Incomingdivorce Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 So we have been seperated (not legally) for almost 9 months since she walked out and told me that she just was not happy and wanted to think if being married is really something she wanted. We were married about a year and a half prior to the separation, and we are in our mid 20's. There had been some attempts to talk it out and work on things but it never really worked out. She seemed stuck on the fact that she didn't treat me nicely (which was often the case, but I still love regardless, I knew what I was getting into.) and focusing on how I will be happier without her. What I think it comes to is her trying to rationalize why she left, and convincing herself that its good for me. 2 nights ago I found out she had been with someone else, but didn't get more out of her than that. Last night I pushed and found that its ongoing, since mid summer and I think still going on. Never thought she would be after a younger man, barely out of high school. The thing is, I really don't think this was something going on when she left. I didn't see any signs of infidelity. The person she is with (I know of him but have not met him) has drug problems and sells drugs, and she is a good girl and always has been. Never any type of substance abuse in her life, she barely even drinks alcohol. Planning to file for divorce asap after finding out, but having a hard time because I still love her somehow. Do you think this is come kind of phase, something in her head making her do this? Its really nothing resembling something the girl I have known for 8 years would do. We were trying to have children up to a couple weeks before she left. A lot of things just don't fit together in my mind, but I don't know if its me giving her the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't. Any ideas appreciated, I am losing it mind it feels like everything is falling apart (which it is). We moved to her home town after school near all of her friends and family, and we share most of our friends now. Its like I trapped on an island. Thank you in advance.
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Welcome to LS. You'll find lots of information and very experienced, supportive folks here. You need to give up trying to find answers. Give up worrying about who~what~why. She is who she is now. Focus on healing yourself and getting a new life plan. Sorry you are on Misery Island. You're young and it must be a bit frightening to be so isolated. Vent here. 2
Author Incomingdivorce Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 First thanks for the fast responses. I know you guys are right, and its the same thing her parents and family (who I am actually close with) keep telling me. She's not the person anyone knows.
GuyInLimbo Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Walk away, man. A "phase???" No. Especially not when you've only been married a year and a half. In my opinion, the relationship is done. Period. People don't go through "phases" of moving out and cheating in any healthy relationship. I'll stick to my opinion that you both probably got married too young and she realized this way before you did. Stop trying to figure out why or what. She's NOT the one for you, despite the fact you "love" her. Do you really? Or are you more afraid of the unknown? You also simply need time to heal because you are in pain. And that's ok and normal. It's not of your concern who she's dating at this point. She's an adult and she is not your responsibility, even if she may be acting in a self-destructive way. And you are no longer a couple, if only legally. You're lucky in that you have few responsibilities and no kids. You can get out virtually scott-free. Build yourself a new life elsewhere and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. 2
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 "Oh, and I say it again, you've been had, you've been took, you've been hoodwinked, Bamboozled, led astray, run amok!" You need to take this girl down off of the pedestal that you have put her on. You are in fact better off without her. She is not acting benevolently, but she is inadvertently correct in this case. This is a lost cause, do not waste anymore of your life on her. File immediately and get on with your life. 1
seibert253 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Your lucky you have no kids!! Divorce, and then walk away my friend. No ties and and fresh start OP, no need to read any further than above. 1
Author Incomingdivorce Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 She really is nuts, I need out. Supposed to meet with her today to talk. Pretty much letting her know I know everything. Asked her to bring her ring and checkbook to our joint account, as I have worked hard for both. All of a sudden she is saying how she can't handle it and wants to do this via text message, saying how everyone makes mistakes, and that I need to forgive her. Also that she wants to be nice to me, and does love me and is sorry. She wants to know if she is going to lose all of her friends. I responded to that by saying that I would not stoop to make that happen, and shes begging me not to let it happen telling me she will give me anything I want. Sounds to me like just trying to look out for herself like she has been doing?
GuyInLimbo Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 She really is nuts, I need out. Supposed to meet with her today to talk. Pretty much letting her know I know everything. Asked her to bring her ring and checkbook to our joint account, as I have worked hard for both. All of a sudden she is saying how she can't handle it and wants to do this via text message, saying how everyone makes mistakes, and that I need to forgive her. Also that she wants to be nice to me, and does love me and is sorry. She wants to know if she is going to lose all of her friends. I responded to that by saying that I would not stoop to make that happen, and shes begging me not to let it happen telling me she will give me anything I want. Sounds to me like just trying to look out for herself like she has been doing? Boo hoo. Touch sh*t, girl . Dude, just hold your ground and don't buy ANYTHING she says about feeling sorry and all of that. The damage is done. Get what you need and walk away. You need to forgive NO ONE.
Author Incomingdivorce Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Thats the plan Limbo. Actually feeling better now that I have made the decision.
Holyoak Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 She really is nuts, I need out.... saying how everyone makes mistakes, and that I need to forgive her. Also that she wants to be nice to me, and does love me and is sorry. Putting 87 octane in where I wanted 91 is a mistake; interlocking genitals with anyone other than hubby is adultery... She has royaly effed-up BY CHOICE, hurting you about as bad this side of murder, and this is all she has... She NEEDS YOU to forgive her; my my, she has some pretty big brass ones! Buh-bye nut case, too bad-so sad. Sounds to me like just trying to look out for herself like she has been doing? Aw-yep... Glad to read you are moving on, and so glad no kids are involved. Good luck to you; you got this.
2sunny Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Close the bank account - no need to force her to see you. She keeps her ring. File for divorce and don't look back. Keep moving FORWARD... She's shown her lack of character...you can't make her be a decent person - but you CAN divorce her.
SuperGeek Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) I stopped at the first paragraph. She left man. She moved out and is probably banging some other guy. 9 Months? Are freaking kidding me? Do yourself a favor and get up tomorrow (or whever you are) and go file the divorce peition immediately. She doesn't want to be with you (for whatever reason) and you know what (it doesn't matter at this point) . Just be done with it and put it in the past. Why should you have to convince someone to be with you. 9 months...gosh. Get that D filed and out of your life immediately so you can move on. LIFE IS TOO SHORT to be hanging on to a woman that doesn't even want you. Fact: Women don't leave men they don't see good futures with. SuperGeek So we have been seperated (not legally) for almost 9 months since she walked out and told me that she just was not happy and wanted to think if being married is really something she wanted. We were married about a year and a half prior to the separation, and we are in our mid 20's. Edited December 7, 2012 by SuperGeek
GLDheart Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Kick this broad to the curb and then revamp yourself to "you 2.0". Show this broad the life she could have had ;-)
Mystery2Me Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 So sorry you are hurting and have been treated so poorly. First and foremost is strict No Contact leave her alone (It's going to be rough). Right now she is serving up non-sense, and you can not make sense out of non-sense. Now that you have some time to yourself, schedule yourself a few days to commiserate with a Pity-Why me-WTH party to get your bearings. Afterwards you must protect your sanity, money and home...then you have to decide what is best for you and how to accomplish it. Finally, I would move on. She sounds a bit insure, acting more like you are boy friend/girl friend rather than husband and wife. This is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. Take the very best care of yourself
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