sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Hi, I am new this forum but felt like it was time to join one! I am sorry this is going to be so long, but I need a huge venting session and some serious advice. I have been trying to find people that are in my similar situation, but I cannot find any! So me and my boyfriend met around May of last year. We were at the same college, and he randomly came up to me and started talking to me. We actually went to the same high school, we just never talked because he was two years ahead of me. We hit it off immediately, and I was helping him through his ex girlfriend cheating on him situation. I was there throughout the whole summer. He would show me off to his friends whenever we visited our college over the summertime. We finally talked about dating and decided we would give it a shot, since it would begin to become long distance. Now for the worst part.... Instead of returning for his senior year of college, he got into an advanced pharmacy program about 3 1/2 hours away from my college, 2 1/2 hours away from home. He did not graduate, he just moved straight to grad school. Strange situation, I know. With the advanced program comes more than one exam every week. At first everything was fine, but then he started failing exams and his mood turned sour. Every time we are together, everything is perfectly fine. When we were both home for Thanksgiving break, we had the best of times. His mother actually pulled me aside and asked him to go upstairs so she could talk to me. She wanted to know if he even liked school or if he is just going to Pharmacy school just for the money. I told her straight out I knew from the bottom of my heart it was just for the amount of money pharmacists make, and she agreed. She said she would rather him go back to graduate and find a different major than continue through two more years of this stress. She said SHE gets so stressed and loses sleep over everything because he just barely passed last semester. (He had to take a retake of the final and passed the class by 1 point). So now brings me to my current situation. Every time we are at home he is wonderful. He texts me with smiles and happiness. Then as soon as he returns to school and starts studying, he barely talks or when he does it is all about school and HIS stress. I am fully supportive of whatever he wants to do, I just know in my heart that this stress is getting to the best of him. Anytime I talk about myself, he says things like "that's awesome! how did it go?" But nothing like he usually is or used to be over the summertime. I am completely understanding of it because I would be upset too; studying for hours upon hours and still failing. (He is at the bottom of the class). I believe that Pharmacy School is not for him and it is putting a strain on our relationship big time. Last night, I mentioned "I hate when you are studying you can't talk :(" He said he's always in a bad mood. (He had just failed an exam yesterday).I don't mean to say negative things like that but it sort of just came out like that. I responded with "you aren't when you are with me!" he said, I just feel like a bad boyfriend, I never talk to you and never have time to come see you. Well no crap, you have at least three exams every week, I don't expect that. I am making all the visits, but to me it is worth it! So we FaceTimed and I told him not to worry about it. Then he got kinda upset when I started talking about school. I told him straight out that I think he is in a depression, and he started to cry. He never cries and he was so upset. I told him that if I was or was not in his life, he would still be unhappy at this school. He agreed and said that what I was saying was right. I told him that also I feel like he is pushing me away. I asked him why, and he said "I don't know" "I don't know what to tell you" THATS HOW HE RESPONDS TO ANYTHING WHEN I START TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. He then tried convincing himself that "I want this" meaning he wants to finish school. Guys associate themselves with what they do for a living, it's a pride thing. I get it. I asked him if I was worth it, and he said he didn't know. I asked him if I cause stress in his life and he said that I didn't. I do not understand why someone wants to push away something that brings joy to their life, and focus on something so stressful. Wouldn't you think it would be opposite? So basically I was very upset because it didn't seem like he knew what he wanted. I told him that if he pushes me away, then I'm gonna be gone forever. I can't do the whole friends right off the bat. Today I texted him and said that everything was fine between us and I am there to support whatever he chooses to do, whether it be continue with Pharmacy School or do something else. He responded with 'Yeah it's fine" I don't know how to take this, any of this. It's stressing me out entirely. He said he feels like a completely different person than he was over the summertime with all the stress that has come into his life. I agree completely. But I am willing to wait it out with him and stand by his side, even if it causes me severe stress as well. His good moods depend on if he does well in school, which isn't how it should be at alll :/ Then that determines my mood. I don't know what to do or how to act. I am being as understanding as possible. Giving him as much space to try to figure it out. Is he just so worried about school that he doesn't have time for me? Or he would have time for me if he was doing well in school? Any advice would be very helpful. I really, really care about him. But I feel like pharmacy school is preventing him from caring about much as much as he potentially could.
Million.to.1 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Tough one. I guess you are just going to have to bite the bullet a bit and not be another stress in his life. Give him the space and support that he needs during this tough time. If that makes you stressed though, to the point where yo are neglecting your own responsibilities and your mind is constantly on him, i think you need to end it. You can always keep an open heart to reconciliation once school has finished for him... but if he feels like **** because he causes you stress.. he will end it. If he's not doing well at school, he will want to do well at something.. and if that's not being a good boyfriend, he will quit being a boyfriend before he quits school.
justwhoiam Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 How often do you meet up? If it's once a week, then maybe you should meet less often. I know it's hard, but more time he can devote to studying, and better his results/marks... Less calls, less time devoted to you. Again, I know it's hard, but you can show affection for each other some other way. And then he still gets breaks, right? So during the breaks, you should get the most of it. You both should think it's 2 years, not eternity. Don't convince him that's the wrong school for him. There's nothing worse than when you want to do something and you fail at it... and you start thinking you're not up to it. It's terrible. You should tell him he's good enough to do whatever he wants... show him that you believe in what he does. That's supporting him, not just saying "i'm here for you". If you are the first one not believing in him, he'll feel like a failure. Also, his mother is not believing in him much either... he feels he can fail on all fronts, school is not going great, he risks losing you too, his family will be disappointed... and he'll be left with nothing. Ask yourself how much you love him and how much you're willing to bear. About all the "i don't know"... I hear you. I know what you mean. Stress is doing that. He needs to get back some self-confidence. By the way, there's a big difference between choosing something you really love and something that will get you the money... Needless to say, with the former you're likely to do very well, not so with the latter...
Author sydneylovesyou123 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Million- It does stress me about a lot. It makes me feel terrible because I can't do anything to help him out. Sometimes it makes me feel like I am not doing my job. However, whenever we see each other on breaks, I can tell he is happy. He just makes decisions based off of how stressed he is at school, which I hate. The whole reason we were about to break up is because I said "boo I hate when you are studying you can't talk much :(" then he said "I feel like such a bad boyfriend with no time to talk and can never visit you" Am I being too needy? I am very stressed myself with school, so it isn't like he is on my mind 24/7. I am as supportive as I can be, but maybe comments like that keep bringing him down. He is the type of guy to avoid conflict at all costs. When I asked him if he was thinking about this and he said "I haven't thought much about it". I don't even know what that means...I guess his focus is 100% on school. He comes back home for the summer, gets a month off, then starts his rotations, which are luckily right around my house. Therefore, I am willing to bite the bullet if it means we have the summer where he isn't stressed. As a girlfriend is there anything else I can do to make him less stressed. Whenever he is stressed, I know it has nothing to do with me because he said I don't add stress to his life. I just feel like he isn't committed because of school. He was before school started. He said it's not fair to me to have to deal with the stress, and I agree completely. But he is the first guy that I have dated that doesn't treat me absolutely terribly. I really care about him and don't want to lose him through a tough time. I'm hopeful that by me being there he will eventually realize that he can't push me away; that he i am a huge stress relief for him. I understand that how he might feel like a bad boyfriend, because I am sounding like I am not happy and want more from him than he can provide at the moment. Do you think the best strategy is to stop picking questions at him, because all he says is "i don't know" which clearly shows the depressed side of hiim. He used to be so verbal. I don't know if I should back away, not answer his texts right away, just enjoy myself and my life away from him too, yet still be there when he needs me? I'm a very verbal person and he used to be. However, he said that he doesn't like to talk or be around anyone when he is so stressed, and with a ldr that's terrible for me to hear. Maybe sometime in the future he will open up and realize that he can talk to me. Maybe it's just a pride thing... justwhoiam-I stated my opinion and said that if Pharmacy School was his lifelong dream (which it wasn't, it was just decided upon last year), then he should continue with it or perhaps go to a Pharmacy School that isn't an accelerated program. I also said that if it's all about the money that he can make money doing something he loves. Again, I said I support whatever choice he makes. He said he wants this and he doesn't wanna be a quitter. I told him that he wouldn't be a quitter, he would have enough respect for himself to walk away to find a better career that fits him. He again said "I don't know" I told him that he is very smart, and he inspires me to just keep going, because that is what he is doing. And I told him if that is what he wants to do, then I am here to help him through it. Maybe he isn't sure with me because whenever he got like this around his last girlfriend, she ended up cheating on him. Now she is with the guy she cheated on him with. The only difference between me and her is that I wouldn't even think about doing something like that. Maybe it will just take time to prove to him that I can handle his stress and can still be there for him, without cheating or anything. Maybe he just thinks it will all end the same way it did with her. We live 3 1/2 hours apart at school, but we are from the same hometown. From home to his apartment at school is 2 1/2 hours, so it isn't that far away. When he had a break (since it's year-round school), he came up and visited me. But that has been the only time. i have been there quite a few more times than he has been here, which I don't mind because I am understanding of the situation. He came and visited me when school wasn't in the picture and that meant a whole lot. We see each other whenever we go home for breaks. So I will be home on the 18th and he will be home next friday. I would say we see each other every 2-3 weeks. The longest we went was about a month. And I completely understand what you are saying. He does feel like a failure. He doesn't tell his parents when he is failing. He tells me. I know he values me in his life, but he doesn't want to see me unhappy. Maybe he feels like I am unhappy because I complain about him not talking to me much. I guess I need to suck it up and not complain or anything if this is something I really want. This is his life and his future. He says we are on two different levels of stress, me in undergrad, and him in a grad accelerated program, which I understand. But talking about anything else feelings-wise, is nearly impossible---I'm assuming he it is the depression talking.
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