Thinking about quit dating and go visit a escort for sexual connection

[BetheButterfly]

Who knows I may just always have sex with hookers. I always been told relationship is too much time consuming, pressure burden and problems constantly unraveling. I seen my parents go through a divorce when I 11 and it was a fight over me. My friend who experience relationship with his past girlfriend tell me its best to stay away from relationships because you will go through hell. He said visit an escort for sexual connection.

 

Ok, now I am understanding more where you are coming from. Some people who have seen/experienced unhealthy relationships do tend to struggle with forming healthy relationships.

 

Healthy relationships do take work. They (as well as true love) are like a tree that needs nurturing and protection.

 

Mean and hurtful words (verbal abuse), screaming at each other, physical abuse, nonplayful fighting, disrespect, unfaithfulness, lying, selfishness, greed, lust for someone else, and other issues are poison that damages or kills the love and the relationship.

 

It takes strength of character of the individuals in the couple to care for and protect their love and relationship. When it is not modeled in front of them, some people have a hard time understanding how to do that.

 

Many people can change though, if they want to. If they have a positive attitude and work on creating and maintaining love, relationships are awesome and are achievable by even people who have not seen one before!!! That's the good news!!!

 

People are not just a victim/product of an unhealthy environment. They can most definitely achieve what is impossible (due to a negative mindset) to others.

 

The following is very interesting and could help:

in communication with any relationship, whether with friends or family or with a person you are interested in...

 

The following could be helpful too...

Edited December 10, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[Locust]

Dating is just hard. Period. I meet girls, be friends with girls (I'm friends with quite of few) and that is far as I get. I just feel that I will never be successful so I thinking of just going to a escort, find one on redbook and just receive my intimacy that way. It's sad I know but that is because women only want to be friends with me, so I have to find another way of being intimate with someone. I will never have a normal relationship.

[Mumbles]

Dating is just hard. Period. I meet girls, be friends with girls (I'm friends with quite of few) and that is far as I get.

 

Hi Locust, we're chatting on another thread about some somewhat similar subjects

 

Its a great thing you are friends with quite a few girls. Many shy guys can't say this, so you are well ahead in the game already.

 

Whats these girls ages (roughly) and situations? If they are age appropriate, haha, whatever that means (big smile), but honestly, if they are roughly your age plus or minus say 5 years(ish) a lot of them, maybe all of them, are likely to be romantically active and given the status quo these days only a relative few are likely to be married or engaged - people flow in and out of relationship in this age group all the time. Maybe you've already noticed some of these girls leaving one relationship and starting a new one?

 

Anyway, my point is, you have female friends, those friends will also have other female friends, honestly, as the bull, you are in the right cow paddock, you just need to gain some skills (huge big grin)

 

Eye contact, is so important, its one of the few early signals that most men won't fail to catch. You need to be looking the girls in the eye partly to see if they are looking _you_ in the eye hehehe.

 

Practise practise. Just start making a habit of it. Chat with the checkout chick next time you go to the store, no, don't "chat her up", but ask about her day, look her in the eye. go to different stores and try the same thing. Get used to talking to people in a non threatening public situation.

 

Of course, the subtlety of this conversational eye contact and actually staring at a women is important. One will get you a smile and continued conversation, the other will freak her out, but practise makes perfect, you'll get there.

 

 

I just feel that I will never be successful so I thinking of just going to a escort, find one on redbook and just receive my intimacy that way. It's sad I know but that is because women only want to be friends with me, so I have to find another way of being intimate with someone. I will never have a normal relationship.

 

I don't honestly know if I'd call the escort experience sad. I'm not coming from a position of knowledge on this but as a concept I don't think it has to be 'sad'.

 

If thats the road you decide to take, I think that a lot of the nature of the experience, and what you will take away from it, will be determined by your view and mood on the way into it.

 

Others with direct experience who read this thread will have something more useful and relevant things to say on this I'm sure.

 

I guess my parting thought would be that any interaction with anyone, and most certainly an intimate interaction, is going to be a better experience if you both interact as equals, confident, happy, positive.

 

Again, if this is the route you decide to take, sure be honest with the escort, but I wouldn't approach this concept or a girl, with the idea that she's about to throw me a sympathy lay .. even if you're paying.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Mumbles
clarity

[FitChick]

Maybe this woman can help you.

[Under The Radar]

Maybe this woman can help you.

 

 

HOLY ****!!!

 

Your google search provided the catalyst for "losing" my dinner .

 

The Urban Dictionary defines Gavomiting as: A hybrid of the word gagging and vomiting (at the same time).

 

I think I just experienced this phenomenon for the first time in my life.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Training Revelations

[Locust]

Okay if you anyone of you had the power to change my mind, what would you do? What would you like for me to do?

[Under The Radar]

Okay if you anyone of you had the power to change my mind, what would you do? What would you like for me to do?

 

Go back and re-read post #6. Seriously, that is IMO the key to your long term happiness. You WILL meet a great girl someday, but hiring an escort isn't going to eliminate your loneliness. Desperation and impatience are not your allies in finding a terrific woman to fulfill your need for companionship.

[Locust]

Go back and re-read post #6. Seriously, that is IMO the key to your long term happiness. You WILL meet a great girl someday, but hiring an escort isn't going to eliminate your loneliness. Desperation and impatience are not your allies in finding a terrific woman to fulfill your need for companionship.

 

But what about my race. How many girls really like a mixed Indian guy? Not many if none actually do. I live in a state full of White girls and no white girl is going to want me. My chances are very low of actually finding anyone. I just wished there were lot of Indian girls where I live at.

[Under The Radar]

But what about my race. How many girls really like a mixed Indian guy? Not many if none actually do. I live in a state full of White girls and no white girl is going to want me. My chances are very low of actually finding anyone. I just wished there were lot of Indian girls where I live at.

 

 

Trust me there are white women who would be willing to date you. Generally, when a girl is mixed it usually means "instant hottie". Many biracial people have a very exotic and distinct look that is anything but bad.

 

I am sure your inexperience and low self esteem is creating a cognitive distortion in your percieved attraction level. Your biggest problem by far is a lack of confidence.

 

If you truly believe that no attractive women will ever give you a chance then that will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Els]

You, my friend, have been 'thinking about this' for a long time, haven't you?

 

Just go do it already. Just be sure you play it safe, use protection, make sure the act is fully consensual and preferably in a place where it's legal. Haven't I said this multiple times?

[Mumbles]

Go back and re-read post #6. Seriously, that is IMO the key to your long term happiness. You WILL meet a great girl someday, but hiring an escort isn't going to eliminate your loneliness. Desperation and impatience are not your allies in finding a terrific woman to fulfill your need for companionship.

 

I agree with the theme of most of what you have said in this thread - but it crossed my mind as I read this that the OP may be talking about related but subtly different thing.

 

I'm sure, like most guys, the OP wants a relationship that fulfils him with a woman. But I don't think think this the nub of what he is asking in this thread.

 

We have to ask, what was the desired end result of the dating that the OP wants to quit (the subject being: Thinking about quit dating and go visit a escort for sexual connection). We shouldn't be embarrassed to admit that for some folks, at some times in their lives, dating is really just about obtaining access to sex.

 

When I was a very young adult I led a really busy life doing young man things. I was really interested in girls, but didn't want or even seriously contemplate a proper relationship leading to anything substantial. The interest I had was the typical very young man hormone driven level of interest.

 

Despite this hormone driven high level of female interest, paradoxically, or perhaps because of it, I remained a virgin for a long time after most of my contemporaries. Theres a whole story right here, but this thread isn't the place to bore everyone to death with that.

 

I do still remember though, as time passed, I felt sort of stuck. I'd got to a point where I couldn't seem to move forward. I had friends who were girls and mixed with girls, my mates had girlfriends who also had girlfriends so opportunity was everywhere, but I couldn't move ahead.

 

At some point I think I can honestly say, things felt desperate to me. It doesn't help to know that of course this simply wasn't the true state of affairs, but it seemed that way.

 

It appeared to me that my companions and peers were all getting as much sex as they could handle..and some .... I was in the middle of a food orgy yet I was starving to death.

 

I got lucky. As thoughts of prostitutes started to enter my mind, and really started to solidify as my only way through the hell of despair I had created in my mind, a brave a forthright girl appeared and all I had to do was basically whatever she said and there is was, problem solved. Within the week she'd left me of course, as she really didn't want an inexperienced man and I rather foolishly hadn't prepared her properly for that, but that is also another story.

 

The relevance here, I hope, is that this short liaison got me past my sticking point problem and I progressed, more or less normally (as much as anyone is normal) from there. It was a significant milestone which dispelled almost all the misconceptions I had managed to create around the physical aspects of women and the nature of sex itself.

 

I had a strong aversion to using a professional to helping me through this. That aversion created by an illusion injected into me by my upbringing. The 'unpaid' girl I got, that helped me through this was a damaged soul herself, and despite my eternal gratitude, she did significant damage of a different type which is not relevant to the discussion at this time - but lets say that she didn't lay me down on a fluffy bed of morning dew with a gentle knowing in her eye and a soft caress, holding the hand of a sensitive young boy through to manhood .... no, and my point in raising it is that though I have not had any experience with escorts I can hardly imagine a professional doing a worse job of bringing a man over this threshold in his life.

[MrCastle]

You know what wouldn't be a bad idea for some dude with links to an escort agency (or even a guy who just knows a lot of slutty girls who want more $ and have a benevolent streak) to set himself up as a date coach like in the movie Hitch, but charge guys $500 for a couple of intensive 'how to pickup chicks guaranteed' lessons. Then take the guy out to a club for a field trip where he has one of his escort/promiscuous friends already there as a plant.

 

After the 'cant get any action' guy struggles with a couple of random club girls, the coach directs the student over to his escort friend who is just hanging out at the club waiting to meet friends, but this time the student's attempts to get a conversation going actually start to work. The girl is responding really well to the student, laughs at everything he says, gets all touchy feeley, says how she cant stand the typical cocky playas and likes shy guys, likes the same things he likes so she feels this connection, tells him its her horny time of the month and its been ages since she had sex, and well...what do say we go out to the carpark..wink wink.

 

Shimsalhaboom, the guy's self confidence + his self esteem sky rocket, thanks to the placebo effect. He thinks he's a new man, the future now looks so much brighter. The girl who is a plant can actually give him some in action guidance as well so the student wont be such a newbie with the next woman.

 

I know this doesn't help you OP. For you....

don't limit your prospects by ignoring your fellow dark skinned girls

if you are approaching a spot with girls, ditch your ipod.

you need to read up on the www for good small talk topics.

try get involved in some campus activity groups or teams...like the orienteering group

girls wont know if you are no good with women, regardless of if you visit an escort or not, unless you think it will stop making you so anxious maybe.

 

This is so dark, devious, and beyond genius I'm upset I didn't think of it myself.

[FitChick]

But what about my race. How many girls really like a mixed Indian guy? Not many if none actually do. I live in a state full of White girls and no white girl is going to want me. My chances are very low of actually finding anyone. I just wished there were lot of Indian girls where I live at.

Move to Louisiana. They have an Indian governor.

 

Move to India. Light skinned Indians have higher status.

 

In the meantime, become very successful and make money. Even if you don't find a woman, it's better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable.

[normal person]

But what about my race. How many girls really like a mixed Indian guy? Not many if none actually do. I live in a state full of White girls and no white girl is going to want me. My chances are very low of actually finding anyone. I just wished there were lot of Indian girls where I live at.

 

You act like peoples' only criteria for dating others is their race. Why?

Yes, there are people out there who will dismiss you based on race alone but that's only a percentage of the population. Any woman worth your time will appreciate you for who you are and not what you are. The issue is whether or not "who" you are is worth dating.

 

Here's a big question: What do you actually bring to the table? What reasons have you given girls to be attracted and interested in you? Can you honestly say you make people laugh, provide interesting conversation, make people comfortable, create personal connections, are exciting or spontaneous, anything at all? Or do you simply just ask someone out and then wonder why they say "no?" Why would a girl say "yes?"

 

Just because you think a girl's attractive and that you'd like to take her out doesn't mean she will go out with you on the same premise. Give her a reason.

 

Take a long hard look at yourself from someone else's perspective. When you're the kind of person that someone else would love to be around for any reason, you won't need an escort.

[Mumbles]

it's better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable.

 

haha, the famous Burt Reynolds quote Love it.

[Locust]

You act like peoples' only criteria for dating others is their race. Why?

Yes, there are people out there who will dismiss you based on race alone but that's only a percentage of the population. Any woman worth your time will appreciate you for who you are and not what you are. The issue is whether or not "who" you are is worth dating.

 

Here's a big question: What do you actually bring to the table? What reasons have you given girls to be attracted and interested in you? Can you honestly say you make people laugh, provide interesting conversation, make people comfortable, create personal connections, are exciting or spontaneous, anything at all? Or do you simply just ask someone out and then wonder why they say "no?" Why would a girl say "yes?"

 

Just because you think a girl's attractive and that you'd like to take her out doesn't mean she will go out with you on the same premise. Give her a reason.

 

Take a long hard look at yourself from someone else's perspective. When you're the kind of person that someone else would love to be around for any reason, you won't need an escort.

 

I have no reason to why girls would be interested in me which is the reason why I thinking of completely of giving up.

[coffeebean201]

I was thinking about your problem today while I was out for a walk and my first response is that you have to be proud of yourself.

 

That is not to say you become one of those awful ego-maniacs.

 

But take care in how you think of yourself and take care with shaving every day (not scruffy) and wear clean clothes that aren't wrinkled. Have a little bit of style to your outfit - even if it is conservative, and budget-conscious.

 

Make eye contact when you are having a conversation and exude a warmth towards people, as best you can with a busy schedule.

 

And you won't feel like it is so hopeless. Many people don't have great social skills - so if you figure out the knack of this...you will go far. Your goal is to get the women comfortable talking about themselves and what is going on with them, so you don't bore them with a bunch of stuff about yourself. Women like to talk..

 

Men really are beautiful, particularly when they have done some tough thinking like you are doing - really looking at the options and themselves.

[Locust]

I think I'm going to just hire a escort and get my groove on that way. I don't think I can wait anymore longer, its really bothering me a lot. I feel like I will never have a healthy sex life without hiring a escort.

[Lonely Traveler]

Hey, Locust.

 

Your posts in this thread compelled me to register so I could share my own experience with this, since it's somewhat similar. We're not completely alike, of course - my parents are still together and have, on the balance, I think a pretty good marriage. Not postcard perfect, but they do okay. In terms of ethnicity I'm white/caucasian.

 

Like you, I've had almost no relationship experience (I did have a girlfriend for 5 months in 7th/8th grade, but that's been it). In high school, I was very good friends with a few girls, all of whom I wanted to be more than friends with, and made my feelings known in a very dramatic fashion which resulted in rejection both times. I remained friends with the girls, but it still destroyed my confidence and made me feel like there was just something about me that would never appeal to women.

 

In college, there were a couple possibilities, but nothing I acted on. One because the girl had a boyfriend who I was also friends with and the other because I was a little weirded out and maybe intimidated by her (I also didn't feel attracted to her at the time although in retrospect now I think I would be). I didn't drink or do drugs in college, and I spent my weekends hanging out with my similarly-clean male roommates playing videogames, watching movies, and so on.

 

After I finished school, several years passed where I didn't meet anyone and oddly enough, I didn't try to meet anyone. I didn't feel lonely or depressed about it, I was just living my life, figuring out the working world, and focusing on creative projects. But at the same time, I wasn't putting myself out there at all, either. So when people say just live your life and the right person will come along - well, so long as you at least encounter other human beings. I lived a pretty solitary existence outside my family and friends during that time.

 

All of which is a long way of saying I found myself at 27 years old, still without any serious relationship experience, and still a virgin. Something inside me seemed to snap and I suddenly became very fixated on this fact of having never had sex. Don't get me wrong, when I was a teenager, I was off-the-charts horny - but so low was my self-esteem, I suppose, that I just thought it wouldn't happen until I was in college at the earliest. And by the time I got to college... I guess I kind of lost interest? Or maybe I so hated the party scene that I thought those were the only kinds of girls I could meet there, so I just wrote it off.

 

Anyway, when I realized I was getting older and to the point where even if I did meet someone, my virginity could be a real liability - that is when I first seriously started considering paying for it, as you said, just to demystify it, to be able to say to myself, I know a little about what this is and what to expect, and I can at least say to myself that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I won't die a virgin.

 

So I began looking into the different escort sites in the U.S., the review sites, and the process by which one gets verified in order to become a trusted client at such places. Almost immediately, I realized I couldn't go through with it. It made me far too nervous to contemplate such things as giving out my name and work information to an escort service that would then verify my identity and employment status, etc. I guess I felt like it was a reality check and I'd snapped out of a bad idea I was having.

 

Cut to me turning 28, another year gone by, still nothing to show for it. I had fallen in love with a coworker of mine, but she was (and still is) in a committed long term relationship I had no intentions of disrupting. Still, we hit it off really well, I made her laugh all the time, we had a huge amount in common, shared many interests, and could effortlessly talk for hours every day, which we often did, because she sat there next to me for 40 hours a week! It was so nice to finally meet someone I had feelings for again, but it was horrible at the same time because she was unavailable. And not only that - on days when I was really feeling down because of the whole situation, I still had to sit next to her and pretend everything was fine, even though my heart was breaking.

 

I also felt a heavy dose of guilt and maybe even self-loathing as the creepy guy who fell in love with his unavailable coworker - who mistook her work-mandated proximity for something more. What a hopeless case I was!

 

Later on, I got temporarily laid off from that job on basically a three month furlough. The details aren't important, but basically I had three months to fill before my boss could hire me back on in a different position that first needed to be created. Because I was so heavily attached to this coworker, I was really distraught by the prospect of not seeing her except at occasional social gatherings outside work. But I also recognized I was wasting my time pining for her, and figured maybe three months of relative isolation might do me well.

 

But I wanted to do something besides just sit at home all day feeling sorry for myself. So I decided I would take a trip, alone. I'd never been to Europe and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out into the world, see some new places, meet new people, remind myself that there's an entire world out there that's bigger than one person you're fixated on, and do some soul-searching.

 

I set off on my trip - it completely turned around what would have been a very sad departure from work into something wonderful and exciting, which had been my intention of course. People didn't tell me they were sorry to see me go - they just talked about how jealous they were of the adventure I was about to have!

 

In the back of my mind, though, I had one other goal for this trip: I was going to stop being a virgin once and for all. I was going to go somewhere it was legal, regulated and safe, where there wouldn't be any danger of arrest and where, hopefully, the women doing the work were not forced into it by pimps, mobsters, or to feed their own addictions.

 

I had discovered an escort service in Amsterdam that advertised a special service for virgins - it was expensive, but it also seemed like the perfect thing I was looking for (outside of actually, you know, meeting somebody). I booked an appointment, bought a train ticket to Amsterdam from Paris, and tried to wrap my head around the idea that in just about a week's time, I'd no longer be a virgin.

 

The night in question is something I still think about a lot, over a year later. But my overall sense of it is that it was a positive thing. First of all, you do not just meet the girl and have sex immediately. She welcomed me into the cozy, somewhat upscale apartment and we sat down on the couch just talking a little. She was not like your average prostitute who thinks in terms of how many men she can see in a day in order to earn a living, and therefore rushes through things.

 

After a few minutes, we hailed a taxi and went to have dinner at a fancy restaurant (it was up to me to pick the place and make reservations beforehand). As luck would have it, we did share some common interests, and between those and telling my own travel stories (so far) plus telling her about my life up to that point (such that I was now a 28 year old virgin seeking her services), conversation was not a problem throughout dinner, which lasted probably three hours because of the different courses. A handful of times I caught myself during dinner looking into her eyes as we talked and thinking to myself, man, I can't believe we're going to have sex later. But because that question had been definitively answered already, I was I think pretty laid back.

 

The restaurant called a cab for us and off we went back to the apartment. The driver seemed to size up the situation right away and made conversation with her in Dutch which I couldn't understand except by the inflection of their voices. It was the kind of "Another night on the job, eh?" exchange you might expect - but I didn't feel like I was being mocked or anything like that.

 

Once we were back in the apartment, I could feel my pulse starting to race. My anticipation was at an all-time high, although I remained calm on the outside and didn't try to rush things. In the end, we sat on the couch for probably another 10 or 15 minutes while she gently started to steer the conversation in a sexual direction - assessing what my experience level was, what I was into, and even some words about how it was okay, what we were doing, and what I was doing, and in general she just tried to put me into a relaxed state where I felt at ease.

 

And then she kissed me.

 

Now, at a certain level, it's all physiological after some point. The body reacts. I certainly did. But at a deeper level, I can tell you I was surprisingly distanced from everything that was happening. I couldn't believe it was happening, and I just kept saying in my head things like "I can't believe it. I'm thousands of miles away from home by myself kissing some girl..." or "Wow, we're both naked, I can't believe I'm actually touching a girl's breast" and you can fill in the rest. She was as patient and understanding as anyone in her place could be - almost more like a therapist.

 

Still, for all of that - it wasn't good sex! Nor could it be, seeing as it was my very first time and it was with someone who, as nice as she was (and drop dead gorgeous) I didn't have any real feelings for and barely knew. I was awkward and passive, letting her take charge during everything. I don't want to be graphic, but the main event lasted probably an hour and I still never got off. Eventually she said to me that we should start to slow down and transition to gradually putting our clothes back on (during this time we were still physically affectionate with each other). We talked about things some more, and she emphasized to me the number of 'firsts' I'd had tonight: first time taking a girl out to dinner, first time seeing a girl naked in person, first time being naked in the presence of another person, first time kissing a girl, I'm sure you can fill in the rest...

 

I was polite on the outside but on the inside I was in disbelief: that's IT? It felt like nothing! There was really no pleasure, and I didn't orgasm... How terrible! We spoke for a couple more minutes out in the living room and then I grabbed my coat to go - we kissed one last time and, I still regret this, I think I was probably a little short with her as I was walking out and kind of hurried the goodbye.

 

I was frustrated because I'd now had sex and I realized I didn't feel any different - it wasn't the magical transformation I had imagined in my mind. It didn't fix all my other problems and it didn't make me see the world anew. I still felt the same feelings of loneliness, alienation and depression that were with me before. I didn't want to go back to the apartment to see this girl - I wanted to fly across the ocean and see my coworker! I got back to my hotel room, closed the door, and burst into tears. I felt so stupid for expecting it to 'fix me' in some way when it now seemed so obvious that what I wanted wasn't just the physical act in itself, but everything else in a relationship that surrounds it. And no matter how pretty the girl or how classy the service, that wasn't going to be something money could buy.

 

Okay, this has been a really long and probably indulgent post, I'm sorry about that. Here's where I am at now, about 14 months after the fact. I'm back in the U.S. I'm another year older, 29. I'm back at my old job. I'm no longer in love with my coworker - we are instead friends, and I do have strong feelings for her still, but in the way one feels about close friends they cherish. In July, I made a decision to lose some excess weight that I think has been hampering my chances at meeting someone - so far I've lost about 40 pounds and am maybe 15 pounds off from my ideal weight. I've gotten many compliments about my appearance now, and it feels great.

 

In April, I met someone - a girl I feel more strongly about than any other I've known. She's single. We have become something like friends, although there is still some distance between us and we don't see each other sometimes for weeks or even months at a time. In that way I am partly glad that I am not in the dreaded 'friendzone' with her, but it's hard to tell. She is like me - quiet and introverted, so I have had to do most of the heavy lifting in terms of seeing her. Every time I've reached out, she's been receptive - whether that was texting her, calling her, emailing her, or of course hanging out with her. And she has taken the initiative with me on a few occasions as well.

 

I am still battling that voice inside my head that tells me no girl I like this much would ever like me back. I am still terrified of rejection. I'm still pretty clueless as to how to ask a girl out, and what to ask her out to - how to go about having a proper date. I still worry she's going to mention offhand that she's got a new boyfriend. Even though she has been receptive to me, I haven't gotten any clear signals from her that would make me feel confident enough to try to take things to the next level. I worry almost less about how I would feel if she rejected me and more about not wanting her to think of me as just another guy who was nice to her because he wanted to get in her pants.

 

I can't tell if I'm spoiling a perfectly nice friendship because anytime I meet a girl I like to be around, find attractive, and share interests with, my mind goes into relationship territory. Maybe that's the right and natural order of things. I feel like some girls don't see it that way. All I know is, I haven't felt the way I feel about her with more than a couple other people in my life. And at 29, fast approaching 30 (she's my age a well), I don't want to just have another friend. I want someone I can have a deep emotional and intimate connection with. Most of my friends are married now, and I still haven't even had a girlfriend... if I think for too long about this kind of stuff, it just drives me into despair.

 

I have days where I'm convinced she doesn't like me like that, and I have days I think I'll never meet anyone else that I feel that way about. Because in my life, like I said, I've met maybe 3 people I could say that about. And I'm not getting any younger. If it hasn't happened in this much time, why should I assume things will change? When I've already spent my 20s alone, when most people are out there playing the field and experimenting, or at least having their first major relationships?

 

Did seeing an escort help me? Clearly it has not solved my major underlying problems. But it was not a bad experience - and I can at least say I'm not a virgin any longer. In that sense, it was absolutely empowering. I don't have that particular hangup anymore.

 

Sometimes I still think of myself as a virgin anyway - an intimacy virgin, a love virgin. Because it's never been reciprocated, I've never had that experience of connecting at that level with another human being. It makes me sad but it's also something to look forward to, and something I didn't just pay for. I don't know if your experience would be better or worse than mine. I have to think that mine was probably far, far nicer than the typical experiences you'd have with that sort of thing.

 

Anyway, I could keep going but I am going to stop now. If you've made it through everything I wrote you deserve some kind of medal. I hope this post helps you or at least gives you more information to base your decision on in the coming days or weeks.

[Mumbles]

Lonely Traveller - that is a fantastic post! Really. I am so glad you shared your experience.

 

I'm going to want to talk to that later on, but I just wanted to get it out there - I am grateful you spent the time to write your long post. Its a gem and I think very pertinent to the OP of this thread.

 

Good work man, and welcome to LS

[Revolver]

Even though Im pro prostitution I wouldn't advise this because to me your still in the same position as you were before. You still haven't got a woman to like you enough to have sex with you.

[Lonely Traveler]

Thanks Mumbles. After I finished the post above I did think of one other addendum I could add. A few months ago, after I'd already started losing a decent amount of weight, I was at a party at one of my friend's houses. There were probably a good 10 or 15 people there who were new to me, so it wasn't just the usual mix. Early on in the evening, a bunch of us went to eat at a nearby restaurant, and I noticed one girl looking over at me from another table, so I looked back at her, smiled and said hey. She said hi back and then turned back to her table (which also had I think one or two people I know better at it).

 

After we'd finished our food, we were still just all hanging out and ordering drinks and people started moving around to different tables to talk to people. I had migrated over to a booth, on the window side, talking to a good friend of mine. The girl I'd seen earlier came and sat next to me in the booth. She introduced herself and told me what she did, photography, which is also one of my big hobbies and interests. My friend across the table seemed to read what was going on and went on to pile on praise for my own abilities, since I had shot his wedding the previous year. I was pretty embarrassed by this because I'm not one to toot my own horn and he was really laying it on thick, but the girl seemed impressed by it and then even went on to mention she'd seen some of my work, I guess because she knows friends of mine, and liked it a lot.

 

I had a pretty good idea of what was going on at this point, but I was conflicted. I didn't have that same feeling towards this girl that I do my crush. It wasn't that she wasn't attractive - but I wasn't instantly attracted to her. Some of it was more that the way she talked about photography was kind of shallow, even if she did do it professionally. Of course I kept talking to her anyway, because in the past I've had different reactions to women and one of the women I fell hardest for I wasn't initially attracted to (not surprisingly, she was a good friend). Anyway, because I wasn't attracted to her, she didn't make me nervous or intimidated at all, so I looked directly at her the whole time and didn't really mince words or try to keep from contradicting her or anything.

 

After the restaurant, we all went back to the house for the main party. I went off and did my own thing for several hours and didn't see that girl very much. There were activities happening around the house, and we were just in different areas for a while. Later on, people started dancing up in the living room area, and I was pretty inebriated by this point, so I walked upstairs to join in. Immediately, the girl from earlier made eyes at me from across the room, walked up to me, and literally grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me over to dance with her. She was dancing really close, backing up into me, taking my hands and putting them around her, the whole nine yards. Even drunk, I still didn't really feel anything, so I was kind of unresponsive to it. After a few songs it was like she realized I wasn't interested, or not getting the hint, so she moved on directly to another guy who was just standing alone next to a couch. She dragged him over and right away you could tell he didn't have any of my reservations about getting physical with her. I stayed on the dance floor for a while longer, just enjoying myself, then went outside for a little bit.

 

A couple hours later, I was outside on the front patio when I started hearing people chattering about some couple having loud sex in one of the bedrooms upstairs. My friend's roommate was upset because they were doing it in her room, on her sheets. Apparently they went at it a few times in a row and left quite a mess. Needless to say, it was the girl I'd been dancing with - here I was almost a year out from my experience in the Netherlands and I was turning down sex! I didn't feel bad about it at all. I knew what I liked, and who I liked, and I didn't just want the casual hookup for the sake of the casual hookup or to say to myself at least I can do it.

 

I think, had I not done what I did overseas, there's no way I wouldn't have indulged in that situation. I would just be telling myself: this is it! This is your chance! So what if you're not smitten with this girl - she's attractive, she's into you, you're 28, if you don't do this now, it's never going to happen! But because I didn't have that virgin stigma with myself, I had a lot more control - I was fine saying no.

 

But it did boost my confidence in a way - it was the first real world evidence, at least in several years, of a girl who actually liked me enough, and found me attractive enough, to have sex with. But beyond that it also demystified in a huge way this notion of having sex. I realized if I had just put myself out there into these situations more often, I could have been having sex all along. It actually was not that big of a deal. Sure, I wanted more than that - but there was definitely a big part of me for a long time that did just want (or think I just wanted) sex. So it was a strange kind of comfort knowing that in some strange way, I didn't have to remain a virgin for so long if I didn't want to. It was probably, in retrospect, more of a voluntary choice than I had imagined it to be. And to me, that was a sign of strength in some sense. That I did want to wait for the right person, and I was willing to work at it.

 

So to get back to the OP - if all you want is to not be a virgin anymore, you probably just need to be around girls in the proper context. Approaching girls during the day at school or at work or just out in public is far more difficult and tricky than if you meet them in a context where it's expected, like a party. I know this is all incredibly basic stuff, but it really does make sense. And who knows, maybe you'll be luckier than me, and the girl you meet at a party is actually someone you want to be with. Anyway, I hope that helps.

[Locust]

Hey, Locust.

 

Your posts in this thread compelled me to register so I could share my own experience with this, since it's somewhat similar. We're not completely alike, of course - my parents are still together and have, on the balance, I think a pretty good marriage. Not postcard perfect, but they do okay. In terms of ethnicity I'm white/caucasian.

 

Like you, I've had almost no relationship experience (I did have a girlfriend for 5 months in 7th/8th grade, but that's been it). In high school, I was very good friends with a few girls, all of whom I wanted to be more than friends with, and made my feelings known in a very dramatic fashion which resulted in rejection both times. I remained friends with the girls, but it still destroyed my confidence and made me feel like there was just something about me that would never appeal to women.

 

In college, there were a couple possibilities, but nothing I acted on. One because the girl had a boyfriend who I was also friends with and the other because I was a little weirded out and maybe intimidated by her (I also didn't feel attracted to her at the time although in retrospect now I think I would be). I didn't drink or do drugs in college, and I spent my weekends hanging out with my similarly-clean male roommates playing videogames, watching movies, and so on.

 

After I finished school, several years passed where I didn't meet anyone and oddly enough, I didn't try to meet anyone. I didn't feel lonely or depressed about it, I was just living my life, figuring out the working world, and focusing on creative projects. But at the same time, I wasn't putting myself out there at all, either. So when people say just live your life and the right person will come along - well, so long as you at least encounter other human beings. I lived a pretty solitary existence outside my family and friends during that time.

 

All of which is a long way of saying I found myself at 27 years old, still without any serious relationship experience, and still a virgin. Something inside me seemed to snap and I suddenly became very fixated on this fact of having never had sex. Don't get me wrong, when I was a teenager, I was off-the-charts horny - but so low was my self-esteem, I suppose, that I just thought it wouldn't happen until I was in college at the earliest. And by the time I got to college... I guess I kind of lost interest? Or maybe I so hated the party scene that I thought those were the only kinds of girls I could meet there, so I just wrote it off.

 

Anyway, when I realized I was getting older and to the point where even if I did meet someone, my virginity could be a real liability - that is when I first seriously started considering paying for it, as you said, just to demystify it, to be able to say to myself, I know a little about what this is and what to expect, and I can at least say to myself that if I get hit by a bus tomorrow, I won't die a virgin.

 

So I began looking into the different escort sites in the U.S., the review sites, and the process by which one gets verified in order to become a trusted client at such places. Almost immediately, I realized I couldn't go through with it. It made me far too nervous to contemplate such things as giving out my name and work information to an escort service that would then verify my identity and employment status, etc. I guess I felt like it was a reality check and I'd snapped out of a bad idea I was having.

 

Cut to me turning 28, another year gone by, still nothing to show for it. I had fallen in love with a coworker of mine, but she was (and still is) in a committed long term relationship I had no intentions of disrupting. Still, we hit it off really well, I made her laugh all the time, we had a huge amount in common, shared many interests, and could effortlessly talk for hours every day, which we often did, because she sat there next to me for 40 hours a week! It was so nice to finally meet someone I had feelings for again, but it was horrible at the same time because she was unavailable. And not only that - on days when I was really feeling down because of the whole situation, I still had to sit next to her and pretend everything was fine, even though my heart was breaking.

 

I also felt a heavy dose of guilt and maybe even self-loathing as the creepy guy who fell in love with his unavailable coworker - who mistook her work-mandated proximity for something more. What a hopeless case I was!

 

Later on, I got temporarily laid off from that job on basically a three month furlough. The details aren't important, but basically I had three months to fill before my boss could hire me back on in a different position that first needed to be created. Because I was so heavily attached to this coworker, I was really distraught by the prospect of not seeing her except at occasional social gatherings outside work. But I also recognized I was wasting my time pining for her, and figured maybe three months of relative isolation might do me well.

 

But I wanted to do something besides just sit at home all day feeling sorry for myself. So I decided I would take a trip, alone. I'd never been to Europe and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to get out into the world, see some new places, meet new people, remind myself that there's an entire world out there that's bigger than one person you're fixated on, and do some soul-searching.

 

I set off on my trip - it completely turned around what would have been a very sad departure from work into something wonderful and exciting, which had been my intention of course. People didn't tell me they were sorry to see me go - they just talked about how jealous they were of the adventure I was about to have!

 

In the back of my mind, though, I had one other goal for this trip: I was going to stop being a virgin once and for all. I was going to go somewhere it was legal, regulated and safe, where there wouldn't be any danger of arrest and where, hopefully, the women doing the work were not forced into it by pimps, mobsters, or to feed their own addictions.

 

I had discovered an escort service in Amsterdam that advertised a special service for virgins - it was expensive, but it also seemed like the perfect thing I was looking for (outside of actually, you know, meeting somebody). I booked an appointment, bought a train ticket to Amsterdam from Paris, and tried to wrap my head around the idea that in just about a week's time, I'd no longer be a virgin.

 

The night in question is something I still think about a lot, over a year later. But my overall sense of it is that it was a positive thing. First of all, you do not just meet the girl and have sex immediately. She welcomed me into the cozy, somewhat upscale apartment and we sat down on the couch just talking a little. She was not like your average prostitute who thinks in terms of how many men she can see in a day in order to earn a living, and therefore rushes through things.

 

After a few minutes, we hailed a taxi and went to have dinner at a fancy restaurant (it was up to me to pick the place and make reservations beforehand). As luck would have it, we did share some common interests, and between those and telling my own travel stories (so far) plus telling her about my life up to that point (such that I was now a 28 year old virgin seeking her services), conversation was not a problem throughout dinner, which lasted probably three hours because of the different courses. A handful of times I caught myself during dinner looking into her eyes as we talked and thinking to myself, man, I can't believe we're going to have sex later. But because that question had been definitively answered already, I was I think pretty laid back.

 

The restaurant called a cab for us and off we went back to the apartment. The driver seemed to size up the situation right away and made conversation with her in Dutch which I couldn't understand except by the inflection of their voices. It was the kind of "Another night on the job, eh?" exchange you might expect - but I didn't feel like I was being mocked or anything like that.

 

Once we were back in the apartment, I could feel my pulse starting to race. My anticipation was at an all-time high, although I remained calm on the outside and didn't try to rush things. In the end, we sat on the couch for probably another 10 or 15 minutes while she gently started to steer the conversation in a sexual direction - assessing what my experience level was, what I was into, and even some words about how it was okay, what we were doing, and what I was doing, and in general she just tried to put me into a relaxed state where I felt at ease.

 

And then she kissed me.

 

Now, at a certain level, it's all physiological after some point. The body reacts. I certainly did. But at a deeper level, I can tell you I was surprisingly distanced from everything that was happening. I couldn't believe it was happening, and I just kept saying in my head things like "I can't believe it. I'm thousands of miles away from home by myself kissing some girl..." or "Wow, we're both naked, I can't believe I'm actually touching a girl's breast" and you can fill in the rest. She was as patient and understanding as anyone in her place could be - almost more like a therapist.

 

Still, for all of that - it wasn't good sex! Nor could it be, seeing as it was my very first time and it was with someone who, as nice as she was (and drop dead gorgeous) I didn't have any real feelings for and barely knew. I was awkward and passive, letting her take charge during everything. I don't want to be graphic, but the main event lasted probably an hour and I still never got off. Eventually she said to me that we should start to slow down and transition to gradually putting our clothes back on (during this time we were still physically affectionate with each other). We talked about things some more, and she emphasized to me the number of 'firsts' I'd had tonight: first time taking a girl out to dinner, first time seeing a girl naked in person, first time being naked in the presence of another person, first time kissing a girl, I'm sure you can fill in the rest...

 

I was polite on the outside but on the inside I was in disbelief: that's IT? It felt like nothing! There was really no pleasure, and I didn't orgasm... How terrible! We spoke for a couple more minutes out in the living room and then I grabbed my coat to go - we kissed one last time and, I still regret this, I think I was probably a little short with her as I was walking out and kind of hurried the goodbye.

 

I was frustrated because I'd now had sex and I realized I didn't feel any different - it wasn't the magical transformation I had imagined in my mind. It didn't fix all my other problems and it didn't make me see the world anew. I still felt the same feelings of loneliness, alienation and depression that were with me before. I didn't want to go back to the apartment to see this girl - I wanted to fly across the ocean and see my coworker! I got back to my hotel room, closed the door, and burst into tears. I felt so stupid for expecting it to 'fix me' in some way when it now seemed so obvious that what I wanted wasn't just the physical act in itself, but everything else in a relationship that surrounds it. And no matter how pretty the girl or how classy the service, that wasn't going to be something money could buy.

 

Okay, this has been a really long and probably indulgent post, I'm sorry about that. Here's where I am at now, about 14 months after the fact. I'm back in the U.S. I'm another year older, 29. I'm back at my old job. I'm no longer in love with my coworker - we are instead friends, and I do have strong feelings for her still, but in the way one feels about close friends they cherish. In July, I made a decision to lose some excess weight that I think has been hampering my chances at meeting someone - so far I've lost about 40 pounds and am maybe 15 pounds off from my ideal weight. I've gotten many compliments about my appearance now, and it feels great.

 

In April, I met someone - a girl I feel more strongly about than any other I've known. She's single. We have become something like friends, although there is still some distance between us and we don't see each other sometimes for weeks or even months at a time. In that way I am partly glad that I am not in the dreaded 'friendzone' with her, but it's hard to tell. She is like me - quiet and introverted, so I have had to do most of the heavy lifting in terms of seeing her. Every time I've reached out, she's been receptive - whether that was texting her, calling her, emailing her, or of course hanging out with her. And she has taken the initiative with me on a few occasions as well.

 

I am still battling that voice inside my head that tells me no girl I like this much would ever like me back. I am still terrified of rejection. I'm still pretty clueless as to how to ask a girl out, and what to ask her out to - how to go about having a proper date. I still worry she's going to mention offhand that she's got a new boyfriend. Even though she has been receptive to me, I haven't gotten any clear signals from her that would make me feel confident enough to try to take things to the next level. I worry almost less about how I would feel if she rejected me and more about not wanting her to think of me as just another guy who was nice to her because he wanted to get in her pants.

 

I can't tell if I'm spoiling a perfectly nice friendship because anytime I meet a girl I like to be around, find attractive, and share interests with, my mind goes into relationship territory. Maybe that's the right and natural order of things. I feel like some girls don't see it that way. All I know is, I haven't felt the way I feel about her with more than a couple other people in my life. And at 29, fast approaching 30 (she's my age a well), I don't want to just have another friend. I want someone I can have a deep emotional and intimate connection with. Most of my friends are married now, and I still haven't even had a girlfriend... if I think for too long about this kind of stuff, it just drives me into despair.

 

I have days where I'm convinced she doesn't like me like that, and I have days I think I'll never meet anyone else that I feel that way about. Because in my life, like I said, I've met maybe 3 people I could say that about. And I'm not getting any younger. If it hasn't happened in this much time, why should I assume things will change? When I've already spent my 20s alone, when most people are out there playing the field and experimenting, or at least having their first major relationships?

 

Did seeing an escort help me? Clearly it has not solved my major underlying problems. But it was not a bad experience - and I can at least say I'm not a virgin any longer. In that sense, it was absolutely empowering. I don't have that particular hangup anymore.

 

Sometimes I still think of myself as a virgin anyway - an intimacy virgin, a love virgin. Because it's never been reciprocated, I've never had that experience of connecting at that level with another human being. It makes me sad but it's also something to look forward to, and something I didn't just pay for. I don't know if your experience would be better or worse than mine. I have to think that mine was probably far, far nicer than the typical experiences you'd have with that sort of thing.

 

Anyway, I could keep going but I am going to stop now. If you've made it through everything I wrote you deserve some kind of medal. I hope this post helps you or at least gives you more information to base your decision on in the coming days or weeks.

 

 

Whoa Lonely Traveler! That is some story, but I wonder if I can be physical wit ha escort and not have any emotional connection? I'm thinking I can, but that is really interesting post. I never seen that much feedback from someone.

[Locust]

Even though Im pro prostitution I wouldn't advise this because to me your still in the same position as you were before. You still haven't got a woman to like you enough to have sex with you.

 

 

What about learning and discovering what my sexual desires are? I think I could benefit from that.

[Mumbles]

What about learning and discovering what my sexual desires are? I think I could benefit from that.

 

I'm not at all sure how much of that you will get with an escort. What would I know, like you, I'm only considering the future possibilities at this point.

 

Losing my virginity was important because it was an opportunity to get an inkling of how women work physically. I assume its pretty much every late male bloomers experience that along with the actual virginity, which is pretty much a well defined activity, is a distinct lack of nude time with women? Certainly was for me.

 

I can't remember if it was this thread or another one where I go into a little detail about my first time - honestly, all that was missing was some compassion and knowledge from her and me actually handing over cash, haahaha. It was a pretty uninspiring and cold welcome to the adult sexual world. Nevertheless, it was what it was, and it was an important milestone which allowed me to stop being stunted and grow.

 

Anyway, its my impression, based upon no experience whatsoever, that surely you'd have to be prepared to create a reasonably long term business relationship, probably with a single escort, to start exploring what your desires _might be_ when starting from scratch as you would be.

 

I would have thought it more usual, and perhaps easier for an escort to deal with to have their clients already sexually reasonably mature and knowing what their likes and dislikes are? Someone with experience here like to comment on that?