Dumped. Awesome. Any hope?

[Love Bytes]

Hey, I'm obviously new here, so I'll give a little info on myself first.

 

I'm a 27 year old male, who just got dumped from a 3 year relationship this past Saturday. I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent person. Didn't ever really think I needed anybody. I was actually previously engaged, and when that ended, I was fine. It was wierd, but I was ok.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm a disaster. Can't stop thinking about her, us, what I could have done...etc.

 

I know it isn't healthy behavior, but I've just never felt this before. We had what I thought to be a great relationship, but my constant negativity and lack of effort finally did me in. I was arrogant and I paid the price. I always treated her well, never cheated on her or abused her, but just didn't treat her well enough. Stupid little things like when she'd bring up a song she liked, I'd say it sucked. Self-destructive behavior.

 

Well, since the breakup, I've really tried to take a hard look in the mirror and see the things I don't like about myself, and how I can fix them. I broke the rules, and met up with her Monday night for a long conversation. Just apologizing and explaining that I understand why she did what she did, and that she shouldn't feel bad. I told her I'd work on myself, and do whatever I could to make things work, but that I'd give her space and time.

 

She admitted that the talk helped and may have saved any potential future we have, I just wanted some advice on how to proceed. Fortunately I have great friends, and with finals, I'm staying busy. I know I need to try to move on and not contact her, but obviously thats very difficult. Just wanted any advice on the best way to salvage a future with her. It unfortunately took this for me to realize how much she meant to me. 20/20, right?

 

Thanks a lot, I know this was long.

Ryan

[NavyAirTraffic]

I told her I'd work on myself, and do whatever I could to make things work, but that I'd give her space and time.

 

She now knows how you feel/what you're willing to do. You've promised her space and need to stick to that, anything else will come off as weak. If you can't stick to giving her space, what can you stick to?

[Love Bytes]

She now knows how you feel/what you're willing to do. You've promised her space and need to stick to that, anything else will come off as weak. If you can't stick to giving her space, what can you stick to?

 

Thanks. That's kind of how I felt. I had to contact her and at least let her know how I felt, and I know it will be hard, but I'll try my best to go full NC and see what happens. It's only been a few days, but today was a little better than yesterday, which was a little better than the day before. Still miserable, but I'll live.

 

To be honest, at this point I realized how much I want/need her in my life. Even if it is eventually just friends, I really think I may be able to eventually accept that. She became more than just a girlfriend, that's the worst part I think. Not only do I lose a relationship, but a best friend.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Unfortunately she's uttered the words "I don't want to be with you", everything else is irrelevant. Form that moment you must do things to move on because the next thing you're looking to hear is "I miss you, I want you back" and you don't know if or when that day will come.

 

My definition of "hope" is "uncontrollably unknown". I don't hope to tie my shoes, or that the sun will come up in the morning, or to pay taxes on purchases. Those are controllable and known events in my life. I hope to not get cancer, not get into a plane crash, win the lottery. I hope that makes a bit of sense lol?

[LostOne1]

Hey, I'm obviously new here, so I'll give a little info on myself first.

 

I'm a 27 year old male, who just got dumped from a 3 year relationship this past Saturday. I've always thought of myself as a strong, independent person. Didn't ever really think I needed anybody. I was actually previously engaged, and when that ended, I was fine. It was wierd, but I was ok.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm a disaster. Can't stop thinking about her, us, what I could have done...etc.

 

I know it isn't healthy behavior, but I've just never felt this before. We had what I thought to be a great relationship, but my constant negativity and lack of effort finally did me in. I was arrogant and I paid the price. I always treated her well, never cheated on her or abused her, but just didn't treat her well enough. Stupid little things like when she'd bring up a song she liked, I'd say it sucked. Self-destructive behavior.

 

Well, since the breakup, I've really tried to take a hard look in the mirror and see the things I don't like about myself, and how I can fix them. I broke the rules, and met up with her Monday night for a long conversation. Just apologizing and explaining that I understand why she did what she did, and that she shouldn't feel bad. I told her I'd work on myself, and do whatever I could to make things work, but that I'd give her space and time.

 

She admitted that the talk helped and may have saved any potential future we have, I just wanted some advice on how to proceed. Fortunately I have great friends, and with finals, I'm staying busy. I know I need to try to move on and not contact her, but obviously thats very difficult. Just wanted any advice on the best way to salvage a future with her. It unfortunately took this for me to realize how much she meant to me. 20/20, right?

 

Thanks a lot, I know this was long.

Ryan

 

I know how you feel. Been coming from a similar thing after 3 yrs she ended it. I didn't give her the space she wanted.. which I think pissed her off. If you want my advice.. give her all the space she wants. If I gave my ex space.. there is a chance she would have talked to me after. Then again there was a chance she wanted to or was seeing someone else.

 

All I can say the best thing you can do is just let it be. You CANT do anything to win her over again. You just need to accept it as it's over. And if she does come back then you have an option to do what you want. But accept it at this point that it's over forever.

 

I know it's hard and I been in your situation a few months ago. If I had communicated a bit better with my ex.. I think she wouldn't have had a reason to BU with me. But it's life man.. we live, we learn and we move on.

 

The pain will go away slowly. Im at 3+ months now and it DOES get better.

[Love Bytes]

I know how you feel. Been coming from a similar thing after 3 yrs she ended it. I didn't give her the space she wanted.. which I think pissed her off. If you want my advice.. give her all the space she wants. If I gave my ex space.. there is a chance she would have talked to me after. Then again there was a chance she wanted to or was seeing someone else.

 

All I can say the best thing you can do is just let it be. You CANT do anything to win her over again. You just need to accept it as it's over. And if she does come back then you have an option to do what you want. But accept it at this point that it's over forever.

 

I know it's hard and I been in your situation a few months ago. If I had communicated a bit better with my ex.. I think she wouldn't have had a reason to BU with me. But it's life man.. we live, we learn and we move on.

 

The pain will go away slowly. Im at 3+ months now and it DOES get better.

 

Thanks man. This site is depressing but great. You know you're not alone.

[cavalier99]

Hi love bytes. Yeah this stuff TOTALY SUCKS. But here is the deal, when she decided to walk and not work it out with you it was OVER. Now reflection on the relationship is OK. What you did that you dont want to do in the future ecetera. BUT this is so you can be better for the next relationship.

 

At one point she made DECISION to leave. You need to DECIDE to move on also.

 

I know it is the worst. She was everything and your best friend. The person you turned to in a time of distress ecetera. And now you have only yourself to rely on to pick yourself up.

 

Right now you think eventually you want to be friends. You think you have made some changes and recognize what you did wrong and this will get her back. IT WONT.

 

You cant be friends with her now or possibly forever. You need to accept that the way forward it to TOTALLY eliminate her from you life and to kill ALL REPEAT ALL HOPE.

 

HOPE is the worst. It will keep you down and torment you it will delay your healing,it will prolong the suffering and misery. Mourn CRY remember everything great and then let it go. You need to KNOW it is over. The only hope you need right now is for you own happiness without her, and the HOLY GRAIL OF RECOVERY

 

COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE

 

Every action you take is to get there, not get her back. Understand?

 

Believe me in a few weeks you wont be thinking about being friends, because this thought is toxic to becoming indifferent, you will probably be angry at her for not working it out and will be avoiding her like the plague. You need to work on you.

 

You have said your piece to her now it is all about you and time to forget about her and systematically eliminate her like a cancer from you mind and body. She doesn't exist in you current world unless you let her and it wont be pretty.

 

Were here for you and have all been were you are. I was there just 2 months ago and i think i was in worse shape. It gets a lot better. REMEMBER NC AND KILL ALL HOPE. And action to better your self for you. Then you will begin to heal. Rock On!

Edited December 6, 2012 by cavalier99

[Love Bytes]

Hi love bytes. Yeah this stuff TOTALY SUCKS. But here is the deal, when she decided to walk and not work it out with you it was OVER. Now reflection on the relationship is OK. What you did that you dont want to do in the future ecetera. BUT this is so you can be better for the next relationship.

 

At one point she made DECISION to leave. You need to DECIDE to move on also.

 

I know it is the worst. She was everything and your best friend. The person you turned to in a time of distress ecetera. And now you have only yourself to rely on to pick yourself up.

 

Right now you think eventually you want to be friends. You think you have made some changes and recognize what you did wrong and this will get her back. IT WONT.

 

You cant be friends with her now or possibly forever. You need to accept that the way forward it to TOTALLY eliminate her from you life and to kill ALL REPEAT ALL HOPE.

 

HOPE is the worst. It will keep you down and torment you it will delay your healing,it will prolong the suffering and misery. Mourn CRY remember everything great and then let it go. You need to KNOW it is over. The only hope you need right now is for you own happiness without her, and the HOLY GRAIL OF RECOVERY

 

COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE

 

Every action you take is to get there, not get her back. Understand?

 

Believe me in a few weeks you wont be thinking about being friends, because this thought is toxic to becoming indifferent, you will probably be angry at her for not working it out and will be avoiding her like the plague. You need to work on you.

 

You have said your piece to her now it is all about you and time to forget about her and systematically eliminate her like a cancer from you mind and body. She doesn't exist in you current world unless you let her and it wont be pretty.

 

Were here for you and have all been were you are. I was there just 2 months ago and i think i was in worse shape. It gets a lot better. REMEMBER NC AND KILL ALL HOPE. And action to better your self for you. Then you will begin to heal. Rock On!

 

Thanks for the post. It felt good reading it. I've had my share of relationships, but never felt like this, so it's kind of nice to see people explain my exact situation without really knowing it. Really provides some insight.

 

I'm typically a logical and very mathematical person, so I'm trying to take that approach and just move on. I'm gonna continue NC, and try to remove hope. The last part will be the hardest, but it is what it is.

 

Every day gets a little better, and last night and this morning were the first "alone" times where I didn't just absolutely break down, so I know that's a great step in the right direction.

 

As it is, I have a lot of fun and exciting plans coming up, my cousin is coming in from Dayton, OH (I live in Cleveland) and taking me to the Browns game. Then next week, he gets his MBA, so I'm going down there to celebrate and coming back up Sunday to go to another Browns game, and then since my semester will be over, and I don't start my new job until January, I might just head back to Dayton with him for a week. To really get away. Nothing down there to remind me of anything, and I think it provides the best healing option.

 

Thanks so much guys, I can't tell you how much better I feel since visiting these forums. Still terrible, but better. I've also realized that TUMS help the stomach pain that you experience. Haha.

[cavalier99]

Glad i could help some. Read the link in NavyAirTraffic has in his signature.

 

This helped me a lot early on. Don't repress your emotions and pain. Really feel it!. It is cathartic. And remember recovery isnt linear! Good days/moment and bad. This is normal. If you are doing the right things you'll eventually have more good than bad.

 

The 1st week felt like year for me. By week 3-4 time was retuning to normal. Still sucked but it wasn't complete madness anymore. Remember none of this works if you contact her. NC. Just one trivial text or response can be enough to suck you into the vortex. DONT do it. Your recover is TOP priority even if you said you could remain friends. You cant. Dissepear like a Ninja. Keeping busy like you are planning is great! You will get over this.

 

Read Caliguy and No Foolin guides.

 

Rock on!

Edited December 6, 2012 by cavalier99