icath Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 My history is on another board, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41777/ That one had to do with second chances. Now I'm here, knowing I have to force myself to believe my second chances are over. I keep telling myself not to act like a 12-year-old. I still love her, but it's not in the same way now. The grief is an incredible pointer to all the places I need to grow up. We all live these quiet lives of false confidence, thinking we have it together, we are kings of our kingdoms, then suddenly, the illusion drops, and there we are, ugly, raw, imperfect, helpless us. It's been over four months now. QUick recap -- it was an amazing love affair with an immigrant from Spain -- two years. We just spend New Year's in Madrid with her family eating grapes. But we fought a lot, disagreements never seemed to get settled. Eventually, I thought she was being unfair with me about something and I just decided not to cave in, and so did she, and we left it one day saying "I still love you, but I don't know what else to do." I invited her to call if she changed her mind, said I would love to hear from her. We'd broken up three other times, each time I went running back to her. This time I held out. And it turns out, she wanted to be wanted, I guess, and after a couple of months she found someone else. I just found out last week when I sent her a letter and she sent it back, unopened. Then, when I went to her place looking for an explanation (this, after three solid months of complete no contact), her roomates told me. Part of me knew time is the only real test of love, and if we were meant to be, we'd reconnect. That's still possible in some strange way, but that's not reality now. I grieved when we first separated, but not like this. I feel out of breath all the time. I guess I was terrible codependent. I still keep talking to her in my head, still keep collecting memories I want to share with her. What was I so mad about back then? A good part of me knows it was good I stood up to her, it was what I had to do. Her roommates actually said nice things to me, said it sounded like I was growing up, that she was pig-headed and blind to some things. But the truth is I could have made it work, I just chose not to do the things that would have kept us together. And now I regret it because that has caused me incredible pain. I've always thought if my heart could talk directly to hers, we would be fine. But all this fear and crap got in the way. And her life is a little chaotic. In the end, her roomates told me, the relationship took too much energy. That is so frustrating to me -- what is worth doing that doesn't take energy!!! Ah well, now what. The emptiness is incredible. I know, everyone says move on, but I can't yet. I am a walking zombie, sleepwalking through my days. My brother is getting married next weekened, I will be grinning and bearing it the whole time. I also know Rosa just needed to bump into the right person who would straighten her out, tell her what she really needed to know, and we would be fine. But she never bumped into that person. And here we are. I am so full of regret and longing, and yet, I know even if we got together we'd probably still fight in circles again, unless something really different happened. So I don't even know what to wish for at this point. All I'm doing is getting through the morning, getting through the afternoon, getting through the night. I'm reading like crazy, trying to talk to friends without making them crazy (most of them are by now, it's been 4 months), and trying to avoid doing somethign stupid like sleeping with anyone else. Any support ya'll can offer would be much appreciated. Bob
HokeyReligions Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Originally posted by icath But the truth is I could have made it work, I just chose not to do the things that would have kept us together. And now I regret it because that has caused me incredible pain. I've always thought if my heart could talk directly to hers, we would be fine. But all this fear and crap got in the way. And her life is a little chaotic. In the end, her roomates told me, the relationship took too much energy. That is so frustrating to me -- what is worth doing that doesn't take energy!!! The truth is -- there is nothing you could have done. You can't predict that you could have made it work. If you could have, you would have. But a working relationship is not up to one person. SHE didn't value you enough to put in the energy and work to make a life with you. A good dog who wags his tail and doesn't go on the carpet can have a loving home --- but is that what you wanted for yourself? To be her good dog? You said it yourself -- what is worth doing that doesn't take energy? She obviously didn't think you were worth her effort. Remember that and don't blame yourself. The hurt will fade.
bambi_4 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 A tough one. Sounds like too little, too late. Women need to be loved in a different way to men. You obviously couldn't do that for her. I wish I had some support for you but best advice I can give is don't give up if she meant that much to you. Show her how much you care and try to be there for her if she'll allow you. To turn your back now would be deter-mental. Don't act jealous, act as a friend. Someone who supports her and cares.
Author icath Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Too little, too late. Of course, that's what I am afraid of, and you may be right. It is funny how people tend to see their own realities when they see my problem. PLenty of friends told me I needed to hold firm, and that's what I decided to do at the time. She kept threatening to end the relationship and I didn't want to live under that fear. But I do now see what you are saying, women need differnet things from men, and I meant what I said above -- I was choosing to hold my ground instead of "give in." I have decided to do, as best I can, what you have said, to maintain a distant, loving friendship with her -- and who knows what that might bring. Either way, my heart is less heavy when I think out of love than out of hate. Problem is, she is very Spanish, very very stubborn. In the past, when she ends things, she erases people. During our last few talks, she had all my things in a garbage bag by the door -- literally. So I know she is quite good at erasing people. Rosa returning my letter unopened was a very clear signal that she didn't want to hear from me at all, at least now. So when I left her house that night, I asked her roomates to tell her I loved her, that I wouldn't get inthe way of her happiness, I would respect her boundary, but I was here if she wanted to talk. I cannot be sure that message got through. My strategy is to let it sit for a week, and then write to a friend of hers who I connected with and say thanks, if there's ever a time we can have coffee and talk, I'd like that. If she is willing, I will ask her to pass along the message of openness and friendship, too. She works with autistic children, and I sat on a plane recently next to a man who founded the Autism Research Center. I genuinely want to pass his contact info and other info along to her; I may do that through her friend, too. I just want to be sure it is, and appears, as true friendship, not manipulation. Also, I see her roommate at work about once a week. I plan to just stay in touch with her and periodically see how she is doing. Hopefully the message will get through softly that couldn't get through loudly.
bambi_4 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 You sound like you have a plan(a good one), I hope it works out for you. Keep me posted on how you do.
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