Should I be worried or offended that my fiance brought her vibrator to a bar w/o me?

[behindbleuiiiis]

I know this sounds like an odd question, so I guess it is. But here was the situation...

We've been living together for about a year and a half, together for longer. We both have one child from a previous relationship with is.

 

We used to have a lot of sex, but not so much recently. We still do, don't get me wrong, just not as often as we used to. And I have noticed that her sex drive has been lower than in the past by a decent margin. She won't ever turn me down, but almost never initiates anymore (which used to be a 50/50 thing).

 

Rarely do we go out seperate (actually we rarely ever go out because of the kids) but this one night I

wasn't feeling so good so I stayed home while she went out for a few hours at a local bar with her one of her best friends, who happens to be a lesbian (my fiance is not). I am positive she was there, so that is not my worry or point.

 

When she came home, I was looking for a lighter in her bag to smoke a ciggerette (which is perfectly ok for either one of us to do) and saw her battery powered vibrator in the bag.

 

This is where the problem began.

 

I asked her why she would bring a vibrator to the bar. Her response, and understand we're pretty close with things, is that she brought it in case she got horny at the bar since she knew she would be drinking. Now, what does that even mean???

 

My mind started to think of the different scenarios. One does not just randomly go to her drawer and grab a vibrator on the way out without thinking about it. It seems odd to plan to be horny, even if she knows herself to sometimes get that way while drunk. While sober, she obviously had to think about it to grab it.

 

So what could it be, I'm thinking... Is she cheating on me? Is she thinking she may be turned on by other men at the bar and instead of cheating, brought her vibrator to get off? Is she not satisfied at home at all? Or a combination of some of these thoughts and others?

 

So I questioned her about it after having a bad day, and basically said what I just wrote. She explained to me that she brought it just in case she was horny at the bar. Hum? She was 20 minutes away from me. She apoligized and said she was wrong, which wasn't really what I was looking for. I was just looking to understand so that it doesn't bother me for a long time.

 

When I asked for a more detailed explanation, she got extremely angry and defensive, and stormed out of the house, saying she was trying to help me out today since I had a rough day and now I've ruined her night.

 

Now let me state one more thing... I don't care that she uses a vibrator. I've used it on her and she's told me that occasionally she uses it at home or while I'm out, etc. I'm not worried or concerned ever normally that any of that is affecting our sexlife. I still believe that in most cases.

 

I just don't understand her rationale, so maybe a women could explain in a more detailed answer or reasoning that would allow me to drop it from my mind and understand. As of right now, I'm confused and worried, feeling like this could be a precursor to cheating or deviant behavior towards me.

 

Thanks a ton for reading, and thank you for any real advice

[Tara247]

This is disgusting. She was obviously up to no good by bringing that vibrator with her to the bar. Her story doesn't make sense to you because it is a lie. She must have been planning on having sex with a man or doing some kind of threesome with her lesbian friend and a man. Don't trust her.

[CptObvious]

You need to start bodybuilding

[movingon12]

It's definitely weird behavior, though if she's reacting so badly to getting found out, I would think it's more likely to be some strange kink she's embarrassed about, rather than her cheating on you.

[KungFuJoe]

I think it's a red flag.

 

Was she planning on going into the bathroom into the bar and using it?

 

If you guys were having hot crazy sex all the time and she was just the horniest girl around, then MAYBE I can see her getting so worked up that she just couldn't wait long enough to get home to have sex with you.

 

But the fact that you guys aren't having sex like you used to and she brings a vibrator to the bar...then gets all defensive about it?

 

I dunno man. Sounds awfully fishy.

[behindbleuiiiis]

I have never had any reason to mistrust her, in fact, I was supposed to go to the bar with her up until about an hour before she went, but I didn't feel good and cancelled.

 

She is a horny women at times, but it just doesn't make sense to me. At the same time, why would she bring a vibrator if she was planning on cheating? That makes no sense either.

 

Also, we are very tight and have just a few close friends and our family. We rarely go out with each other, so IDK. My gut tells me it was just a stupid move on her part, but my brain is telling me the premeditation is telling me something.

[behindbleuiiiis]

I think it's a red flag.

 

Was she planning on going into the bathroom into the bar and using it?

 

If you guys were having hot crazy sex all the time and she was just the horniest girl around, then MAYBE I can see her getting so worked up that she just couldn't wait long enough to get home to have sex with you.

 

But the fact that you guys aren't having sex like you used to and she brings a vibrator to the bar...then gets all defensive about it?

 

I dunno man. Sounds awfully fishy.

 

That's part of my thinking though. First, she definitely did get embarressed, as she brought up me jerking off occasionally as her first defense.

 

Also, I could understand if she thought it was "easier" to just use a vibrator since there has been some stress lately and sex is not the easiest thing to connect with each other when you've had a bad day in our relationship.

 

Finally, it's very possible, since she knew she would be coming home late, that she could have planned on using it in the car at the bar, or the car in our driveway.

 

I know, at least from my end, that sometimes, even with her twenty feet away, that I would prefer to masturbate than have sex. If that is how she feels too, than I can't blame her. The problem is, it's just too weird. idk.

[movingon12]

Incidently, did she definitely deliberately take it to the bar? It hadn't been left in her bag because she'd taken it to work earlier in the day or something? (Not that that's much less weird...)

[KungFuJoe]

Incidently, did she definitely deliberately take it to the bar? It hadn't been left in her bag because she'd taken it to work earlier in the day or something? (Not that that's much less weird...)

 

Good question and I was just about to ask.

 

If she had put it in her purse earlier and just forgot to take it out then I think you can rest easy.

[behindbleuiiiis]

Also, let me say that she gets defensive quite often, many times when she's in the right.

 

It's part of her personality. I don't think that that alone is an admission of guilt, even though it would be easy for someone to read what I wrote and point that out.

 

Also, with lesbian thing, I don't want to get into too many details, but at the beginning and middle of our relationship, she had plenty of oppurtunities to try something with another woman, and never ever seemed interested. I told her from the get go that would be no problem (since I want honesty) and she would have said something or I would have noticed something by now in regards to her interest in women. I highly highly doubt that is the case.

[behindbleuiiiis]

Good question and I was just about to ask.

 

If she had put it in her purse earlier and just forgot to take it out then I think you can rest easy.

 

No, when I asked, she said she brought it to the bar in case she got horny, she could get off.

 

That would have honestly been the easy answer to get me off her back, but she either wants to be honest or didn't have the time to think to say that.

[movingon12]

It's like an X-rated Agatha Christie detective story...

[Million.to.1]

WEIRD.

 

I don't think anyone here can tell you the reason. It is weird though and you need to ask her about it. (again)

 

My recommendation would be manipulate the asking her about it situation a bit by playing the insecure "aren't you satisfied with our sex life" "Don't i please you enough" cards to prevent her from having a spat like last time.

Play the victim a bit and be vulnerable. If you do this, she can't really get mad at you for "ruining her night" She used that anger as a deflection to avoid having a real conversation about it.

Choose your moment. When you are both relaxed and calm. Tread delicately. Look into her eyes and seek honesty from her. Tell her you don't believe her story and you are suspicious. If she lies to your face when you are in a vulnerable state like this, you will know.

[KungFuJoe]

No, when I asked, she said she brought it to the bar in case she got horny, she could get off.

 

That would have honestly been the easy answer to get me off her back, but she either wants to be honest or didn't have the time to think to say that.

 

Hmm...well...let's assume that she was honest about taking it to the bar to use it.

 

Red flags are when your partner acts OUT of character. You've been with her for a couple years and assuming you've been paying attention, you would be able to notice if she was acting "strange".

 

Does it seem like her to be SO horny when drinking that she absolutely has to get off right there and then? She can't possibly wait to come home and either bug you for sex or pleasure herself in the bathroom? What does your gut tell you?

[Million.to.1]

I'll also add that i have a vibrator that looks like a big lipstick and can be charged by USB. It's in my handbag sometimes when i know i might be staying out (at a friends because of drinking)

 

If it's a small and inconspicuous vibrator, then maybe it's not quite the same as a big vibrating dildo.

 

Is she in her 30's?

Edited December 6, 2012 by Million.to.1

[dasein]

She's having an affair. They use toys, not at all uncommon. She took the opportunity to meet OM/OW when you didn't feel good, and never even went to the bar. Would bet money on this. My reasoning is her absurd answer for having the vibrator in her purse. Frankly, that's the most ridiculous, obvious lie I've ever seen posted on these boards. Good luck getting to the bottom of this and moving on once you have the truth, and sorry for what you are about to go through.

[KungFuJoe]

She's having an affair. They use toys, not at all uncommon. She took the opportunity to meet OM/OW when you didn't feel good, and never even went to the bar. Would bet money on this. My reasoning is her absurd answer for having the vibrator in her purse. Frankly, that's the most ridiculous, obvious lie I've ever seen posted on these boards. Good luck getting to the bottom of this and moving on once you have the truth, and sorry for what you are about to go through.

 

If you bet money you'd lose.

 

Women who are having an affair toss their vibrators in the trash.

[behindbleuiiiis]

It's a small portable vibrator that I actually bought for her awhile back, but definitely larger than a pen.

 

She's in her late 20's.

 

I asked her if she's ever brought a vibrator out to a bar and she said no.

[behindbleuiiiis]

She's having an affair. They use toys, not at all uncommon. She took the opportunity to meet OM/OW when you didn't feel good, and never even went to the bar. Would bet money on this. My reasoning is her absurd answer for having the vibrator in her purse. Frankly, that's the most ridiculous, obvious lie I've ever seen posted on these boards. Good luck getting to the bottom of this and moving on once you have the truth, and sorry for what you are about to go through.

 

I appreciate your take, but it's not all black and white. I cancelled last minute, and I know for a fact she still went/was at the bar since one of my friends whom she has no real contact with was there and texted me how it was funny he saw her there.

[KungFuJoe]

Are you SURE she's not bicurious at least? Only other thing I can think of is that her and her lesbian friend might have thought about trying to have a little fun on the side.

[movingon12]

Are you SURE she's not bicurious at least? Only other thing I can think of is that her and her lesbian friend might have thought about trying to have a little fun on the side.

 

I can understand if they were madly drunk and one thing led to another - but she must have been sober when she put it in her bag. Which would mean it was planned, and you would surely need to be VERY curious to risk losing a friend if it turned awkward. Plus, you wouldn't go straight to that level of intimacy either - so this would have had to have been a 2nd/3rd/4th 'date' with the friend. But if the OP only cancelled at the last minute, it seems a bit of a risk to suddenly turn a night out with her boyfriend into a chance to cheat on him.

[dasein]

I appreciate your take, but it's not all black and white. I cancelled last minute, and I know for a fact she still went/was at the bar since one of my friends whom she has no real contact with was there and texted me how it was funny he saw her there.

 

OK, she went to the bar, how long did she stay? Did she go elsewhere before or after? That vibrator explanation is the smokiest smoke I've ever seen here. Have never known a woman to carry a vibrator in her purse for normal solo use. Doesn't mean they don't exist, but that, together with the explanation, the defensiveness (whether or not she's reacted that way before), and the reduced sex in your relationship is telling.

 

One other thing, do you trust the guy who texted you? His text is highly coincidental in the context of everything else to the point of fishiness.

[aed]

@ behindbleuiiiis

 

So let's set a few things clear:

 

1) your wife has bin seen at bar, right ?

 

2) With who that she came and with who did she left?

 

3) How long has she bin had the bar?

 

4) How long was she from home?

 

5) Also how do you know who long that vibrator has bin in her bag? It could bin there for 3 days, and she got sloppy and forgot to take it out.

 

How do you know your wife is not having an affaire, I can not say for 100% say she is having an affair. I find it strange that when you two had an extreme hot sex life: she never discussed her fantasies about public mastrubation or any thing of that kind.

 

She can be just ashamed but then she wil come clean about if you have a good relationship, and I think she would already told you that, if that was the case.

 

Also you canceling going out at the last moment, doesn't mean she can't met up with OM. SHe could text him, meat in the bathroom of the bar our outside, have sex and go back inside. When she is with mutal friend they wont be less suspected, when she is away for awhile. She can be more at ease when you are not around. Also you read allot when women have an affair her female friends know about it. (So they can cover for her).

 

Look iI am not saying she is having an affair. Mabey she is ashamed of it and doesn't want to talk about it. But I won't be shocked you will found she is cheating on you.

Edited December 6, 2012 by aed

[mitchell]

Maybe she brought it to the bar in case she got horny, she could get off.

 

Is it impossible for you to imagine her sneaking off to the ladies room to get off while she was out drinking with her friends?

[FitChick]

Women who are having an affair toss their vibrators in the trash.

That could get very expensive.