Is he running from his feelings?

[emnun]

I met a man abroad who is about 8 years older than I. I was the one wary from the beginning. He was adamant we go on at least one date, and though he found himself much more charming (in a self-depreciating way somehow) than I did, I was still very drawn to him. We both agreed a casual fling would be ok, but that was it.

 

However, we both ended up falling for each other pretty hard. He was introducing me to all his closest friends, at first I thought nothing of it, that it was simply a social thing. Then he told me he had never done that (not since a ltr years back) and that he was crazy about me. I'm subconsciously aware that this is more than we discussed, and im feeling stronger for him than I intended but we are sticking to this being a whirlwind romance. one night pops the question of being long term ( i have to head home to finish college for a few months before I can return) and I stupidly ask if he knows what hes asking. we resolve the whole thing that night, and i say yes it's not that I don't want it simply that I was surprised. However he's deeply upset and doesnt speak to me all day.

 

He contacts me the following night saying he'll stay because he said he would but we clearly want dif things. We end up fighting and working through all of it, I explain I was taken off guard but that I've known for a while I wnated more, but was scared. Things take off, I meet the last of his friends, even an entire wedding party (of which im supposed to attend) of his last friend to get married (aside from him) I feel a bit weird at said party as I am much younger, and don't want to intrude on a personal time. He tells me that night that this is it we are officially official. Ive met everyone important in his life, and he owns me. I joke back saying, let's be real I own you. And he says he couldn't be happier about it. However at the end of the night he's a bit upset because I didn't stay as long as he wanted and struggled to interact as they all had known each other for so long. (I asked about leaving).

 

We're still talking me visiting in the spring, long term, etc. And suddenly he texts me one night saying, this is over, it wont end well, im not happy, etc all over the place throwing exuses at me. trying to hurt me. says hes too busy to see me in person. barely responds to my texts,(the day before this we are still talking him visiting me, he says hes crazy for me and so i happy i want him to visit) finally i get him to meet up with me days later i ask what happened. i tell him im confident we'll work. that my age doesn't affect how i feel for him and there are plenty of relationships with similar age gaps. He says I'll grow tired of him, 5 yrs down the road ill still be young and decide i ahve things to do and leave him. He has to protect himself. We do get back together, agree to stay until at least i've gone home to finish my college semester, but within two days he's broken up with me again. He turns up the following night drunk, talking about how he loves my company and he still has feelings but we wnot work we just wont work. The next morning we get intimate, all initiated by him, as i tried to stay away from him (he drunkenly fell asleep on my couch by request). Later says sorry it wont happen again i didnt want to jerk you around.

 

i contact him about four days later saying i'm struggling and still have questions, could we meet to talk. He says yes of course and invites me to drinks and dinner. I'm taken by surprise but say yes. He texts me agian later in the week all excited for it, and when we finally meet hes inviting me out again for the next evening. I really want to talk but he's avoiding questions. At the end of the nght i manage to get him to talk. he says he has to not be with me because it would the most selfish thing in the world. he needs to settle down and i need to go do things. he also has a kid (ive known this all along) and that by being with him so many doors would be closed to me. he can't do it, and he genuinely believes id eventually resent him and leave and he has to protect himself. i tell him i dont want him with anyone else, im in love, i want ot be with him and settle down. he says no one has ever been so nice, spoken to him like that, obv emotional, says he feels so much for me, all that and more but cant tell because he doesnt want it to sound like promises. we kiss for a bit and he leaves and says hell text. he does saying " i honestly didnt expect tonight to turn out like it did. im speechless as to the way you spoke to me text u tmrw.

 

But tmrw he goes right back to ignoring me though he swore up and down he wouldnt. i call him upset and drunk that night he says he cant meet up with me hes drunk. i text him four times or so still drunk and he says he has no credit but wants to say goodbye. calls me at six am, i dont answer as im in no place to talk to him properly. he texts me later saying i need to accept he wont change his mind and i know how he feels it will end. hell call later. i say how can i accept u want to be with me but are scared. he doesnt respond. next morning he tells me ive done more for his confidence than any fella deserves but this isnt healthy (me to keep conctacting him). I tell him not to break us down to an ego boost for him, and that idk how to accept that not being with him makes me miserable but he doesnt seem to care. i say i wont bother and ive deleted his number. goodbye.

 

nothing.

 

its been about four days. i email and say im sorry i cant cut you out. i respect your decision can we at least talk while i am still here. you mean a lot to me. still nothing.

 

Idk how he can be so cold. I want to go full romantic gesture on him. when we met he talked about what a romantic he was. but im scared of being the crazy girl. If he wants to be with me, why can't he? Is there no way to prove to him I love him and want to be with him forever? He says he doesn't want to be convinced otherwise, but he's already convinced himself we won't work.

 

Does he need space ( i leave to go home in just a week or so) or do I need to prove to him through action that this is real for me?

[bittersweet memories]

Nope he's not running from his feelings.

He told you from the begining he wanted a casual fling. Listen to his actions, if he wanted more he would be with you. Leave him alone don't contact him and move on. You deserve better.

[emnun]

When he wanted to start a relationship, as he flatly stated from me at the beginning, i told him i was only here for a short time before I needed to go home. He was adamant it would be a romantic whirlwind of a lifetime. As things passed he told me that this was feeling different for him. he wanted me to be completely apart of his life. He wanted long term. THat was what he told me. Before breaking up he said, this isn't a romantic whirlwind and you know it, now it's just a romance.

[flitzanu]

people don't run from their feelings. they run from things they don't want to happen, and they run because it's easier than being honest (most of the time).

 

pay attention to what he's saying, stop trying to read between lines that aren't there.