Withdraws when I need emotional support.

[tori0001]

It's a pattern that I see. Yest something bad happened in my household and I needed advice medically from him. He gave me advice, and I took my grandchild to the hosp. I got back in touch with him later to him know that she's ok. He was relieved to know that she's ok. I gave him a brief update on what's happening, I didn't want to write in a text, He said we would talk later. Then he disappears and I don't hear from him. It's a pattern with anything that's emotional or children. Last night I said night to him, nothing back. He always responds, and nothing this morning, and he always says good morning. It's a pattern, and it's painful. I don't know why he does this. Thanks.

[clia]

Need more information.

 

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been dating?

Does he have children or grandchildren of his own?

Does he have a pattern of disappearing or "going into his cave" (to quote John Gray) at other times?

[DC4]

Based on my experience with a man who acted just like that-perhaps he's uncomfortable when he knows you need emotional support? My ex would rather get hit by a bus than comfort me when I was upset. It wasn't that he was an a-hole, he just had no idea what to do and it freaked him out.

[tori0001]

He has a 13 year old daughter, and we are in our 40s. We have been dating exclusively since Nov. He's even spoken to my granddaughter on the phone.

[mammasita]

Based on my experience with a man who acted just like that-perhaps he's uncomfortable when he knows you need emotional support? My ex would rather get hit by a bus than comfort me when I was upset. It wasn't that he was an a-hole, he just had no idea what to do and it freaked him out.

Yep, same here. I could get NO emotional support from this guy. In my case, he was an a-hole and emotionally unavailable.

[carhill]

If you haven't met his family yet, check them out over the holidays. My bet is the answers are in FOO.

 

As an anecdote, my exW had a very difficult childhood and she learned to cope with chaos/pain/conflict by blocking it out psychologically and withdrawing. Crisis events in our M triggered this 'tape' and she became distant and uninvolved.

 

Each situation is different. IMO it's crucial to observe and experience how a potential partner behaves when confronted with crisis/adversity/challenge and accept those behaviors as authentic. I saw 'signs' prior to M but there was not the 'trigger' in life events prior which caused the behaviors to spring fully and without mitigation.

 

My advice is to directly communicate, in person, what you need in the emotional support department, and accept the answer. I did this, during MC, and the answer was 'I can't give you that'. We filed for divorce. Your answer may be different. Good luck.

[DC4]

Yep, same here. I could get NO emotional support from this guy. In my case, he was an a-hole and emotionally unavailable.

 

In my experience those are the ones who want you to make it all better when THEY need something

[clia]

We have been dating exclusively since Nov.

 

You have been exclusive somewhere between 1 and 5 weeks then? How long have you actually known him?

 

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about his emotional availability at this point. Your relationship is very new and some people are uncomfortable with medical situations and emotional stuff when they barely know a person. (I'm assuming you met him not long before you became exclusive.) It can be difficult knowing how to handle it when a medical crisis arises so soon in a relationship.

 

However, you say "it's a pattern" and it's "painful" to you. You are under no obligation to remain in this relationship. If it is bothering you that much, you should end things. Why do you consider it to be a pattern?

[tori0001]

It's happened one other time with a question I asked him about in regards to the relationship to me.

[carhill]

OP, if this is the same guy referenced in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/354171-i-dont-know

 

Whom appears to be in the divorce process, it would be understandable that his capacity for transparent emotional support and proactive interest in nuances of your life would be diminished. If this is a different man, please clarify.

[tori0001]

It is. I'm trying to be patient and understanding. Also right now he's going through **** a few issues of his own besides the divorce. He still shuts me out, and I wish he wouldn't.

[carhill]

Figure a couple of years and no guarantees. IMO, push him and he'll poof and pick another lady who matches better with his current emotional style.

 

Personally, I'd communicate clearly and continue to date other people. Putting all one's eggs in the basket of a divorcing person is risky.

[tori0001]

I guess emotionally I'm no better, because if you shut me out, then I close down and will ignore you. I won't contact him again.

[tori0001]

I asked him once about his wife and marriage, and he refused to talk about it. Maybe someday.

[tori0001]

I was wondering what you mean by push him

[TaraMaiden]

How demonstrative is he, affection-wise? Does he hold your hand in public? is he 'cuddly'? Is he for or against PDA's?

 

TBH, if he's going through a divorce, and you guys have only 'had it on' since November, I'm quietly wondering whether you're a partner, emotional crutch or soft place to fall.

 

Just noodling.....

[carhill]

'Push him' in the realm of my comments means proactively discussing or asking for aspects of intimacy which he isn't proactively providing and/or has asserted a reluctance to in the past.

[tori0001]

I asked once, he doesn't want to talk about it. I wont ask again unless he offers.

[tori0001]

What's pdas? I'm in my 40, don't hold hands.

[TaraMaiden]

Public Displays of affection.

I'm 56, and I still hold hands with my H.

I totally discount age as a barrier to anything.

 

With the exception of mini skirts and boob tubes.

[carhill]

PDA = Public display of affection

 

An example would be kissing on the lips in public, especially a romantic and/or passionate kiss.

 

I generally don't consider holding hands or locking arms to be PDA's but other people may.

[tori0001]

Yes we have.

[tori0001]

I guess he made his decision. I haven't heard from him. I wish he would've said something because wondering why can hurt. Thanks for all the advice which I do appreciate.