ynohtna Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 my wife and I are heading towards divorce. how the heck do you tell your kids, and what should I expect. kids are 16, 15, 11. do you offer to let the kids decide who they live with?
Balzac Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I would guess that the kids would continue to have liberal access to BOTH parents. I also believe that offering choice places your kids in a loyalty bind. Even at the age of 16, some life decisions are best made by the parents. In two years, your oldest will be departing for college. Kids likely already know. Stick to basic facts about how their daily lives will be affected. Assure them both parents love them and will provide for their needs. Keep the adult issues between you and your stbEx. Do not assign blame. Kids are more resilient than you probably want to accept. Prepare for them to grieve. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I don't agree with everything they say, but I recommend doing some reading on the subject. "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" was the book I turned to (longest name ever). Age matters a lot for almost every part of what you say/do. You'll probably need to be pretty transparent with the 16 year old..but I should shut up on that. I told a 9 yr old so that's all I have experience with. Work out what you are going to say with your spouse beforehand!
worldgonewrong Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 I would say, too: if she's dumping you, then the onus is on her to tell. if you're dumping her, then the onus is on you to tell.
standtall Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Assure them both parents love them and will provide for their needs. Keep the adult issues between you and your stbEx. Do not assign blame. Amen to that..couldn't have said it better. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I would say, too: if she's dumping you, then the onus is on her to tell. if you're dumping her, then the onus is on you to tell. My ex and I did it together. We worked out what each person was going to say ahead of time. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Both you and your wife be fair, put the kids first - Shared custody, plus visits from other parent as much as possible to help with the adjustments. I suggest you and your wife go talk to a marriage counselor to figure out a good way to tell the kids and then all of you go for family counseling to help with all the changes.. Do you and your wife fight? Are things bad at home? If so, then the kids won't be shocked..Of course they'll be sad and it'll be a tough time for a while but if you two put the kids first always, get along as co parents, they can be happy in two households..
worldgonewrong Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 My ex and I did it together. We worked out what each person was going to say ahead of time. I wish that had been what happened with us. My wife was a coward, clammed up, and it was on ME. A terrible, terrible day in my memory.
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