to.

 

my breaks with my bf helped HIM i think to realize that although we don't have to talk everyday, he does have to be more loving and communiccative at times. this has been a problem for us, as he is emotionally slient, pretty scarily consistent and it seems like nothing would ever bother him or make him insecure. i imagine that if you are feeling insecure that there are other things going on in the relationship you need to discuss. for me and my bf, it was timing and some other personal issues like him moving out of his house (finally he's 26!) and getting stable with himself independenty. he had also just ended a 4 year relationship only one month prior to datin gme. that is a LOT for a young man to handle.

 

go get help for yourself -- i am -- if you have a hard time dealing with this. even if you decide you can't put up with your situation, it will make you a stornger person to realize what SHOULD and SHOULD NOT bother you. because your heart shouldn't race like mine does when he says he is too busy to see you or that he's tired and it's not a good time. (how could he not want to see me?????? !!). he said that yesterday to me and i said, "well i'm busy until saturday and i really want to see you quickly!" he said ok and we had a great time for the 2 hours we hung out. try to plan in advance as well. it helps a lot for your mindset!!! like make plans a few days in advance so you have osmething to look forward to.

[mehim]

well i actually couldnt take it anymroe, so i had to call him, i havent called him in a week, last night i coulndt sleep, and i had to wake up at 5am. anyways, i just wanted to let it out, and let him know what i wanted to say.

 

so i called and off cours no answer, i left him a message, saying that out of respect u need to call me and tell me whats going on, if u dont want to talk to me just tell me, let me know if we r still together or not, just out of respect.

 

so three hours later, guess who calls, yup u guessed right he did, and talking to me like nothing happened, with the same lame excuse i was busy.

but this time i let him know, that if u want to take some time by urself, just let me know would u, he said ok ill try.

 

so here these crazy men, drive me crazy, i wish they would be a little bit more open.