did she just go insane???

[BetrayedH]

The poly should be an ultimatum. "I have scheduled the polygraph for xx date so that you have an opportunity to prove to me that your sex with OM was rape. If you refuse to take the test, I will be filing for divorce because I do not believe your story; you have told me too many lies. Take this opportunity to prove that you can be trusted or face divorce because of your actions."

 

She'll confess on the way there when she finally can't find a way to avoid the confession.

 

And yes, I would talk to the OM again. Tell him she is claiming rape and see if he comes up with proof that it wasn't (like amicable text messages they sent each other afterwards).

 

And yes, you need a paternity test.

 

Come back here when you have done these things.

[road]

Almost positive she is mine. Has pointed elf ears like me, innie nips like me and a lot of my facial features that I'm not "just wanting to see". And yes I have suggested a polygraph and she refuses. Her argument is they are not totally accurate especially under extreme stress. I know she's afraid of those results.

 

Tell your WW that those that have nothing to hide hide nothing. Get the DNA test done and schedule the poly test then tell WW the date for the poly test.

 

She has lied, she is still lying, she will never stop lying till you man up.

[aed]

Tell your WW that those that have nothing to hide hide nothing. Get the DNA test done and schedule the poly test then tell WW the date for the poly test.

 

She has lied, she is still lying, she will never stop lying till you man up.

 

This you need to show some balls!

[flightysue]

Ok I know ill probably get burned alive for still trying to reconcile with my wife after all you guys know from my other thread but I so desperately want to make it work and get better. When the affair was going on she was literally like a different person in every aspect of her personality. I know this is fairly common due to "affair fog" but now that its been over a year later she acts and says she is very sorry and remorseful. She still is saying he forced himself on her for the actual sex but she owns the EA completely. In just the past few weeks her and I have made great progress. And have been talking calmly and extremely openly. More than we EVER have.

BUT

She can't remember several HUGE details from that time frame. It's like her mind blocked them out. She says that she's sorry and that she doesn't know why she can't remember doing some of these things and I'm like "how the hell couldn't you remember that?!?"

She said its like it happened to someone else and that its like she was watching it happen to someone else but it was her.These details make it impossible for me to believe she said no to the actual act and I've told her that. These details are as follows and are post d-day but shortly after.

 

1. She told me he was big downstairs.(not something you say about someone that forced themselves on you).

2. We drove by a skate park that they had hung out with a few friends at and she started crying saying that she missed him.(also not what you'd say about someone who did that to you)

3.she told me that she wasn't sure who or what she wanted.(why would she want him if he did that to her?)

4. She had him back over to my house while I was at work over $80 effing dollars. Then when I called her on break and discovered that he was at my house I told her to get him the F__k out of my house she said they were just talking about everything. (why would she bring him back like a week later) she said if your gonna act like this then I can just go with him! (again WTF?)

5. She wanted to do an experiment....she has always hated porn and said it was the same as cheating. She made me go to a porn site and wanted me to watch it to see if it hurt her still and when I did she started cryi and said that she should be bothered by it but she simply wasn't...

She claims she can't remember any of these events accept him coming to the house and she doesn't remember telling me that...

 

So is she freaking crazy or what???

We have made so much progress lately but what about all this???

 

Sounds like she has selective memory...watch out!

[2sunny]

Almost positive she is mine. Has pointed elf ears like me, innie nips like me and a lot of my facial features that I'm not "just wanting to see". And yes I have suggested a polygraph and she refuses. Her argument is they are not totally accurate especially under extreme stress. I know she's afraid of those results.

 

ASKING for a polygraph isn't what others suggested - of course she's gonna say no!

 

DEMAND that she take the polygraph or YOU are divorcing her immediately.

 

If/since she's not being willing to offer up ALL of her truth - there's no basis for your M: no trust she earned, no respect and no boundary to have things be decent between you two.

 

She does it to find truth or it ends...those are her choices.

[turnera]

I told her she has to go to IC also to figure out what happened in her brain and why she cheated and why she...."can't remember".

And what did she say when you told her that?

[turnera]

Almost positive she is mine. Has pointed elf ears like me, innie nips like me and a lot of my facial features that I'm not "just wanting to see". And yes I have suggested a polygraph and she refuses. Her argument is they are not totally accurate especially under extreme stress. I know she's afraid of those results.

Collector, this is incongruous with this:

I have been in counseling and I'm getting to where I need to be wether my wife likes it or not cause I AM NOT OK and I know it. She can accept it and my new way of treating her or she can hit the door!

 

Which is it?

 

Are you running the show now or not?

[nofool4u]

She can't remember several HUGE details from that time frame.

 

 

Yes, she can remember. She is just too chickens**t to tell the truth.

 

 

It's like her mind blocked them out.

 

No, it didn't.

 

 

She said its like it happened to someone else and that its like she was watching it happen to someone else but it was her.

 

I hope you aren't buying that load of crap. Basically she is trying to get you to believe that wasn't her that spread her legs for another man. She wants you to believe she was under some sort of spell and that she had no control over what she was doing. She is an innocent victim of....something, don't know what, but something.

 

 

 

1. She told me he was big downstairs.(not something you say about someone that forced themselves on you).

2. We drove by a skate park that they had hung out with a few friends at and she started crying saying that she missed him.

 

You should have pulled over, told her to get out and walk home right then and there and have her things waiting for her when she got there.

 

 

5. She wanted to do an experiment....she has always hated porn and said it was the same as cheating. She made me go to a porn site and wanted me to watch it to see if it hurt her still and when I did she started cryi and said that she should be bothered by it but she simply wasn't...

 

I'd say in addition to her cheating, saying she misses him, having him in your f'ing house, you now have another reason you should want to get rid of her...she a f'ing nutjob.

 

 

So is she freaking crazy or what???

 

See my last comment. But she isn't crazy because she can't remember details, because trust me, she remembers. Not only does she remember, she is thinking fondly about those details.

[turnera]

she isn't crazy because she can't remember details, because trust me, she remembers. Not only does she remember, she is thinking fondly about those details.

Exactly.

 

And when she said she missed him, I'm guessing you said...not a word.

[TheCollector]

Are you getting all this supposed 'validation' that this is your kid from an ultra-sound image????? Seriously????

 

Jesus.

 

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

 

No no no, she is 5 months old now almost 6. Born in june. These aren't things I just want to see. They are fairly obvious. But I am not closed to the idea of paternity testing and it is probably gonna happen soon.

[TheCollector]

I am not usually a big proponent of the Polygraph, because folks want it to answer all there questions and it can't. It was never designed for that situation. However, in a limited scope, it is 98% accurate and even higher in your case. The question of whether they had sex is not a debate, but it will tell you if it was rape. This is an important question, because if it is true, your wife needs to be receiving counselling this issue for her own health. Like you, I have doubts as to the validity of her story, but the Poly would put that to rest. A DNA test will answer that question hands down.

 

As for her concerns with the Poly, is not really well founded. In the 2% category, it will more often show inconclusive than an actual false reading. This is 1% or less, depending on who's figures you read. The examiner is a big factor in this percentage as well. I recommend that you consult with an examiner and then take your wife to just talk to him. Part of the exam is to estimate their nervousness to all questions, as compared to specific questions. This washes out general nervousness to the exam and allows them to concentrate on specific questions. The also ask this question multiple ways to ensure the response is the same every time.

 

While the results of these tests will provide you with evidence, what you do with this information is up to you. Do not let anyone tell you that you HAVE to do something based on these results. That is up to you exclusively. Posters, even those that seem on the edge are intending to save you from the pain they have gone through. Still every situation is different and what I may be able to forgive, may not be true for someone else. You are the one that is putting themselves out there and will receive the pain if you are wrong, so that is strictly your call.

 

My research shows that polygraphs are 87% accurate. I am becoming more and more obsessed with the poly idea and I am seriously considering doing the ultimatum idea. In my area the closest polygraph business actually has the former head of the FBI liar detector division! Been on court tv/true tv a bunch too or court cases. So if I go this route that's good. I think ill tell her "i don't believe your story so you have 3 options 1. Tell me everything now and let me make my decision. 2. Take the poly to prove your innocence...in a way at least.3. Refuse, sign papers and walk.

[2sunny]

The hole in your option #1 is that she will only tell you what truth she wants you to know.

 

#1 should not be her option NOW - she's HAD that option and CHOSE to twist HER truth.

 

 

She's not going to tell you while she has that option to lie.

 

I see BIG problems with her being hurtful to YOU! She told you he's big - THAT is completely MEAN! She cried while driving by the skate park - that means SHE is STILL MISSING HIM! She invited HIM OVER when YOU weren't home! THAT isn't a woman who was raped! THAT is a woman that's STILL trying to find ALONE time with her lover so she can have sex with him!

 

Why aren't YOU MAD? MAD ENOUGH to throw her out to find a way for herself!

 

She's not trying to earn your trust back by offering COMPLETE truth - she's still protecting herself AND willing to hurt you by doing that!

 

She's a cheater and a blatant liar! Is that who you intend to be married to? Because that's who she is!

[TheCollector]

You are very right sunny. And I am still mad over all these things. All these things happened over a year ago when the affair was just recently found out and I have been stewing on them this whole time....I don't really know why... Foolish of me and I literally loathe myself sometimes right now.

I think ill take your advice and cut option 1. And god if you only knew how hurtful and cruel she was during the affair.... She literally enjoyed my pain at that time...but now cries over it and says she wanted me to fight for her cause she felt I didn't need her anymore.....how crazy right? All it did was push me further away..

[turnera]

My research shows that polygraphs are 87% accurate. I am becoming more and more obsessed with the poly idea and I am seriously considering doing the ultimatum idea. In my area the closest polygraph business actually has the former head of the FBI liar detector division! Been on court tv/true tv a bunch too or court cases. So if I go this route that's good. I think ill tell her "i don't believe your story so you have 3 options 1. Tell me everything now and let me make my decision. 2. Take the poly to prove your innocence...in a way at least.3. Refuse, sign papers and walk.

#1 doesn't do ANY good as it still gives her complete control - to lie.

 

You still talk like a beta male - I'm close! I'm gonna! This time I will! I'm almost ready! I'm seriously considering!

 

All the 'brave' talk of a man afraid she will just call your bluff and leave you.

 

You will never have peace until you can LET her leave you. Once you're ok with that, once you realize you WILL survive without her, you regain the control and the peace and the attractiveness.

[jnj express]

Why are you coddling your wife at all, about anything----an R, such as this, is played by your rules, it is your ballgame, and unless you were to be abusive, in your demands-----she gets no say

 

She is spose to be doing ALL the HEAVY LIFTING, to get back in the mge---if you say jump, she says how high

 

As to poly---call your local police station, they will give you the best operaters, and as you say demand she take the poly---otherwise tell her D., is on the table

 

She ain't gonna survive a D., very well, trying to look after a young child, and still having to work, as that is what she will have to do--------you are in position, to do what is good/necessary for you to have a better life---DO SO

 

Why would you need to speak to her lover---who cares what he has to say---your beef is with your wife---and any and all info---NEEDS TO COME FROM YOUR WIFE

[Bryanp]

You must stop and think: Why would you love a person who humiliates, disrespects, degrades and enjoys your pain that she inflicts? You would have to be a masochist to love someone like this. Enough is enough! If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

She ain't gonna survive a D., very well, trying to look after a young child, and still having to work, as that is what she will have to do--------you are in position, to do what is good/necessary for you to have a better life---DO SO

 

 

I'm not one to talk about cutting lose a WS but in this case I think it is clear you have little choice. You might get her to confess the whole (I suspect very ugly truth, worse than you imagine) and still say she wants to stay with you. B/c as JNJ says her options are bleak if you dump her. But then she will be only staying b/c you are her best option, at the moment. SHe will be staying b/c she is trapped. Not staying out of love or commitment. Trapped. She will be miserable and make you miserable. She will feel it is her right to cheat on you again if she thinks she can get away with it. She will jump ship for good as soon as she has the chance. She may not want to be "set free" right now but that is probably the best thing for you.

[nofool4u]

You are very right sunny. And I am still mad over all these things. All these things happened over a year ago when the affair was just recently found out and I have been stewing on them this whole time....I don't really know why... Foolish of me and I literally loathe myself sometimes right now.

I think ill take your advice and cut option 1. And god if you only knew how hurtful and cruel she was during the affair.... She literally enjoyed my pain at that time...but now cries over it and says she wanted me to fight for her cause she felt I didn't need her anymore.....how crazy right? All it did was push me further away..

 

My god, why haven't you filed for divorce from this b!tch?

[GLDheart]

I get it. You want it to be all better. 90% of us that found our way here to this forum wish there was some magic reset button... To undo the betrayal, the lies, the sex, the disrespect, the family devastation....

 

... But what's done is done. SHE CAN'T "JUST FORGET IT ALL AWAY". You are afraid of holding her to the consequences... And rightly so. The pain is not done coming. You still have to face divorce, child custody, support, arguments over all kinds of craziness, and watching each other move on with other partners.

 

It's no joke. But ask yourself, are you staying out of fear? Sometimes you need to go through hell to get to heaven. Stop letting this BS continue. SHE helped herself to "what she needed" (without a thought for your wellbeing). Start taking care of YOU and that baby. Living with a lying cheating whore will KEEP YOU AND BY RESULT, THAT CHILD, IN HELL.

 

So as scary as change is, it can be just what is needed for your wife to grow up. It can bring a good woman to you. It can let you show your child what a loving relationship can look like. It can allow you to make room for happiness.

 

I hope for the best for you. Our situations are not that different :-)

[TheCollector]

Thank thank thanks to all of you for all your helpful advice!

Yes I am taking this bull by the horns....now at least. I regret how I've let her be in the past and I don't care what happens now. I've got to get better and feel better. I've never been like this in a relationship before I just have been so gradually beat down by her and I didn't even realize it till now. Your all right, I am going to demand the poly and DNA. Or she gets divorce. No crap talk! I'm going to tell her this weekend.

[2sunny]

Thank thank thanks to all of you for all your helpful advice!

Yes I am taking this bull by the horns....now at least. I regret how I've let her be in the past and I don't care what happens now. I've got to get better and feel better. I've never been like this in a relationship before I just have been so gradually beat down by her and I didn't even realize it till now. Your all right, I am going to demand the poly and DNA. Or she gets divorce. No crap talk! I'm going to tell her this weekend.

 

This weekend? Why not NOW?

 

What reason could be good for any delay in finding truth? You've wondered LING ENOUGH!

 

Call now and schedule a poly - only thing she needs to know is the place and time you expect her to show up! Give her no options! IF she has ANY excuse not to go - divorce her!

 

Consider the polygraph an early Xmas gift to yourself!

 

Be ready, because when she won't go - you need to have a plan for her to leave immediately. That may mean packing a bag for her and paying for her to stay at a nearby motel/hotel.

[TheCollector]

And what did she say when you told her that?

 

She was simply speechless! I said you need to go and figure why exactly you did this. You need to figure out what is lacking in your life and why its holding you back.....that was about 3 days ago now and now she says she thinks that going to MC and IC at the same time is too much and that she will go after our MC. I said no it goes in conjunction to be most effective. And she is SUPER scared by therapy. She says it hurts her feelings that I have to go to someone else to feel better. That I can't confide in her and that she can't comfort me. I tell her therapy is why I've been so open lately and that it can do nothing but help but right now finding the truth is my #1 priority....I know she's not gonna like this lol but its GOT to happen.

[TheCollector]

This weekend? Why not NOW?

 

What reason could be good for any delay in finding truth? You've wondered LING ENOUGH!

 

Call now and schedule a poly - only thing she needs to know is the place and time you expect her to show up! Give her no options! IF she has ANY excuse not to go - divorce her!

 

Consider the polygraph an early Xmas gift to yourself!

 

Be ready, because when she won't go - you need to have a plan for her to leave immediately. That may mean packing a bag for her and paying for her to stay at a nearby motel/hotel.

 

I'm at work or I would do it now. Should I tell her I'm calling to schedule it Monday no matter what or should I just not say anything until I schedule it Monday?

[2sunny]

I'm at work or I would do it now. Should I tell her I'm calling to schedule it Monday no matter what or should I just not say anything until I schedule it Monday?

 

I'd call and schedule it to happen tomorrow! What makes you think this is only a weekday task? Call now and find out! Be prepared - get the soonest appt! Start doing your homework by BEING 3 steps ahead of her instead of feeling like you're at the mercy of her reactions!

 

Take charge! No more options for the cheater!

Edited December 8, 2012 by 2sunny

[turnera]

now she says she thinks that going to MC and IC at the same time is too much and that she will go after our MC. I said no it goes in conjunction to be most effective. And she is SUPER scared by therapy. She says it hurts her feelings that I have to go to someone else to feel better. That I can't confide in her and that she can't comfort me.

Please don't let her guide this. She's the kind who runs. Don't let this be your life. KNOW that you can leave her at any time and you will survive, just fine. Ok? SHE screwed up, and if she wants to GET to keep you, she should be doing what you want and she should SHUT UP.