kyle77 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 This week my life has in a way fallen apart. When I was with my ex I felt like I had this drive. This passion I guess. This passion was really important to me because it made me feel happy and accomplished. Lately, all of the things I used to do that made me feel good I just dont do anymore. I would workout almost every day, I would read books, I would shop for new clothes, plan out my future etc. Right now I am in a bit of a rut. I keep thinking about my ex and how I miss her. My life just doesnt feel complete without her. So what do you guys advise I do to get my motivation back up? So that I can continue to do all those things I used to do. I feel like the only way to get my life on track again is by getting my ex back....which is obviously not the answer.
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Set small goals. It's about changing your daily habits. Discipline is they key ingredient at first. Fake it 'til you make it. Do the small activity change even though you do not feel like it. You will turn this around. Keep venting and seeking support here.
jwhite Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Go to a different gym and work out HARDER. Keep a journal
Author kyle77 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 So start with small things? Like what?
BUBS Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I can relate entirely to the issue you are having. When I was with my ex I found I was extremely motivated constantly to one up myself. I could get through school, errands, hobbies, friends, and work with absolute ease and still continuously find new things I wanted to apply to my life that would better me. Now I have had a really hard time since the break up two months ago to do anything. I have gained weight, am not physically active, I struggle to get to work and actually be productive while I am there. I have been eating unhealthy, really procrastinating on my classes and so forth, and have done absolutely nothing when it comes to true socialization and hobbies. Like you, nothing interests me any longer. I find absolutely no satisfaction from the things I used to do when I had my ex in my life, or before him even. This is extremely common. I find even when I motivate myself for a mere moment to even attempt to function like a normal person that I get no sense of accomplishment from it, but it has the opposite effect that I hurt or get pangs of grief that I cannot share any type of my accomplishments with my ex. So I have two pieces of advice for you that have helped me when I really get down on myself for the semi-sloth I've become. The first (which I haven't applied but seems the most logical) is that like others suggested above, fake it till you make it. You are hurting and broken, nothing is going to satisfy you, you are looking for the emotional reward and mental fulfillment of a person who is not going through tragedy. Many people on these forums have had to force themselves to go to the gym, or do hobbies that they get absolutely no joy from in a zombie like way and just have to keep the faith that while you cannot feel ANY emotional rewards from this immediately (which seems odd to any normal person who once obtained joy from these type of accomplishments) what you are doing is healing yourself from the outside in, and one day you will begin to feel better, it will just be a delayed response, potentionally very delayed if you are traumatized by this experience, however the question is, how much more delayed will your joy be if you do not do anything at all? Most likely more so. You are looking for the pay off, the relief, just like we all are, and it's hard to find motivation if there is no immediate pay off in these situations, its easy to fall to pieces. Treat your hobbies, and everything else like a puppy, and remember that you can look every single day at yourself and not "feel" a change, and then one day you just will be changed without having noticed it that often, just like a puppy growing into a dog. My second piece of advice is what I've found is working the best for me. SMALL steps. You wanting to be a power-house person like you were when you had your ex is going to be difficult, not just because you are hurt and grieving loss, but also because you lack the motivation because you have probably become co-dependent on sharing these experiences and feeling good about your accomplishments from your ex's recognition. If you do not have your ex to tell you how amazing you are, or to complain to about how sore you are after the gym, or tell you how great you look... it almost feels like it's all for nothing sometimes. Trying to be this put together goal oriented person could hinder your healing a great deal, because right now should be focused on "pampering" yourself in a way... takin er' easy. When you put pressure on yourself like that and do not complete the tasks you want to, you are discouraging yourself, and in a state of a rejection like one gets in a break up, more self-loathing or discouragement is the opposite of what you want. Be more forgiving to yourself. As many others say on these forums, treat yourself like your best friend right now. Take small steps to fill your time with things that don't require a great deal of will power but are still fundamentally more healthy than doing nothing at all, rebuild your health physically, and emotionally, and eventually you will find the energy to power- house it! Small steps, cook whole meals for yourself, nutritionally balanced and healthy. It will take up time cooking it, it will provide a sense of doing a task, it will give your body nourishment and help you function with more clarity and less grief, and it is something that provides a quick final result and accomplishment. Think like a child, if a child is hungry, its more moody, more dependent, more upset... If you are sleepy, you will be more irrational, more emotional, and wont think as clearly or constructively. Go to sleep earlier than you normally do. Get extra rest, but don't lay in bed all day. Set small goals, keep your house clean consistently, as clutter and so forth will only make your mood worse. Once you get enough sleep, nutrition, hydration and so forth, focus on your hygiene more often, its less grueling than exercise and requires little motivation. Make sure you shower daily, go get a massage once or twice a month, whatever. You get the point. Small steps is key. Then force yourself to go to the gym/take a walk.... hell even pull up a 10 minute youtube at home workout once or twice a week, till you are able to really find your motivation. Pick up a book and read a few pages, call friends, or have discussions with people on this forum like you have been. You are hurt and probably not so deserving of it, therefore now is the time to treat yourself and stop forcing yourself to constantly push the limits... Consider this a mental retreat, a place to recollect your sanity and independence... like rehab for weening off a relationship addiction. It'll come in time... the world doesn't stop moving, and eventually you'll get so tired of going against the grain to dwell, be hurt, or lazy that you'll snap back into reality and move with it. Good luck! 1
Chi townD Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Take a short trip somewhere. Have a small adventure. Do something different that you never done before. Or go to a place that you've never seen before. Get yourself out of the norm and stop doing the same thing day in and day out for a weekend. a new environment, new surroundings. Sounds like you need to decompress and recharge. So, take a long weekend and go somewhere.
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