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Guys, what can your ex do to speed up your "recovery" process?

Aimee3789

By Aimee3789
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Aimee3789 New Member

Aimee3789

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This is probably a bit different than most posts, but I'm wondering if I could get some opinions from guys (and girls) over what they would have liked their exes to do, to make it easier to move on.

 

The Background:

-Last month, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years (I'm 25, he's 30. We didn't live together.) There's absolutely no ill-will (on my part, anyway) at all...we just were growing apart, and I no longer felt any attraction towards him or chemistry between us. I like being busy, active, and productive (masters student with a heavier-than-recommended course load, 2 jobs of which one is in my preferred professional field, swim 4x a week, volunteer...) while he's a masters student with a reduced course load, no job (he's only worked 3 out of the last 10 years) no interest in community involvement or physical activity, and a love of TV.

 

-I'm clearly aware it's a shallow reason for leaving someone, but I figured it wasn't really fair (for either of us) for me to stay with someone to whom I am not attracted (mentally or physically) and frankly, who I'm not proud to say is my boyfriend. When I'd picture our future, I'd get a vision of me being the primary breadwinner, primary childcaregiver, and primary housekeeper...all while he watches TV.

 

The Breakup, Pt. 1:

I framed it along the lines that we no longer had chemistry, that I needed to "grow up" on my own, and then cited a few reasons as to why we probably wouldn't be long-term comptatible (we'd both like to live in different areas of the country; he wants children while I'm undecided.) He was upset but accepting; however, he was even more upset by my "lack of emotion" and tried to bait me into a fight (which didn't work, it's hard to anger me.) I let him say a few mean things to me for about 15 minutes, then left.

 

The Breakup, Pt. 2:

We didn't establish whether or not we'd stay friends - I figured that the "dumpee" gets to choose. That week, we texted back and forth about mundane things a bit. The next weekend, he got drunk and called me at 2am, saying he was "coming to get me" on my answering machine (I woke up right when the phone stopped ringing - I have my phone on low volume at night.) I ignored it. He then talked his way into my apartment and knocked on my door while calling me repetatively and leaving me threats on my answering machine (I didn't pick up or answer the door, as I was home alone. He's never been abusive, but drunk+angry isn't the best combination.) The next morning, he sent me an extensive apology; I accepted it, but reminded him that threats violence against women isn't nice and as such, that I'd only be comfortable hanging out with him in a group for the time being. He was sad but accepting of it.

 

The Breakup, Pt. 3:

For the next few weeks he'd text me intermittantly, either telling me/asking for advice about women he's trying to pick up, or saying that I hurt him so badly and we can't be friends. For the former, I'd give responses like I would for any other friend (he may have been trying to make me jealous, but I'm not naturally a jealous person at all, plus I'm over him) and for the latter I'd tell him I understand why he's angry and wish him the best with the rest of his life. This always makes him angrier - he responds by asking why I'm so unemotional about it, and tries to goad me into fighting with him. Again, I don't like fighting, so I let him have his say, apologize, and wish him the best.

 

The Question:

Right now he's in the "we can't be friends" phase, but what do I do if he comes back? Is there anything I can do to help him get over me faster or easier? (I feel bad, since this breakup is way harder on him.) Maybe I should "fight" with him, it would give him closure? Or should I just start ignoring him? (I've already distanced myself from mutual friends, since I have more non-mutual friends than he does.) What would you want your ex to do, if you're trying to get over her?

 

Thanks!

Edited by Aimee3789
Balzac Established Member

Balzac

Posted
Posted

You surely are an intelligent woman, masters candidate, been reading here.

Refrain from any contact w him. Do not attempt a friendship.

Move forward with your life. He has to do his own healing.

 

Staging an argument is just one more excuse for contact and feeding the drama.

ItxWillxGetxBetter Established Member

ItxWillxGetxBetter

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Im not sure about everyone else but my suggestion is just to ignore him. Cut ties with him. If you want I would have one last discussion with him and let him know that you are going to cut ties with him because its for the best. Sometimes the coldest thing to do is the kindest thing. Hes just seeking attention from you any chance he gets and the more you give him attention the more you "green light" him to do more. He's trying to evoke some emotional response from you. My ex and I broke up and she texts me every now and then about logistical issues. I never text her because I just don't want the contact. I think the best thing she could have done for me is just to ignore me and leave me be. I do not reach out to her and I always feel like when she reaches out to me it sets me back. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

suladas Established Member

suladas

Posted
Posted

Don't make first contact with him. If he makes first contact, I would stomp ANY hope of getting back together instead of ignoring him. It may seem a bit harsh but IMO it's better then ignoring. Being firm and making sure he knows it's over for good is the best. He might try to be friends at this point but it's too soon, and likely the reasons for it will be a way to try and win you back. If he keeps contacting after you tell him it's over for good, then ignoring is the way to go. Also don't keep a conversation going, just be short and to the point.

 

Speaking as someone who was ignored after a BU, ignoring is very frusterating. Just saying what you mean is much better.

Gottabestrong Established Member

Gottabestrong

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Hi Aimee,

I think it is really considerate of you to think about how to make the breakup easier for your ex and post on this forum to get advice.

 

I understand why your ex gets upset about you being so cold and unemotional. If he is like me, it must hurt him to think that you just don't care about him anymore and especially to think that your feelings changed over night.

 

If he keeps contacting you, I would offer him one last email or phonecall (whatever you are more comfortable with) and tell him that you have not been happy in the relationship for a while and reiterate your reasons for the breakup. Also tell him that you don't think that you will ever want to get back together. You are sorry this hurts him, but you think it is best if you go your separate ways and not talk for a while. Also tell him that you still care about him as a friend, but not more than that and you are sorry this breakup is hurting him. Then disappear and don't contact him anymore. Which I think you are already doing anyway.

 

Finally, in case he keeps on contacting you, I would set up a little phrase like 'I am sorry you are hurting, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore' and send that to him every time he contacts you. In time he will hopefully stop. Or just ignore his messages if you are strong enough to do that.

 

I wish you the best!

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
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really? okay....

 

you want him to heal and get over this? Text him a link to come here and have him read your description on how you really feel about the guy. That would get me to to stop calling you if you felt that I was a loser that wasn't going anywhere in life except on the couch watching tv. That you found me emotionally and physically unattractive. That your description of me was with no emotion and sterile. To hear you say that you weren't proud of me or anything that I do. That I was an embarrassment to you. Beneath you.

 

So, send him here and have him read what you wrote. That should do it. He may end up hating you. But, at least he'll leave you alone so you can pursue the other guy that I speculate that you've already have your eye on that is more suited for your current "station" in life if you haven't started already. And don't Bullsh*t a bullsh*tter stating that there isn't anyone else that you're interested in or have started to see.

 

I read through your post and NEVER ONCE did you take any blame or responsibillity for the demise of your 5 year relationship. Not one sentence. You're putting the blame squarely on his shoulders; thus, giving yourself permission not to feel bad about this and running off with someone else. I've seen it a thousand times.....

 

So, my advice..... Send him here and have him read your post on how pathetic you think he really is. he'll stop bothering you after that....

  • Like 2
suladas Established Member

suladas

Posted
Posted
really? okay....

 

you want him to heal and get over this? Text him a link to come here and have him read your description on how you really feel about the guy. That would get me to to stop calling you if you felt that I was a loser that wasn't going anywhere in life except on the couch watching tv. That you found me emotionally and physically unattractive. That your description of me was with no emotion and sterile. To hear you say that you weren't proud of me or anything that I do. That I was an embarrassment to you. Beneath you.

 

So, send him here and have him read what you wrote. That should do it. He may end up hating you. But, at least he'll leave you alone so you can pursue the other guy that I speculate that you've already have your eye on that is more suited for your current "station" in life if you haven't started already. And don't Bullsh*t a bullsh*tter stating that there isn't anyone else that you're interested in or have started to see.

 

I read through your post and NEVER ONCE did you take any blame or responsibillity for the demise of your 5 year relationship. Not one sentence. You're putting the blame squarely on his shoulders; thus, giving yourself permission not to feel bad about this and running off with someone else. I've seen it a thousand times.....

 

So, my advice..... Send him here and have him read your post on how pathetic you think he really is. he'll stop bothering you after that....

 

Someones mad about something :laugh:

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Aimee3789 New Member

Aimee3789

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Thanks all!

 

No contact IS probably what's best (of course I wouldn't just ignore, I'd state that I'm initiating no contact) ...I just feel that if I were in that situation, I'd be more upset over losing the person as a friend than losing the person as a partner. But I'm weird.

 

@Chi townD: I'm not sure where you got the "new love interest" from, as I most definitely don't have one of those, and frankly right now I don't have the time to go out and find one. You're right, though, in that I didn't take any blame for the relationship failure - since I was the one who broke up with him, it's not relevant to the post. I'm certain he could list 101 ways why I was a bad girlfriend; to start off the list, I'm cold, calculating, elitist, boring (in that I don't like the club scene,) and a workaholic. I'm sure there are others.

Love Bytes Established Member

Love Bytes

Posted
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Good for you for trying to help, but to be honest...if your post is truthful, he doesn't really deserve it anyway. Still...regardless of the reason, breakups are hard, and it's nice to see someone put that much thought Into helping the other person.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Someones mad about something :laugh:

 

Meh, she just got me triggering.

 

@Aimee, look, you can think that I'm bitter, but when you really look at what I wrote, I just reiterated EXACTLY what you wrote. On how you feel about the guy you dumped and if you're offended by what I wrote...well, you wrote it first. I just simplified it. And as far as your part in the demise of the relationship not being relevant in your post; well, it is relevant. It's called owning up to your own sh*t. And you still haven't. In your follow up post, you stated that HE could list 101 different ways HE could have thought you were a bad girlfriend. Apparently not your opinion.

 

And the possible "new love interest" as I stated was speculation. But, I'm still not convinced that you don't have your eye on someone else. Sorry, just my opinion.

 

SO, I still stand by my advice....let him read what you wrote. He'll leave you alone.

jwhite Established Member

jwhite

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Going No Contact is the only way right now to avoid hurting him even more. It is NOT about closure, you wont be able to give him that as it comes from within. I know you are in pain too, BUT you have to deal with it too. Wishing it away faster is not healthy for you.

 

Block his number, deactive YOUR FB for a little while and do not answer the door.

 

I too belive that there is another reason behind the lines that invoked this BU. Sounds like there is another interest. I know it is not good to mention it on here, but I believe that there is a The Break Up .5.

 

You are not proud of him?...geeze

 

"I've already distanced myself from mutual friends, since I have more non-mutual friends than he does."---What was the reasoning for this statement?

 

OBVIOUSLY, you are better than him.....GIGS for sure

 

Do him a favor and go NC. He could never compare to you

Edited by jwhite
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Aimee3789 New Member

Aimee3789

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Chi townD, I apologize if anything I wrote was triggering for you. That was certainly not my intention, and I do hope that I didn't make your day or your situation any worse. I'm not offended by your summary - you are completely correct in it, other than the new "love interest" part. If you'd like me to make a list as to why I think I'm a bad girlfriend, here goes:

1) I'm too independent, I don't show others that I "need" them.

2) I'm unemotional, I rarely have "deep feelings" about...anything.

3) I put career before relationship in a heartbeat.

4) I give many compliments, but I'm not physically nurturing (hate cuddling.)

5) I'm elitist - I judge people who aren't workaholics and people in their 20's who are financially dependent on their parents.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Guys, what can your ex do to speed up your "recovery" process?

 

Moving a new boyfriend into one of our former marital homes before we were divorced greatly speeded up my recovery process :)

jwhite Established Member

jwhite

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Moving a new boyfriend into one of our former marital homes before we were divorced greatly speeded up my recovery process :)

 

Nice. 29,000+ posts and what have we learned? Rebounds are great! Please.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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Chi townD, I apologize if anything I wrote was triggering for you. That was certainly not my intention, and I do hope that I didn't make your day or your situation any worse. I'm not offended by your summary - you are completely correct in it, other than the new "love interest" part. If you'd like me to make a list as to why I think I'm a bad girlfriend, here goes:

1) I'm too independent, I don't show others that I "need" them.

2) I'm unemotional, I rarely have "deep feelings" about...anything.

3) I put career before relationship in a heartbeat.

4) I give many compliments, but I'm not physically nurturing (hate cuddling.)

5) I'm elitist - I judge people who aren't workaholics and people in their 20's who are financially dependent on their parents.

 

chi isn't saying you didn't list why YOU are a bad gf, he's inferring that your ex likely has a list, just the same as you've listed why your ex was a bad BF.

 

also you almost sound like an Aquarian.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, my triggering had nothing to do with you not owning up to your own responsibilities to the breakdown of the relationship (so, the list was unnecessary, I just wanted to prove a point) and my triggering had nothing to do with you breaking up with the guy. If it isn't there, then it isn't there. But what got me triggering was your description of your Ex. Because, at that moment you became MY Ex from so many years ago. Here's a brief summary of what happened to me and why I triggered.

 

My Ex DID cheat on me and when I confronted her, she said that I was a loser that wasn't going anywhere in life; never going to college and I was going to be stuck working dead end jobs. She was going with someone that had a future.....but, the thing was...she was right. Not right for cheating on me, but I had no motivation and was happy with coasting through life. Well, I wanted to prove her wrong. I DID get into college and a lot of it. I didn't stop until I got my PhD. I started my career and was successful at it. And my life is great now.

 

So, what got me to trigger was how you devalued the guy. Because, in my opinion, he has self worth! Perhaps he's needing some motivation, but I'm sure he's got his head on straight if he's in grad school. So, not everyone on the planet is as driven as you are. Obviously, the guy has good qualities or else you wouldn't have dated him in the first place. You just never conveyed those qualities in any of your posts. So, you think he maybe coasting through school or whatever....but at least he's doing it, just not in the fashion that you like.Everyone is capable of doing great things. Sometimes it takes us a while to find the footing to take that first step. And sometimes people work hard for a career and it may not be the most prestigious career in the world, but they're happy. For instance, I know a couple that are married and are friends of mine. She's a surgeon and he teaches grade school. Obviously, big difference in responsibilites and salaries, but they leave work at work and they enjoy each other. She's proud to have her arm in his at a black tie fundraiser event for the hospital and JUST as proud to help him out with the 5th grade school play. And they're so happy together regardless of what their occupation in life is. Your reasoning sounds like she should be with a follow surgeon because she deserves nothing less than a person that put in the same amount of time and effort.

 

SO, if you broke up with the guy because it's just not there. Okay....then it is what it is. But, the guy does have value even if you don't see it yet.

Edited by Chi townD
  • Like 1
CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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I read this post.... and its a good breakup... dont see why the attacks are coming from besides projecting others issues onto her

 

Everyone paints their ex black in a breakup both dumpers and dumpees. It happens.

 

I dont disagree with her point of views on things and the way she sees things are similiar to the way I do.

 

As for the best way to speed recovery process.... just leave him alone and ignore him.... its going to suck for both of you.... you will figure things out down the road

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

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Okay, my triggering had nothing to do with you not owning up to your own responsibilities to the breakdown of the relationship (so, the list was unnecessary, I just wanted to prove a point) and my triggering had nothing to do with you breaking up with the guy. If it isn't there, then it isn't there. But what got me triggering was your description of your Ex. Because, at that moment you became MY Ex from so many years ago. Here's a brief summary of what happened to me and why I triggered.

 

My Ex DID cheat on me and when I confronted her, she said that I was a loser that wasn't going anywhere in life; never going to college and I was going to be stuck working dead end jobs. She was going with someone that had a future.....but, the thing was...she was right. Not right for cheating on me, but I had no motivation and was happy with coasting through life. Well, I wanted to prove her wrong. I DID get into college and a lot of it. I didn't stop until I got my PhD. I started my career and was successful at it. And my life is great now.

 

So, what got me to trigger was how you devalued the guy. Because, in my opinion, he has self worth! Perhaps he's needing some motivation, but I'm sure he's got his head on straight if he's in grad school. So, not everyone on the planet is as driven as you are. Obviously, the guy has good qualities or else you wouldn't have dated him in the first place. You just never conveyed those qualities in any of your posts. So, you think he maybe coasting through school or whatever....but at least he's doing it, just not in the fashion that you like.Everyone is capable of doing great things. Sometimes it takes us a while to find the footing to take that first step. And sometimes people work hard for a career and it may not be the most prestigious career in the world, but they're happy. For instance, I know a couple that are married and are friends of mine. She's a surgeon and he teaches grade school. Obviously, big difference in responsibilites and salaries, but they leave work at work and they enjoy each other. She's proud to have her arm in his at a black tie fundraiser event for the hospital and JUST as proud to help him out with the 5th grade school play. And they're so happy together regardless of what their occupation is life is. Your reasoning sounds like she should be with a follow surgeon because she deserves nothing less than a person that put in the same amount of time and effort.

 

SO, if you broke up with the guy because it's just not there. Okay....then it is what it is. But, the guy does have value even if you don't see it yet.

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Aimee3789 New Member

Aimee3789

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@Flitzanu - just a few days away from being an Aquarius, actually (didn't astronomical signs change recently? Maybe I am an Aquarius now.)

 

@Chi townD, I'm sorry about your ex didand that my story was a trigger. (Congratulations on the PhD!) And you're right, I did come across as devaluing my ex; I was cranky, and trying to make my story concice. He's certainly a valuable person in many ways - he's genuinely a good person, and from an academic standpoint he's considerably more intelligent than I am. He does have motivation, he just has his heart set on working in only one field (that's small, and tricky to get into) and refuses to apply for anything else.

 

Regarding your friends, I'd have no problem dating a teacher if I were a surgeon... if the teacher was highly motivated, dedicated to his job, and a bit of a workaholic (lots of good teachers work more than executives.) I wouldn't even mind dating someone who earned minimum wage, but put in very long hours and was determined to be the best in his field. I don't think I could date another surgeon if he only did locum work occasionally, and spent the rest of his time indoors reading or watching tv. And I could certainly never date a trust fund kid who came from the richest family in the country but had no plans to get a career.

 

All of this probably stems from the environment in which I grew up - in my high school, it was normal for 15-year-olds to work full-time hours in addition to high school; some even lived on their own. I also had a mother who *constantly* complained about my dad's career (prestige and salary) - I imagine I have some "triggers" and worldview issues/resentment issues of my own in this area that need to be worked through.

 

@Cpt: thank you :) though I do see their point...I come across as a golddigger and elitist, and in some ways I am.

robaday Established Member

robaday

Posted
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If theres no chemistry, not much point! But 5 years - thats a long long time! couldnt you have tried new things in bed? Also, you must have seen something in him if you were with him that long. Its funny my ex hated the fact I was still clubbing into my late twenties, and still living seperately. But thats part of reason she fell for me in first place!

 

Anyways though - sounds like youve handled it as nicely as possible. Guessing the texts in the week following (prior to him getting drunk) might have given him the wrong idea that things were fine, it was ok to keep in touch etc etc. And I have had ex's whove broken up and come back for booty calls, just like I have done to them...so he might have just got the wrong idea!!

 

Id maybe say we both need proper space for a period (say 3-5 months) then reconnect as friends. That way all these emotions will have subsided, you can show him you care, but give him the opportunity to move on.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
chi isn't saying you didn't list why YOU are a bad gf, he's inferring that your ex likely has a list, just the same as you've listed why your ex was a bad BF.

 

also you almost sound like an Aquarian.

 

Sounds more Virgo to me.

 

But yeah there's no need for any more to be said. NC. That's the kindest thing you can do for him right now. Any contact at this point is hope. You don't want to give him hope.

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