Totally heartbroken.

[Heartbroken dad]

Hello, I've been lurking on here for a couple of weeks now but decided it was time to register and tell my story.

 

3 weeks ago my wife of 12 years (together for 20) told me there was nothing there any more, the love had gone! Reasons given were that I didn't do lots of the little things like compliments etc. in doing so, over the years I've driven her away. She tried to tell me about these things but I was complacent and buried my head in the sand. Given lots of very difficult health issues we had battled through appeared to make us stronger but like I say, I got complacent. I have never been one to express my feelings very well as I just never feel comfortable with it. I always thought my wife looked stunning but instead of saying it I just said "you look fine" or "you'll do" how bloody stupid of me. I've neglected our 3 wonderful children too, again I have no idea why. All this culminated in her deciding enough was enough.

 

4 days after she told me, I moved to my mums with just a few clothes and a couple of bits and pieces. What a wake up call this is! I have taken a long hard look at myself and didnt really like some of what I saw, so decided that whatever happens I will never be like that again. This situation has made me talk about feelings and emotions instead of locking them away. I've gone through the pouring my heart out and explaining this to her, but she seems to have her mind set.

 

I'm seeing 2 of my 3 children regularly and speaking every day. It's tearing me apart not seeing them day in, day out. I love my wife and kids so much, and want to be able to try to put things right. I know I can't make her love me again, but maybe with the new improved me she could in time. She's refusing to consider any options and says she's much happier since I left. I have almost accepted the marriage is over but I can't bear to see or speak to her as it hurts so much, and the thought of her with someone else is killing me.

 

For 2 weeks I was a complete mess, couldn't eat, sleep and barely functioned. The only bright time was a few hours with my 2 daughters. I've stopped crying so much now but it's the only thing on my mind every waking moment. I want to make a fresh start away from her in another country but have to stay for my kids. We are already in the process of starting to sell our home and do all the practical things that need doing. I'm stuck currently live a quarter of a mile from them all and i can't handle being without them. I just want to be able to make them all happy as one big family with me in it too.

 

I really don't know what approach is best now. Obviously NC is out of the question. I'm just hoping that the stark reality of putting our home up for sale and changing bank accounts etc makes her realise that I am worth another try. I'm so angry with myself that now I have woken up and smelt the coffee it could well be too late.

[Holyoak]

Sorry to read your story, and can tell how upset you are... You have every right to be! Masculine man hugs sent. Not to add to your pain, but do you think, or have considered their may be another man in the picture?

 

Many times, cheaters follow a very predictible script I and many others have read of and experienced, and your story raises my cheater spidy senses. Let me flat out tell you if she is cheating, you are IN NO WAY responsible, NONE! I can tell you regardless of the situation, you must appear to be calm, strong, and in control. She IMO already disrespects you by her actions and how she arrived to them, and you MUST NOT appear weak, wish-washy, or needy/begging... I know the pain you are going through, and even if you have to fake it, you have to be as strong as possible; your kids need you at the best you can be. This also means stay off the bangers and mashpups, drink lots of water, and stay active and engaged with the world.

 

Please be easy on yourself... You could have been the "perfect" husband, and she still could have done what she did for a variety of reasons, but it is good for your own benefit to evaluate yourself, and use this experience to improve yourself whatever the outcome.

 

Good luck, and everyone is pulling for you!

[2.50 a gallon]

I too am sorry that you are here.

 

Alas it is an often told story, that we don't wake up until it is too late. Take it as a lesson learned and put it into action, while you move on in life.

 

How old are your kids, I am guessing pre-teens.

 

I am also guessing that you might be the semi bah humbug kind.

 

If so start moving on in life by getting into the holidays. Decorate, and put up some lights.

 

For now concentrate on your kids.

[crazykat73]

Without knowing HER side of the story, I can give you a little female perspective since I, like your wife, left a 13 yr. relationship for many of the same reasons, but no kids. My husband is British (sounds like you are from the things I've picked up with your typing). I, too, warned my husband of the issues years in advance and very acutely in the year prior to me leaving . He did nothing to address the issues and took the stubborn stance of "you cannot change me" - although I wasn't trying to change him. I strived for him to open up his emotions and feelings to me and to share more with me. You see, when a man doesn't open up to a woman and show a little vulnerability once in awhile, that really alienates us. People forget that showing and love is also an expression of love....a huge way that women show their love is through empathy and expresssion, nuturing. If a man can't be nutured or loving, a woman eventually over time feels empty. I fell weak to receiving the kind of love I needed outside the marriage at the end. I am not proud of the overlap, but I did honestly try with my H before it got to that point.

 

I really feel for you as I still do my H. I love him dearly, just am not in love anymore. I could have, would have stayed if he returned some of the love I needed. It wasn't good enough anymore to just be loved "internally"....love is an outward expression as much as it is an internal one. AGain, I feel for you because I know you love your family.....I just wish you had more time to work on it. I think my H woke up too, but now it's too late...I met someone else and it's too high risk to give this up and go back.....it saddens me each day and I left 2 years ago. Good luck.

[Heartbroken dad]

Thankyou for the replies.

 

holyoak thanks for the kind words of support and yes, I've considered there to be someone else involved which she denies wholeheartedly, but I'm not totally convinced. I did come across as weak and begging at first but am almost past that now and being stronger minded now I've got over the shock a little.

 

2.50, I am most definately treating it as a lesson learned and will never make the same mistakes again whatever happens. My kids are 16, 11, and 6. I've been a bit bah humbug in the past due to worrying about the cost of Christmas, but ironically this year I was really looking forward to it and was going to make lots more effort. Really dreading having all the time off work and no family to spend it with. (Except my fantastic mum who's looking after me). Yep the kids are most definately my priority atm. As above thankyou for the kind words of support.

 

Crazycat, you are correct that I'm British and there are definite similarities in your story. My wife never really stressed how bad things were getting tbh. It just seemed that she was letting off a little steam having a pop at my imperfections. I woke up to it almost instantly when faced with my current situation, did your husband take a while to realise or was it just totally too late by the time you left? Thankyou also for the kind words of support.

 

I think I'm going to need this forum a lot over the coming weeks and months wherever life may take me. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes the Internet so fantastic.

[Holyoak]

Good on ya HBD. This whole mess will be very dynamic, and expect a rollercoaster of emotions, especially if it turns out this is/was infidelity. My STBXWW of 23 years looked at me one day this last May and said: "I don't love you, and I'm interested in someone else"... It truly was like someone telling you your wife was just killed, but it hurt WORSE, much worse... I pray you don't find this out for yourself, but if so, know you can and will get through it.

 

Best of luck, and we all want the best for you.

[SuperGeek]

I went through the same thing. It literally destroys you on the inside and have my doubts about ever getting married again. Girlfriend? sure, bring them on, but not marriage. Too risky at this point.

 

The problem is people change and it's hard to know what they want at that time. In the meanwhile you have family, careers, etc going on as well. Also the hints women give to men to change sometimes are often very subtle so we don't even notice it.

 

I was blindsided by my situation. this leads me to believe I just don't have what women want. Sure i can maintain a relationship and a girlfriend for awhile, but I don't expect them to last now. At some point they will say I'm not meeting their needs and at that point I will just wave them off. It's less messy this way and less emotional and financially destructive.

 

OP, don't feel like yo'ure the only one. It's happened to many of us. Just take each day by day and you will make it through it. Read up on the 180 and WHATEVER YOU DO, do not BEG her to come back.

 

SuperGeek

[Heartbroken dad]

Holyoak, yeah that's my biggest fear now, that there's someone else. This has already been much harder than when my dad passed away and also when I very nearly lost my wife to a very serious illness.

 

Supergeek, thanks for the support. I've already decided there is no way ill ever get married again. I may live with someone etc, but marriage? Not a chance in hell. As for not being the only one, I've realised that over the last couple of weeks reading about other people's situations I'm most definately not alone. Will read about the 180 thanks. Done the whole begging stuff, and not doing any more of that.

[Heartbroken dad]

So here I am a few days later, and last Friday was like someone pushed a switch in my head. I woke up in a good mood and felt positive about the situation. We have had contact nearly every day, some pleasant, some not so pleasant while we are trying to sell the house and look after the children. She is still adamant that there is no going back whatsoever, confirmed when I truthfully told her someone was interested in me but even thinking about it felt like cheating, and I wouldn't want to mess things up if there was even the faintest glimmer of reconciliation by moving on with even a one night stand. Very coldly she said "go for it if you like her, I don't mind" I could see in her eyes that she meant it to. So I reluctantly accepted defeat in my efforts to sort it out, but I'm not ready to be with anyone else yet anyway, I just needed to really know where I stood. The only thing really hurting me was the thought of her with someone else, which is unbearable.

 

Fast forward to today, and I received a phone call telling me that a friend and work colleague had passed away this morning. Now, this may sound selfish but its put me back at square one. I have cried again today which I haven't for 10 days or so, and I just want to go home to my family and have hugs and all be happy like we used to be. I hope this is just a temporary blip, due to the shock news today as I can't stand to rewind all the way back again. :(

[edwardo47]

Hello Sir. I too had all the warning signs. She asked for counseling. Said she was lonely. I am a man.Women and men are wired differently. I was the great provider and I was excellent at it. I did tend to some of her emotional needs but it was not enough. After the romance stage in the beginning, comes the hard stage. Love without lust. Yes in men the sex drive is always there but not so much for women. Add children into the mix and the provider mode kicks into high gear. That is when men revert to being the man they always were. I too am someone who does not talk about feelings. As it stands now, I do not want a relationship any more than casual dating/one night stands. Of course that will be after the divorce is final because I will honor my vows unlike my stbxw. Lots of women today think they do not need a man in their lives to be happy. At least here in Massachusetts. My stbxw is in a group of women divorcees and soon to be divorcees. They get their emotional support from each other. They feed off each other and it spreads like a disease. Do not feel bad about being a man. You are what you are. Embrace it. Feelings of sadness and feeling bad about a broken marriage is warranted. Anger will play out too. But it will get better. Life moves on with time. Good Luck in your new beginning. Let her go!

[Heartbroken dad]

Ok, another update on my situation.

At the weekend, things went badly wrong, I upset my daughters with my suspicions of whether my wife was seeing someone else, my mum and me argued as it all got too much for her to take also, so she threw me out, I told W that temporarily I would stop contact with my children (just 3-4 weeks) as I wasn't helping them feel better.

 

I felt I'd lost absolutely everything and came very close to suicide on Sunday afternoon. An invitation from a friend snapped me out of it, and eventually sorted things with mum and went back to stay there. I was determined to find out what my W was not telling me because I KNEW there was more to this than met the eye. So, I managed to guess her gmail password and had a browse for anything suspicious. By chance I went into the drafts folder and found 3 draft emails with extremely explicit photo attachments. We seperated 4 weeks ago, and 2 of these drafts were from around 6 and 9 weeks ago. The third was from last week. I'm pretty certain she took the photos on her phone, tried to send by mms but pressed gmail instead and then just closed it when she realised her mistake.

 

Because I had her emails, I now knew her username for her mobile account. Again I guessed her password, and checked the bills. Over the last 3-4 months her bills were getting higher and higher with the most recent being almost £200. There were hundreds of calls and texts to another man who was supposedly just a friend. Armed with my evidence at 1am I managed to persuade her to let me in the house and I calmly confronted her. Eventually she admitted sleeping with OM for the last 2 weeks and confirmed it was who I suspected. She would not explain the photos from before we seperated and insisted she had done nothing wrong and had on slept with him after we split. personally i dont think she should have jumped into bed with someone 2weeks after seperating considering she had repeatedly told me she wasnt remotely interested in meeting anyone else, hadnt had her head turned etc. I told her I was moving back in and she should leave which she did, picked ub by OM.

 

I was so happy that I'd got my girls back, and back in my home that I spent the rest of the night cleaning the house and beaming from ear to ear. Took children to school in the morning and in the afternoon W phones me to arrange collection of some stuff. Instead of coming for that she took my children from school early having cleared it with social services to OM house. OM is not liked at all in our area, has been in jail, and threatens anyone who crosses him even slightly (women kids, not fussy) and is a heavy drinker. Devastated again, I lost them. Anyway yesterday we decide that as neither can force the other to leave the home that we are going to have to live in the same house until it is sold. we are going to discuss the practicalities of this in a day or so. I have to do this as OM house is too small for all of them and I'm also terrified for their safety. At least ill get to see the children every day, but it's going to be so difficult to cope with given all the circumstances. I just hope we sell quickly and I can hopefully move on and be the best dad I can.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Heartbroken dad

[K Os]

Hello, fellow British abandonee. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Speaking from my own experience, this is the most horrible thing that life can throw at you. You will have to be very strong, for you and your kids.

 

On the plus side, this may sound harsh to you but at least you know the truth of the situation. It saves you a great deal of suffering in a painful limbo of not knowing. And it is, as others guessed, to do with OM. So for starters you can forget all of that stuff in your first post about not being attentive enough as a husband. That's all complete rubbish. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Paint it on the wall in foot-high letters where you will see it every time you wake up.

 

It's hard. We all feel for you. Keep posting, and stay strong.

[Holyoak]

Jesus, the pain in your words is palpable, and I truly wish you great strength. I know the hopeless feeling of believing ending it all is a relief, but at the cost of others who dearly, and deeply care about you, and their world is a much better place with you in it than without. It will get better, I promise! Your STBXWW followed the "cheaters handbook" chapter and verse; amazing how well it is transcribed in all languages and cultures.

 

I too am doing "in house" separation, pending the divorce. It really sucks, and when my STBXWW cheater told me to "get the F outa the house, my names on the lease", I told her you better have a court order, cause CHEATERS LEAVE, PERIOD!!! You will be the best dad you can, and as best as you are able, DO NOT allow your STBXWW or the arsehole take up space in your head. Write them off, detach, and try to push forward with what you want your new life to be... Can't wait to read in time of a great new life you are enjoying; that's right, ENJOYING while the two cheaters crash and burn... That too is so predictable as well.

 

Good luck mate!

[Heartbroken dad]

Well, here I am almost 3 months on from my last update.

 

Things didnt turn out quite as expected tbh. STBXW is still living with OM and I'm in the family home. House is up for sale, and we are paying the bills between us. STBXW has now moved to a more suitable house but is being totally unreasonable as regards taking her belongings etc. there's loads still here and I just want them gone.

 

I have a good relationship with my youngest 2 children and see them twice per week with 1 sleepover. My eldest though is completely brainwashed by STBXW & OM. Still thinks I'm totally to blame and am being unreasonable etc. not seen him for 4 weeks now.

 

On a personal level I am much much better about the marriage breakdown, to the point where now I am perfectly happy to try to move on with my life. Here lies the problem however. STBXW seems to think its unfair that I'm living "the life of Riley" wtf???? She took everything away from me and left me alone!she seems determined to screw me over every which way apart from access to my youngest 2, who I think she is glad to have out of the way for a while.

When the house is gone, ill need to pay for somewhere else, and after csa have taken a chunk, I will barely have enough to live on! If I can't run my car, I won't be able to work my 50 hour week so may as well be unemployed and milk the system as I will probably be better off. Ridiculous state of affairs for seperated dads.

I've felt pretty rubbish today and this is what prompted me to come back on here. On top of all this grief, I've met someone else that I really like, but she said it was too soon for me a few weeks back. Anyway over the weekend we spent some time together and while it didnt go perfectly, I thought it was the first step in building a relationship. But no she said the weekend confirmed to her that there couldn't be more than a friendship. She def likes me, and is very happy with the respect I show her etc but alas no more than friends. Maybe her feelings will change sometime but for some reason it feels like a massive kick in the teeth. I suppose it's because for a little while I had a hope of being wanted again. Oh well, we will see what happens.

 

So, this is where I'm at for anyone interested. To be honest a few months ago, I really didnt see any positivity around the corner but there has actually been quite a bit, and I'm slowly trying to move on and build my new life. It's like my ex is a bungee cord around my waist at times which makes it harder, but I'm getting there.

[seriously-let-down]

HBD,

 

Wow, your story is exactly like mine. I was told it was me being unromantic, unloving, and everything else that she could throw at me. My break was about the same time. I also have found out that she was dating a guy she worked with. It hurts but I too need to move on. The only difference is I have found a place to live away from the marital home. Whilst she has moved her co-working colleague in. So it wasn't my fault like you, it was hers and Karma will get them. I saw my ex with him yesterday, and boy did it take me back to the night she ended our marriage. That's why I've found myself on here.

 

take care mate, you're not alone.

[Heartbroken dad]

These last few days have been really hard. I'm fast losing hope of any kind of happiness in the future. All the positivity and raised self esteem I'd built up seems to be draining away like someone pulled the plug on the bath. Jeez, all I want from life is to be happy, is that really too much to ask??

 

Seriously-let-down, yeah neither of our faults and we must remember that. And you're right karma will get them eventually with a bit of luck.