LostandAshamed Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I've been lurking for a while but I need to tell someone because I haven't told anyone about this and it's killing me. I lost the best thing I ever had because I acted crazy. It's embarassing to even tell but I will here because I feel like if i don't get this out I'll never get past it. Here's my story: Before I was with my most recent ex, who I was with for a little over a year, I got out of a really long relationship with my last bf who I was with for 8 years. He's 34 and I'm 30. I found out he was cheating on me with his co-worker, and I was devastated, we lived together, had pets together, and everything was more or less OK in our relationship, or so I thought. At any rate he ended up moving out and I picked up the pieces of my life. After about 5 months I met this wonderful man, my most recent guy. He'd also been cheated on in the past. I didn't feel like I was ready to date quite yet but we really hit it off exchanging "ex" stories and we got to be friends and within a few weeks sparks flew, and we started dating. Things were going really great and I was on cloud 9! This guy was perfect, he was sweet and affectionate, the sex was out of this world, he was generous and would buy me little things and take me fun places all the time. We got along great and hardly fought. He began to have issues at work after a while, and I noticed he began to get distant. He was always so good at talking about things, but after a while he just wouldn't. He tried to reassure nothing was wrong, but I just had this nagging feeling. He didn't seem invested in the relationship that much anymore, lost interest in sex, and just seemed to be losing interest in me. No matter what I seemed to do it didn't help. He wouldn't make plans anymore and backed out of a trip we were supposed to take. Woudln't pick up the phone. We fought more. After a while we had a talk and he said he wasn't sure what he wanted but that he cared about me so much and just be patient with him. That hurt, but OK. Shortly thereafter I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I called his phone nonstop and he wouldn't answer. No texts, woudln't pick up his work phone. THen I finally got him when I called from a different number, he seemed surprised but said he was working late and that he'd call me when he got out of work. No call came. So I got in my car and went to where he lives about 40 minutes away. I was crying and I'd had a few drinks in me (I know, bad) and I waited outside of his house for when he came home. He pulled up after a while, and even though every part of me was screaming at myself to get back in the car, I leaped out at him and surprised him to say the least. He said "what the hell" and started walking away. I chased after him like a pathetic puppy dog asking if he'd just talk to me, please. I was begging. He tried to get into his house and I blocked his way. He was yelling at me to get away from him. I'd already lost my dignity at that point and no longer cared. He yelled "we're through!" and pushed past me in the door. The next day we both calmed down and he agreed to talk to me. He broke it off saying it'd be better if we were just friends. I apologized over and over for stalking and chasing him like that and he actually said it was OK, he will let it go, no need to apologize. He actually apologized for being so flaky and said he was just so shocked, I am so much better than that, than what I did. I know we'll never get back together and he's texted me here and there asking how I am. I am just so ashamed that one stupid action, one bad night of me acting desperate ruined everything and I lost this great guy. People do stupid things all the time to save a relationship but I can't get past this. I play it over and over in my mind and wish so desperately it didn't happen but it did and I can't take it back and it's eating away at me. Not only because I lost him but now I feel like he'll just remember me that way forever. Not looking for validation, I don't know...just venting. I needed to get this out. Thanks.
Author LostandAshamed Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 I want so much to make it better. He said he still cares about me but I know the relationship is over. I dont want that to be the last impression he has of me. I want to start anew, but I feel like I need to leave him alone for a while. I still have so many unanswered questions too about our relationship and if it would have ended anyway. I think what i did was just put the nail in the coffin.
Cl0udy Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 The only way you save face is you have to cut contact. So you can have a little closure say. I know what I did was out of my character. It wasn't fair to you that I acted in such a matter. I can only hope one day you understand why I acted in such a way. Thank you for all those nice memories. I will respect your space I only want what is best for you. Take care, Your name. He will feel like you understand him and he may second guess himself. It is IMPORTANT that you DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVEVR EVER EVER after you send that message. The why is not important and will never be. Focus on yourself.cry if you have to, but don't show it to him. Ignore him and move on. Trust me he will think of you and all the great memories. 1
Ielz Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Just put it in the past. Regain yourself, try to solve your issues. be confident about yourself and you will be ready for the next guy that could be the right guy for you. Forget about him.. It's not easy to be friends with him for now so just stop communicating with him. Goodluck 1
Treasa Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 No, don't say you only want what's best for him. He treated you badly before you stalked him. If you want to, sent him an email saying something like, "Sorry I went crazy on you. I was pissed because you were ignoring me, but that's no excuse." Although, honestly, I would just learn from this and not contact him again. 2
Author LostandAshamed Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 I have done nothing but cry for the past 10 days. I am beating myself up over this like you wouldn't believe. We all do dumb things sometimes but I just feel like he has this horrible image of me as a crazy woman now and that maybe the person he thought he knew was an illusion. Well I'd always been emotional but never over the top. Ugh. He has emailed me a couple of friendly e-mails and asked how i am doing, so I guess it's not too bad, but I just can't forgive myself. I think he understand why I did what I did but not why I went to the extreme that i did. Thanks for the suggestion of what to write, maybe I'll send, maybe I won't. I have to leave him be, I know that. I think to me I feel like I did something unforgiveable but it's not like I cheated. I hate how weak I am. The worst part is he told me that he feels like I don't trust him. Which, maybe was a little bit true but not due to him, due to my cheating ex and I guess I took those things out on this guy. Man did I mess up.
todreaminblue Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) you know what you did to give the relationship a death knell, you regret i tand you are only human you made a mistake.......i always err on the side of caution in a relationship an din regards to personal space ...i am careful when it comes to someone who asks for space......i havent really had anyone ask for space because i give it naturally though...in a situation where you feel someone backing away from you and you do know it and feel it when it happens.....someone who doesnt return phone calls or texts to me needs space for whatever reason..maybe they cant talk about it.....i dont force people or confront people who dont call back...i let it go...ill say hey here for you when you need me as a message if they are close to me otherwise if they arent that close i dotn send one at all.... and then the space is theirs to decide what they want..if they want to talk and they know me well enough all they have to do is call I am there for them when they need to contact me.......i have been harassed know what it feels like, i dont do that......when i am in a relationship i maintain it that way....equal phone contact either way...... he did give you signs he needed some space.....and i am sure in time he will not just think about your turning up with a few drinks under your belt episode....what he did though telling you he would call and then you waiting around for that call wasn't right either...he should have been clearer to you that he needed time and space.... you weren't the only one who made mistakes....in effect wise, he promoted you chasing him by saying he would call...... send that apology message as another poster said, and go the no contact route until he contacts you...put it away, its done and dusted....i hope everything works out for you and the next relationship you have is with a guy who knows what he desires....... that part isn't your fault you know....that you were more invested than he was.......just means that you need the same investment back..and you want to get what you give....that is actually normal and healthy... drinking and turning up like a wild woman...weeeeeell.....smilin atcha....we all have a little wild in us....recognize those traits and put them away next time......i hope and wish that for you that you find what you seek and that you get what you give in a relationship...hugs and best of luck(no alkeehol for you when upset) next time....deb Edited December 6, 2012 by todreaminblue 1
Treasa Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Don't apologize to him. He stonewalled you. Adults who love each other don't just ignore each other. He's jerking your emotions around. Don't settle for it. Please ignore him, or block him if you can't do that. He's enjoying seeing how emotional you'll get for him. 3
Author LostandAshamed Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice. It would have been much easier if he'd just told me he needed space instead of playing games and ignoring me and brushing me off. He knew it upset me, and I really really tried for the most part not to let it show, there were so many times I let it go and tried not to smother him but I guess it just built up. I was never like that in the beginning but neither was he. I wish I had just held my head higher and said **** you let you come to me. He always did have a big ego! OH well. Oh yea alcohol and emotion? Never, ever a good combination. Lesson learned, sigh. I feel much better already just by talking about this I seem to have minimalized it. Never forgotten, but it doesn't seem like an insurmountable peak anymore. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Thanks everyone for the advice. It would have been much easier if he'd just told me he needed space instead of playing games and ignoring me and brushing me off. He knew it upset me, and I really really tried for the most part not to let it show, there were so many times I let it go and tried not to smother him but I guess it just built up. I was never like that in the beginning but neither was he. I wish I had just held my head higher and said **** you let you come to me. He always did have a big ego! OH well. Oh yea alcohol and emotion? Never, ever a good combination. Lesson learned, sigh. I feel much better already just by talking about this I seem to have minimalized it. Never forgotten, but it doesn't seem like an insurmountable peak anymore. I am glad you feel better......you do deserve honesty in a relationship and that would have vetoed you making that mistake.maybe one day he might understand his part in your mistake...you are more enlightened...best wishes...... deb 1
Quest4_TheLost Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I'm sorry you feel like crap.. Don't beat yourself up for what you did. You are going through a vulnerable time in your life getting out of an 8 yr relationship. This guy is a jerk! He checked out of your relationship without saying a word and you had to act out of control for him to finally admit what he didn't have the balls to say in the first place. This isn't your fault it was over already and you were reacting because you know this! Acting like a fool happens to the best of us! Keep your chin up girly. I can't tell you what to do but I really don't think you should worry about what this guys last impression of you is. Regain your strength and image by being strong enough to cut him out of your life and move on. It won't be easy keep posting here if you need to. *HUGS* 2
KraftDinner Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 You didn't scare him away! He had already pushed you away, in the rudest possible manner. YOU apologizing to HIM? Eff that. He was a grade A prick. Adults don't just ignore someone close to them because they all of a sudden feel 'unsure' or some BS. I don't get how anyone could think you were in the wrong. What he did was SO hurtful. I dunno, I feel like some people need to raise their standards or something if they think it's normal or ok for someone you care about to just randomly drop out of your life and you just have to accept it. To heck with that. I demand better, and if I feel I deserve an explanation, I won't just demurely step back and eagerly wait for him to get over his anger. If my actions at that point 'push him away,' don't you think I'd be better off? Who wants a guy like that??? 2
KraftDinner Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Adults articulate their needs. This guy didn't act like an adult. It hurts because dealing with his crap after what you went through drove home YET AGAIN how people will dupe you into getting intimate with them and pull the rug out from under you. I would NEVER apologize to this clown. He should be apologizing to you for having no compassion after playing games with a wounded person only to **** all over their budding trust in humanity again. STOP beating yourself up. Your actions showed you cared about him more than your own dignity, you sacrificed enough for this undeserving clown. If I were you the next time He contacted me I would say: "I've thought about the situation. I opened up to you about my recent betrayal and you pretended to be empathetic to what, get me in a tizzy and then go cold without communication? Then I apologize to you for caring enough to want to understand what's wrong? My only mistake here was trusting you to communicate like an adult and not walking away with a big f'off when you played kid games instead of be silly enough to demand closure from someone so clearly messed up. I spent enough time on dishonest game playing dirt bags. Drop the charade you don't care how I feel, hence I don't care about you either. Don't contact me again.." GREAT post.
Author LostandAshamed Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 He was the coward, but I let him get he best of me. I am a huge believer in communication and when I can't get that from people I get so pissed! I'm much better off. 3
bittersweet memories Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) I want so much to make it better. He said he still cares about me but I know the relationship is over. I dont want that to be the last impression he has of me. I want to start anew, but I feel like I need to leave him alone for a while. I still have so many unanswered questions too about our relationship and if it would have ended anyway. I think what i did was just put the nail in the coffin. How long did you date him?? We're you guys exclusive? Edited December 6, 2012 by bittersweet memories
robaday Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 The guys forgiven you so theres nothing to feel bad about......he played games with you and wouldnt give you a firm answer one way or another. If you were still together then you did nothing wrong at all - you thought you were still together and wanted to see him to find out whatsup? I acted desperate too toward the end of my relationship. She told me she was confused and having doubts, ignored two phone calls. So I tried to let her go as nicely as possible. This just made her angry. I went round to her house to try and talk things through, she slammed the door in my face. I sent her an email saying I loved her and would miss her......and she told me to never contact her again. Am I ashamed no? I was at first. But why would I be? I had known her for 3 years and needed to make sure I had done my utmost to salvage it. I know now, and can move on with a clear conscience and you should have one too! You tried, and that takes guts. Just dont rock up there again!!!
LostOne1 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 The guys forgiven you so theres nothing to feel bad about......he played games with you and wouldnt give you a firm answer one way or another. If you were still together then you did nothing wrong at all - you thought you were still together and wanted to see him to find out whatsup? I acted desperate too toward the end of my relationship. She told me she was confused and having doubts, ignored two phone calls. So I tried to let her go as nicely as possible. This just made her angry. I went round to her house to try and talk things through, she slammed the door in my face. I sent her an email saying I loved her and would miss her......and she told me to never contact her again. Am I ashamed no? I was at first. But why would I be? I had known her for 3 years and needed to make sure I had done my utmost to salvage it. I know now, and can move on with a clear conscience and you should have one too! You tried, and that takes guts. Just dont rock up there again!!! See the hard part for me there also having a 3 yr relationship. Is that I feel maybe what I did was wrong. Instead of trying... I just needed to let go when she wanted to let go. I agree trying does take guts.. But for me.. it makes me wonder if I played it all wrong. Instead of crying and begging.. if I just had let her go then and there. Given her what she wanted maybe things would be different. But at the end of the day I see it as.. I can't control the situation. I'm not god and I can't make someone see, understand or feel anything. I can do my best with what I BELIEVE is the right thing to do. And just go with it and just know it is what it is....
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