Seperated and still love my wife!

[sttng1]

Ok Im new here but I really like the advice folks give here so I could certainly use some right now. Heres my story:

 

First my spouse and I were married for 10 years and we have a wonderful 9 year old daughter. We both have good jobs and honestly we got along very well. Approx 1.5 years ago she started to change just not herself pulling away etc. After doing some detective work I discovered she was having an emotional affair with some guy in another town. This really hurt me and it really pissed me off. For about the next year we argued and raised hell constantly. She left the guy alone after I found out. In June 2012 she moved out and said she needed space and to clear her thoughts. Naturally at the time I was too stupid to let her go so I continued to call her and text etc. We still argued of course. I have had the natural feelings of anger depression etc. She also continues to call and text me. Well this weekend she told me she wants to start dating and it made me very angry I told her to do what she liked but if she was so confused about what she wanted then that certainly wasnt going to help. I also told her I thought it best if we just didnt have any contact via phone or texts and that I was willing to do whatever I could to make her happy and to be a better spouse. She sends me an email last night that said What should she do? That I was telling her she was wrong fo how she feels and for what she does. She also said we may end up up back together after time away. And that I want to force it and it cant be forced. Also that I would never stop fighting for her or loving her and that was overwhelming to her. I really do love my wife and I really want her back home with me. Any advice on what steps should I do next? Thanks!!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

My brain starts filling in the details where it gets murky. Like I assume she was cheating after separation and then wants to date you after having trouble with the OM.

 

If you want her back I do think you have to let go and play it more cool. The book "Divorce Remedy" (divorcebusting.com) has some good advice. People often recommend the "180" originally described in that book. Really 180 originally just meant "do the opposite of what you are doing now, because it's not working"...but ppl have redefined it to mean everything Michele advises in her book all at once. It's all good stuff But yeah, no begging, smothering, etc.

 

I'll say it disturbs me that your wife seems to not have much regard for her wedding vows. To her marriage seems to be about whether it "works" right now without any effort. Have you guys tried marriage counseling?(MC) I've noticed women who don't value commitment freak out when they find another man they are attracted to.."What do I do? What do I do?!" and they fall into a dangerous place.... Somehow when they got married they never thought they'd ever be attracted to anyone else. Where the faithful guys pretty much know..yeah I'm attracted to other women but I'm going to commit and not put myself on the slippery slope. She needs to learn boundaries. I hear the book "Not Just Friends" is pretty good. I haven't read it to be honest.

 

Anyway, probably the book is my best answer to your question. There's so much to say on the subject. I could never fit it all in one post

[sttng1]

No she hasnt been seeing anybody that I know of and she really acts like she wants to string me along. I.e. call me and text me and be friends but not husband/wife. I will definitely look into 180 rules. She told me she wants to date other men. Thats what pissed me off. Time for a change I guess. Thanks

I actuallt tried to get her to go to marriage counseling but she would not. I am sure because more details of this emotional affair would come out.

[Ninja'sHusband]

No she hasnt been seeing anybody that I know of and she really acts like she wants to string me along. I.e. call me and text me and be friends but not husband/wife. I will definitely look into 180 rules. She told me she wants to date other men. Thats what pissed me off. Time for a change I guess. Thanks

I actuallt tried to get her to go to marriage counseling but she would not. I am sure because more details of this emotional affair would come out.

I hate to say it, but from what I understand most of the time when someone says they need space to clear their thoughts, it means they want to cheat. And cheaters lie, a lot. It may shock you. They fear the betrayed spouse's reaction and consequences.

[Mr. Lucky]

No she hasnt been seeing anybody that I know of

The key phrase is "that I know of".

I actuallt tried to get her to go to marriage counseling but she would not. I am sure because more details of this emotional affair would come out.

Why not file for divorce and give her at least the trappings of the freedom she says she wants? Either she'll wake up and make an effort towards repairing your marriage or you'll have taken the first step to exit a hopeless situation. Win, win...

 

She won't do MC, you're separated at her insistence and she's dating other guys. Time to wake up and smell the coffee...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sttng1]

Hey guys thanks so much. Since I have cutoff contact with her I actually can begin to feel like Im finally healing at least a little. Thanks again!

[sttng1]

Well she finally admitted to me that she is talking to someone. We hugged both cried and she told me she loved me and I said my goodbyes to her. We are scheduled to go to marriage counseling on Friday. She asked me should she still go and I told her "If you go I will try to keep an open mind if you dont go that will be fine too." She wants me to come to her place tomm for xmas eve dinner and to spend the night. I told her I did not think that was a good idea at all. So should I go to dinner and spend the night for my kids for xmas? And should I even go to counseling?

[eleanorrigby]

Well she finally admitted to me that she is talking to someone. We hugged both cried and she told me she loved me and I said my goodbyes to her. We are scheduled to go to marriage counseling on Friday. She asked me should she still go and I told her "If you go I will try to keep an open mind if you dont go that will be fine too." She wants me to come to her place tomm for xmas eve dinner and to spend the night. I told her I did not think that was a good idea at all. So should I go to dinner and spend the night for my kids for xmas? And should I even go to counseling?

 

I wouldn't do the dinner and xmas eve thing with her, that would be confusing for you and your children. For her it's would just be another way to keep you around, "just in case" things don't work out with her new man.

I'd make every effort to appear to me settled on a decision to divorce and move on, even if I didn't feel that way inside.

 

You will feel SO much stronger and clear headed if you do the 180. At first it feels fake and manipulative, but after while it starts to feel empowering.

 

(I'd also focus on IC rather then MC right now)

[ComingInHot]

Okay, I've gotta say it... What about your pre-teen daughter and the example that is being set by her mother (and you)?!?!

I'd say best of luck to you (wife) and see the attorney. I cannot imagine in my WILDEST dreams putting my daughter through this!! And I'd be MORTIFIED of what my daughter and husband would think of my actions and what that is showing both of you about my character and teaching her!!

So, take a stand for both yourself and your daughter but NOT your A! She is verbally asking for cake and you are giving it to her @ your own & your daughter's expense. Stop. She left and thinking you're waiting so she'll get her happy ending regardless. No. Of she wants to come home now, she's going to have to work for it as she is Not truly understanding what she has put @ risk of losing. Show her. Like by divorce proceedings. Of that doesn't shake her tree then you'll have your answer and be able to move on w/out wasting anymore of your life*

My gosh my heart breaks for you & your daughter.

Oh, and a resounding NO to some fake christmas eve dinner thing!!

[Spark1111]

I think you should go to dinner and see your children because tha t is what a good father would do. At the end of the evening, excuse yourself and go home.

 

Keep all counseling appointments.

[Bryanp]

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed and you said you want to be dating other women I am sure she would be see an attorney which is exactly what you should be doing.

 

She is seeing someone else and the chances are great the OM is spending time with his family over Xmas. You really have blinders on. See an attorney to understand your option. It is pretty obvious that you are her fall back plan. There seems to be absolutely no consequences to her actions. She is disrespecting you and your marriage horribly. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[sttng1]

Thanks so much for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I told her absolutely no on the xmas eve dinner. And I sat down with my 9 year old and explained things to her. You know what she said? She said Dad this is not your fault this is Moms wow just wow...out of the mouths of babes.

[GLDheart]

What you are going through feels unimaginable to you.

 

Unfortunately, the pattern your wife is following is like a script written so many times here. This is how it goes. We see it so often it's scary.

 

Your wayward spouse usually freaks out when coincidentally thier "new fling" falls short of the fairytale right about the same moment in time that you good and truly begin to move on without them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you should go to dinner and see your children because tha t is what a good father would do. At the end of the evening, excuse yourself and go home.

 

Keep all counseling appointments.

We might be in the minority but I agree. Time to separate your relationship with your STBXW from your relationship with your kids. Do you want to spend Christmas with your kids? Heck yes. Do you want to spend the night with her? Hell no...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ComingInHot]

I must have missed it. I thought only your W moved out, not the daughter. If that's the case, then ya, you need to see your children.. sucky.

[Steadfast]

The hardest thing to do is emotionally detach. See, she's done that some time ago, leaving you to learn these new 'rules' on the fly. Not easy.

 

But it seems you are, judging by your posts. You are changing the game, even if just for yourself. The best advice one can give to a "Where is she really at?" question is to judge her actions. Her words mean nothing.

 

When a woman has eyes for another man, anyone crossing her plans (including and/or especially her husband) will be viewed and treated as a threat to her happiness. That is often the hardest thing for a betrayed spouse to deal with. The rejection can often turn mean and spiteful.

 

Battling against those emotions is a fear of losing her security. That's you. Mr. Always There. Mr. Sure Thing. She's playing both ends to her credit.

 

Truly, the best thing you can do for everyone is to detach and leave your wife to her decisions. Nothing is better than an easy to see, black or white position. It's me, only me, or nothing. No waffling. No tears. Be strong.

 

Be strong sttng.

[sttng1]

Well on Xmas eve day i texted her a couple of times to see about dinner and if we were going to open presents on xmas eve. One word answers very curt. I tried to call her a couple of times after she got off work and no answer. My older stepdaughter was at my house so I picked up her phone and called her guess what she answers 1st ring. I said it seemed so odd you can answer a call from this phone and you cant take one for me. She hung up on me. I am 1000% sure she was talking to the other man. I do honestly believe this is it for me with her. It made me so mad that I actually saw red. I sat my kids down and I explained that I would not be at their house on xmas eve nor on xmas day. I changed my cell # and deactivated facebook. She called my house twice. She emailed me 3 times saying I was acting childish and that she hung up on me cause she couldnt talk (BULL****). I plan to go to counseling on Friday just for me. Please pray for me and my stepkid and my daughter. It truly has turned out to be the ****tiest xmas in my life. Off to work I go.

[road]

I picked up her phone and called her guess what she answers 1st ring. I said it seemed so odd you can answer a call from this phone and you cant take one for me. She hung up on me.

 

 

Getting into fights and trying to educate WW on what's wrong never works getting them back into the marriage.

[GLDheart]

I wish you strength. This is at the top of the list of life's $hitiest things to go through.

[sttng1]

Well counseling was Friday. She actually showed up and did partcipate. I felt as if it were a good session. After we left she called me and for the first time in a year and a half we actually communicated. She told me a couple of times she wants to communicate with me but she does not want to reconcile at this time. She also said she doesnt want to come home for the wrong reasons. We talked for 2 hours. She told me she wants me to get out and live. She asked me to sign the seperation papers. I am going to do that. Then shortly after we got off the phone naturally I think she talks to the OM. Back to acting weird again. Then she calls me a couple of hours after this episode and we talked again for an hour. She told me she doesnt want to go back to counseling (hmm probably cause your actions will start to come out) and we can communicate on our own. I replied I am going to continue to go to make me better I'd like for you to be there but if you are not thats your decision. I was very honest with her and she was with me. But again it was open and very warm communication and I felt like she has been letting go of her anger and resentment towards me. I told her there was no hope for us as long as she allows others to interfere in our marriage. She did not really seem to like that at all. Ok so tell me the things I dont want to hear. I have been facing the fact that my marriage is more than likely over. Advice or ideas?

[ComingInHot]

Sting;

I think you HAVE gotten advise you don't want to hear. Go back & re-read the comments again.

Face the heartbreak that your marriage is over then begin healing yourself & children. It was Never promised that this life would be easy, otherwise we'd never want to leave, but there are many moments of joy that await. Don't miss out on them because you allowed your selfish spouse to steal it away!

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

Well counseling was Friday. She actually showed up and did partcipate. I felt as if it were a good session. After we left she called me and for the first time in a year and a half we actually communicated. She told me a couple of times she wants to communicate with me but she does not want to reconcile at this time. She also said she doesnt want to come home for the wrong reasons.

 

I told her there was no hope for us as long as she allows others to interfere in our marriage. She did not really seem to like that at all. Ok so tell me the things I dont want to hear. I have been facing the fact that my marriage is more than likely over. Advice or ideas?

 

 

If you let her she will keep giving you enough hope to keep you as a back up plan forever. She will throw you a bone and tell you not to cut ties with her. There is a guy here on LS that has been his WW's back up plan since 2009! Do you want to end up like that? Her shoulder to cry on when the latest "love of her life" dumps her? For years on end? Her safety net in case she never gets another guy to marry her? Save yourself from this fate.

[sttng1]

Excellent advice from the folks on here. Thanks so much for the guidance.

[eleanorrigby]

Well counseling was Friday. She actually showed up and did partcipate. I felt as if it were a good session. After we left she called me and for the first time in a year and a half we actually communicated. She told me a couple of times she wants to communicate with me but she does not want to reconcile at this time. She also said she doesnt want to come home for the wrong reasons. We talked for 2 hours. She told me she wants me to get out and live. She asked me to sign the seperation papers. I am going to do that. Then shortly after we got off the phone naturally I think she talks to the OM. Back to acting weird again. Then she calls me a couple of hours after this episode and we talked again for an hour. She told me she doesnt want to go back to counseling (hmm probably cause your actions will start to come out) and we can communicate on our own. I replied I am going to continue to go to make me better I'd like for you to be there but if you are not thats your decision. I was very honest with her and she was with me. But again it was open and very warm communication and I felt like she has been letting go of her anger and resentment towards me. I told her there was no hope for us as long as she allows others to interfere in our marriage. She did not really seem to like that at all. Ok so tell me the things I dont want to hear. I have been facing the fact that my marriage is more than likely over. Advice or ideas?

 

 

 

If she doesn't want to reconcile, doesn't want to go to counseling, doesn't want to stop seeing her other man, wants you to sign the papers and get out and live your life, there really shouldn't be anything left for you two to talk about other then the divorce and the kids.

 

Let her calls go to voicemail and screen them. If you hear divorce or kids, pick up, otherwise I would ignore them.

[2sunny]

File for divorce. She's a cake eater.

 

You have been allowing her to keep you in limbo.