ashtree-house Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I often hear about 'breadcrumbs' on LS; actions or words that leave a person (usually the dumpee) confused about their ex's behavior. "Why did she say this then, why did he do that?" I have read over and over people's threads that ask *why* their ex did something, only to be answered with "breadcrumbs". But I never really looked at it from the other side.. could it be that I am one of these people leaving breadcrumbs? This has nothing to do with my recent ex.. the one that brought me to LS. We have actually decided to try our relationship again, and things are going nice and slow. This is about my ex-ex.. the guy I was with before. I'll explain a little.. When I moved to Vancouver 3 years ago, I didn't really know anybody, and I met this guy named Matt fairly quickly. We began dating, even though I didn't trust him, I was lonely and stuck with it. After about 5 months he dumped me stating "I don't have time for a girlfriend", and then not even a week later he started dating his ex. I wasn't attached to him, so I wasn't broken up over it.. I was mostly just pissed I didn't break up with him first haha. We stayed NC for a few months, then he offered friendship. I was over it by then, so agreed. A couple of months following, he was dumped by his ex-girlfriend (again), and he immediately suggested hooking up. I told him I was only interested in friendship and had no intention of ever dating OR sleeping with him again. I always assumed he just began chasing me harder because I was playing "hard to get", but eventually he started actually wanting to date me and things became intense. He started texting and calling OFTEN, and offering me car rides, wanting to wine and dine me, buying me gifts etc.. but I still wasn't interested. So I sat down with him, and told him I wasn't interested in dating and to move on. I told him I was crushing on someone else (who eventually became my current boyfriend). This conversation happened almost two years ago. Matt was choked, he told me breaking up was the stupidest decision of his life, and said he thought he could win me back. He went MIA for awhile but eventually continued constantly texting and suggesting dates. He became even more upset when I actually started dating the said crush. He often caused drama while I was in my relationship. When my boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago, Matt started pursuing me again, or at least it felt like it. He was suggesting movies and romantic picnics and even invited me to lay under the stars with him. I had a mini break-down with him and told him I was absolutely HEART-BROKEN over the recent relationship and was not ready to be pursued by anyone. I told him to make his choice; to be friends with me or not. Nothing else. If he wanted more then that, he could not be my friend. And I meant it. He told me he was over me, and was offended that I questioned his motives when he was only trying to help a friend. The last couple of months have been good for me, I took some time for myself and immersed myself with friends and new experiences, took some dance and art classes, and have been attending "personal growth" sessions. Unfortunately, I wasn't ready to deal with Matt. So I canceled plans and flaked on him and ignored calls and avoided conversations. I felt bad, so I finally saw him last week. And it just seems like it's exactly back to where I started with him.. he wants to do "cute" Christmas stuff with me, he wants to buy me presents, he wants to buy me good tickets to the Cirque Du Solie show (sorry if I butchered that title haha). I don't really believe it is friendly gestures.. he doesn't do this for ANY of his other girl friends, and you can bet your bottom dollar that my BEST guy friends don't do this for me. i mean- I would obviously go see a show with a friend, but I would pay for my own ticket. And I had plans to do some Christmas-y themed stuff with a group of my buddies, and invited him along, but he declined, hoping it would just be "the two of us".. these just don't seem like friendly gestures to me.. ..maybe I just haven't had good enough friends haha? I am always polite to him, I always congratulate him when something good happens to him or he excels at work. When he asks me to do things with him, I always say "maybe." I hate being rude to someone and I hate being a flakey person, but my friends are beginning to think I need to be colder with him so he "gets the picture". I don't understand why he hasn't "gotten" it yet, but I realized.. maybe I'm leaving him these damn bread crumbs. Every-time I answer his text or call, act nice, agree to hang out, or say "maybe" to his date ideas.. even though they mean NOTHING to me; maybe they have him thinking "She must like me, or else why did she say that?" So how do I go about this.. He's a good guy and everything but I'm just not INTO him and haven't been for a long time. I have already TOLD him there was no chance between us and that we should just be friends; you know.. the, like, get-coffee-every-once-and-awhile-and-catch-up..friends. Should I act colder, cut him out, or just hope he begins to shower his affections else where? Have you ever thought about this, putting my personal problem aside? Just thinking about the other point of view..Obviously not all ex's are horrible people, and some are trying to be friendly and polite when dealing with a breakup..but we assume they are leaving us bread crumbs to follow aimlessly. Hrm..
big bear Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Have "The Conversation".. Tell him that there is no chance possibly in future also.. And then tell him you are uncomfortable for this contact.. It will save you guilt.. And the guy some heartache..
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 ... He started texting and calling OFTEN, and offering me car rides, wanting to wine and dine me, buying me gifts etc.. but I still wasn't interested. So I sat down with him, and told him I wasn't interested in dating and to move on.I told him I was crushing on someone else (who eventually became my current boyfriend). This conversation happened almost two years ago. ... When my boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago, Matt started pursuing me again, or at least it felt like it. He was suggesting movies and romantic picnics and even invited me to lay under the stars with him. I had a mini break-down with him and told him I was absolutely HEART-BROKEN over the recent relationship and was not ready to be pursued by anyone. I told him to make his choice; to be friends with me or not. Nothing else. If he wanted more then that, he could not be my friend. And I meant it. He told me he was over me, and was offended that I questioned his motives when he was only trying to help a friend. ... Should I act colder, cut him out, or just hope he begins to shower his affections else where?m.. Look, you've told him a couple of times in no uncertain terms that he didn't have a snowball's chance in Hades of you dating him again or getting back together with him. Rather than accept that, he's using a passive-aggressive, back door approach to get you to cave and date him...buying you expensive tickets, etc. then claiming offense when you catch on and question his behavior, and asserting he's just being a good friend. Right! That's all him and his dysfunction at this point. The adult thing would have been for him to say, I'm disappointed you don't feel the same way, then walk away when you had your two conversations. Instead, having failed by asking you directly, he then opted for the "friends" approach and is now trying to wear you down through persistence, buying your affection, guilting you, and via his "drama," by sabotaging your last relationship. You're not stringing him along or feeding him breadcrumbs. Not at all. He knows exactly where he stands with you, but is intent on getting what he wants anyway, He's not really a friend in any fashion. Since he causes trouble when you date other guys, I would cut him lose before getting in another relationship. No more conversations. You've done that and clearly he didn't respect those. Just ignore him and continue to make it clear that he will NEVER be a priority. Flakiness does that like nothing else can!
CptSaveAho Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Whatever, you are stringing the guy along and you know it... If I had no interest in being with someone, I wouldn't talk to/associate with them and they would get the hint. Your "maybe"s aren't "no"s
Author ashtree-house Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) I absolutely agree with your point of "maybes" are not "no's"; and can see the gray area involved in that. However, I have no interest in being with him ROMANTICALLY. He is still a funny guy and we have a lot in common, so I enjoy him as a human being. I would like us to be friends, unfortunately, it doesn't look like it is so black and white. We cannot be friends, because being friends means more to him then it does to me. I suppose BOTH ex's need to be moved on from a relationship in order to be friends, which obviously isn't the case here. I think I will have to start ignoring him, I am reconciling with my ex, and don't need the extra drama. And he deserves to be with someone that will love his romantic gestures. Edited December 7, 2012 by ashtree-house
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