AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I'm not really sure where to begin. To make an extremely long and painful story short....I fell hard for a married man that I worked with. This was about 3 years ago. At the time I was dating someone whom I had been with for almost 7 years. The problem with my relationship at the time was that me and my guy were more like roomates. I loved and cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. We had talked about it many times, but nothing was ever fixed. Mainly because I don't think it could be fixed. I lied to him outright once and after that I didn't try to hide anything. I didn't want to hide anything from him. He was a good man and he deserved for me to at least not cover up what was going on. I never came straight out and told him, but he is very smart and I'm sure he knew. It was just never talked about. The right thing would have been to obviously move out and I realize that now. Well I guess that actually right thing to do would have been to not get involved with a married man. It was an extremely odd situation. I love the MM more than I have ever loved anyone no matter how wrong it was. I did alot of things I'm not proud of and, looking back, I would have handled certain things so differently. It was definitely an extreme learning experience. But to cut to the chase....the MM did end up leaving his wife and we have been together for 2 years now. I love him more today than I did in the beginning. We've been through alot. He "cheated" (if you can call it that I guess) on me with his exwife. It confused me. I didn't understand why he didn't just go back to her if he still wanted her in that way. She fought hard to get him back and I wasn't going to stand in the way of it. At the time they were still techinically married and they did have a child together. All I wanted was for MM to be happy. If that meant going back to her then I understood....but he said he didn't want to which confused me more. There were alot of lies in the beginning....but entering into a relationship that was built on lies, I guess that is to be expected. I've realized he is a very selfish person....all people who cheat, including myself, are selfish. They only think about their personal satisifcation and not what their actions are doing to the people they care about. But yet....I still love him. Through all the bull****...that feeling in my heart is still so strong. He is my missing piece I just think we had a really ****ty beginning. He has been working on himself. He has quit drinking and I have full access to all his emails, phone records, his phone, and his facebook. Nothing "bad" has happened in almost a year. I'm just not sure how to rebuild the trust. When everything first started I trusted him completely like an idiot. It's so obvious that if a person is lying to their spouse, they are surely lying to their AP as well. I know I don't really deserve help. Most of the time I feel like this is my karma and this is the path I chose and I deserve what happens to me. I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for from this site. Thoughts and opinions I guess. I know if he were to ever cheat, whether with her or any other girl, I would have to walk away for my own sanity. I just wonder if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this? Thanks for listening.
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 That wasn't the extremely odd part. Sorry I didn't want to go into too much detail because it would be long and alot of it I'm not proud of. It dealt with the wife...me staying with them for awhile....it was a complete mess. I'm not sure what a BS is sorry, but he is no longer married and I'm his girlfriend. We have been official for 2 years. The "cheating" occurred while he was still married.
Pierre Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 That wasn't the extremely odd part. Sorry I didn't want to go into too much detail because it would be long and alot of it I'm not proud of. It dealt with the wife...me staying with them for awhile....it was a complete mess. I'm not sure what a BS is sorry, but he is no longer married and I'm his girlfriend. We have been official for 2 years. The "cheating" occurred while he was still married. It is not uncommon for divorced people to have sex. I could call my ex and have sex with her at any time. She is always willing regardless of whom she is seeing at the time. There is a familiarity that never goes away. I am not sure is cheating in a traditional manner. I pray you set your BF free. Hang in there. You could be one of the 3% that makes it to the very end.
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 What did you mean by set my boyfriend free? The way he explained it to me was that it was easy. I kind of think he has a sexual addiction as well as being an alcoholic. We went to counseling and it opened his eyes about some things. He definitely is trying. Like I said he has stopped drinking which is a huge step for him in my mind. I'm just scared of when/if he falters with the cheating/lying thing. I'm trying to let go and forgive him and myself for the past. Just having a very difficult time doing so.
alexandria35 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 It sounds like he put you and his exwife through tremendous pain and drama. You say he has quit drinking which is a good first step. I don't alcoholism is a good excuse for lying and cheating but it sure doesn't help. Why did he quit drinking and how does he plan to stay off the booze? I ask because I spent years with an alcoholic and he "quit" drinking a couple of times when he would realize I was at my wits end and about to leave. Once he quit for a whole year and then when I least expected it he decided he didn't have a problem and started again. The problem I think is that many alcholics cannot just quit drinking and not have ongoing help with that. Either by counselling or AA or what have you. Nobody can predict the future. Your relationship may work out or it may not. Do you feel safe and secure within it or does it have doubting yourself and expecting the worse?. I spent almost 9 years with a man I didn't trust. He never cheated but he was so emotionally volitile and so irresponsible that I never knew what was coming next and while he didn't cheat I often thought it was a possiblity. I was madly crazily head over heels in love with him but our relationship had a lot of pain and broken trust. Looking back I realize he had completely destroyed my faith and trust within about 2 years and thats when I think I should have ended it and walked away. Now when I reflect on it, I can't help but think I was nuts to try to hold onto a relationship that had so much pain filled drama and that had me feeling so unsafe and insecure. So besides not drinking what other steps has he taken to work on himself. I think sometimes people can grow and change but based on the amount of pain he was willing to dish out to people who loved him I would say he probably has a lot of work to do and a long ways to go. My advice to you would be to work on yourself and live your life in a way that is respectful to you. Don't pin all of your hopes for your future on him because you don't know what he is going to do and you can't control his actions. You can live your life in a way that makes room for him in it but where it doesn't become all about him. People change but he has a really bad track record so you have to be mindful of that and accept that at some point you may have to have a life without him in it. 1
Survivor12 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Regardless of what actions he may be taking in overcoming his addictions and his attempts to better himself, it does not change or erase your participation in the affair. Until you begin looking within yourself and resolve the reasons why you have done what you have, you will never be able to truly forgive yourself or trust in this relationship. Please know that I am basing this advice on the repeated references you have made about not being proud of things you've done and needing to forgive yourself. I agree that he needs to continue to deal with his issues, but they are HIS issues and have nothing to do with you. Likewise, you are responsible for facing and working through your own issues so until you turn your focus away from him and onto yourself, you will never be able to truly find the peace and contentment you seek. 1
veryhappy Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) I believe you can have some realistic hope here that he won't cheat again( especially with his exW). He was still married when that happened, and although I know exactly how an OW feels betrayed - been there - look at it as it really was. He was still married. I believe you need to really make an effort to trust him, because your doubts might make it worse. You need to jump into the unknown and take the chance like with any normal R. What you are going through is very normal. It's one of the thoughts I struggle with right now (3 months from exMM doing 180 to work on his M). I'm questioning if I'd want him if he came back improved and divorced. I know he shattered my trust and I don't know how I'd put that back together. This guy actually followed through with getting a divorce, and he's a rare case. He's making a genuine effort to do better - he quit drinking. You should both be all in, counseling wouldn't hurt, and time will likely help with trust once your R survives longer. Edited December 6, 2012 by cutedragon
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 I'd like to thank everyone who has replied so far! I think I just need a place to talk things out. I know I've been kind of vague about the actual A part. I did live with him and his wife for a short period of time, but the wife was in on it....let's put it that way. It was a very messed up situation. I know for a fact I will not ever cheat again. I didn't like myself while everything was going on. I was numb. The ONLY reason any of it occurred on my end was because of the feelings I had for him. It was, and still is, something I had never experienced. I don't know how to forgive myself for what happened. Even though the wife was willing I feel like I tore a family apart. I absolutely adore his son and I hate that fact that I was the cause of any pain he endured. He is doing good today....I'm just afraid of him growing up and hating me in the end. I'm trying very hard to work on trust. Having complete access to everything helps. But there are still so many doubts in my mind. I think my mind is my worst enemy.
Author AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 No. I just found this site about two weeks ago and this was my first post today. I was on another site a long while ago and tried to get help there, but I was instantly bashed for being a fOW so it wasn't very helpful. This site seems much more open.
alexandria35 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I was going to ask the same thing. I remember that poster saying the wife was really overweight. The OP's backstory is identical to the one I'm thinking. Oh I know which story you're talking about. I don't think this is the same poster at all. All though the stories are somewhat similar the posters sound entirely different. OP you said you and he had attended counselling. What kind of counselling was it and how long did you go for? If it was just a few sessions I doubt that it did much good in reaching the core issues.
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