Late 20's, NEVER dated

[Yak242]

Hello,

this thread's title is almost true. I did go on one first date arranged online last year and I was totally lost, which is part of why I am posting this.

 

I am approaching 28 and I have never dated anyone or even asked a girl out, with the exception of that one encounter. When I was 19 (almost a decade ago, yikes!) I was in a semi-serious relationship, but even that just sort of happened - she asked me out, completely out of the blue. She also ended it. So is life.

 

Anyway, I essentially never made it onto the dating scene in my 20s. This has bothered me immensely since I feel the biggest hole in my life is a partner I can share it with. I have a well paying career with status, I am well educated, I'm not particularly unattractive (a little round on the edges I suppose), and I am generally an upbeat person with a passion for adventure (I know that sounds cliche, but I literally ran away to sea for no other reason than to see what was out there). I've been told by friends that there is no good reason I haven't found someone.

 

I just can't bring myself to approach a random person and ask for a date. Among friends I am an outgoing and confident individual but as soon as I am confronted with a member of the opposite sex who is not in my circle of friends I become completely useless. I break out into a cold sweat and if I am cajoled into trying to make conversation then trust me when I say I don't make much of an impression while I mumble a few words to the floor.

 

My fear is that I've missed the boat. Most of my friends are either married or in serious relationships - some are even starting families. I don't even know where to properly meet people - I have serious doubts I'll meet 'Her' in the pub. It has only gotten worse as the years (years) have worn on. The online experiment only reinforced the terrible disadvantage I am at due to my lack of a decade of dating experience.

 

I suppose I am asking for advice. I see posts on here from women who are concerned that all the men in my age group are either interested in only very young women, are taken, or enjoy the single life. Where are these women?? I can tell you there are some of us shy guys out there who have managed to slip through their 20s and would love nothing more than to find you.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? If you've ever researched approaching women you'll see that there is so much conflicting information and 90% of it seems to be for guys looking to "hook up". How about for a guy looking for a girl to take home to mom and dad?

 

Am I just doomed to be a bachelor the rest of my life?

[meeji]

I don't think you are doomed and I know there are others in your situation.

 

Check out this blog. Search on google for Dr.Nerd Love. I am friends with tons of introverted geeky guys and one of them reads this blog. I enjoy reading it myself. Maybe u can pick up some pointers there.

 

Nowadays, a lot of guys are sluts and dating is pretty much just a game to play. In my opinion, a guy like your would have more to offer than someone who dates around often. Don't worry about.

 

You can only look to the future! Go!

[Yak242]

Thanks for the website and reinforcement, I just read an article - pretty good stuff.

[mortensorchid]

Shy guys are one thing, to be sure. However, you must get over that. Are you shy about doing other things (careerwise? interests? sports? etc.)? Chances are, you're not. Because if you have a rep already as a shy guy, women aren't going to take you very seriously. THe older I get the more I see this is true. They will get one of those "I'm just not that into you" vibes off of you and be as equally withdrawn if you are not being more aggressive with communications and intents.

[todreaminblue]

Hello,

this thread's title is almost true. I did go on one first date arranged online last year and I was totally lost, which is part of why I am posting this.

 

I am approaching 28 and I have never dated anyone or even asked a girl out, with the exception of that one encounter. When I was 19 (almost a decade ago, yikes!) I was in a semi-serious relationship, but even that just sort of happened - she asked me out, completely out of the blue. She also ended it. So is life.

 

Anyway, I essentially never made it onto the dating scene in my 20s. This has bothered me immensely since I feel the biggest hole in my life is a partner I can share it with. I have a well paying career with status, I am well educated, I'm not particularly unattractive (a little round on the edges I suppose), and I am generally an upbeat person with a passion for adventure (I know that sounds cliche, but I literally ran away to sea for no other reason than to see what was out there). I've been told by friends that there is no good reason I haven't found someone.

 

I just can't bring myself to approach a random person and ask for a date. Among friends I am an outgoing and confident individual but as soon as I am confronted with a member of the opposite sex who is not in my circle of friends I become completely useless. I break out into a cold sweat and if I am cajoled into trying to make conversation then trust me when I say I don't make much of an impression while I mumble a few words to the floor.

 

My fear is that I've missed the boat. Most of my friends are either married or in serious relationships - some are even starting families. I don't even know where to properly meet people - I have serious doubts I'll meet 'Her' in the pub. It has only gotten worse as the years (years) have worn on. The online experiment only reinforced the terrible disadvantage I am at due to my lack of a decade of dating experience.

 

I suppose I am asking for advice. I see posts on here from women who are concerned that all the men in my age group are either interested in only very young women, are taken, or enjoy the single life. Where are these women?? I can tell you there are some of us shy guys out there who have managed to slip through their 20s and would love nothing more than to find you.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? If you've ever researched approaching women you'll see that there is so much conflicting information and 90% of it seems to be for guys looking to "hook up". How about for a guy looking for a girl to take home to mom and dad?

 

Am I just doomed to be a bachelor the rest of my life?

 

 

 

You have your act together for a serious girl you that man that women would be attracted to, to date....get to know....and possibly take it further into a relationship

 

 

i agree with the morten poster who said the vibe you give off would quite often be misinterpreted as non interest.....you have to find the mindset that you are worth getting to know......and approach those women who you like....i hope that you do, because you aren't destined to be a bachelor.......you have every right as much as the next guy to find and have a wonderful relationship.......i wish you all the best.....don't give up.....deb

[Yak242]

Shy guys are one thing, to be sure. However, you must get over that. Are you shy about doing other things (careerwise? interests? sports? etc.)? Chances are, you're not. Because if you have a rep already as a shy guy, women aren't going to take you very seriously. THe older I get the more I see this is true. They will get one of those "I'm just not that into you" vibes off of you and be as equally withdrawn if you are not being more aggressive with communications and intents.

 

You've pretty much nailed it. I am quite confident in other settings and also quite ambitious career-wise. I am in a leadership role at work (I am an officer on a merchant ship).

For whatever reason the thought of approaching a potential partner ends up paralyzing me. Whenever the opportunity has arisen I freeze up completely and come across as a piece of wood. I have a hard time making those conversations flow.

It is frustrating because that just doesn't happen to me in other parts of my life. The concern I am having these days is that I am just so inexperienced with the whole process of dating compared to any women my age that I have no chance at connecting with them or meeting their expectations.

 

Also, thanks for the encouraging words Deb.

[pbjbear]

What do you mean by meeting their expectations?

 

Ask a girl out on a date. Have fun and be genuine. If you enjoy it and want another from her, ask for another. And so on. Make sure she is showing some signs of interest though either through body language or what she says.

 

Honestly, alot comes through experience. The more you date the more comfortable you'll be

[Yak242]

The more you date the more comfortable you'll be

 

That's the Catch 22 isn't it? You're right though, it does come down to getting comfortable with the process. Just keep in mind that I've gone all my adult life without being able to take even that first step... hence my dilemma.

But thanks for the advice!

[MikeyBe]

For whatever reason the thought of approaching a potential partner ends up paralyzing me. Whenever the opportunity has arisen I freeze up completely and come across as a piece of wood. I have a hard time making those conversations flow.

You should work on meeting someone, just talking to someone, well before you work on meeting a potential partner. A partner is something you decide on normally after you've dated and gotten to know them first. (people dive in sometimes though) It would take a very confident guy to approach a girl like that and not scare her away.

 

Some tips from someone who also has anxiety problems in dating: If this is how you are, you need to have the courage to be yourself. So for example, if you're freezing up with a girl because you're nervous then tell her so.

 

 

The most important thing is to remember to respect others and not resent them for your own insecurities. Do not expect girls to all want a nice respectable guy to take home to mom and start a family with. Do not hold it against someone if they're not attracted to a nervous, unconfident person. Most people aren't.

 

Of course, if you want to better yourself to be more outgoing then go for it! I just have no advice there... lol.

[Estate]

Hello,

I am approaching 28 and I have never dated anyone or even asked a girl out

 

I think you just answered your own question man. Ask women out.

 

Look, I'm 28 too. I went through spots in my early 20's where I just felt so bad, thought there was something wrong with me, girls didn't like me, something was wrong. But there wasn't. I was just quiet and didn't ask them out and they weren't gonna make the first move.

 

You have a list of reasons which are all just making excuses for yourself!

 

The dating advice online.... is it all just for hookups? NO! Look, if you want to date a girl then you have to talk to them and ask them out first. There is LOADS of resourced for that. If some guys want to use the date as hookup, fine, but you don't have to, be a good guy and get another date with her!

Use the resources which are there for you!

 

But you're jumping ahead of yourself... you want a relationship but haven't even asked a girl out yet! Girls who want relationships don't just walk up to a guy and say "Hey, lets have a relationship"... it starts slow.

 

Where are the girls? EVERYWHERE!!! I mean do you ever look around you outside? Do you find yourself looking at every girl and finding excuses why she's not the right one? STOP! Go talk to her.

 

Just start having conversations with girls. When thats not such a big thing, start asking them out, when that begins to work, get used to dating.

 

See here's the thing. It sounds like you are doing what most guys are doing, looking for that ONE special girl out of millions and you want to walk up to her and marry her. Life is not a disney movie! You have to ask out lots of girls, and date lots of girls!

 

Even if you found that ONE and she was the only girl you've ever dated... do you think you will be the perfect boyfriend? You need experience right now.

 

 

Ask girls out, you don't have to marry them, but you need the experience so the whole thing isn't such a challenge. If she's not the one you marry, it's no big deal... and one of those girls could well end up being that perfect girl and if not, you'll be prepared to approach that perfect girl when she arrives.

 

Seriously man. I don't mean to be harsh but you're making so many excuses. Just do something about it.

 

28 is NOT too late, but don't waste another 4-5-6-7 years and be in your late 30's wondering what if you just DID something when you were 28 to figure this all out.

[Estate]

That's the Catch 22 isn't it? You're right though, it does come down to getting comfortable with the process. Just keep in mind that I've gone all my adult life without being able to take even that first step... hence my dilemma.

But thanks for the advice!

 

Sorry for 2 posts in a row but I needed to reply to this too.

 

No, it's DEFINITELY not a catch 22...

You CAN get dates but are not asking girls out.

 

I'm telling you the 100% truth from my own life. I was there a few years ago. I made a decision to DO something about it. Going on a single date and approaching the girl of my dreams TERRIFIED me.

 

So I went on dates with LOTS of girls. I just asked them. She didn't have to be perfect. If you're not in awe of her anyway, what do you care if she says yes or no. You just need experience of dating. Just ASK GIRLS OUT... it doesn't matter who. If after the date, she hasn't impressed you any further, there's no obligation to take it any further.

 

And to close... The girl I'm dating right now... She wasn't my typical "type". Something about her made me ask her out but she didn't fit the model of what I'd consider "the girl I want".... but I went out with her on a date to get to know her and guess what... she blew me away. We spent 3 hours at a bar for some food/drinks and she was just awesome. And I could have so easily overlooked her.

[lino]

Why is it always blokes starting these types of topics

[Estate]

Why is it always blokes starting these types of topics

 

Fairly simple I'd have thought.

 

Even if a woman is a little shy or keeps to herself, chances are, as long as she's goes out once in a while, she'll still be asked out.

 

Doesn't work as well for guys.